


Life Letters

by AgentExile



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Businessman Doyoung, Domestic Fluff, Long-Distance Relationship, Love at First Sight, Loving Marriage, M/M, Professor Jaehyun, Sexual Content, Slice of Life, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2019-07-08 13:07:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 81,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15931070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentExile/pseuds/AgentExile
Summary: Kim Doyoung is a ‘genius’. Everyone says so. However he’s not a people-person. From his first day at college, he spends his nights locked away in the library. But the truth is, it’s less about the books, and more about the handsome, outrageously intelligent research student who works there – the one who leaves flirtatious little notes on his desk.By the time that Doyoung is ready to call his life perfect, fifteen years later, he’s in his sprawling home, co-founder of Korea’s biggest tech company, arguing with world-leading professor Jung Jaehyun about the best colour for the nursery. His husband still leaves him love letters, but now they’re usually under his pillow.Somewhere in the middle, there’s a whole lot of love story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have waited so long to write this fic and it’s finally here!!  
> This story takes place in the same universe as two of my other fics, but don’t worry, there’s no need to read or have read either fic if you’re just here for the DoJae, this story can be read as a standalone <3 (but if you have read Living Costs/Champagne Kisses, you’ll recognise a lot of things!)  
> A couple of warnings: non-canonical ages (as with all of my fics), and there’s an age gap, it’s only five years, but I’m saying that early anyway. And this fic contains time-skips! It’s gonna cover a lot of years, so expect lots of changes as it goes.  
> xx

    **September, 2005.**

   Doyoung closed his eyes, listening to the voice from the front of the room and concentrating hard on zoning out everything else around him. He’d always been an auditory learner, a fan of lectures, but the slightest distraction set his teeth on edge. He could never understand why people would so blithely mutter over somebody else when they were talking. Especially when they were there to _learn_.

   _It’s only orientation_ , he reminded himself.

   But he couldn’t help it. Even in the welcome introduction, there might be something he needed to know.

   ‘Hey, Ten! That dude I met outside just told me there’s a party tonight at the next dorm over.’

   Doyoung’s eyes snapped open. Strangers talking, he could force himself to abide, but _Yukhei_ talking over him? Wong Yukhei? His friend since they were five years old? _He_ should know better. Doyoung gave him a withering look, and Yukhei quickly sat back, rolling his eyes at Ten, who was sat on Doyoung’s opposite side, in a gesture that was clearly intended to be subtle.

   Yukhei couldn’t _do_ subtle, whatever he might think.

   He kept quiet though for the rest of the introduction, to Ten’s relief as much as Doyoung’s, the latter couldn’t help but think. The three of them had been best friends since… well it felt like forever, even though Ten hadn’t joined their trio until they’d started high school. Sometimes, though, Yukhei could be a little too loud for _both_ of them. Still, it wasn’t like Doyoung wouldn’t give his life for him without a second thought.

   Yukhei didn’t start again until the orientation talk was done, and they were filing out of the auditorium. ‘That was boring as fuck.’

   ‘Well yes, Yukhei,’ said Ten, ‘it would be. You’re not even studying in this department.’

   ‘Neither are _you_ ,’ Yukhei answered, looking offended.

   Ten sighed. ‘No, but I had to miss my welcome talk because of the meeting with that American investor.’ Even on their first year out of high school, Ten was already hustling. Doyoung had never met anyone else so ambitious. He’d already set up meetings with four or so potential independent investors, to talk with them about NCT.

   Neo Culture Technology.

   The baby that linked Doyoung, Yukhei and Ten together. That always would. The company they’d dreamt up when they were twelve, that they were going to turn into the biggest business in the world. That was the plan.

   ‘ _You_ have no reason to be here,’ Ten finished.

   Yukhei shrugged. ‘I knew I’d hear about more parties – I bet Doyoung’s Computer Science lot will party fucking hard. Besides, I thought it might be interesting. Mine yesterday was way better.’

   ‘Think you’ll stick with Literature, then?’ Ten asked.

   Yukhei made a non-committal sound. ‘Maybe. We’ll see. I’ve been thinking about like… photography, or something, recently.’

   Doyoung exchanged a glance with Ten. They had put a bet on about how many times Yukhei would change his major over the course of their time at college. Ten had bet bigger.

   Doyoung often listened to his friends talk like this. Yukhei and Ten were bickerers. He was a little quieter. It wasn’t like he _couldn’t_ manage conversations, he’d just never been that way inclined. He didn’t enjoy talking unless there was something to learn from it. His friends understood – they knew him as well as he knew himself – and they didn’t mind.

   If they hadn’t have committed to a loyalty pact to attend the same place – the top university in Korea – Doyoung thought he probably would have had absolutely no one to talk to at all at college. He wasn’t very good at making friends.

   He’d turned down Harvard, Cambridge, MIT, Zurich, all to be here.

   With them.

   Because school didn’t matter, not compared to the business. That was his singular focus, his one fixation. The only possible end game for all three of them.

   ‘So are you coming? Tonight?’

   ‘Huh?’ he looked up.

   ‘To the party?’ Yukhei asked, smile faltering.

   ‘No.’

   ‘Oh come on, _Doyoungie_ ,’ he whined.

   Doyoung had been born _Kim Dongyoung,_ but his friends both called him Doyoung. It had been a slip of the tongue back when Ten had first met him, and now it had become his moniker.

   ‘I have to go to the library…’ he trailed off.

   ‘You _what_? It’s orientation week, mate, what the fuck do you have to do?’ Yukhei said incredulously.

   ‘I’ve been thinking a lot about electric cars. I couldn’t sleep last night because I just kept ruminating about how to partially integrate an electric motor system into a lower emission conventional engine. It could be far more affordable for consumers. I’m going to draw up a design.’

   ‘You don’t know anything about cars,’ Yukhei pointed out. He’d know, after all. Yukhei was car _obsessed_. ‘I mean, not like real ones.’

   Doyoung shrugged. ‘I’m going to learn.’

   Neither Ten nor Yukhei seemed remotely surprised by this.

   Computer tech was more his thing, but mechanical engineering wasn’t _really_ too distant of a relation.

   Doyoung wasn't arrogant - he didn’t like to think of himself as _that_ much cleverer than everyone else, perhaps because he’d surrounded himself early with the other two smartest people at his school, but every once in a while, he remembered that other people couldn’t… just _do that._ Learn something. In one night. Not a chapter, or an era, or a theory, but a whole _thing_. Once, in school, Doyoung had announced that he was going to learn Japanese overnight.

   It was ridiculous. One couldn’t learn a language in twelve hours.

   But he’d still been able to have a full conversation with the two Japanese students in his math class the next day.

   And now he would learn cars. Enough to design one.

   Yukhei, clearly deciding that he was fighting a losing battle, rounded on Ten. ‘You in, Tennie?’

   ‘Nope, I’ve got to work on my pitch for next Monday.’

   ‘You’re a right pair of fucking spoilsports, you know that?’ Yukhei muttered. ‘Why am I friends with you, again?’

   ‘Love you, Xuxi,’ Ten smiled, nudging his shoulder, as the three of them crossed the campus square.

   They were all so different.

   And yet they operated on a shared wavelength so unique that Doyoung wasn’t sure anyone else could ever join them upon it.

*

   The first thing that Doyoung had found on the map they gave him when he arrived was the library. He’d clocked it in a second, before he’d even scouted out his dorm. He was sharing a room with Ten – Yukhei had his own because his parents didn’t want him sharing with them. Yukhei’s _disapproving_ parents, who thought that he and Ten were _bad influences_. Yukhei’s parents whose worst fear was that NCT would become successful, because it meant he’d stick with them instead of giving up and taking over the family business after all.

   So Ten was his roommate. And Yukhei was down the hall, as though that would make any difference.

   Still, if it kept his parents happy…

   Doyoung slipped his way into the library. It was nearly six in the evening. The welcome tours were over and everyone had turned to the night’s parties or the thrill of decorating their rooms. The place was almost completely deserted. Scratch the “almost”. It was just completely deserted.

   He narrowed his eyes at the floorplan set on one of the columns in the lobby.

   In ten seconds, he had memorised it.

   Computer Science, his subject, was on the third floor. But he wasn’t here for books on computing.

   He took a step around the corner, where he knew he’d find the reception.

   Then, he stopped dead under the arch, swallowing.

   There was a man at the desk. A very attractive man. A man that made him want to take a step back. Doyoung wasn’t shy, per-se. He wasn’t shy at _all_ when it came to talking about _things_ – science, math, computers, literature, history, even sports statistics that he’d learned to impress his father. He could stand up and present information to hundreds of people without batting an eyelid. But when it came to small-talk, talking about _nothing_ … one on one… that wasn’t his forte.

   The man had his feet up on the desk, a lot like how Yukhei usually sat, an open book in his lap. He had brown hair, dyed, he was sure, that fell low into his eyes as he concentrated on his book. He looked a little older than Doyoung and his friends, maybe somewhere in his early-edging-toward-mid-twenties, but it just made him look more handsome. More _experienced_.

   Doyoung had never had a crush on a guy his own age at high school – he’d had his friends, but other than the two of them, he’d never been all that close with his peers. The guys who he’d daydreamed about were always older, usually successful in their own field, and, by virtue of age, even in his imagination wholly unavailable. Doyoung was a pragmatist, after all, so that had always ruined the fantasy.

   He couldn’t help it – he was drawn exclusively to people of intellect.

   But now he was at college. He was nineteen, officially an adult, and no one could stop the little butterflies he felt at the sight of this stranger, in his checked shirt and loose neck-tie and plastic ID badge that was looped out of his chest pocket.

   Those details were important. Doyoung made a full appraisal of everyone he ever met.

   ‘Can I help you?’ the man asked, dropping his feet from the desk and swivelling on his chair.

   Doyoung stared at him. ‘I’m looking for some books on cars,’ he said automatically.

   ‘Cars, eh?’

   ‘Preferably the assembly of traditional car engines,’ he said awkwardly. ‘I’m moderately well versed on aircraft engineering, I did a lot of research when my parents took me overseas for the first time because I wanted to execute a risk analysis, but I’m not sure about how to apply the same principles to a smaller vehicle. There is… scale reduction, to consider…’ He stopped, embarrassed, realising he was overexplaining like always.

   The man leant forwards on the desk, propping his chin on his hand as he surveyed him with genuine, unabashed interest. ‘You don’t look like a mechanic.’

   He prayed he wouldn’t turn red at that.

   ‘Don’t worry, love, I’ve got you covered,’ the guy said, before he had to answer, with a smile that made his eyes crinkle.

   _God_ he was good-looking.

   ‘First day?’ he asked as he let himself out from behind the reception desk.

   Doyoung, thinking that he was just going to give him directions, jumped a little. ‘Oh yes.’

   ‘You look anxious. I remember when I was a freshman, I was terrified.’

   Doyoung didn’t say anything, content to let him think that his nerves were down to the new environment, rather than the fact that it had been one minute and he already had a massive flaming crush on him.

   ‘Don’t say much, do you?’ the guy asked as he led him down a corridor.

   _Shit._ He knew that Ten and Yukhei didn’t mind his silence, but he reminded himself that it was rude with strangers. ‘I’m… not especially loquacious,’ Doyoung said quietly.

   ‘It’s cool,’ the guy smiled, ‘I work in a library. I’m used to quiet.’

   After that, he didn’t push him. The silence wasn’t even uncomfortable. Excellent. Doyoung liked him. He liked him a _lot_ already. Doyoung knew himself, and he knew what he liked, and he liked this guy.

   ‘Here we go,’ he smiled, directing Doyoung into a tiny, musty room with three bookshelves, low ceilings, and only two empty desks. ‘If you need anything else, just let me know.’

   Doyoung looked up in surprise. He was leaving already? _Of course he is, Doyoung_ , he snapped at himself internally. _What on earth would he need to stick around for_? ‘Thank you,’ he said, ‘for the guidance.’

   ‘Good luck with the cars,’ he gave him a charming smile, slightly lopsided. It was a character smile, predominately on one side of his mouth, with a flash of nice teeth.

   Doyoung gave another thanks, then turned to the shelves, scanning quickly along the titles.

   He took out eight books – he was inclined towards even numbers – and dropped them down onto the table. A glance at his watch told him that it was now six-thirty. That gave him plenty of hours of study time.

   Doyoung had spent a considerable proportion of his life in libraries. It wasn’t just about the books – it was the _environment_ that he loved. He’d moved from prep school to boarding school at eleven, and there was very little peace to be had in a dormitory packed with teenage boys. Especially when one of them was Yukhei.  

   The school library had almost always been empty, except for during exam season, and he’d found himself spending more and more time there just for the quiet. He had a lot going on in his head, all the time – ideas, inventions, strings of code – and it was hard to keep everything in line whenever there was chaos around. The library was somewhere to relax, to breathe, to focus.

   College, he could tell, would be no different.

   He breathed in the familiar smell, the dust of the books, and started to flick through the ones he had selected.

   Steadily, the sky outside the small window grew darker and darker. Doyoung typed at lightning speed, a quicker note-taker by keyboard than pencil, but he kept a sheet of paper beside his laptop to sketch out diagrams where necessary. His laptop took up most of the desk – it had once been a normal sized portable, but he’d dedicated so much care to its development that now it had so many add-ons it was almost too heavy to carry with him. Yukhei always rolled his eyes at it.

   Doyoung had told him coolly several times that it was no different to adding a short-throw shifter to a car.

   After a while, he noticed that his eyes were starting to itch. He reached into his bag, putting on his glasses, and went back to work.

   After a while longer, he started getting hungry. He’d never do something so sacrilegious as eat in the library, so he took out his water and drained the bottle, and went back to work again.

   After _so_ long that his laptop was whirring loudly in anxiety, because despite the enhanced processors it still struggled with the amount of test programs he had running in the background, he sat back, closing it with a snap.

   Another glance at his watch.

   It was half past one in the morning.

   Seven hours of car engines. He pondered whether to go scouting out some more books to take back to the dorm with him.

   Then, to his complete and utter astonishment, the door to his small room opened.

   Framed in the doorway, was the handsome guy from downstairs.

   Oh _shit_.

   Doyoung stared at him, stunned, then he snatched off his glasses in embarrassment. He didn’t like the way he looked in them.

   ‘I noticed you hadn’t left.’

   ‘You’re still here?’ Doyoung said dumbfoundedly.

   ‘I work the night shift. I took an extra few hours this evening because God knows my stipend doesn’t go far.’

   ‘Stipend… Are you a research student?’ Doyoung asked.

   ‘Post-grad research,’ he smiled. ‘Not like you, freshman.’

   Doyoung looked down. He didn’t want this handsome stranger to think he was a kid. He was more than old enough for respect and… other appreciation… from the man in front of him.

   He worked through a quick calculation. If his stranger had started college at nineteen, after a four year degree he’d be twenty-three. He didn’t know how long he’d been working on his post-grad, but –

   ‘I’m twenty-four, if that’s what you’re really asking,’ he gave him a knowing smile.

   Doyoung’s heart gave a little flutter.

   ‘I want my PhD by thirty.’

   This guy was _intelligent_. Knowledge rolled off him in waves. Doyoung could feel it in the air.

   And _ambitious._

   ‘You must be really smart.’

   ‘Well, my mom likes to say so,’ he chuckled.

   ‘Me too,’ Doyoung said without thinking. ‘I’m… I’m smart too.’

   ‘I can tell.’ The guy furrowed his brow, ‘but you seem like you work too hard. I brought you something to eat, since you’ve been here so long.’

   Doyoung’s lips parted slightly in surprise – he’d forgotten that his new favourite stranger had shown up unannounced.

   ‘I’m Jaehyun, by the way,’ he said, passing him three parcels from what must have been a vending machine. ‘Jung Jaehyun.’

   ‘Kim Dongyoung. Everyone calls me Doyoung,’ he added routinely. ‘But I don’t think I should eat in the library.’

   ‘Ah, see, there are exceptions to the no eating rule if you’re given express permission by the on-duty librarian,’ Jaehyun beamed, with that same crooked smile.

   ‘Thanks, Jaehyun- ’ he hovered over an honorific.

   ‘Let’s just go with hyung, yeah?’ Jaehyun clapped a hand down on his shoulder, making him jump.

   ‘Thanks hyung,’ he said, heart giving a little shiver at the rapid familiarity.

   ‘I’d better get back to work. Don’t stay too late. Semester hasn’t even started, yet.’

   ‘I won’t,’ said Doyoung, ignoring the question in the back of his head as to why he was making such a promise to someone who was honestly still a stranger.

   He _didn’t_ stay too late really.

   Not by his standards.

   He stayed until two-thirty, eating his way through the candy that Jaehyun had bought him.

   Jaehyun…

   He played around with the name in his head for so long that he wasn’t really even concentrating on the sketch he was making.

   When he’d been suffering his very worst at school, feeling isolated, feeling too closed in, feeling too out of place, Ten had sat him down and promised him that college would be better. He’d promised him that there would be like-minded people, people with brains like his because it would be a lie for Doyoung to say he didn’t know he’d been vastly out of place in a high-school classroom. Ten had said that at college, there’d be people who’d find his mind interesting, not weird – that at college, it was okay to be smart, that it wasn’t something be ashamed of like kids at school could make it out to be.

   He’d half believed him.

   That belief hadn’t extended as far as considering that he might meet basically his dream man on his _first day on campus_. A dream man who was handsome and charming but, so much more importantly, an intellectual. He didn’t need a long dialogue with him to know, he could hear it in the way he _spoke,_ see it in the way he walked. And even better, he was proud of it.

   ‘Don’t fall in love on your first day,’ he muttered aloud to himself.

   He was here for a degree and the business. Nothing else.

   Still, he saw Jaehyun one more time before he left the library.

   ‘Hey, Doyoung! I forgot!’ he strolled out from behind the desk as Doyoung walked past the reception. ‘I found this book for you.’

   Doyoung took the book he held out with a warm smile. It was another book on cars. ‘Thanks.’

   ‘Have a good night.’

   ‘You too, hyung.’

   Outside on the plaza, he swung his bag around to his front, ready to stuff the book inside, but then he jumped slightly as a folded piece of paper fluttered from the cover.

   _Shit_ , he hoped it wasn’t a page. He wasn’t one for accidental damage.

   He picked it up from the floor, unfolding it curiously.

   It was a _note_.

   His heart jumped to his throat.

   _Kim Dongyoung,_

_I’d say don’t work too hard this year, but that would mean less trips to the library._

_Jung Jaehyun._

_PS: You still looked cute with the glasses on_.

   He choked on air.

   He glanced back at the library, but he couldn’t see inside.  

   Drum rapid against his chest, breath catching in something close to excitement, he shoved the note quickly into his pocket.

   He was caught between two urges: one, to run back inside the library and announce to Jung Jaehyun that it had taken all of five minutes for him to fall _madly_ in love with him; two, to run back to the dorm and tell Ten and Yukhei all about him, maybe minus the head-over-heels part.

   He decided on neither.

   For now, at least, he wanted to keep both those little secrets just for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	2. Chapter 2

   By the time that Doyoung finished his third week of college, he could barely remember how it had felt to be anywhere else. How easily he had fallen into the cycle, the day-to-day, the new routines that he rapidly established for himself. And he… liked it.

   College was strange. In a way, Ten had been right. He did feel less out of place – less like people were staring at him all the time – but there were still people who snickered or rolled their eyes when he answered questions. Apparently, that would follow him forever.

   The majority of their dorm spent their nights partying. Yukhei was sharing a room with the host of most of these parties, one Choi Seunghyun, and was therefore in his element. With Ten, though, Doyoung was safe. He was so very, _very_ thankful to have him.

   Doyoung didn’t _hate_ parties, he just wasn’t overly fond of them either. He found the music too loud, and he wasn’t enamoured with alcohol, unlike Yukhei who could drink anyone under the table, and even Ten himself, who went through tumblers of spirits at remarkable pace while he was working. Ten at least, though, kept precise hours, and he valued his quiet time. Every night at six, he called his parents. Every night at seven, he sat down to work on business plans, and he didn’t stop until the early hours. Doyoung didn’t mind that – the glow of his desk lamp was familiar from their school dormitory days.

   He was the perfect roommate.

   But above all, Doyoung was living for the time he could spend in the library.

   Some days, he left when Ten called his family to give him some privacy. Other days, he slipped into a room between classes, in the hopes that _someone_ might be working. Mostly, though, he left the dorm around eight in the evening, to get three or four good hours of study in, revising what he’d learned that day. Those were the hours that he _knew_ Jaehyun would be there.

   Jaehyun.

   ‘You alright?’

   Doyoung jumped. He’d been in the library for an hour or so already, but Jaehyun hadn’t been at the desk when he’d arrived. He wasn’t too worried – he knew that his shifts started later some days.

   He was here now, though. Doyoung would recognise his voice anywhere.

   ‘I’m fine,’ Doyoung smiled, drawing out the seat next to him so that Jaehyun could sit down.

   This had become something of a new pattern over the last week or so. On one afternoon, when the library had been packed with some sort of tutorial program, Jaehyun had picked him up from a crammed study room and led him away deeper into the labyrinth of the library. He’d taken him down several corridors, into an elevator, down another few corridors, and then up a spiral staircase to a wide, high-ceilinged room that was completely empty of people.

   It was the clock tower.

   Jaehyun had told him that very few people remembered the complex directions to find it, so except for when the library was most overflowing, it was nearly always empty. Here, Doyoung could work in silence. And he’d fallen in love with it.

   ‘Here,’ Jaehyun reached into his bag, pulling out a paper packet. When he unfolded it, Doyoung felt the smile creep onto his face.

   ‘Did you make this?’ he asked, taking the slice of cake.

   ‘Mmhm.’

   ‘I love to bake,’ Doyoung said excitedly. ‘There’s a real _science_ to baking. Did you know that when you apply heat to sodium bicarbonate, it reacts with acidic ingredients to produce CO2, which is what makes the dough rise? And that it’s lecithin in egg yolk that acts as the emulsifier when binding water-based liquids and fat-based liquids? And that - ’

   Jaehyun stared at him.

   ‘Sorry,’ he blushed.

   ‘Don’t you apologise to me for knowing things ever again, Kim Dongyoung,’ Jaehyun said calmly. ‘You know, there’s nothing more appealing than a mind filled with knowledge.’

   If Doyoung had blushed at his over-explaining for the thousandth time, it was nothing compared to the flush that went all the way to his ears at the sound of those words.

   ‘I’m afraid I can’t vouch for the science behind this cake, mind. Chemistry was never my strong point. I just sort of throw all the ingredients in and hope for the best. But this is my grandmother’s _best_ recipe, so I think you’ll be fine.’

   Doyoung gave him what he hoped was a winning smile. ‘Thank you,’ he said, heart racing like it always did when Jaehyun was with him.

   ‘Mind if I work with you? I have so much reading to do.’

   ‘You’re not… _working_ working?’ Doyoung asked in surprise. He’d been expecting Jaehyun to go back down to the desk like he usually did.

   ‘Nah, I don’t work Thursdays. I just wanted to see you.’

   At that, Doyoung was certain he turned positively crimson. Recently, he’d found himself lying awake at night thinking about Jaehyun. He couldn’t fathom why he came to see him each day. He couldn’t understand why _Jaehyun_ , handsome, undoubtedly popular, older, intelligent Jaehyun came to see _him_. For a horrible moment, he’d thought that maybe he felt sorry for him. After all, what sort of kid started the new year in the library? Maybe he thought that he had no friends. Maybe he thought that he was lonely.

   Doyoung wasn’t lonely.

   Well perhaps a little.

   He had his friends who he loved more than anything. But still, he couldn’t help but want something… more, sometimes. He’d daydreamed about romance like everyone else at school – he’d imagined what it would feel like to be kissed, to hold hands with someone, to talk about the parts of himself that he kept locked away. But the only other person who he was sure liked boys at school had been Ten, and he’d take a bullet for him, but there was no way in _hell_ he was going to date him.  

   So high-school romance, that thrill of a first love, had been off the cards.

   He jumped, snapped out of his internal soliloquising, when Jaehyun pulled his books out of his bag and dumped them onto the desk right next to him.

   “ _I just wanted to see you._ ”

Jaehyun didn’t come to see him because he felt sorry for him. He came here on his day off because he _wanted_ to see him. Doyoung’s heart skipped a beat. Or not. He wasn’t prone to any serious health problems. But it felt like it did.

   Doyoung went back to work, but his eyes flickered to the spines of Jaehyun’s books. Korean history books, all of them.

   ‘You’re going to be a historian?’ he asked, unable to stop himself.

   Jaehyun looked up with a small smile. ‘Oh no, you’re not going to tell me what a dead-end that is, are you? I know what you computer lot can be like…’

   ‘No!’ Doyoung said quickly, a little too loudly. ‘No, I love history. It’s the only true blueprint we have for the foundations of our world. It’s a whole story of our cultural origins, of economic and social trends, and – and I’m rambling again.’

   ‘You remember what I said, right? Don’t… don’t stop yourself.’

   ‘You really don’t mind me talking?’

   ‘I love hearing you talk.’

   It was fitting, then, that Doyoung fell completely silent after that.

   Doyoung wasn’t blind. Quite the opposite, he was a realist with a logical appraisal of all his interactions, and he knew now what was going on here.

   Jaehyun was flirting with him.

   He wasn’t sure he could remember anyone _ever_ flirting with him before.

   Oh _shit_ his dream guy was flirting with him.

   And he had no idea how to flirt back.

   So he looked down at his work, his whole body feeling hot, and tried really hard not to think about it.

   In fact, he didn’t say _anything_ at all for the entirety of their time working. Instead, he nibbled his way through his cake, stealing little glances across at Jaehyun whenever he dared.

   He looked like just about every fantasy Doyoung had ever had.

   One hand pinned back his hair, worrying through his bangs whenever he was thinking about something. His brow furrowed slightly in concentration. When he sat back in pause, his fingers played around with his square-framed glasses. He smiled when he thought of the right things to write, and he pulled faces when he wasn’t so sure. He was wearing a very plush looking white sweater, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows to reveal strong forearms and – _oh_ – a lovely vein that caught Doyoung’s eye, running down to his hand. His _hands_. Beautiful hands. Delicate hands. Artist’s hands. Hands that were designed for stroking carefully through the pages of antique books.

   ‘I should be getting home.’

   Doyoung met Jaehyun’s eyes, very, _very_ aware that the fact that he’d looked up at that exact moment meant he’d probably seen him staring.

   ‘I’m leading a seminar tomorrow morning.’

   ‘Oh, oh okay,’ Doyoung nodded. ‘I’ll come too. Ten worries when I’m out too late.’

   ‘Ten? Your roommate?’ Jaehyun asked as he packed up. ‘You guys must have got close fast if he’s worrying about you.’

   It clicked, after a moment, that Jaehyun sounded a little… concerned. _Shit_ , did he think that he was having a thing with _Ten_? ‘Oh I’ve known Ten since I was eleven,’ he laughed quickly. ‘He’s like my brother.’

   Jaehyun relaxed slightly. ‘That’s cool, that you have a friend with you at college. Makes it a bit less scary, right?’

   ‘Oh yes. I have Ten but I also have my friend Yukhei, too. They’re like a _battering_ ram, put together. Yukhei is so loud and brash that no one ever gets in his way in case they get trampled, and Ten is frighteningly persuasive and impossible to argue with. Between the two of them, I’m fairly secure.’

   ‘What’s your role in this equation?’

   ‘I’m the brain,’ Doyoung said lightly.

   ‘What about… what about as a person?’ Jaehyun asked, voice inquisitive. ‘I’m sure you’re more than _just_ your brain.’

   ‘Well that raises several issues, I mean you could arguably say that a person is very _much_ just their brain, if we’re talking about consciousness. Unless you believe in the soul. Do you believe in the soul? I mean if we go into biology, there’s the _whole_ nervous system to consider, but - ’

   ‘I believe in soulmates.’

   Doyoung stared at him, stopping dead.

   They were out in the campus plaza, the place where they’d have to part. The night air was cool, Fall having started to creep up on them over the last week or so.

   Doyoung swallowed. Then - ‘So do I,’ he said softly.

   For a moment, there was quiet.

   ‘I suppose I’m like the baby of the family,’ Doyoung said at last, realising he should steer the conversation back to somewhere more stable. ‘I mean we’re the same age, we met in school – in fact, I’m several weeks older than Ten. But they’re both… very confident, very bold, just so _unafraid_ of everything. I’m a little more nervy. I’m a worrier, you know? But they make sure I’m always okay. Ten calms me down when I’m stressed. And Yukhei scared off all the kids who tried to bully me at school.’

   As if to exemplify his point about his nerves, Doyoung jumped at the sound of shouting in the distance, glancing over his shoulder apprehensively.

   ‘What’s that?’ Jaehyun narrowed his eyes.

   ‘There was a big group of guys drinking on the quad outside our dorm earlier,’ Doyoung muttered. ‘I bet they’re completely wasted now.’

   Jaehyun properly frowned. ‘You want me to walk you home?’

   ‘Oh – oh no, don’t worry,’ he jumped to backtrack. ‘I established three alternative routes to the dorm as soon as I moved in, in case of diversion.’

   ‘Right, except if they’re _outside_ your dorm, you’re still gonna have to pass them, right?’

   ‘I… yes…’ he trailed off.

   ‘Let me walk you. It gets pretty dark around here at night anyway. I don’t like the thought of you walking around by yourself. It’s been bothering me for days.’

   Jaehyun was worried about him. Jaehyun who a few minutes early had presumed he and Ten to be _close_ because _Ten_ was worrying about him. Did that make _them_ close?

   _Yes_.

   ‘Is that okay?’ Jaehyun asked gently.

   ‘Oh yes. Yes… please,’ Doyoung murmured.

   Jaehyun looked happy with that, falling into step beside him. ‘You talk more than you did when we first met. You told me you weren’t loquacious,’ he smiled.

   Doyoung kept his eyes on their feet - smart, black boots on his, battered, brown leather shoes on Jaehyun’s. ‘I’m not. I don’t like small-talk. I’m not _chatty_. But everything you say to me is interesting. _You’re_ interesting.’ The words slipped out, without him even thinking about them.

   _Oh God_ , was he flirting back?

   ‘Thanks,’ Jaehyun said, tone light. ‘I try.’

   As they approached Doyoung’s dorm, Doyoung edged in a little closer to Jaehyun’s side. They were almost the same height, Jaehyun maybe an inch taller, but side by side, Doyoung felt smaller. Jaehyun was broader, but more importantly he walked with an aura of collected confidence.

   ‘Reckon they’ve moved on,’ said Jaehyun, glancing around when there were no students to be seen.

   ‘Thank you for walking me back,’ Doyoung answered. He felt a little guilty.

   ‘I’ll walk you to your door,’ Jaehyun nodded inside the building.

   The dorms were alive with action, thriving far more in the night hours than they did during the day. Doyoung moved quickly, mainly because he didn’t want to be spotted by Yukhei moving from party-room to party-room – he wasn’t in the mood to be cajoled into joining a party.

   ‘This one’s me,’ he nodded at his door.

   ‘Can I - ’ Jaehyun started, then he stopped. Then he seemed to decide in favour again. ‘Can I touch you?’ he asked very quietly, hand lifting to hover near his jaw.

   Doyoung, heart in his throat, managed a nod.

   Jaehyun’s fingers stroked gently across his cheek, then found their way past his ear, lacing into the hair at his nape. He guided their faces very close together, so close that Doyoung could feel his breath on his lips, as he exhaled, ‘can I - ’

   There was a loud _bang!_ in a distant room, and Doyoung felt his racing heart crash to a standstill, seemingly frozen in time. Jaehyun rested his forehead against his, but their lips did not touch.

   ‘Way to ruin the moment,’ Jaehyun whispered, closing his eyes in exasperation at the disturbance.

   Doyoung smiled at the sudden reduction in tension, but then his heart restarted its hammering upon the realisation that they were still touching, that their noses brushed together with the slightest movement, that he could feel Jaehyun present in his space more closely than he’d ever allowed someone before. ‘You don’t get a moment of peace in this dorm.’

   ‘Mm,’ Jaehyun sighed, ‘and I really wanted to kiss you.’

   He finally pulled back, and then, to Doyoung’s surprise, he reached down, taking his hand. His breath seemed to halt completely as Jaehyun lifted his hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to his knuckles. Doyoung wondered whether he could feel his hand shaking. Jaehyun looked up, meeting his eyes again.

   ‘You know, we really should meet somewhere other than the library one time.’

   ‘Any – any ideas?’ Doyoung swallowed.

   ‘There’s a coffee shop, just down by the East Halls. Let me take you out on a date, Kim Dongyoung. Tomorrow.’

   Doyoung nodded, breathless, mouth dry.

   ‘Feel like sharing your cellphone number? Or your dorm phone? I’ll call you in the morning.’

   He nodded again. Jaehyun took out his phone, already outdated, and held it out for him to input.

   Doyoung didn’t want to say goodbye. All of a sudden, he wanted to walk right back out of the dorms with Jaehyun. He wanted to go for coffee now. He wanted to do everything with Jaehyun.

   But he had to say goodbye.

   _Why_ had that bang had to happen? _Stupid_ parties!

   ‘For you,’ Jaehyun murmured, taking a small envelope from his pocket and sliding it slowly into Doyoung’s chest pocket.

   ‘See you tomorrow,’ said Doyoung, breath catching at the small touch.

   ‘Goodnight, Doyoungie.’

   ‘Goodnight, hyung.’

   Doyoung actually flopped against his door for a moment, breathing heavily. Had he been breathing like that the whole time? He couldn’t remember. Then, finally, when Jaehyun was gone and the only sound rushing in his ears was distant music combined with his own pulse, he slipped inside.

   Ten was at his desk, the classical music from his MP3 player audible from the doorway. He resolutely refused to buy an iPod, even though Doyoung had told him a thousand times that _Apple_ was the future. He looked up at Doyoung’s entry, and pulled off his headphones.

   ‘Alright?’ he said automatically.

   ‘Great,’ Doyoung smiled.

   At this, Ten cocked his head to one side. ‘You look happy.’

   ‘You don’t,’ Doyoung narrowed his eyes. Firstly, saying so made a good diversion from his accidental sharing of elation, but secondly, he was absolutely certain that Ten wasn’t happy. He didn’t listen to music an awful lot, and when he did, it was usually quiet. The only time he boosted the volume was when he wanted to drown out something in his head. ‘Is anything up?’

   Ten looked back down at his notes. ‘Just stuff.’

   ‘You want to talk about it?’

   ‘Nope.’

   ‘Okay,’ Doyoung nodded, dropping down onto his bed.

   He didn’t press any further. Ten didn’t like talking about personal things. Yukhei could just about bully him into sharing by sheer belligerence, but Doyoung didn’t like to push him. Besides, he already knew all of his friend’s anxieties. He knew that Ten’s sister was chronically unwell, and that half of his phone-calls home were preoccupied with checking up on her. He knew that he had horrible cash-flow problems – Ten had managed his way through private school on a full-ride scholarship, but at college he was only partially funded.

   So he didn’t ask. He didn’t want to stir up the things that Ten had worked to drown out.

   Instead, when Ten turned back to his book, he dared to pull out the envelope from his pocket.

   It was small, blue, simple but with his name in lovely handwriting on the front.

   Jaehyun had written him a _letter_. Not just a scrawled note, although the drawer in his nightstand was starting to fill up with those already, but a real _letter_. He flipped the envelope open, and pulled out the paper inside. Then, to his surprise, a small piece of card fell out with it.

   He picked that up first, turning it over.

   It was a polaroid.

   The photo was of rain on a window – heavy rain. Already, Doyoung could remember the day he must have taken it. It had been a couple of days ago, the first time that it had heavily poured since he’d been on campus. The rain had been so bad that he and Ten had wound up huddling under Yukhei’s coat while they walked to lunch. Yukhei himself had walked up ahead, the rain seeming to get out of his way as much as people did. Impervious, as ever.

   He unfolded the note, scanning it quickly, then he read it twice more.

   _Doyoung,_

_Rainy days are all about finding someone to share them with._

_Jaehyun._

   He looked back to the photo. A thousand images had already flashed across his mind.

   Staying in with Jaehyun on a rainy day.

   He wasn’t sure where Jaehyun lived – in reality, it was probably in a room similar to a dorm – but in his imagination the place was more like a loft, with nice beamed ceilings and vintage furniture and lots and lots of books. Books everywhere. Jaehyun would talk to him about history and the rain would patter on the windows and Doyoung would rest back against his chest listening and learning because he so _loved_ to learn and –

   _Don’t fall in love._

It had been bad enough on the first day.

   Three weeks on, and it was _worse._

Doyoung had never believed in love at first sight. He’d always said that people who proclaimed it about their partners were merely victims of biased memory. He’d always said that attraction at first sight was natural, _lust_ at first sight an understandable chemical reaction, but love? No.

   Except now he couldn’t shake the feeling inside his chest. It had been there since the moment he’d seen him – this magnetic pull that he couldn’t shift. From that first night, he’d started to feel a… a _strain_ when they were apart.

   There was a reason he couldn’t go a day without visiting the library.

   He propped the polaroid onto his nightstand, rolling onto his side to just stare at it. He knew that if he left it there, Yukhei and Ten would ask where it had come from, but it didn’t deserve to be put away in a drawer.

   He stared at the phone, against which the polaroid was now leant, and wondered how many hours he’d have to wait until he’d get it hear it ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	3. Chapter 3

   ‘What are you getting all dressed up for?’

   ‘Dressed up? I’m not getting dressed up,’ Doyoung said quickly. He turned away from the mirror as soon as possible, as though he hadn’t been looking, but Ten was already smirking.

   ‘Yes you are. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look in the mirror for more than five seconds. You’re getting dressed up.’

   Doyoung took a deep breath, then he darted over to Ten’s bed, sitting down next to him. At first, he’d wanted to keep it a secret, but now he was so excited that he couldn’t hold it in anymore. ‘Tennie, I’m going on a date.’

   Ten stared at him in complete astonishment.

   He didn’t blame him. Doyoung had never really… shown much interest in the idea. Even his daydreams, he’d kept to himself. And he _didn’t_ usually spend much time in front of the mirror. Not like Ten, who’d started customising his school uniforms from his first day, and had added piercing after piercing in his ears, determined to make his look stand out. Not like Yukhei, who’d spent half of each morning at school checking out the effect of his workouts in the mirror, and the other half trying to get his hair to flick right at the front.

   Doyoung was more of the… _get-some-extra-reading-in_ type when it came to utilising time.

   ‘ _Please_ don’t tell Yukhei! You know he lives to gossip. Half the college will know if he finds out.’

   Finally, the spell of surprise broken by the mention of their loudest friend, Ten smiled. ‘Who are you going on a date with?’

   Ten, who kept his own secrets close to his chest, had this alarming ability to get information out of anyone else purely by a look in his eyes, and Doyoung, even after eight years, was not immune.

   ‘I met this guy at the library,’ he whispered. ‘Oh _Ten_ he’s amazing. He’s so smart. He’s a research student. He actually likes listening to me talk and yesterday we almost kissed and - ’ _and I think I’m in love with him_. He kept that part to himself. He didn’t want his friend to think that he was insane.

   Ten was looking at him with soft eyes. He could be dry, sarcastic, but he was a boy who, above all, wanted the very best for the people he loved. ‘A research student? Our Doyoungie landing an older man?’ he smiled.

   ‘ _Don’t_ tell Yukhei,’ he reminded him quickly.

   ‘Well I’ll be damned,’ Ten shook his head. ‘I didn’t think you’d be the first of us to get a date at college.’

   ‘But Yukhei’s had loads of - ’

   ‘They aren’t exactly _dates_ , Doyoung,’ Ten said awkwardly.

   ‘Oh, yeah…’

   Yukhei had taken his new-found freedom from boarding school _very_ seriously.

   ‘I want to look smart, Ten, but not _boring_. Every time we’ve met so far has been at the library and I want him to know that I like other things too.’

   ‘Every time? How long has this been going on?’

   ‘Since the day we got here,’ he whispered.

   Ten squeezed his shoulder, making him jump slightly. ‘I’m impressed, Doyoung.’

   ‘Can I borrow one of your jackets? One of the cool ones?’

   ‘Of course you can, but is that really how you want to look? It sounds like this guy likes you just the way you are.’

   Doyoung turned slightly pink. ‘He even likes my glasses.’

   ‘He said that?’

   He nodded.

   ‘Then why aren’t you _wearing_ them?’

   ‘I should do that?’

   ‘Take the hints, Doyoung,’ Ten laughed. ‘Come here.’

   Doyoung leant in a little closer so that Ten could fix his hair. ‘Oh God I’m nervous,’ he said. It was true. Meeting Jaehyun at the library had been like… like an alternate reality. The normal rules didn’t apply there. But going for a date? In the daytime? Suddenly he was worried that Jaehyun wouldn’t _like_ him; that he wouldn’t be attracted to him; that he’d wonder why on earth he’d got so involved with him.

   ‘Well that’s normal,’ said Ten. ‘Just be yourself. Yourself is _great_ , Doyoung. This guy can’t possibly be more discerning that _I_ am, and I count you amongst the only two people worth knowing.’

   Doyoung laughed softly as he looked down. ‘Thanks, Ten.’

*

   Jaehyun wasn’t in the coffee shop. He was outside.

   Although fall had its grasp around campus, the sun could trick anyone into thinking it was a summer’s day. The air was cool, but a glint of sunlight dappled through the trees set between the paths, and a lot of people were desperately clinging to summer by giving their t-shirts a final run out.

   Jaehyun was one of them, though he had a very smart blazer over the back of his chair.

   For a moment, Doyoung just watched him.

   He wasn’t sure whether it was nerves, or just an opportunity for appraisal, but either way he loitered slightly.

   Jaehyun had a book out, _obviously_. But he was taking notes in the book. That wasn’t Doyoung’s style. He never even dog-eared pages. He could already tell that this would be the difference between them. Jaehyun was the casual thinker, papers in chaos and pencil behind his ear and flush with calm intellect. Doyoung was… the geek. He didn’t mind that word, or any that were similar. He’d learned to accept them early – at least that way other kids couldn’t use them against him. He knew that he was a stickler for rules, focussed on precision, on _facts._ Jaehyun struck him as more of a philosopher.

   _Shit_ he needed to talk to him about philosophy some time.

   Some time. He was already planning all the conversations he wanted to have with him in the future. Maybe while the rain was tapping on the windows.

   He took a very, _very_ deep breath, and then crossed over to the little veranda of the campus coffee shop.

   Jaehyun beamed as soon as he looked up. He looked so excited to see him. Doyoung wasn’t sure anyone had _ever_ looked at him like that before.

   ‘Doyoung,’ he said with a dazzling smile.

   _Fairy-tale-smile,_ Doyoung thought. ‘Hi,’ he said back, swallowing down his nerves.

   ‘You look lovely.’

   If Doyoung didn’t take such care to remain in control of himself at all times, he’d probably have spluttered. ‘Um thanks. You look nice too.’

   ‘I’m so glad I get to have a proper look at you in the daylight. It’s a nice day, isn’t it? Uncharacteristic for this time of year.’

   ‘Actually, it’s not so much,’ Doyoung mused. ‘It’s usually still mild in late October, but people forget every year because they’re mentally preparing for winter. Going by average temperatures, if anything this is fairly cool by usual standards.’

   ‘God you’re so great,’ Jaehyun shook his head, eyes flitting over him as though he wanted to learn every feature. ‘I just love how you… know everything.’

   It made his heart turn over every time he said something like that. ‘Not everything,’ he said quietly.

   ‘What don’t you know, Doyoung?’

   ‘I don’t know the protocol for a first date. Do we bow or do we hug? Do I go and get my own coffee?’

   ‘How about this?’ Jaehyun leant in, and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek.

   When he pulled back, Doyoung could feel a buzzing where he’d touched him, like some electricity had passed between them, and his fingers lifted automatically to brush over the spot.

   ‘And as for your coffee? _Absolutely_ not. What do you want me to get for you?’

   ‘Anything except coffee, please.’

   Jaehyun grinned. ‘I invited you for coffee, but you don’t like coffee? You should have told me. We could have gone somewhere else.’

   ‘It’s not that I don’t _like_ coffee, I just don’t want to establish a dependency. I struggle with sleeping anyway. I always have all these ideas in my head and I really can’t turn my brain off very easily at night. Caffeine would be…’

   ‘Adding fuel to the fire?’

   He nodded.

   ‘Would you tolerate tea?’

   ‘Okay,’ he gave him a small smile.

   ‘Are you alright sitting outside on this uncharacteristically _cool_ day? Or shall we move in?’

   ‘Oh no it’s fine,’ he said, taking a seat. He was used to the cold. Ten had maintained furious control of the whole dorm’s thermostat at school, and he wasn’t a fan of heat.

   As soon as Jaehyun was gone, he caught his breath for a moment.

   He was doing okay.

   He hadn’t said anything stupid.

   He _had_ corrected him about the temperature. But Jaehyun had seemed to find that charming.

   When Jaehyun returned and put down his cup in front of him, he caught the strong smell of coffee from Jaehyun’s own cup. It was a nice smell. It was very… _like_ him. It matched his nice old books and the sweaters that he wore sometimes and the general air of… study.

   ‘Did you know that the largest _ever_ cup of coffee was brewed right here in Korea? It was 3,700 gallons,’ Doyoung blurted out.

   ‘I bet that would keep you up at night,’ Jaehyun laughed.

   ‘Actually, it would kill you. A lethal dose of caffeine hovers at around one-hundred standard cups of coffee.’

   Jaehyun glanced down at his cup. ‘Well now I’m nervous. I haven’t kept count this morning…’

   Doyoung laughed. Everything Jaehyun said seemed to make him smile.

   ‘How do you know all this stuff, Doyoungie?’ Jaehyun asked, stirring his drink. ‘I mean _really_? You’re like a fountain of knowledge.’

   He shrugged, looking down. ‘I just remember everything I read. And I read a lot.’

   ‘ _Everything_?’

   He shrugged again.

   ‘So you have like… a photographic memory?’

   ‘Photographic memory is - ’ he pulled a face, ‘a very _tenuous_ concept. When people use the term, they’re usually referring to eidetic memory. And studies of the memory haven’t revealed much evidence to support the existence of any such thing at all. A lot of researchers consider the whole concept a myth, or at the very least, are sceptical. Mostly, I just believe that I have a very _good_ memory. And I’ve spent an awful lot of time reading.’

   ‘I wish I could remember everything I read,’ Jaehyun muttered, nodding to his book on the table, ‘then I wouldn’t have to lug all these around with me.’

   ‘Einstein said to never memorise something that you can look up. I have to say I agree. My mind is full enough already, I’d prefer to keep some breathing space. And besides, I feel there’s something of a _thrill_ when you rediscover something in a book – something you thought you’d forgotten. That’s not something I get to feel very often. When you recall as much as I do, you don’t get… surprised, very often.’

   ‘I’ll take care to surprise you as much as I can,’ Jaehyun said softly.

   ‘Thank you.’ He wondered for a moment how Jaehyun seemed to know all the routes to his heart.

   ‘So what made you start reading so much?’

   Doyoung played around with his cup as he talked. He couldn’t quite look in Jaehyun’s eyes for any prolonged amount of time, yet. He was worried that after too long his feelings might show in his own, and he didn’t want to chase him away with the intensity. ‘I started when I was very young. I met my friend Yukhei when we were four. We’ve been _best_ friends since we were five. We were at a very exclusive prep school. Yukhei’s parents left him there in the boarding house.’

   ‘At _four_?’ Jaehyun looked disgusted.

   ‘Mmhm. They weren’t so interested in him until he turned old enough to be useful to them. Joke’s on them now, mind,’ he said with a small smile. ‘I was only a day student – my parents picked me up after school – but I stayed late in the dormitory with Yukhei every day. I didn’t want him to be by himself. We were… a friendship in juxtaposition, back then. He’s somewhat… chaotic. He used to tire me out so much,’ he laughed. ‘But his Korean wasn’t very good early on, so I used to read to him. Anything that I could get my hands on. To help him expand his vocabulary.’

   ‘You were a very kind friend even then?’ Jaehyun said, although he didn’t sound all that surprised.

   ‘I suppose,’ he shrugged.

   ‘Was Ten at that school too?’

   ‘We met Ten a little later, when we moved to a new high school. I started boarding, too.’

   ‘What was that like?’ Jaehyun asked.

   ‘Oh it was _terrible_. It was very difficult, for me. I didn’t like…’ he stopped, looking up nervously in case that was an overshare. Jaehyun held his gaze, a question in his eyes. Emboldened, he continued. ‘I didn’t like being _left_. I got very withdrawn. And so I retreated into reading as a distraction.’

   ‘I can’t even _imagine_ boarding school,’ Jaehyun shook his head. ‘I was home-schooled.’

   ‘Really?’

   ‘By my mom and my grandmother. We are… an unconventional family.’

   ‘Oh tell me! I’m sure that was much more interesting than boarding school!’

   Jaehyun laughed. ‘Well, my father ditched us before I was born. And my grandfather wasn’t around either. The men in my family don’t have… a brilliant track record. So they raised me, the two of them, by themselves. My mom is an artist. My grandmother ran a bakery. She still does now. They taught me everything I know.’

   ‘They sound great!’

   ‘I’m sorry you had a rotten time at boarding school,’ Jaehyun murmured.

   ‘Oh it’s okay. Without that school, I’d never have met Ten, and without Ten, we’d never have made the company.’

   ‘The company?’

   ‘We’re starting a business. We’ve _started_ a business. That’s why we all came to the same college, so that we can work together. We’re going to provide affordable, environmentally friendly tech, to _everyone_. It’s going to be a big company. Very big. Global. Ground-breaking.’

   ‘Amazing,’ Jaehyun breathed. ‘God, Doyoung, you’re amazing. You’ve got your whole life mapped out.’

   ‘Will you be a part of it?’ he whispered.

   Shit. _Shit_. Oh _shit_. It had slipped out. _Shit_.

   ‘Sorry, I don’t know why I just - ’

   ‘Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there,’ Jaehyun gave him his crooked smile, ‘if you want me.’

   Doyoung stared at him, then gulped. All of a sudden, he felt very light-headed.

   ‘You felt it, right? The moment we met?’ Jaehyun reached across the table and took his hand, interlinking their fingers together. His hand was warm, slightly bigger than his, and when their palms touched, some kind of charge seemed to rush between them.

   Slowly, tremulously, Doyoung nodded.

   ‘I was worried it was just me,’ Jaehyun breathed, looking _relieved_. ‘Fuck, Doyoung, from the second I met you I couldn’t stop thinking about you. About us. Suddenly I was daydreaming about the future like always only… only you were there. Every time. Like it had always been written that way and I’d just never opened my eyes properly before.’

   ‘Like we were made for each other,’ Doyoung whispered.

   ‘You know, I still _really_ want to kiss you, right?’

   ‘I’ve kind of been waiting,’ Doyoung said softly.

   At last, _finally_ , he didn’t feel nervous. It was as though when their fingers had linked, all of the tension had vanished from his body. He didn’t feel like an inexperienced kid, or like Jaehyun would realise he wasn’t worth his time, or like he’d never been kissed before and he might _do-it-wrong_. He felt older, he felt _attractive_ , he felt confident, because if Jaehyun wanted him, that meant he was doing something right.

   Jaehyun moved his chair enough to pull him closer by their hands, and then he pressed his lips against his. Doyoung’s world… settled. Jaehyun’s fingers on his free hand worked straight into his hair, gentle and exploratory before finding a place to cradle at his neck. Doyoung let his eyes fall closed, concentrating, focussing on a moment in his life where there was no _noise_ in his head, no constant stream of thought, only the warmth, the spark, the loaded _feeling_ of Jaehyun kissing him.

   When Jaehyun’s lips parted slightly, allowing space for a breath, Doyoung tasted the coffee, bitter and unfamiliar and as intoxicating as liquor on his lower lip – intoxicating because it was so very _him_. Doyoung thought that he could probably kiss him forever. He wanted to. He wanted to feel the stroke of Jaehyun’s tongue across his lips, the heat of a passionate kiss, the inherent need of it all, but Jaehyun pulled away too soon. He pressed a last, sweet, chaste kiss to the corner of his lips, and then sat back.

   His hand slid down to his neck, where he could thumb tenderly at the line of his jaw.

   Jaehyun’s hands really were so very gentle, like he’d thought; designed to leaf through fragile pages. Designed to hold him, he thought now too.

   ‘Sorry I kept you waiting,’ he murmured.

   ‘It was worth the wait,’ Doyoung said, completely breathlessly. ‘Thank you.’

   Jaehyun laughed, the spell broken, and gave him such a fond smile that they could have been together forever. It was warm with familiarity. ‘You don’t have to say thank you for me kissing you, Doyoungie.’

   ‘Sorry. I’m a little… It might take me a moment to get my head back in shape.’

   ‘Kim Dongyoung with his head out of shape? Well I _have_ done well,’ Jaehyun beamed. ‘There can’t be many things that knock you off balance.’

   ‘You’re the thing. The only thing.’

   ‘A privilege,’ Jaehyun said, giving his hand a last squeeze before returning to his coffee. Then – ‘ah _fuck_!’ He clapped his hand to his forehead.

   ‘ _What_?’ Doyoung said in a panic.

   ‘I was so excited this morning that I forgot to write you a note.’

   Doyoung sighed in relief. He had half a mind to tell Jaehyun not to make his heart stop like that again. ‘Write me one now.’

   Jaehyun grinned, then tore out a fragment of paper from his workbook, hand covering the page as he scribbled a note. Then he pushed it across the table, meeting his eyes.

   Doyoung actually resented having to look away for a moment, but he looked at the paper.

   _I’m really glad you wore the glasses._

A smile crept its way to Doyoung’s face, and he looked down shyly. He went to fold the note up and slot it into his pocket, but Jaehyun caught his hand and took it back.

   ‘Wait,’ he said, holding up a hand in pause.

   He pushed it back again after a moment.

   _Oh, and the kiss was good too._

Doyoung laughed a little. ‘It’s not your most eloquent note. But the thought is… lovely.’

   ‘Well what can I say? It might take me a moment to get my head back in shape.’

   Doyoung took the note, smiling to himself, and put it in his pocket. It could join the others in his drawer. They came in so many forms – flirtatious little phrases, rhyming couplets, observations, excerpts from poetry, _polaroids_ now. They would become his scrapbook, a record of every day he’d spent with Jaehyun. And he wanted that to be a _lot_ of days.

   ‘Shall we go for a walk? You’re still new on campus, but I know _all_ the places to be. I’ll even point out the best places to read.’

   Doyoung nodded. There was a moment, when they stood up, where he wasn’t sure whether or not Jaehyun was going to take his hand. After a split second, Jaehyun wrapped his arm around his shoulders instead. Doyoung tucked in close to him, enjoying the heat of closeness. It was an uncharacteristically cool day, after all.

   As they set off for a walk, Doyoung smiled. He couldn’t _stop_ smiling. Not with the fading imprint of his first kiss still hovering around his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	4. Chapter 4

   ‘Tell me again,’ Ten said calmly, ‘what _exactly_ did he say to you?’

   Doyoung looked down, fiddling with his chopsticks. He aligned them carefully, then moved on to Yukhei’s. ‘He told me that if I thought I was so clever, I should either try my luck submitting an application to the department for a teaching role, or sit down and shut up. Oh, and he called me an ignorant kid,’ he added, ‘though subsequently a know-it-all. I think he ought to have picked one. I pointed out the contradiction, but then he threatened to throw me out of his class.’

   Yukhei slammed his hands down on the table, already halfway out of his seat. ‘Right. I’m going to see him.’

   There was a muscle working in Ten’s jaw, even as he caught Yukhei’s arm. ‘Don’t be stupid, Yukhei. You want to get kicked out during first semester for thumping a teacher?’

   ‘What? You’re gonna let some asshole talk to Doyoungie like that?’ Yukhei snapped.

   ‘Were you right?’ Ten asked gently.

   Doyoung looked up in mild surprise. ‘Of course I was right. There were two separate errors on his worksheet.’

   ‘Well that explains it,’ Ten sighed. ‘He was just pissed that a student was right and he was wrong. You remember how many times that happened at school?’ he gave him a small smile.

   ‘So are we going to fight or what?’ Yukhei demanded.

   ‘You want to put in a complaint?’ Ten asked Doyoung, ignoring him.

   ‘No. I just want him to include correct information on his worksheets.’

   Ten laughed, sitting back. ‘Well we’ll see how it goes, shall we? But you tell us – you tell _me_ – if he gives you grief again.’

   Doyoung nodded.

   ‘If it comes to that, I’ll deal with it.’

   He nodded again.

   Ten was good at that – dealing with things.

   ‘Fine,’ Yukhei muttered. ‘But if I hear about him bothering you again before Ten does, I’ll knock his fucking block off.’

   ‘Thank you, Xuxi,’ Doyoung murmured.

   Prior to his morning class, he’d been excited. He was excited, because he was going around to Jaehyun’s. From the moment he’d woken up, his eyes had been glued to his watch, already counting down the hours.

   In the three weeks since their first kiss, Doyoung felt that he’d learned almost as much about as his boyfriend as he knew about himself. They’d spent so much time just _talking_. His _boyfriend_. Jaehyun had assured him that it was okay to call him that – that they’d been exclusive, committed, from the very moment they’d laid eyes on each other.

   He’d learned that Jaehyun’s mother had moved them out to the US when Jaehyun was younger. He was fluent in English, and wanted to move back there some time once he had his PhD, to teach. He had a long list of colleges he wanted to work at: Berkeley, Harvard, Yale… and that was just in the states. Every day, he told Doyoung about a different country that he wanted to visit.

   A traveller.

   He knew, now, that Jaehyun could play the piano. He knew that he never liked having his shirt sleeves rolled down, because he preferred the freedom of having them out of the way. He knew, best of all, that Jaehyun was born on Valentine’s Day.

   ‘You guys wanna work on the battery design later? I don’t think there’s anything interesting happening at the dorm,’ said Yukhei, his rage apparently dissipated. Yukhei wasn’t known for staying in one mood for very long.

   ‘Sure,’ Ten smiled, then his eyes flickered to Doyoung.

   ‘Doyoung?’ Yukhei prompted.

   ‘Oh… um…’ he looked down. He’d been waiting for the moment to tell him, and he was pretty sure that this was the wrong one, but he had to say it. He hated keeping a secret from his oldest friend. He’d only kept this one for so long because he knew that Yukhei probably couldn’t keep a secret if his life depended on it.

   But the more he thought about it, the more it… didn’t matter. He and Jaehyun _weren’t_ a secret. They weren’t hiding – they walked around campus together all the time. Jaehyun had kissed him, even, outside. So what did it matter, if _everyone_ knew?

   And he was sure that Yukhei would already be hurt if he knew how long he’d been keeping it from him; if it went on any longer, it would only be worse.

   ‘I’m busy,’ he said softly.

   ‘ _Busy_? Doing what? And don’t say the library, because this counts as work!’

   ‘I’m going to…’ he took a deep breath. ‘I’m going to… to have dinner… with a guy.’

   Yukhei stared at him. Surprise was written all over his face. Astonishment. ‘Like… like _dinner_? With a guy?’

   ‘I’ve been seeing someone,’ he whispered, wishing that he could curl up and disappear.

   At this, Yukhei’s mouth actually fell open. ‘ _Seeing_ someone? Fucking hell, Doyoung, you don’t hang around! Where did you even meet him? You don’t go out!’

   ‘The library.’

   ‘Right, of course you did,’ Yukhei rolled his eyes. Then he rounded on Ten. ‘Did you know about this?’

   ‘I…’ Ten glanced at Doyoung. ‘I caught him getting ready for one of his dates.’

   ‘Fuck. _Who_? Tell me everything!’

   Doyoung smiled. At least he didn’t seem upset that he’d kept it quiet. ‘His name is Jaehyun. He’s doing research in the History department.’

   ‘Research? He’s older? How much older?’ Yukhei narrowed his eyes.

   ‘Not much,’ Doyoung said nervously. ‘He’s amazing. Perfect. Like all of my dreams put together into one man.’

   ‘Have you met him?’ Yukhei asked Ten.

   ‘Will you two not talk about him like I’m not here?’ Doyoung said loudly. ‘He’s _my_ boyfriend.’

   ‘ _Boyfriend_? You’re at the _boyfriend_ stage already?’ Even Ten looked surprised. ‘You’ve only known him a few weeks.’

   ‘Six weeks and two days,’ said Doyoung. ‘More than long enough.’

   Yukhei pulled a face. ‘I’m not sure I’m happy about you seeing an older guy.’

   ‘It’s a good thing that you’re not my keeper then, isn’t it, Yukhei?’ Doyoung said dryly. ‘You’re just jealous because I’m the first one of us to have a relationship that lasts longer than _one night_.’

   At this, Yukhei and Ten grinned at each other.

   ‘Shit, you must _really_ like this guy,’ Yukhei laughed. ‘I was only messing with you. You’ve gone all red.’

   Doyoung glared at him. He pressed his palms to his face, finding that his cheeks had definitely turned hot. His eyes were moody as he looked back down to his food.

   ‘Doyoung, if you really like this guy, then I’m happy for you,’ Yukhei said seriously.

   ‘He’s special,’ he whispered. ‘He… gets me.’

   At this, Yukhei and Ten exchanged another infuriating glance.

   ‘Do you know how long I’ve waited to find a guy who _gets_ me?’ Doyoung said loudly, more than a little irritated. ‘We’re not all super-hot, charismatic, social _butterflies_ with hot dates throwing themselves at them, Yukhei. Jaehyun is the first person who… who understands. He doesn’t mind the way I talk and he doesn’t mind it when I _don’t_ talk. I know I’ve only known him a few weeks, but I already know that I’m never going to find another guy like him in the entire world. He’s the one.’

   Ten and Yukhei stared at him, mouths slightly open.

   Doyoung swallowed, looking severely at the two of them in sequence with an expression that said this wasn’t something to be argued with.

   Yukhei broke the long silence, with a definite smirk on his face. ‘You think I’m super-hot?’

   ‘I think you’re a lot of things, Yukhei,’ Doyoung muttered.

   No matter how much his friends joked around, though, he was very, _very_ relieved to have this out in the open with them. They could be frustrating, overbearing, and _completely_ lacking of boundaries, but he wouldn’t have them any other way.

*

   Jaehyun lived on campus, but his building was very different from the dorm that Doyoung lived in. It was much quieter, and much _older_. As soon as he slipped through the front doors of the lobby in the evening, eyes flitting around for an analysis, he noticed that the carpet was dark from far too many years of use, and that the air was a little… stuffier. Not with the weight of questionable substances like his dorm, but just with _dust_. There weren’t many windows.

   He made his way straight to the second floor, counting down doors until he found Jaehyun’s number.

   There was a note, tacked to the door.

_Tell me all the things you have in your head, millions, myriads._

He took the heavy, textured paper, tasting each word on his tongue with soundless movements, and then he took a breath before knocking.

   The door opened before he’d even struck it a second time.

   Jaehyun leant against the frame, looking every bit as handsome as he had the first moment Doyoung had met him. He was wearing a thin grey sweater, sleeves rolled to the elbows as always, and jeans, and a smile so lovely that Doyoung’s heart hurt.

   ‘Did you write this?’ Doyoung held up the note without a word of greeting. ‘I mean _write_ it?’

   Jaehyun glanced at the paper, then met his eyes again. ‘It’s from a love letter, from Virginia Woolf to Vita Sackville-West. I… changed the wording, a little. Virginia wanted to share the thoughts in _her_ mind, but I… I just want to hear yours.’

   Doyoung stared at him. Then, after his thoughts caught up with each other, he launched himself forwards into a hug. He threw his arms so tightly, so quickly, around Jaehyun, that he actually knocked him back a step. A moment of surprise, and then Jaehyun wrapped an arm around him too.

   He wasn’t sure that he could find words to express what that note meant to him, but he didn’t really need to. Jaehyun would know.

   His boyfriend nudged him back, holding his shoulders. ‘So tell me what’s in your head, Doyoungie.’

   He thought back to everything that had coursed through his brain in the day. He thought about how he’d woken up at 3am thinking about a potential problem in a program that he was writing, and he couldn’t resolve it without turning on his computer but he didn’t want to wake up Ten, and he hadn’t slept again at all after that; he thought about how his professor had snapped at him, and about his best friends’ reactions; he thought about how on the way over he’d noticed that the trees on the quad weren’t indigenous to Korea, and he’d started to wonder where they’d imported them from.

   ‘Dinner,’ he said.

   Because that was the thought he kept coming back to.

   ‘Well then, I’m _very_ excited to welcome you to my home,’ Jaehyun stepped aside, letting him walk in properly.

   Doyoung slipped off his shoes. Even for him, there was a lot to take in. He tried to absorb it all as quickly as possible –

   The walls were _covered_ , papered completely with _things_. Postcards, maps, photographs, posters, even a college banner.

   The desk in the corner was piled so high with books that Doyoung wondered where he found space to write.

   The lighting was low, and exclusively from orangey lamps, because the overhead light wasn’t working.

   ‘I’m sorry, it’s not built for two people,’ Jaehyun said quietly, following his gaze.

   It was small, but not _that_ small - Doyoung had spent his formative years in a dorm, after all. There wasn’t a kitchen so much as a wedge of workspace and a tiny stove in the corner, and most of the rest of… everything… was squeezed into this one room too. There was his desk, of course, and a sunken couch, and a battered chest of drawers, and one door that must lead to the bathroom. In the far corner stood his bed. Doyoung glanced at that several times.

   It wasn’t the airy loft he had created in his fantasies.

   But if anything, he liked it more.

   It was real.

   ‘It’s fine,’ said Doyoung, inhaling deeply to take a guess at what was cooking.

   ‘The college offer these studios cut price for post-grads – I wasn’t going to miss out on a chance at subsidised rent. It means I can save more.’

   ‘Wise,’ Doyoung nodded. ‘What are you making?’

   ‘Well, you said you like simple, so it’s stew. And rice.’

   ‘Oh good,’ he exhaled. He’d been… worried, about it. He was extraordinarily selective about food. ‘Thank you.’

   ‘I don’t even have a table,’ Jaehyun sighed. ‘This all seemed more romantic until I remembered what this place looked like. I tried to tidy up.’

   ‘It’s very romantic,’ Doyoung murmured. ‘We don’t need a table.’

   He sat down on the couch, pulling his feet up so that he could settle cross-legged, and then rested his chin atop his arms on the back of the couch cushion so that he could watch Jaehyun cook.

   ‘Alright, here, if you don’t like it, _please_ tell me. You don’t have to be gentle. I’ll do it differently next time.’ He handed Doyoung one bowl, then another, and then climbed over the couch to sit next to him.

   They faced each other, warmth from fresh cooking radiating between them.

   ‘So, have you got any facts about stew?’ Jaehyun asked, watching him with soft, affectionate eyes.

   Doyoung could still not quite believe that he had someone who looked at him like that.

   ‘I’m not sure,’ he thought for a moment. ‘I have some facts about rice though. Rice is grown on every single continent, except Antarctica. There are an estimated forty _thousand_ varieties. Rice can offer you everything from riboflavin to zinc to thiamine to iron, but contains no sodium, no cholesterol, and very little fat.’

   ‘Perfect,’ Jaehyun beamed.

   They ate in silence for a while. Always comfortable silence.

   Jaehyun’s cooking was _good_.

   ‘How was class today?’

   ‘Oh,’ he shrugged, ‘it wasn’t great. My professor wasn’t too happy with me.’

   ‘Why?’ Jaehyun furrowed his brow.

   ‘He’d got his code wrong on his worksheet. I told him. Apparently that was ill-advised. He called me a know-it-all.’

   ‘ _Asshole_ ,’ Jaehyun muttered. ‘When I’m a professor, I can’t _wait_ for my students to point out everything I get wrong. Any real teacher is _excited_ when their kids are that bright. And you know what? You _are_ a know-it-all, Doyoung, and that’s great. You _literally_ know it all. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for your brain because of their own inferiority complex.’

   Doyoung nodded, looking down. ‘I don’t know why I let it bother me. I’ve heard it all before.’

   ‘Yeah, well, stuff like that can get harder the more you hear it. But that’s what they want. They’re just _threatened_ , Doyoungie.’

   ‘You’re going to be such a great teacher, Jae,’ he said quietly. He loved the sound of that name – though even once Jaehyun had told him not be formal, a couple of weeks ago, he still didn’t use it all that often. It felt… intimate. ‘You’re so intelligent and so learned but you listen like no one I’ve ever met before too.’

   ‘Well, good teachers are people who love learning, and _fuck_ do I learn a lot from you, Doyoung.’

   He blushed slightly, and went back to focussing on his food.

   It ended too soon.

   It was much, _much_ nicer than the food he’d been getting from the cafeteria.

   Afterwards, he got nervous. He wasn’t sure what the procedure was post-dinner. Was he supposed to leave? Was he supposed to help him clear up? Was he supposed to talk? He could talk, he just needed to pick a topic…

   ‘Don’t even think about it,’ Jaehyun said quickly, when he went to start helping him sort out the kitchen, having concluded that was the best option after all. ‘I’ve got it.’

   ‘Okay,’ Doyoung stepped back, walking back over to the desk to look around. ‘Do you mind if I read?’ he asked, picking up a book from the top of one of the piles.

   ‘Go ahead.’

   He flicked through the pages. The text was very small, a lot of it made up by charts and tables detailing Korean trade in the nineteenth century. He felt a smile when he saw a chapter all about _rice_ exports.

   He read that, at considerable pace, becoming so engrossed that he didn’t even hear Jaehyun wander up behind him.

   ‘Fascinating reading?’

   Doyoung scrunched his nose. ‘It’s rather dense, even for me.’

   ‘May I?’ Jaehyun asked gently, and Doyoung knew that he was asking to hold him.

   He always asked, now, ever since Doyoung had admitted once, in the middle of a midterm study panic, that he didn’t like to be touched when he was stressed. It wasn’t like he was stressed _now_ , but he knew that Jaehyun was careful, ever so careful. Since then, he always checked.

   He nodded, and Jaehyun wrapped his arms around his waist from behind. He settled his chin down on Doyoung’s shoulder, chest warm against his back.

   ‘Thank you for dinner,’ said Doyoung.

   ‘I’m glad you liked it,’ Jaehyun responded with an air of relief. ‘Since I knew my apartment wasn’t going to stun you, I _really_ hoped the dinner would.’

   ‘It was great. But this place is great, too. You should get a proper lightbulb, though.’

   ‘Yeah, I reckon all this low-light reading is gonna fuck up my eyes,’ Jaehyun nodded.

   ‘Hmm, myth,’ Doyoung said quietly, ‘working in low-light hasn’t been proven to cause any long-term damage to sight. It’ll dry your eyes out, mind. But more importantly, you’ll feel tired – the darkness will encourage your body to produce more melatonin, because it thinks it’s time to sleep.’

   ‘Right, I’m gonna buy a lightbulb tomorrow.’

   Doyoung closed his book and turned in Jaehyun’s arms. They were very close together, faces almost touching. With a wave of courage, he leant in and pressed a very quick, very light kiss to Jaehyun’s lips.

   It was the first time that he’d kissed him – that _he’d_ kissed _him_.

   Jaehyun detached an arm from his hold, stroking his fingertips down his face. ‘Have I ever told you how handsome you are, Kim Dongyoung?’

   ‘We mostly skipped the flirting phase and went straight to the _we’re-made-for-each-other_ phase,’ Doyoung mused. Then, his heart fluttered as he registered what Jaehyun had actually said.

   ‘Well you’re _very_ handsome,’ he breathed. ‘How _ever_ did I get so lucky meeting you at the library that day?’

   ‘Less luck, more probability. You work evenings. I study most evenings. It wasn’t unlikely.’

   ‘Are you tired?’ Jaehyun studied his eyes with a frown.

   Doyoung widened them slightly. He was surprised that Jaehyun had noticed. ‘Oh… I woke up very early today. But I’m fine.’

   ‘You want to stay here?’ Jaehyun asked. Then, clearly anxious not to sound like he was suggesting anything, he added quickly: ‘you can sleep in my bed and I’ll sleep on the couch.’

   ‘I don’t think you should be sleeping on the couch in your own room, Jae.’

   ‘You want me to walk you home?’

   ‘Not yet,’ he whispered.

   At this, Jaehyun positively beamed. He used his grip on Doyoung’s waist to steer him back to the couch and they sat back down. With a yawn that he couldn’t quite stifle, Doyoung settled against him, head to his chest. Jaehyun shifted his weight slightly, but then he wrapped his arms back around him.

   ‘When I imagined this, it was raining,’ Doyoung murmured.

   ‘You imagined this?’ he grinned.

   ‘Mm.’

   ‘Me too, but when I imagined it, there was music on.’

   ‘Next time,’ Doyoung yawned again, and then they fell back into easy silence.

   He closed his eyes, and he was sure that at some point, Jaehyun must have thought he’d fallen asleep, because he felt him move almost imperceptibly, picking up a book from the arm of the couch.

   One hand rested back on his crooked arm, and the other balanced the book carefully.

   The only sound in the room was the occasional shuffling of pages, the only movement his hands whenever he had to turn one.

   Doyoung had never been able to sleep anywhere other than _his bed_ , but he was fairly sure that if he tried hard enough, the feeling of pure contentment in this space would be enough to let him drift away right here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	5. Chapter 5

    Jaehyun became a part of Doyoung’s life so quickly that it was as though he’d always been there. Suddenly, Doyoung couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t started his days with a quick morning phone-call from his boyfriend. He couldn’t remember what it was like to long for romantic moments when now every other day Jaehyun was there to press kisses to his hands, run his fingers through his hair, whisper poetry into his ear. He couldn’t remember how it had felt to fear a future where he was alone, because now that was utterly unthinkable.

   _Soulmates_. He thought about the word, whenever he was lying awake at night. He knew that Yukhei and Ten would probably laugh at him if he said such a thing. But it was _true_. He felt like he’d known Jaehyun his whole life, as though there had been an intrinsic thread between them long before they’d met. Initially, he’d known so little about him, but everything he learned now made him fall further into the haze that had clouded his mind ever since he’d first laid eyes on him.

   ‘I have to go to a meeting tomorrow with Ten and Yukhei,’ said Doyoung, as they walked together through campus.

   It was very late at night, and very deep into the winter. Even now, Jaehyun still walked him home every night, usually saying goodnight under the streetlamp outside. They’d got close, sometimes, even dozing on the couch, but he _always_ went home. Weeks had stretched rapidly into _months_ – nearly _five_ months – together, but Doyoung had never stayed round at his place. He was beginning to grow anxious about it. His boyfriend was older, undoubtedly more experienced, and though Jaehyun had never once mentioned anything of the sort, Doyoung had started to worry about what he might _think_ about the fact that they’d never done more than… than kiss.

   They touched each other easily, in some ways. Even as they walked, Jaehyun held him very close, arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders. When Doyoung shivered, Jaehyun took his hand in front of them, rubbing his thumb over his skin to offer any extra friction, even lifting it to his lips and exhaling warm breath against his palm.

   Jaehyun could touch his hands, his face, hold him close as long as there were layers of clothes between them.

   But Doyoung wasn’t ready for him to… _touch_ him.

   He’d always had what he knew was an _unusual_ attitude to touch. When he was younger, he hadn’t liked anyone touching him _at all_. Just brushing his hand together with someone else was enough to make him flinch. The sensation that was so simple to process for other people just didn’t sit right in his brain. He’d become partially desensitised, the older he got (in part thanks to Yukhei who had no boundaries at all when it came to bear hugs) and he enjoyed the kisses, the hand-holding, but some of the old nerves still lingered.

   He liked the idea of Jaehyun touching him, of touching him where he’d never been touched before. But he knew himself and he knew he wasn’t ready and his Jaehyun, his darling Jae, knew him well enough that he never once asked, never pushed him, never suggested that they share anything other than gentle kisses.

   ‘Are you nervous?’ Jaehyun asked, with something edging towards a frown.

   Doyoung shrugged. ‘I’m not a people person. Usually Yukhei does all the charming, and Ten does all the negotiation, and I prefer to just be…’

   ‘On your computer?’

   ‘Mm. But they want to meet all three of us.’

   ‘You’ll be fine,’ said Jaehyun, turning to kiss his temple. ‘You just let the others do most of the talking if you’re not comfortable with it, and if they want to talk tech, you just… do your thing. You’re good at talking about tech.’

   Doyoung nodded, taking a steadying breath. He didn’t want the nerves to rise, not when he was so settled into the feeling of Jaehyun’s arm around him. ‘It’s a very important meeting. If it goes well, we might actually end up getting _paid_. A real paycheque for the three of us. Usually everything goes straight back into the company, but this contract would bring big profit. Big enough.’

   ‘My Doyoungie, taking over the world in his first year of college,’ Jaehyun smiled. ‘What would you do if you were _really_ rich? If all this blew up? What would you spend the money on?’

   Doyoung frowned. ‘There’s no “if” about it, Jae. This company _will_ be the biggest of its kind in the world.’

   ‘Has anyone ever told you that your ambition is _very_ attractive?’ he grinned.

   Doyoung pulled a bit of a face at that, but underneath, there was a smile. ‘I’m not sure,’ he mused, pondering on his earlier question. ‘I’m not all that interested in money. Enough to live would do me; enough to buy the technology I want would be good. Mostly, I just want a nice home, somewhere just out of the city, maybe with some land so that there’s plenty of space to breathe. Other than that, I don’t know.’

   ‘Sounds perfect,’ said Jaehyun.

   Doyoung didn’t need to mention the fact that Jaehyun would be there, in that home, because that understanding was unspoken between them these days.

   As they wandered their way to his dorm, he started to feel the creeping sadness that he still felt every night when he had to say goodbye. The nights seemed longer, these days, now that they were time-spent-without-Jaehyun.

   Perhaps Jaehyun felt it too, because he walked him all the way to his room this time, rather than saying goodnight under the favourite streetlamp. Outside the door, Jaehyun turned him in his arms and pulled him close to kiss him, warm even though their skin was cold. He grazed three soft kisses over his lips, then one to his cheek. ‘Goodnight, Doyoung.’

   ‘Goodnight, Jae,’ he whispered.

   ‘You call me if you’re nervous tomorrow, okay?’

   He nodded. He was just about to tilt his chin up for another kiss, when the unmistakeable sound of a door being wrenched open rang around the whole corridor.

   Doyoung pulled back, heart jumping, and turned to see Yukhei framed in the doorway of his and Ten’s room, looking _extremely_ smug. ‘Good evening.’

   Jaehyun let go of Doyoung, taking a steady step back.

   ‘My bad,’ said Yukhei, with a look of great satisfaction, eyes glancing from one to the other in rapid succession. ‘I didn’t realise Doyoung would have _company_.’

   Mortified, Doyoung lifted a hand to half cover his face as he looked down. ‘Oh _that’s_ convincing,’ he muttered.

   ‘You… er… gonna introduce us?’ Yukhei smirked, then he yelled over his shoulder: ‘Tennie! Doyoungie brought his boy home!’

   ‘Oh God,’ Doyoung groaned, kneading his forehead.

   He’d kept Jaehyun resolutely apart from his friends, no matter how much Yukhei tried to bully him into bringing him to meet them. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of Jaehyun, or that he was ashamed of Ten and Yukhei, it was just… he liked to keep the two worlds _separate_. Jaehyun was _his_ , and maybe, just maybe, there’d been an ounce of insecurity buried in his motives somewhere.

   Ten and Yukhei were both very attractive. They were more confident than him, Ten more mature and Yukhei more experienced.

   Maybe, just maybe, he was anxious that Jaehyun would think he’d picked the _wrong friend_ when he met them.

   ‘You must be Yukhei,’ said Jaehyun, apparently completely unfazed. Clearly, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. ‘And Ten?’

   Ten had popped up behind Yukhei, nudging him slightly to the side because there was no way he was going to be able to see over the top of him. Yukhei sidestepped dutifully, moving Ten in front of him and resting his arm down on his shoulder.

   ‘Yeah we know who _we_ are,’ he grinned. ‘We’re interested in the _you_ part.’

   ‘Jung Jaehyun,’ he answered confidently, inclining his head.

   ‘Lovely! We’ve been waiting ages to meet you. Why didn’t you bring Jaehyun home to meet your brothers earlier, Doyoungie?’ Yukhei blinked innocently.

   Doyoung, speechless, was searching around desperately for something sarcastic to say, but Jaehyun got there first.

   ‘Would you mind giving us a minute? I was… actually just saying goodnight, to my boyfriend.’

   At this, Ten and Yukhei exchanged such a smug look that Doyoung made a mental note to think of some way to get back at them, later.

   ‘Yeah, I reckon we can manage that,’ Yukhei said slyly.

   ‘Have fun,’ said Ten, and then he shut the door with a snap.

   ‘Those are your friends, then?’ Jaehyun laughed.

   His laugh. What a laugh. Doyoung was absolutely sure that he could listen to it all day.

   ‘You know they’ll be standing right behind that door listening, right?’ Doyoung muttered. The furiously dark look that he gave the door was perhaps somewhat unfair – the wood itself had done nothing wrong, after all.

   ‘Well, we don’t need to talk,’ Jaehyun smiled. He took Doyoung’s hand, then unclipped the pen from his pocket that he carried around everywhere. He unfurled Doyoung’s fingers gently, and then pressed the point of the pen to his palm, making him jump at the tickling sensation. ‘For tomorrow’s meeting,’ he sighed, lifting his hand to his lips and kissing his fingertips.

   When he let go, Doyoung looked down at his hand.

   _You’ll be fine._

He exhaled a laugh at the reminder. ‘Is this my note for the day?’

   ‘Close enough.’

   ‘Thanks, Jae.’

   ‘Here to help any way I can,’ he winked. ‘Now you’d better not keep your friends waiting any longer – I’m sure they have a _lot_ to say.’

   ‘ _Friends_ is one word for them,’ Doyoung said darkly.

*

   Yukhei only gave up on teasing Doyoung when they were sat _literally_ in the lobby of the offices at which they’d be pitching their new power supply unit for the first time, the following morning. Ten had let him off lightly, so stressed as he was about the meeting, and had eventually just conceded that Jaehyun was more handsome than he’d been expecting.

   Ten, now, was concentrating so hard on a small speck on the white walls that Doyoung thought an earthquake might not have disturbed him. His knee was jogging up and down slightly. Yukhei, on the other hand, was breezy as ever, talking animatedly about anything that came to mind, but Doyoung could hear the nerves in his voice.

   Doyoung himself was chewing his lips, then his nails, anything that he could get a grip on. Every time that he thought he was going to faint from the strain, he forced himself to look at his palm. Jaehyun’s message remained, slightly faded from his shower in the morning and the times that he’d washed his hands, but still legible thanks to the indelible ink.

   _You’ll be fine_.

   The words settled him, grounded him, like Jaehyun was right there at his side speaking them into his ear.

   ‘Gentlemen?’

   They looked up in unison, furiously in tune after so many years of friendship.

   ‘Mr Kang will see you now.’

*

   It was a while before Doyoung was able to celebrate with his boyfriend.

   He called him, almost immediately after he’d signed his signature on that piece of paper, and told him everything. But he didn’t get to see him that day, that night, caught up in a flurry of thrill with his friends.

   For the first time in months, he went for hours thinking about nothing but his two closest friends in the world.

   Yukhei hauled them to a bar, down the street from the office block where they’d just signed the first major deal of their careers, and plied them with so much alcohol that even Ten started to slur his words.

   For Doyoung, it was one drink more than he’d usually have, then two, then three –

   But it was perfect.

   They talked, a little too loudly, about the day they’d given Neo Culture Technology its name. They talked about the day that he and Yukhei had met Ten, selling cheap import headphones out of his school back-pack in a stationery cupboard. They talked about every little detail that had led them to this day, this _chance_ at something.

   It wasn’t until the hours extended into the evening, dark falling early in the winter, that Doyoung noticed the black stain on his glass. He frowned, lifting his hand away curiously. It took a moment for his brain to catch up to its usual speed, and then he realised that the ink from his hand had bled into the condensation on the side of his cold glass.

   _Ink_.

   Jaehyun.

   Suddenly, abruptly, he needed to hear his voice.

   He stood up, wobbling his way outside as Ten and Yukhei continued to reminisce loudly, and he fumbled Jaehyun’s number into his phone.

   ‘ _Alright, darling?’_

‘We did it, Jae,’ he exhaled, flopping against the brick wall outside the bar. ‘We really did it.’

   ‘ _So I heard. It’s amazing – you’re amazing. You guys out drinking?’_

‘Well we’re _out_. Xuxi got me doing shots, and I - ’ somewhere in the middle of the sentence, he forgot where it was going.

   He heard his favourite laugh in the world down the line. ‘ _Are you drunk dialling me, Doyoungie?’_

 _Huh?_ How had he known? ‘Not drunk-dialling! Mildly inebriated dialling.’

   ‘ _Only you could find the word “inebriated” while drunk.’_

‘Miss you.’

   ‘ _I’ll bring you by some haejangguk tomorrow. Hangover soup. Make sure you drink some water before you go to bed. Oh, and Doyoung?’_

‘Mm?’

   ‘ _You sound cute when you’re drunk.’_

*

   Something seemed to _change_ , the day that they signed that contract. It was like Doyoung… _grew_. He had his first apocalyptic hangover, though any complaints of his were drowned out by Yukhei wailing about how he was never drinking again and Ten whining at him to shut the fuck up for the entire following day. He had his first proper paycheque, with which he had no idea what to do – Yukhei spent his on a very large collectible model airplane, while Ten sent his home to his parents.

   But more than all of that, _he_ felt different. He walked with his head definitely higher, shoulders squarer, voice louder. He felt an _ownership_ over his identity – no one could look at him like a kid with a dream anymore. He was an _adult_ , someone who was making things happen for himself.

   Perhaps that was why, a couple of weeks later, he dared to do something he’d never done before.

   He was at Jaehyun’s place, a small corner of the world that was quickly becoming his second home, sharing their usual moment of sweetness, when things took… a turn.

   They were kissing, the usual sort of kissing that they did these days, when Doyoung started to take some _initiative_. He parted his lips, loading breath between them, and Jaehyun pressed a little closer, reading his body like the well-thumbed pages of his novels. Jaehyun stroked his tongue over Doyoung’s lips, then teased for entry, fingers lacing into his dark hair.

   Doyoung trailed his fingers to Jaehyun’s shirt, notably shaky, and started to loosen one of the buttons.

   At this, Jaehyun broke away, breathing heavier than usual. ‘Hey,’ he caught his hand, ‘what are you doing?’

   ‘I – I want to be with you,’ he swallowed.

   ‘You are with me.’

   ‘More. I want more.’

   Jaehyun held his gaze for a very long time, perhaps trying to figure out exactly where this was coming from. Then, slowly, he said, ‘ok _ay_. But we’ll… we take it very _slow,_ alright?’

   Doyoung nodded, his heart absolutely pounding against his chest. He let his hands drop back to Jaehyun’s chest, smoothing out the material as he tried to level his breathing. He didn’t want to seem too scared – he didn’t want Jaehyun to think he couldn’t handle this kind of thing.

   After a moment, Jaehyun slid his fingers slowly, carefully, past his waist and pushed his shirt up a little, very gently, with the utmost care. He rested his hands against his skin, at the pointed juncture of his hips, then allowed them to follow the line of his waist, as his lips found Doyoung’s once again.

   Doyoung concentrated on the sensations that he was familiar with, rather than the ones he wasn’t. He sat back, almost _laid_ back, as Jaehyun trailed a kiss away from his lips and down to the line of his jaw. He let his head roll back, swallowing hard again, and closed his eyes as Jaehyun’s lips brushed down over his neck, all the way to the hollow of his throat.

   It felt good. This part felt good. Warmth seemed to radiate from the sites of Jaehyun’s kisses – _calm_.

   Then, Jaehyun used his grip on his waist to adjust his position slightly, barely even noticeable, and reality crashed back into Doyoung’s brain like a derailing train. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like being moved. He didn’t like not being in control.

   ‘Too fast!’ he gasped, pulling back, right away from him. The words came out before he’d even processed them properly.

   Jaehyun jumped away himself so fast that he might have been struck by electricity. ‘I’m sorry! What did I do? Are you okay?’

   Doyoung looked at him, but then he had to look down, feeling his face turn furiously red. ‘I – I’m sorry. I was… I was wrong. I thought I wanted more but it’s too much.’ He was gasping, caught up in something close to panic blended with horrible embarrassment.

   ‘Hey, hey, it’s alright,’ Jaehyun made to take his hands, but then he seemed to think better of it. ‘Hey, Doyoung, calm down. It’s fine.’

   ‘No it’s not. It’s not fine. We’ve been together five months. We should be – _I_ should be – anyone else would be - ’

   ‘There’s no _should_ about,’ Jaehyun interrupted, voice hard. ‘Doyoung, I don’t care about what anyone else is doing, about too-fast or too-slow. We do what _we_ do. We do what you’re ready for, when you’re ready for it.’

   Doyoung wanted to calm his heartrate, but he couldn’t seem to get a grip on it.

   ‘Talk to me,’ Jaehyun said earnestly, ‘tell me what’s going on in your head.’

   ‘I want - ’ Doyoung swallowed. He was starting to get the thoughts that had flitted around his head the last few weeks under control. ‘I want to have that _intimacy_ , Jae, I want to have that physical connection with you. But I’m scared of it. I’d never even held hands with someone before you and I’m still learning how to be touched and I don’t know how I’m ever going to get from that to – to _that_. It’s too big of a jump and if I can’t make it then you’re going to leave me and - ’

   ‘Whoa!’ Jaehyun physically held up his hands to stop him. ‘Doyoung, is that what you think? I’m not going _anywhere_. I don’t care about any of that.’

   ‘You don’t?’ he dared to voice.

   Jaehyun shook his head. ‘I fell for you as _you_ , Doyoung. You don’t need to fulfil anything that you think you _should_ be, you’re already perfect.’

   Slowly, as Jaehyun held his gaze with deep, open, affectionate eyes, he exhaled half of the anxiety he’d held pent up for weeks. Afterwards, his lungs seemed lighter.

   ‘If you want us to be… intimate, you know that we don’t have to make that big jump in one go, right?’ Jaehyun said gently. ‘It’s not just hand-holding and then sex. There are all sorts of things we can do, ways to build up that type of connection, _gradual_ steps so that we can -  so that you can - ’ he paused.

   ‘Learn?’ Doyoung said in a small voice. When Jaehyun didn’t answer immediately, he elaborated on his fears. ‘Jae, other people don’t take months just to let their boyfriend touch their bare skin, just to be able to part their lips when they’re kissing, to - ’

   ‘You’re not _other_ _people_.’

   ‘But - ’

   ‘And I don’t want _other people_. I want you. Just how you are. Okay?’

   ‘Okay,’ he whispered.

   Jaehyun looked down, with an air that he was slightly out of breath thanks to the sudden turn in intensity. He redid the couple of buttons that had come loose on his shirt.

   ‘What other things?’ Doyoung asked.

   Jaehyun’s eyes flickered back up to his in a question.

   ‘You said we could do other things.’

   ‘Oh,’ he nodded slowly. ‘I mean we could… we could work on the kissing, first.’ A half smile. ‘Maybe move that around, a little. Experiment. I could give you a massage, work out all that _stress_ in your head from all those millions of thoughts you have bouncing around. We could sleep together – _just_ sleeping!’ he added quickly. ‘Little things. Physical things. Start building up that intimacy that you want.’

   Doyoung had never really thought about any of that. This was the one area that he wasn’t an expert in, and the one thing that he wasn’t sure he could find in the index of a book.  

   ‘And then, if you’re ready, we can try the other stuff. And if you’re not, then we never have to.’

   ‘Really?’ he asked softly.

   ‘Really.’

   At last, Doyoung settled. ‘Sleep together? _Just_ sleeping?’

   A proper smile flickered onto Jaehyun’s face. ‘If you want. It could be a good way to get used to sharing that kind of space, that kind of closeness.’

   ‘I want to do that,’ Doyoung nodded.

   ‘Then let’s do that,’ Jaehyun said in a reassuring voice.

   ‘Can I use your phone? I didn’t bring my cell and I should… I should let Ten know if I’m not coming home.’

   ‘On the side,’ Jaehyun nodded towards the desk. ‘I’ll get you something to wear.’

   Doyoung stood up, feeling slightly wobbly. He’d thought that he’d stopped progress right in the face when he’d twisted away, but _this_ was progress. At his sort of pace.

   By the time that he was ready to sleep, his nerves had settled into a sort of calm. In fact, he was _excited_.

   ‘C’mere, then,’ Jaehyun said, with a gentle incline of his head.

   Doyoung climbed into the bed after him, swathed in clothes that were definitely too big for him, and nestled his way under the blankets piled up for winter, until he was right at Jaehyun’s side. He’d never slept in someone else’s bed before. The mattress was softer than he’d have had it – from home to dorm to dorm, he’d always had something harder. The pillows were squashier, too.

   But he understood, as he flitted through each sensation, why his boyfriend had suggested this. Without a single touch, he felt more intimately surrounded by Jaehyun than he ever had before.

   ‘This okay?’ Jaehyun asked, as he put an arm around his shoulders.

   Doyoung nodded, curling into his side. He rested his head down right above Jaehyun’s heart.

   ‘And this?’ he checked, as he let his other hand fall to Doyoung’s waist, very securely over his shirt, holding him close.

   ‘Yes.’

   Jaehyun smiled. ‘Good.’ He pressed a kiss to his hair.

   And so still, with an air of progress, that night Doyoung did something he’d never done before.

   He stayed over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	6. Chapter 6

   By the time that Doyoung’s first year of college was reaching its most intense stages, he was waging a war on three fronts, and he’d started to develop a constant ache behind his eyes.

   Perhaps _war_ was the wrong way to think about it. For the most part, he liked it. He liked the college part, even though sometimes he found the work a little uninspiring, and frustrating in its volume – he could complete his assignments without any _intellectual_ difficulty, but they took _time_ , which was the one thing he didn’t have much of. He liked the business part, the part where their most recent creation was on a constant conveyer belt of construction because orders were off the charts, and the part where, for the first time, _people_ were talking about them: important people.

   Most of all, though, he liked the third front. He loved the third front. He _loved_ every hour that he spent with his boyfriend, even if it wasn’t really time that he had to spare.

   So between the three things, he had no moment to breathe, he had the constant mild headache from tiredness, and he had a share of stress fairer than most. But he was happier than he had been with his life probably _ever_.

   ‘I have to go to class,’ said Doyoung, but he made no effort to twist away from the kisses that Jaehyun was pressing to his neck.

   ‘You go to class _early_ ,’ Jaehyun exhaled over his skin, ‘too early.’

   He grazed his fingertips down over Doyoung’s arm. These were the places that, after weeks of what Doyoung still called _learning_ , Jaehyun was allowed to touch. Anywhere that wasn’t covered by the t-shirt that he slept in – that had become the rule, recently, one that he was increasingly settled with. And Jaehyun was inventive, exploratory enough to make it special even in its simplicity.

   ‘Didn’t you ever have early classes?’ Doyoung asked. He couldn’t see him, turned away as Jaehyun made work of the nape of his neck, the knots of the top of his spine, his arm down to the fragile skin of his wrist. Soft kisses.

   Jaehyun paused in contemplation. ‘Occasionally. But I didn’t go to many of them.’

   ‘You skipped class?’ Doyoung finally turned in his arms with a look of great disapproval.

   Jaehyun shrugged. ‘I found that I learned more from books than from the lecture hall. Don’t worry, I still graduated top of my year. And the university offered me funding to stay on, so I wouldn’t say that they weren’t too bothered.’

   ‘I can’t believe I’m dating a guy who used to skip class,’ said Doyoung, finally detaching himself from his arms and getting up. ‘I don’t know what happened to my principles.’

   Jaehyun watched him potter around the small space. ‘Bet you’ve never missed a class in your life.’

   ‘No I haven’t,’ he answered, moving some of Jaehyun’s papers around on the desk in a search for the workbook he’d left out the previous night.

   ‘I think it’s over there,’ Jaehyun nodded towards the couch.

   ‘No it isn’t. I left it here.’ A moment later, he retrieved the book from under one of Jaehyun’s, and walked over to the door to slide it into his bag.

   ‘I should know by now not to question your memory,’ Jaehyun shook his head.

   ‘Yes, you should.’

   ‘Library tonight?’

   ‘Of course.’

   ‘I’ve got the night shift,’ Jaehyun sighed, stretching out and pulling his sheets up around him. ‘I’m gonna get some extra sleep in advance.’ Then, he propped himself up on his elbows. ‘Does that work?’

   Doyoung smiled. ‘Somewhat. A lot of resources claim that you can’t bank sleep, but it’s not strictly true. There’s a pretty noted study from Wright State University that found that alertness _was_ improved throughout the night after a sleep during the day, compared to a control group. However, the effects only last for one sleepless night, so I wouldn’t make a long-term solution of it.’

   ‘ _Fuck_ I love having a boyfriend who knows everything.’

   ‘Especially if it gives you an excuse to stay in bed.’

   ‘ _Especially_.’

*

   Doyoung crossed campus rapidly, one afternoon, after a very long session at the computer lab. The worst of his exams were over, but he was trying to wrap up some designs for the company before the summer break started, because Yukhei would be _summoned_ to Hong Kong by his parents, and even Ten was taking a couple of weeks home in Thailand, so he wanted to get everything up to date by then.

   He’d said to Jaehyun that it was fine to meet him at his dorm once he was done, ready to go out together later, but he was running a little late. Running late wasn’t usually his style, but he’d got carried away with a tangential idea that had occupied most of his time there.

   ‘Sorry, sorry,’ he said as he let himself into his room. ‘I got held up.’

   Jaehyun was sat on his bed, _reading_. One glance at the cover told Doyoung that it was a book that Doyoung _himself_ had bought him earlier in the year, for his birthday. ‘It’s cool,’ he smiled, ‘Ten let me in.’

   ‘Oh good,’ Doyoung said automatically, placing his bag in its rightful place underneath his desk and then walking over to the bed. ‘Where is he?’

   ‘He went to hang out with Yukhei.’

   Doyoung looked down at Jaehyun, who put his hands straight out onto his hips, pulling him a little closer. There was something unreadable hovering around his expression, and it made Doyoung frown. ‘Is everything okay?’ he asked anxiously.

   Jaehyun held his gaze, looking up at him, and opened his mouth to speak. Then he closed it again. Then he restarted, with a small smile. ‘Doyoung, have you ever noticed that Ten can be a bit…’

   Doyoung raised his eyebrows in surprise. He hadn’t expected the issue to be _Ten._

   ‘You know, scary?’

   His brows lifted further. ‘I suppose so. People have certainly said that. I _would_ say he’s all bark and no bite, but to be honest, he’s both. Don’t worry, though, he doesn’t bite family. In fact, he’s an excellent person to have on side. He’s ferociously protective.’

   ‘I’m getting that.’

   At this, finally, Doyoung narrowed his eyes. ‘Did he say something to you?’

   ‘Just er...’ he trailed off, then gave him a wink. ‘I think I just got _the talk_.’

   ‘What did he _say_?’ Doyoung said again, voice steely. There was humour in Jaehyun’s tone, but he didn’t find this funny. ‘Jae, tell me. Please.’

   ‘He… er… he just made it clear what would happen to me if I pushed you into something you didn’t want to do… if I ever hurt you. At first I was like… nah, some random twenty-year-old couldn’t tear my life into shreds, but he had this fucking look in his eyes and suddenly I was like _wait_ this guy totally _could_ ruin my life and - ’

   ‘I’m going to kill him.’ Doyoung turned on his heel abruptly. ‘I’m going to _kill_ him.’

   ‘Hey, Doyoungie,’ Jaehyun laughed gently, keeping his grip on his hips to hold him back. ‘It’s fine. It’s not a big deal. In fact, I’m glad you have someone fierce looking out for you. It’s good. And I’ve got nothing to worry about, because I’d never do any of those things. But he _is_ pretty scary,’ he laughed again, as though that would defuse Doyoung’s simmering anger.

   It didn’t work.

   ‘It doesn’t matter,’ Doyoung said shakily. ‘I can’t _believe_ he said that to you!’

   ‘Doyoung - ’

   He pulled himself free, practically vibrating. He didn’t get angry very often. He got _upset_ more than angry. But when it came to Jaehyun? That ignited a rare fire in him. Jaehyun was the one thing in the world that he _could not lose_. He needed him. And anyone who jeopardised that…

   ‘Will you just give me five minutes, please? I’ll be back.’

   Doyoung stalked his way down the dorm corridor, ignoring Jaehyun’s placative requests.

   He threw open Yukhei’s door.

   Ten was doing something on Yukhei’s computer, while Yukhei himself was sprawled across his bed sharing a set of earphones with his roommate, Seunghyun. They all looked up at him when he walked in.

   ‘You had _no_ right!’ Doyoung snapped at Ten, without pause. He walked right over to the laptop, slamming it shut so quickly that his friend barely had a second to get his fingers out of the way.

   Ten looked up at him with a look of mild surprise, but Doyoung knew full well that he architected every expression that he ever pulled with careful intent.

   ‘You had _no_ right to interfere like that!’

   ‘I don’t know - ’

   ‘That shit you said to Jae. How _could_ you, Ten? You _know_ how much he means to me!’

   ‘I was just looking out for you,’ Ten said calmly.

   ‘No, _no_. You don’t get to _look-out-for-me_ , Ten. You’re not my father.’

   ‘I’m just gonna…’ Seunghyun had stood up, sidling awkwardly past them to get out of the room, probably nervous about a potential explosion.

   Ten sighed. ‘Doyoung, calm down. I just told him that if he’s going to be a permanent fixture in your life, which it seems like he will be, then he’d better be good to you – treat you right. That’s all.’

   ‘Really? That’s _all_ , is it? Would you do the same thing if Yukhei was dating someone? Of course you wouldn’t. You did it because you think I’m a naïve kid who can’t look after himself and - ’

   ‘I don’t think that.’

   Doyoung was running out of words. He wasn’t very good at being angry.

   ‘And yes. Of _course_ I’d do the same thing if Yukhei was dating someone. Fuck, I’d be worse, because he’d probably make a far less… _sensible_ choice of partner, than you. Jaehyun’s great. I was just checking.’

   ‘Hey!’ Yukhei jumped up from his bed, looked slightly offended.

   ‘You…’ Doyoung’s hands were shaking. He knew that maybe he was overreacting. He knew that Ten and Yukhei were no different to overprotective older brothers, that the conversation Ten had thrown at Jaehyun wasn’t unique, but his anxieties had shot through the roof. ‘If you’ve scared him off Ten, I -’

   ‘What are you talking about, Doyoungie?’ Ten said softly, interrupting his diatribe.

   ‘I need him, Ten, he’s everything to me. If he leaves me because of this I - ’

   ‘You need to stop worrying so much,’ said Ten, brow furrowing. ‘Jaehyun is head over heels for you, trust me. He’s not going anywhere, which is exactly why I wanted to have a quick word with him. You guys are… _locking in_ , for the long run, right now. Why are you still so scared of him _leaving_ all the time?’

   ‘Because - because I’m in love with him, Ten. I’ve never loved anyone like this!’

   A silence, then -

   ‘Wow,’ Yukhei exhaled.

   Doyoung looked down, aware that his cheeks were turning red. ‘I… I love him.’

   ‘Right,’ Ten nodded.

   ‘And I need my brothers to love him too,’ said Doyoung, heart still racing. ‘You two – your opinions mean more to me than anyone’s, and if you don’t like him I don’t know what to do.’

   ‘I like him!’ Yukhei interjected loudly, but Doyoung was still looking at Ten.

   Ten took a deep breath. ‘I like him too. I promise. I was just… being _me_. You know what I’m like. You know I have to…’

   ‘… take care of things,’ Doyoung and Yukhei said in unison, the latter rolling his eyes. The three of them knew each other better than they knew themselves, and they were both well aware of Ten’s need to look after people, to the point of _over_ -protectiveness.

   ‘I’m sorry. I overstepped. Big time. I just… you’re my brother, Doyoung, and - ’ Ten looked slightly deflated. ‘I’m sorry.’

   Doyoung shook his head. ‘It’s fine. I’m – _I’m_ sorry. I freaked out. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. Thank you… for looking out for me.’

   ‘And _relax_ ,’ Yukhei exhaled with a grin. ‘Everyone’s friends again.’

   ‘Did I scare him?’ Ten asked, with a small, half-hearted smile.

   Doyoung bit his lip. ‘Maybe a little.’

   ‘At least we know you can still strike the fear of God into people,’ Yukhei clapped a hand down on Ten’s shoulder. ‘I reckon that might come in handy one day.’

   ‘So, our Doyoungie in love…’ Ten glanced at Yukhei. ‘Who would have thought it?’

   ‘You gotta tell him, Doyoung!’ Yukhei said excitedly. ‘Today!’

   ‘I’m not telling him _anything_ ,’ he replied. ‘Not until he – until he says it first.’

   He didn’t say out loud that it was because he was scared of chasing him off. He knew that Yukhei and Ten would roll their eyes at that too.

   ‘But - ’ Yukhei started.

   ‘I should get back to him,’ Doyoung said quickly. ‘I… left him, to come and shout at Ten.’

   ‘Tell him!’ Yukhei called after him, when he turned to go.

   Doyoung sighed at the persistence. But he was smiling slightly.

   His boyfriend had waited for him, leant against the doorframe of his dorm room, with an anxious expression on his face.

   ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, walking straight up and letting Jaehyun kiss him in reunion. ‘I just needed to strangle Ten.’

   ‘Dinner now?’ Jaehyun smiled.

   ‘Yes. Yes, dinner.’

*

   Doyoung didn’t tell him.

   He didn’t tell him he _loved him_.

   He didn’t tell him any time over the next three weeks, just waiting, and waiting, and waiting, until the last semester of his first year of college was at its end, and he was still… waiting.

   For Jaehyun to say it.

   ‘You did all this?’ Doyoung whispered, as Jaehyun lifted his hands from in front of his eyes.

   He surveyed the scene before him in astonishment.

   Jaehyun had invited him to the Han River, in a small green, dimly lit by the setting sun. He’d met him just off the path, and made him swear not to look. The summer night was warm, slightly breezy, and comfortable enough that Doyoung was content to walk around in a t-shirt, even though he usually dispensed of his outer layers only when he was in his room, or in Jaehyun’s. But these days, he felt less _exposed_ , out in public. Having Jaehyun beside him was like his outer layer instead.

   ‘We haven’t had many dates, recently,’ Jaehyun smiled. He kissed his cheek, and ran his fingers into his hair. Doyoung inclined his head to the touch, so used to it now. ‘You’ve been so busy with exams and the company and I had thesis deadlines and I missed you a lot. So here’s a proper date.’

   ‘Thank you, Jae,’ Doyoung dropped down onto the blanket laid on the grass, and picking at the basket he’d put out.

   Dinner.

   ‘Can I?’

   ‘Sure,’ Jaehyun smiled, sitting down beside him and helping him lift out the hot parcels, and the bottle of red wine. ‘Do you want a glass? I brought soda too, if you’d prefer that.’

   ‘Wine is fine,’ Doyoung said lightly. He still wasn’t a _drinker,_ but he’d gained something of a partiality to wine, over the last few weeks. He found it mildly more _delicate_ than other drinks; artful. Jaehyun, it transpired, was one of those people who had very strong opinions about almost all alcohol. He was strict about the whiskeys that he ordered at bars, and even pickier about wine. He knew where in Seoul to buy specially imported drinks that weren’t available anywhere else.

   ‘I like it here,’ said Jaehyun, resting back on his elbows. ‘I used to study around here a lot when I was an undergrad. It’s very romantic.’

   ‘Anywhere we go is romantic,’ Doyoung smiled. ‘Because you’re there.’

   ‘Are you _flirting_ with me, Kim Dongyoung?’

   ‘Maybe. Just a bit.’

   ‘Are you looking forward to summer?’

   Doyoung shook his head, and took a sip of wine to occupy himself. ‘No. Not at all.’

   Jaehyun frowned. ‘Why not? You haven’t said anything about it?’

   He took a moment, swallowing down the nerves that crept to his chest. ‘I don’t… I don’t like being apart from everyone.’

   ‘Hey,’ Jaehyun took his hand and stroked his thumb gently over his knuckles. ‘I’m going to be right here, same as always. And you’ll be here in Seoul, just a few more streets away. We’ll see each other just as much as usual.’

   ‘I’ll be worried about Yukhei,’ he said quietly. ‘When we’re apart, I worry all the time. I’ll be worried about Ten. And I’ll miss them. It’s just… I’m so used to us being together – when we’re not, it’s like a chunk of my heart got taken with them and I can feel it all the time, trying to get back home.’

   Jaehyun met his eyes, forehead creased in sympathy. ‘Well we’ll make summer go really fast, okay? We’ll do something _every_ day to occupy your mind.’

   ‘Thank you,’ Doyoung gave a small laugh, trying not to think too hard about summer.

   He balanced his glass down on the grass, and shifted so that he could settle against Jaehyun’s side.

   Evening was fading to night, and Jaehyun seemed to have found the quietest spot in Seoul. Anyone who did walk past glanced their way, but Jaehyun did a good job of shielding Doyoung from prying eyes, framing his body around him and keeping an arm over his shoulders.

   ‘If you were going to keep a record, what would be the best day of this college year?’ Jaehyun asked.

‘First day, at the library. Or the day that we signed our first contract for the company. Or that day in spring break when you took me to Nami Island.’

   ‘Oh that _was_ a good one,’ Jaehyun nodded.

   ‘Most days have been good,’ Doyoung murmured, tucking his head up under Jaehyun’s chin and closing his eyes. He’d live in this moment forever, if he could.

   He opened his eyes only when he felt a gentle tapping at his arm.

   Jaehyun was holding out an envelope, small and red and with his name marked in gold. ‘Mail’s here.’

   ‘I always know it’s going to be good when there’s an envelope,’ Doyoung smiled. He unfolded the paper inside, turning it over.

   It was, Doyoung suspected by the texture, a carefully removed endpaper. The pattern was marbled and elegant, and in the middle, Jaehyun had written it loud and clear.

   _I love you._

There Doyoung had been, waiting for him to say it, when he should have known that he _wouldn’t_ … ‘say it’. That was hardly their style.

   Printed on the page of a book?

   That meant it was real.

   He turned to look at his boyfriend, lips parted, and Jaehyun leant in to rest their foreheads together.

   ‘I love you,’ Jaehyun said aloud this time. ‘I _love_ you, Doyoung.’

   ‘I love you too,’ he whispered without a moment of hesitation, and then Jaehyun kissed him. He took his hands, interlinking their fingers, and pulled them close to his chest. Doyoung extricated one, only because he couldn’t bear to crease the paper, but he pressed it flat to Jaehyun’s thigh instead so that he could lift himself to bring their bodies closer together in the seating position.

   Their mouths moulded together easily, two puzzle pieces designed for each other. Doyoung knew that he wouldn’t fit like this against anyone else in the world. Jaehyun was his other half.

   ‘Are you crying?’ Jaehyun exhaled when they pulled apart, with a soft laugh.

   ‘No.’

   ‘Yes you are.’

   Doyoung tucked his face into his neck. ‘I’m just very happy.’

   They stayed in that position for quite some time, Jaehyun eventually settling a hand at the small of his back, edging slightly under his shirt, and rubbing up and down gently. Doyoung didn’t stop him. It felt nice. He was getting so used to the feel of his hands now, and he was becoming comfortable with the steady steps of initiative that Jaehyun took. He always seemed to know just what to do.

   ‘You know,’ he murmured after a while, with a kiss interposing his words, ‘I haven’t asked you yet.’

   ‘What haven’t you asked?’ Doyoung looked up.

   ‘I’m sure you’ve been dying to tell me.’

   ‘Oh, _that_ ,’ Doyoung felt his face break into a smile.

   ‘So, Han River facts?’

   Doyoung met his eyes, but everything felt a little muddled in his mind. Jaehyun loved him. That was what mattered in the moment. Everything else in his brain seemed to have been replaced by that knowledge. After a pause, still holding his gaze, he managed one thing. ‘Twenty-seven. Twenty-seven bridges.’

   ‘Twenty-seven bridges?’

   He nodded.

   ‘Perfect.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	7. Chapter 7

   **September, 2006.**

   Summer with Jaehyun in his life had been different to any that Doyoung had experienced before. Usually, he spent his summers locked away in his room, eyes glued to his computer screen, or nose buried in books, and only emerged to visit either the kitchen or the bathroom.

   This year, though, he’d spent vast swathes of the summer outside. With campus empty except for a few research students, he spent his time round at Jaehyun’s, or out relaxing on any patch of grass they could find, or reading on the quad. One day, Jaehyun even coaxed him into cycling around the city. And when Jaehyun was round _his_ house, they sat in the tiny courtyard garden with sweet drinks, talking about _everything_.

   Doyoung’s parents loved Jaehyun. _Loved_ him.

   He knew a lot about sport, and not in the memorising-statistics way that Doyoung did. He knew trends and gave opinions and had an intuitive grasp on any game they put on the television. Doyoung’s father, a mid-tier baseball coach, seemed to find all this something of a revelation. 

   But more importantly, Jaehyun knew so much about _Doyoung_ , which _both_ of his parents found in equal parts a relief and a… curiosity.

   Doyoung knew that there were parts of himself that his parents had never quite figured out how to relate to, but Jaehyun just… got it. Got him. There wasn’t anything that served as a stumbling block for him – he took every idiosyncrasy in his stride, he didn’t bat an eyelid over anything that Doyoung said or did.

   Doyoung noticed his mother watching them, sometimes, when they were together on the couch or in the garden. He knew that she saw the way that he was so precise with his touches, even _patient_ when they were settling into something. He knew that she was curious but happy with how easily he seemed to understand him. He also knew that she was surprised; that she, like Yukhei and Ten, had not been expecting him to find a boyfriend any time in the foreseeable future.

   At home, just like with his friends, Doyoung had rarely made any indication of an interest in dating anyone.

   ‘What’s this?’ Jaehyun asked, one day in the very-late-summer, or really the start of fall, a week before Doyoung was due to begin back at college. They were in Doyoung’s bedroom, permissible so long as they kept the door open (a rule that Jaehyun found pleasantly amusing).

   ‘Oh, nothing,’ Doyoung said quickly, edging between him and the desk so that he could close up the half-folded letter.

   ‘It looked official.’

   ‘It’s - ’ Doyoung looked back at the thick cream paper, with its expensive grain and embossed header. Then he looked at his boyfriend, with whom he shared almost everything these days. ‘It’s a letter from MIT.’

   ‘MIT as in… the college?’

   ‘That’s the one,’ he passed him the letter, tidying up the pens on his desk a little for something to do because as airy as he kept his voice, this was something that had been bothering him. ‘They’re trying to poach me again.’

   ‘ _Again_?’

   ‘This is my third letter from them. And they’re not the only ones.’

   Jaehyun’s eyes flitted down over the text at remarkable speed. ‘They must really want you, babe…’

   ‘The first one came in English, but they’ve switched to Korean now. I suppose they’re upping their game.’

   ‘Holy _shit_ , Doyoung!’ Jaehyun said loudly as he reached the third or so paragraph.

   ‘Shh!’ Doyoung hushed him quickly.

   ‘Have you read what they’re offering you? _Christ_!’

   This time, Doyoung actually pressed a finger to his lips, which was a distraction enough for Jaehyun to look up with a smile curling under his finger. ‘Please be quiet. My parents… if they hear, they’ll try to make me go.’

   ‘You haven’t told them about this?’

   He shook his head, glancing at the door. Then, hoping he could get away with it for a moment, he crossed the room and closed it as soundlessly as he could. ‘They know I get letters from them, but I haven’t mentioned the – well the - ’

   ‘The _money_. Fuck, Doyoung, they’re offering you a _massive_ grant,’ he breathed, quietly this time. ‘Do you have any idea what you could do with this sort of money if you went into research? And it’s not just the grant, it’s… it’s a full ride, it’s free flights in and out of the US whenever you want them, it’s -’

   ‘Caltech offered better.’

   Jaehyun stared at him. ‘Doyoung, this is insane.’

   Doyoung shrugged, taking back the letter. He gave it one more glance before opening his desk drawer and throwing it down onto the existing pile of letters, all printed on expensive paper, all promising him the world in exchange for his brain. ‘I don’t want any of it. I wish they’d just leave me alone.’

   ‘You’ve got the top colleges in the world begging at your feet for you to come and study with them,’ Jaehyun laughed. ‘How can you want them to leave you _alone_?’

   ‘Because I don’t want to go. I have no interest in going. And I don’t like being _harassed_ by them when I’ve already told them _no_ ,’ he said dryly.

   ‘Why don’t you want to go?’ Jaehyun whispered. ‘Doyoung, our university is great. I love it. But these? These are the top colleges in the _world_. If you studied at one of these, you wouldn’t have to correct your professors all the time. You wouldn’t have to create work for yourself just to find something worth learning. These places are… at your _level_. You’d actually learn something and - ’

   ‘I don’t want to _go_ , Jae,’ he said, a little louder this time.

   ‘But - ’

   ‘I’m not interested. Please don’t bully me about it. I get enough of that from _them_ ,’ he said sharply, with a glance at the pile of letters.

   Jaehyun stared at him. ‘Doyoungie… love, I wasn’t trying to bully you. I’m sorry if it sounded like that, I didn’t mean it to, I swear.’

   ‘I just wish they’d leave me alone,’ Doyoung whispered, hanging his head forwards and resting his forehead down against Jaehyun’s shoulder. ‘I hate it.’

   ‘It’s because of the company, right? You’d never leave Ten and Yukhei?’

   ‘Never,’ Doyoung sighed into his shirt. ‘NCT is everything to me. It’s my life. We’re just getting properly off the ground and no bribery from the other side of the Pacific is going to make me throw all that away. I just want them to leave me alone.’

   It was the third time he’d said it.

   ‘They probably saw your test results this year,’ said Jaehyun.

   ‘Yes, yes I think they probably did.’

   Doyoung’s percentage score for his first year had been the talk of… well… everyone, everywhere, since results had come out.

   ‘Jae, these people…’ Doyoung swallowed. He was still learning to share the things that made him anxious, and this was a big one. Finally, he straightened up and met his eyes. ‘Our company, everything I have with Yukhei and Ten, is built on our friendship. _These_ people only want me for my brain. They don’t even see me as a person – they’d be happy to just wire me up to a computer and let my neurons do the work. I’m nothing more than an object to them and I can’t let that become my life. I can count the people who see me as a human being rather than a machine on my fingers, and even then half of _them_ just think my brain makes me a total -’

   ‘Don’t,’ Jaehyun said softly.

   He looked down, shaking his head. He changed tack instead. ‘Jae, people have two modes with me. They’re either obsessed with my brain, or freaked out by it. And in the middle, there’s this tiny cluster of people who see it, and they like it, but they like me too and they know I’m more than that. And those people are you, and Yukhei and Ten. That’s it.’

   ‘Doyoungie that’s not true,’ Jaehyun whispered. ‘You have your parents, and -’

   ‘No, you don’t _get_ it, Jae. They’re just the opposite to these places. They love me, more than anything, but do you think I didn’t notice the way they looked at me, growing up? Like they didn’t know how to talk to me. They love _me_ but not that part of me. I know that. But you, and Yukhei and Ten, you love me, and you love my mind too, and I don’t think you understand how that makes me feel because it’s this one precious corner of my life where I can just be unashamedly me.’

   Jaehyun didn’t interrupt again, just holding his gaze with eyes that showed _pain_.

   ‘These colleges want me to be a robot, nothing but data, nothing but the project I’m working on. And with my parents, I try to keep my mouth shut unless it’s small-talk, because they _don’t_ want to hear about the new microprocessor I’ve been building. It’s just two sides of the same coin that’s been spinning my whole life. But with you and Yukhei and Ten it’s like the spinning stops for a minute and the dizziness wears off and I can just breathe.’

   ‘Doyoung - ’

   ‘And that’s why I can’t go to America. I need you three. All of you.’

   ‘Okay,’ Jaehyun nodded, then he looked down at where the letter rested on the top the pile on his open drawer. ‘ _Dicks_ ,’ he muttered at the paper, making Doyoung smile with how quickly he’d changed his tune. ‘Just ignore them, they’re not worth your time. If you’ve tried telling them no already and they haven’t listened, don’t even bother this time.’

   Doyoung nodded.

   ‘And you know I love you, right? You know I love every single part of you. Every inch of your brain, _and_ every inch of your heart.’

   ‘I know.’

   ‘And you’ll tell me, if either side is ever not getting enough attention?’

   ‘Your balancing act has been, thus far, impeccable.’

   ‘Good,’ Jaehyun exhaled, kissing his forehead. He laced his fingers loosely into his dark hair and thumbed over his temple. ‘You want to get out of here for a bit? Forget about all these letters?’

   ‘Yes. Yes, I think so.’

*

   ‘Only you could have this much studying to do _before_ college starts back.'

   ‘You know I want to get ahead on this module,’ said Doyoung, face frustrated with a frown. ‘We’ve got three meetings this week, and it’s the first week of college, and I just want to get a head-start so that I can take some of the weight off.’

   The week before college started back for his second year, Doyoung had spent almost _entirely_ hunched over either his textbook or his computer. His back ached, his eyes ached, even his head ached from the constant light from his laptop screen. By Sunday, there was pain all across his shoulders.

   ‘Can I help?’ Jaehyun sighed. He was sat a little behind Doyoung on his bed, a bed that was rapidly becoming _their_ bed with every day that Doyoung spent round at his. Doyoung had his legs crossed and his neck practically a right-angle to his body as he kept his eyes down. His back, too, was turned to him, the curvature of his spine _surely_ not healthy.

   ‘How much do you know about distributed algorithms?’

   ‘I… don’t even know what you just said to me,’ Jaehyun said with a soft laugh. ‘Can I at least make you something to drink?’

   ‘Coffee.’

   At this, Jaehyun’s brow furrowed. ‘ _Coffee_?’

   ‘Yes. A drink brewed from the seeds of a coffee cherry. Commonly consumed - ’

   ‘Cherry?’ Jaehyun interrupted with genuine interest, raising his eyebrows.

   ‘Mm,’ he hummed. ‘The _bean_ part is a misnomer. Coffee comes from the seeds of a fruit. Beans are the seeds of legumes. The coffee plant is not a legume. Thus, another mis-definition has crept its way into language.’

   For a moment, Jaehyun looked taken aback by this particular fact, but then he seemed to remember why he was frowning. ‘You don’t drink coffee.’

   ‘Well I’m tired and I need to stay awake and I’m willing to make an exception tonight because this is driving me crazy,’ he knew his frustration was evident in his voice. ‘I want to get it done.’

   There was a silence, as Doyoung went back to his work with increased fervour. Then, there was a scrawling of pen, and a small scrap of paper was looped around his side and placed firmly on his book.

   _Take a break_.

   Doyoung stared down at it, and then he rubbed his eyes, squeezing them shut. ‘I don’t have time.’

   Jaehyun took a steadying breath, as though nervous. ‘Doyoungie… you know you told me that my balancing act is good?’

   ‘I’m sorry?’ Doyoung turned slightly, brow still knotted.

   ‘That I take care of your head and heart in equal measure?’

   ‘Oh yes.’

   ‘Well, my love, you’re not… _you’re_ not balancing very well right now. You’re doing too much with your brain. You need to let the heart and soul side rest for a minute. You haven’t taken a break in six hours and I think your total breathing time over the last few days amounts to about thirty minutes total.’

   Doyoung looked back at his textbook, then closed his eyes. He knew that Jaehyun was right. He knew that he’d become somewhat _obsessed_ with this chapter. He swallowed, then nodded. ‘Yes. Yes, you’re right.’

   ‘I’m sure you’ve got a folder in your mind all about concentration – studies, right? I bet you know exactly how long the brain can focus for, and I’m pretty sure you’re breaking the rules.’

   ‘Advice varies,’ he whispered.

   ‘You want to give me an average?’

   ‘45 minutes? An hour?’

   ‘Right,’ said Jaehyun. ‘So close your book, shut your laptop, and _inhale_ , _exhale_.’

   Doyoung did as he instructed.

   ‘I’m going to make you a drink. Non-caffeinated.’

   ‘Thank you,’ said Doyoung, almost _shakily_. He was particularly grateful to Jaehyun for preventing a lapse in his lifetime policy of avoiding caffeine.

   He watched as his boyfriend prepared a drink for him, the small studio suddenly filled with the scent of something homely and enticing. It actually made Doyoung sleepy, but he took the time to pick out the ingredients on the air before Jaehyun walked back over, placing the warm cup in his hands.

   ‘Chocolate, almond, vanilla, and…?’

   ‘Maple,’ Jaehyun supplied.

   ‘Thanks, Jae.’

   ‘Now, the rest of this can wait til tomorrow,’ he said, stacking Doyoung’s books with his laptop and moving them to the overflowing desk.

   ‘My neck hurts.’

   Jaehyun crossed back to the bed and sat slightly behind him again. ‘Can I touch you?’

   ‘Mmhm,’ Doyoung hummed, stress settling with the warmth radiating through across his palms and the reassurance that his laptop was firmly closed.

   Jaehyun rested his hands against his neck, forefingers parting from his thumbs to knead along the line of bone behind his ears, ring-fingers stroking his jaw, thumbs themselves rubbing gently over the nape of his neck. The breath that Doyoung sighed was so obvious that Jaehyun shifted closer, pressing a little firmer.

   ‘Alright?’

   ‘Yes,’ Doyoung exhaled. His eyes fluttered shut – he didn’t want other sensory distractions.

   Jaehyun’s fingers were extraordinary. They massaged over every stiff muscle of his neck, his shoulders, toyed carefully across fragile tendons. He pressed with more intent when he worked his fingers into his hair, and the warm tingles that spread from each movement made Doyoung sigh again in something near ecstasy. Suddenly, the pain in his head didn’t seem so obvious.

   ‘Will you… will you do my back?’ he asked quietly. His voice seemed loud in the silent room.

   Jaehyun’s hands paused, but only for a moment. ‘Sure.’ At first, he worked down over the shoulders of his shirt, but Doyoung shifted, shrugging his hands off. As Jaehyun settled them back down to his lap, Doyoung opened the first couple of buttons on his shirt, pale blue and piped with white pinstripe. He left only the bottom two buttons still hooked, and let the shirt slide from his shoulders, all the way down to pool at his elbows, exposing his back.

   ‘Are you sure you want me to?’ Jaehyun breathed.

   Doyoung couldn’t bear to turn around, too shy to see the look on his face, but he nodded.

   He jumped when Jaehyun’s fingertips brushed over his skin for the first time, where he hadn’t touched him before, and he felt Jaehyun pause for a second, but when he didn’t pull away, he rested his fingers back over his shoulders. ‘Alright?’ he checked.

   ‘It’s good.’

   Jaehyun restarted his massage, but this time it was all the more satisfying. The firmest parts of his palms kneaded harder over his shoulder blades once Doyoung had relaxed, before his knuckles pressed their way with precision down his spine.

   At one point, Doyoung had to put down his drink, one hand resting on the mattress in front of his crossed legs to hold himself steady as Jaehyun did everything to work out the horrible knots in his shoulders. As his body relaxed, fully, for the first time in a long time, he thought he could feel every hour he’d spent hunched over his computer in his _life_ pushed out with each stroke of Jaehyun’s hands.

   Sparks radiated from his expert fingers, and Doyoung let out an actual _sound_ , rather than just a breath.

   He thought it was embarrassing, feeling his face flush, but Jaehyun didn’t pause, instead massaging over the same spot again, harder, until there was a blend of slight pain with the pleasure on the wrecked muscle.

   ‘Ah!’ he gasped.

   ‘Did I hurt you?’ Jaehyun asked quickly, halting.

   ‘Yes, but it’s good. It’s helping.’

   Jaehyun resumed his work, only this time, when his thumbs dug in particularly hard around the plate of his shoulder blade, he coupled the pressure with a soft kiss to the back of his neck.

   That took it from something practical to something special, and Doyoung’s heart rate increased discernibly.

   By the time that he thought his whole body might melt away, he ended up settling back against Jaehyun’s chest, eyes closed.

   Jaehyun gave a gentle laugh, wrapping an arm around his messily clothed waist. ‘Good?’

   ‘I feel amazing,’ Doyoung exhaled. ‘Like… like my body’s never felt like that. It’s like the stress is gone.’

   ‘Well I think we should start pencilling you in for weekly sessions, yeah?’ Jaehyun kissed his shoulder, then his temple from behind. ‘Your shoulders are a mess, full of knots. Forty-five minutes isn’t going to fix a lifetime of abuse. You need to take better care of your body.’

   ‘Forty-five minutes?’ Doyoung said in surprise, eyes flitting to the clock. He’d had no idea they’d been going for that long.

   ‘Yep, and nowhere near long enough. Anyone who spends this much time on their computer should be getting this done professionally, regularly.’

   ‘Not really an option, what with my not liking people touching me.’

   ‘Well you’ve got me,’ Jaehyun smiled.

   When Doyoung got ready to go to sleep, he wandered over to the desk to turn his laptop off properly. As he toyed with the buttons on one of Jaehyun’s shirts, he noticed an A4 booklet, sticking out of the overflowing paper bin under the desk.

   ‘Yale?’ he turned.

   Jaehyun looked around, then glanced at the crumpled brochure. ‘Oh, yeah.’

   ‘Why do you have a prospectus for Yale?’ He wished that his heart didn’t pound quite so much with panic at the sight of something so innocuous.

   ‘Er…’ Jaehyun went to take his hand, but Doyoung closed it into a fist, moving it slightly behind his back. Any reconciliation he’d found with that sensation tonight was gone – he didn’t like being touched when his heart was thudding like this. ‘Their university library houses a lot of material that could be useful for my thesis. My advisor recommended that I take a semester over there, maybe sit in on some classes, spend a few weeks in the library.’

   Doyoung felt like his ears were rushing with blood.

   ‘But I’m not going, so please don’t panic,’ he said gently. ‘It’s in the trash for a reason.’

   ‘Why aren’t you going?’

   ‘Because you need me here,’ he shrugged, as though it was of little significance. ‘You told me that you need me, and Yukhei and Ten, and so I’m not going anywhere.’

   ‘You can’t stay here just for me,’ Doyoung said blankly. He didn’t want to say it, but his voice-box seemed to be ahead of his brain. ‘You can’t miss out on a good opportunity just because of me.’

   ‘It’s not a big deal. I have a couple of friends online, students like me, who could make some scans, send them over. I promise, Doyoung, that if I really needed to go, I’d go. But I don’t. And if it’s not essential, then I’d really rather be here with you.’

   ‘Really?’

   ‘Really. _I’m_ not exactly thrilled with the idea of being apart from you either. So I threw it away. Not a big deal. You weren’t even supposed to see it.’

   ‘Okay.’

   ‘Really okay?’

   ‘Yes.’

   He wasn’t going to voice the fact that the tiniest threat to the happy reality he’d found for himself over the last year filled him with dread. It was too embarrassing. A few pages of laminated card shouldn’t have the ability to ignite such a horrible fear of the future inside his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	8. Chapter 8

   Doyoung had never fallen asleep in a class, but today his eyes couldn’t help themselves.

   The lights in the lecture theatre were dimmed to better display the slideshow at the front – a complex, _horribly_ complex, mess of problems that would usually have piqued his interest. Doyoung hadn’t slept the previous night, not for more than an hour or two in the small hours, and he hadn’t slept much more the night _before_ either. He’d been camped over his computer, Yukhei talking on the phone with the States, Ten muttering over and over and over about every disaster that had befallen them because he was even more pessimistic when he was stressed. It had been like that for a week – two weeks.

   _It’s just business_. That’s what he’d told Jaehyun when they’d made the biggest loss of their career so far. _Losses happen_. He didn’t mention the exhaustive process of having to recover from them, without a cent in the bank or a helping hand reaching out to them.

   ‘ _No one_? Kim Dongyoung? What say you?’

   Doyoung’s neck had just started to give up, head nodding toward sleep, when his name snapped him back to reality. ‘I’m sorry? Can you please repeat the question?’ he said, anxious eyes flitting over the slide at the front. The numbers and letters were fuzzy, and they seemed not to be aligned on a level plane.

   ‘Enlighten us, Mr Kim,’ Dr Park smiled. This was probably the only lecturer than Doyoung _liked_ at his college. ‘Why is the argument unsatisfactory?’

   ‘I’m… I’m sorry, I don’t - ’ he swallowed as he squinted at the symbols. ‘I don’t know.’

   A mutter rippled around the room.

   ‘Take a moment,’ his teacher said quietly, ignoring the murmur. ‘You do know.’

   Doyoung felt his face heating up with the eyes of the room on him. His head was throbbing, his eyes were stinging, and his whole mind felt like it had been shaken up and not given time to settle. ‘I -’ he cleared his throat, ‘when the series is convergent, the abstract symbol can be replaced by a number, but when the series is not convergent, it cannot. But you’re using the same argument regardless. Arguments are a quantitative procedure, looking for a value, but the nature of the series, convergent or not convergent, is established by qualitative reasoning.’ He wasn’t even thinking ahead about the words – he was solving through the problem as he spoke, praying his mind kept up with his voice. ‘Each argument begins _s_ = but doesn’t account for the nature of – of the series.’

   His voice trailed off.

   ‘You’ve created a blind procedure,’ he added quietly.

   _Everyone_ was staring at him.

   His professor smiled. ‘And why am I showing you this?’

   ‘Because in a lot of computer applications, the quantitative components are implemented while the qualitative components are pushed to the side. You’re highlighting the risks of ignoring the qualitative factors.’

   ‘Very good, Dongyoung. I told you that you knew it.’

   Doyoung slumped down in his seat, tucking his chin down almost past the collar of his shirt, trying to ignore the mutterings that had become the backdrop of so many of his classes.

   By the end of the class, he just wanted to go home. _No_ , he wanted to go to Jaehyun’s. He wanted to sleep for a few hours, away from the scorching crucible of stress that was his dorm. He wanted to do anything – _anything_ – before their most important US investor woke up and started to yell at them again.

   ‘Dongyoung?’

   He turned, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, but then he walked dutifully down to the front of the hall while the other students filed out.

   ‘Are you feeling okay?’

   ‘I’m fine, Dr Park.’

   ‘You look tired,’ his professor sat back against his desk, surveying him with concern. ‘I was half inclined to just let you sleep.’

   He felt his ears turn red at the realisation that his professor had caught him dozing. ‘I’m sorry, sir.’

   ‘What’s going on with you? I’m worried, I’ve never seen you like this before.’

   ‘My business is… we’re going through a rough patch.’

   Their company was well known to the faculty these days – the talk of corridors around their university. Dr Park furrowed his brow. ‘Well I’m sorry to hear that. But I do hope you won’t let that interrupt your studies too much? You’re only twenty years old – you’ve got a lifetime to build your company, but college goes by fast. If you need to take a break from business, you know that would be - ’

   ‘I’m _not_ taking a break,’ he said firmly.

   His professor held up his hands. ‘Okay. Far be it for me to interfere. Don’t worry about this week’s assignment,’ he added with a sigh, ‘you’re five years ahead of the rest of your classmates anyway.’

   Doyoung looked down shyly.

   ‘Get some sleep, Dongyoung.’

   ‘Yes, sir.’

   ‘Alright, off you go then.’

   ‘May I take a copy of the assignment anyway?’ he asked. ‘I’d… I’d still like to take a look at it.’

   ‘Of course,’ Dr Park smiled, handing him a worksheet. ‘Don’t overwork yourself. Far too many great minds burn out too early.’

   He nodded, then took the stairs to the top the lecture theatre two at a time because he wanted to get to the history department, where Jaehyun was leading a seminar, to wait for him.

   When he got through the doors, however, he walked headlong into two strangers.

   ‘Sorry,’ he mumbled, flinching away at the sudden contact. He went to sidestep them, but he hadn’t even taken a step before he heard his name _again_.

   ‘Kim Dongyoung?’

   He stared at the men, narrowing his eyes. He was so tired. _God_ he was so tired, and being stopped by his professor was bad enough, but now strangers wanted his attention and he just wanted his Jaehyun and –

   ‘Would you mind if we have a word for five minutes?’

   ‘Who are you?’ he asked, in English, their language of choice.

   ‘My name is Zhang Hua – this is Jan Weber. We were just wondering if we could talk to you about an… opportunity, that we think might catch your interest?’

   ‘You’re recruiters,’ said Doyoung, tone flat.

   ‘We’ve – ah – we’ve been given license to talk to you on behalf of _Google_.’

   ‘No. I’m not interested.’

   ‘Mr Kim, we can make you a _very_ lucrative offer. Why don’t the three of us discuss this over some coffees? We can talk through some of the opportunities you could find yourself with if you agreed to a… partnership.’

   ‘I don’t drink coffee. And I’m not interested,’ he made to step around them, but one of the men blocked his path.

   ‘This isn’t the sort of offer that comes along very often, Mr Kim. You’d be looking at funding, in the US, for the rest of your education. Potential for a six figure salary, for your subsequent work as an engineer, with a _very_ friendly welcome package to make clear our intentions.’

   ‘No. Please let me past.’

   ‘Mr Kim - ’

   ‘I think he asked you to let him past.’ Doyoung looked up in relief at the sound of Jaehyun’s voice. His boyfriend looked… _pissed_. ‘These guys bothering you?’ he asked, putting a protective arm straight around Doyoung’s shoulders.

   Doyoung just shook his head and muttered, ‘let’s just go.’

   ‘At least take my card, Mr Kim.’

   He snatched the business card that the man held out, though he had absolutely no intention of using it. Still, if it got rid of them quicker…

   ‘Fuck, Doyoung, when you told me they harass you, I didn’t realise you meant they _literally_ harass you,’ Jaehyun looked over his shoulder as they stalked away, rubbing gently up and down his arm. ‘Assholes.’

   ‘They haven’t shown up in person before,’ Doyoung sighed. ‘Although I suppose it was only a matter of time.’

   ‘Your life… it’s like a different world,’ Jaehyun said in disbelief. ‘I didn’t realise this kind of thing actually happens…’

   ‘Oh the tech world is terrifying,’ said Doyoung. ‘The headhunters are like vultures. That’s why I’m sticking with Ten and Yukhei.’

   Jaehyun nodded. ‘Good.’

   ‘Do you mind if we drop by mine first on the way back? I want to dump all these books.’

   ‘Sure, sure.’

   Doyoung relaxed, stress ebbing away. Everything from work, everything from the companies hounding him, even everything from class, faded into insignificance when he knew he could spend an afternoon with his boyfriend.

   This relief didn’t last long enough, like the universe refused to let him breathe for a moment this week.

   As soon as he opened the door to his room, he frowned.

   Ten was on his bed, and the lights were off, the curtains drawn even in the afternoon, but he wasn’t asleep. Doyoung could tell. He was curled up very small, on top of his blankets.

   Doyoung’s good mood evaporated. ‘Ten? Tennie, you okay?’ he whispered, dropping his bag and crossing to his bed straight away. Jaehyun stayed at the door, hanging back with an expression of concern.

   ‘I’m fine,’ Ten said, in that kind of voice that said _no_.

   ‘What’s happened?’

   ‘I’m fine.’

   ‘Tell me Tennie,’ he said, ‘you know Yukhei will get it out of you anyway.’

   Ten met his eyes, blinking away something that could have been tears, but that was unreadable in the darkness. ‘My sister is very sick again.’

   ‘Oh Ten,’ Doyoung sighed, sitting down on his bed and resting a hand on his shoulder. ‘Who called? What did the doctors say?’

   Ten turned into his touch, closing his eyes. Doyoung didn’t flinch. Ten, for all of his dismissiveness, liked contact, and Doyoung, for all his hatred of touch, wasn’t going to pull away when his friend needed him. ‘She needs the surgery. Or she’ll die.’

   ‘Right, okay,’ Doyoung said steadily, even though his stomach had flipped over. ‘Okay, so we’ll pay.’

   ‘We don’t have the money,’ said Ten, voice hard. ‘We _owe_ money. And this is too much to pull together this quickly. If this had happened six weeks ago, we would have been fine. But I ruined everything. I’ve ruined my family’s lives. Again.’

   Doyoung looked up, to where Jaehyun looked vaguely ill in the doorway. ‘Jae, can you go and find Yukhei for me?’ Jaehyun nodded immediately, taking off down the corridor. Doyoung looked back to his best friend, wishing he had a better answer to give him. ‘Ten you haven’t ruined anything. Everything will be fine. We’ll find the money. There’s three of us, we’ll make it work.’

*

   It was three days before Doyoung felt willing to leave his best friend’s side for long enough to spend some time with his boyfriend. They were walking together, along Cheonggyecheon stream, enjoying the shade of greenery even in downtown Seoul, when Doyoung dared to voice what he’d been thinking.

   ‘Isn’t it covered by universal care or…?’ Jaehyun was asking.

   ‘It’s experimental treatment,’ Doyoung shook his head. ‘Ten’s sister has been sick for a very long time. And unless we can find a surgeon _and_ a hospital who will do it for free, we’re going to have to find money. A lot of money. Yukhei’s going to try to speak to his parents – they’re… extremely wealthy. But he’s out of favour, right now – they haven’t spoken to him since summer in Hong Kong ended… _badly_ , and besides, they _hate_ me and Ten. My parents don’t have that sort of money, they remortgaged their house just to get me through the first few years of private school, and Ten’s family have nothing.’

   ‘Fuck, Doyoung, I’m sorry.’

   ‘I’ve been thinking…’ he took a deep breath. ‘I have people kicking down my door, begging me to go and work for them. I could – If I accepted an offer, I could negotiate an advance on my salary, call it a proof of commitment.’

   ‘What – what are you saying?’ Jaehyun stopped, turning to face him. ‘Doyoung, don’t even go there. You told me you would _never -_ ’

   ‘I could go over there, on the condition of a short contract. A year, two years, whatever they’ll offer me as a minimum. Then I could come back. There’s no other way to get this sort of _lump_ of money. Big money. Not this fast.’

   ‘No,’ Jaehyun shook his head. ‘No, Doyoungie. You said that you could never, ever leave your company, and these guys are going to want exclusivity. You said you could never leave me and Yukhei and Ten and - ’

   ‘If I have to sell my soul to the States for a year or two to save my best friend’s sister’s _life_ , that’s not even a choice. Of _course_ I’ll go.’

   ‘But - ’

   ‘I’ve got it all figured out. Those guys from _Google_ were offering me a _welcome package_. In our world, that means a cash bribe, a promise while I’m still studying. MIT have been stalking me for years. MIT is in Cambridge, it’s practically in Boston. _Google_ have offices in Boston. I can take a year out from college here and call it a year in industry, offer my services to _Google_ , and I can make MIT happy by taking a couple of courses there while I’m in the area. It won’t even interrupt my studies.’

   ‘But Doyoung - ’

   Doyoung took Jaehyun’s hand, linking their fingers together tightly. ‘You know how far New Haven is from Boston? It’s a two-hour drive.’

   Jaehyun stared at him, then he nodded slowly. ‘Right… Yale.’

   ‘We can go together,’ Doyoung swallowed. ‘I can do it, Jae, if you’re with me.’

   Doyoung could actually see the cogs working in Jaehyun’s brain. ‘You can’t leave the company,’ he said softly.

   ‘Temporary. It would be temporary.’

   ‘Okay,’ Jaehyun nodded, squeezing his hand. ‘Okay. But we’ll try every other option first. We’ll wring money out of everywhere we can. We’ve got a _little_ time. And if… if you have to, then we’ll go. I’ll come with you. Of course I’ll come with you.’

   ‘Good,’ Doyoung exhaled shakily.

   ‘But it’s a last resort. You’ve worked too hard on NCT to step away now.’

   ‘Last resort,’ Doyoung promised.

   But after two sleepless nights, he hadn’t been able to think of any alternative. It would be fine – it would all be fine so long as he had Jaehyun with him.

*

_‘Every time I ever put my arms around you, I feel that I am home.’_

Doyoung read over and over the letter that Jaehyun had hidden in his desk drawer, his thumb stroking over the ink.

    _It will be home if we’re together_.

   Attached, there was a photograph. It was one of the tiny houses they’d looked at renting, together, with a question mark printed in black pen. It wasn’t too far out from where Doyoung would have to work, but south-westerly enough that Jaehyun would be able to drive to New Haven when he needed to. The house was on one level, and it only had a couple of rooms, but it had a nice veranda and a huge front garden and it was everything that Doyoung had ever wanted from a place to live. Jaehyun knew him so well.

   He searched up the quoted passage of the letter - a loose quote, like so many of his. Jaehyun always loved to rework words just for him. This was Hemingway. One of Jaehyun’s favourites.

   He looked up in surprise, when the dorm door opened.

   Then he narrowed his eyes. It was one of Ten’s closest friends, Youngmi. Doyoung didn’t especially like her. But Ten did, so he made a point of smiling politely even though she hadn’t knocked.

   ‘Ten’s not here.’

   ‘Actually I came to see you,’ she said.

   At this, surprise flickered through curiosity and suspicion in equal measure.

   ‘Ten told me what’s going on. He also told me what you’re… thinking of doing.’

   ‘Great, and there I was thinking Yukhei was the gossip,’ Doyoung muttered.

   She looked down at him at his desk, flicking long, smooth hair out of her eyes. ‘Don’t leave NCT. This is your watershed moment. I know that you think it will be temporary, but companies don’t come back from that. If you go now, you’ll never come back either.’

   ‘Why do you care?’

   ‘Because I care a lot about Ten, and I won’t see him watch everything he’s built fall apart.’

   Doyoung met her eyes. Ten didn’t have many friends, very, _very_ few other than Yukhei and himself. He’d chosen her for… some reason or another. If he didn’t know his best friend so well, he’d have thought maybe they were dating. ‘We need the money.’

   ‘I’ll help Ten. I’ll use my trust-fund. My father doesn’t need to know what the money’s _for_.’

   Doyoung stared, mouth falling slightly open. ‘Why?’ he whispered.

   ‘Because friends help friends,’ she shrugged. ‘He can pay me back once the company starts making money again. Which is why _you_ can’t leave, by the way,’ she added with a small smile. ‘The company is nothing without you.’

   ‘Youngmi, I – thank you.’

   ‘It’s not a big deal,’ she said lightly. ‘Don’t leave NCT.’

   He nodded slowly, mind moving a mile a minute. Relief hadn’t quite overtaken confusion, yet.

   Then he glanced back to the letter Jaehyun had given him, the photo, and wondered how on earth to tell him that he wanted to stay in Korea after all.

*

   Ever since Doyoung had first made the suggestion, as they’d walked along the stream, he knew that Jaehyun had been excited. He didn’t show it. Quite the opposite – he’d said over and over again that the last thing he wanted was for Doyoung to end up in America working for a company he hated. But Doyoung knew his boyfriend as well as he knew himself, and he knew how much his heart must have skipped at the thought of months in the Yale University Library. Jaehyun was a traveller, filled to the brim with wanderlust, and Doyoung knew that the thought of getting to spend time somewhere new with his boyfriend had excited him as much as the prospect of books.

   Which was why he couldn’t _bear_ to tell him to stay now.

   So, as he sat with him on one of the small corners of grass at college, he took a shaky breath before speaking. ‘Jae, now that Ten… now that I don’t have to…’

   ‘It’s okay,’ Jaehyun said quietly, ‘I know. It’s alright, this is all good. Now we can stay here and fix everything and we’ll all be happy again.’

   ‘Jae, I still want to go.’

   ‘What?’ His eyebrows shot up.

   ‘Not for class. Not for a contract. But let’s go, let’s go in the summer. Forget Boston – we can find a place to rent in New Haven. You can spend a few weeks at the university, at the library, and I can meet some of our US investors, maybe drum up some new business, get us back on track.’

   Jaehyun was staring at him.

   ‘Like a holiday. A working holiday, for both of us. Ten’s going to be taking care of his family after his sister’s surgery, and Yukhei will either be in Hong Kong, or probably in Thailand with Ten if his parents don’t want him home. We can spend every day together and it’ll be great and you can do your research.’

   ‘Doyoungie, it… it sounds amazing,’ Jaehyun breathed. ‘But you don’t like unfamiliar places, and - ’

   ‘I’ll be fine. We’ll be together. Please. I want to go.’

   ‘I love you,’ Jaehyun exhaled, pulling him close to kiss him. Doyoung pulled away quickly, turning bright red, still not very good at that kind of thing out in public, but he was smiling. ‘I love you so much.’ Jaehyun stroked his cheek, and ran his fingers into his hair as he looked over his face with love.

   Such was the ardency in his eyes, that Doyoung ended up pecking a quick kiss to his lips anyway, which made Jaehyun give him his favourite, dazzling, slightly lopsided smile.

   ‘By the time we go, we’ll have spent almost two years together.’

   ‘Our first holiday together,’ Doyoung smiled.

   ‘Our first time properly living together, too,’ said Jaehyun. ‘Fuck, Doyoung, thank you so much for doing this for me, even though you don’t have to anymore.’

   ‘I’m doing it for us,’ he said. ‘Your research means everything to you, and I’m not ever going to stand in the way of your dream. Just like you turned down Yale in the first place because you didn’t want to get in the way of me and _my_ company. That’s how we work. When two people are very ambitious, they just have to work a little harder to make sure that their plans stay in harmony. So we work on this stuff, so that both of us get everything we need.’

   ‘You know I’m the luckiest guy alive, right?’ Jaehyun murmured. ‘Having you in my life…’

   ‘I think we’re both lucky. Some people wait a very long time to find _the_ _one_.’

   Jaehyun put his arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. Doyoung tucked his face into his shoulder, more and more addicted to Jaehyun’s touch these days. For the first time, lately, he wanted _more_. More and more. Instead of being something he accepted, or tolerated, he craved touch from Jaehyun now.

   He’d get a lot of it, he hoped, in New Haven.

   In the past, he’d dreaded the prospect of an entire summer without his friends. But now, with the two of them hopefully happy in Thailand, with no parents around, without even the background noise of students, he’d have Jaehyun all to himself properly for the first time. His heart raced.

   It had been a stressful few months.

   He really did need a holiday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	9. Chapter 9

   ‘Doyoung? Doyoungie?’

   ‘I’m in the living room!’

   Doyoung had worried, at first, about how he would manage occupying the same space as his boyfriend 24/7. In Seoul, he’d always had his room to retreat to, even after hours and hours spent holed up in Jaehyun’s studio together. Here, in New Haven, there was no such luxury in the small rental apartment that they were sharing.

   He’d lived with Ten and Yukhei in those kinds of conditions before, but they were _experienced_ in living with him. They’d spent years in a dormitory together. They knew everything about his routines and his need for specific space at specific times. He’d lived with his parents full-time when he was a kid, of course, but they knew his needs best after his friends. With Jaehyun… he’d been worried.

   Within a day, he wasn’t sure what he’d ever been worried _about_.

   Jaehyun did know him. He knew him best of all. And living with him was the easiest thing in the world.

   After four _weeks_ , Doyoung knew that this was how he wanted to spend the rest of his life.

   With every day that had passed in their apartment, Jaehyun returning home from days at the library and Doyoung working at the table on plans to send to Ten and Yukhei, he grew more and more attached to this particular vision of the future.

   He’d never thought too hard before about what he saw his life being. He’d always known, of course, that he would be a developer, that he would find a frightening amount of success working in one of the world’s top companies with Ten and Yukhei, because he’d planned that future with meticulous precision and it had always been a certainty, not a possibility. But outside of that, he hadn’t considered what would make up the rest of his day, after he left the office.

   Once Jaehyun had come into his life, he had of course adjusted the image to include his boyfriend at his side.

   But living together like this? Finally, he’d thought about life outside that one specific _snapshot_. He was thinking in three-dimensions, in colour, in vivid detail.

   Now he was thinking about the day to day, and he was formulating new dreams based on his daily realisations. He’d started to realise how much he loved life outside of his computer: making a home, baking a cake, taking time off from his blueprints and just being… being a _boyfriend_. Whenever he closed his laptop and allowed himself to do nothing but _live_ , that became his new passion.

   ‘Have I ever told you that you look especially cute in that shirt?’

   Doyoung looked up from his work with a small smile. He was sat cross-legged on the couch, laptop balanced on a cushion, but he snapped it shut quickly. Jaehyun was leant against the doorframe, spinning his keys absentmindedly on his finger, surveying him with very soft, very _loving_ eyes. He did a lot of that, these days, so much of it that Doyoung felt shy under his gaze sometimes. He’d known that Jaehyun loved him _before_ , but ever since living together for these few weeks, he felt like that love had been elevated to some new level.

   Then Doyoung looked down at the silly novelty shirt that he was wearing, the one that Jaehyun was looking at so fondly. It was an oversized white tee that Yukhei had bought him, with a mildly inaccurate science joke printed across it. The joke was made up for by the cute cartoon character who appeared to be telling it, so he still wore it sometimes in the evenings, before he changed into his proper pyjamas for bed because he was a _pyjama_ sort of person. Jaehyun wasn’t. He was a shirt and boxers sort of person, and in bed during the hot summer he was a no-shirt-sort-of-person.

   Not that Doyoung would ever complain about _that_ view.

   ‘It’s… you have said that before,’ he said shyly.

   ‘Well it’s still cute,’ Jaehyun exhaled, and the spell was broken as Doyoung swung his legs off the couch and walked over to kiss his boyfriend. He always missed him, while he was out at the library all day. He worried about him, out on the roads, driving in a less familiar country. _At least they drive on the right side of the road_ , he’d reminded himself a hundred times. In fact, he worried about Jaehyun most of the time, just like he worried about Yukhei and Ten, just like he worried about his parents. He couldn’t help it. When he loved someone, he worried about them. Especially when they weren’t there with him. ‘I missed you,’ said Jaehyun. ‘Working in a library without you still doesn’t feel right anymore.’

   ‘I missed you too,’ Doyoung sighed.

   ‘How was your day? What were you working on?’ Jaehyun nodded at his laptop.

   ‘Nothing,’ said Doyoung, and he didn’t spare the closed computer a glance.

   Before Jaehyun had come into his life, his mind had been in constant cacophony, an organised chaos, a thousand thoughts in perfect order but overwhelming in their sheer volume. Now, there was no chaos. When Jaehyun was with him, the clamour faded into insignificance. With Jaehyun, all the noise stopped.

   Whenever he closed his laptop and put work to bed, within a minute he could not even remember what he’d been working on.

   There was only his Jae and his home and his _life_.

   ‘It smells fucking _amazing_ in here,’ Jaehyun grinned.

   ‘I started the cake.’

   ‘Without me? I’m hurt,’ he said, throwing a dramatic hand over his heart.

   ‘You can do the frosting. You’re better at it than me. I do the science, you do the art part.’ As he spoke, he caught Jaehyun’s hand in his, the one that wasn’t busy playing with his house keys. He interlinked their fingers loosely, thumb stroking across his skin. ‘Artist’s hands. You take such care over everything you touch. You treat anything you hold like the most delicate thing in the world.’

   ‘Especially when I’m holding you,’ Jaehyun smiled. He freed his hand and wrapped both of his arms around Doyoung’s waist instead. He stood a little taller to kiss his forehead, clearly enjoying his small advantage in height.

   This part was so easy now.

   So easy.

   Jaehyun rarely had to ask anymore, about when he could touch him. He read his moods so easily – their signals were non-verbal. They could kiss all the time, touch all the time in the simplest ways – Jaehyun resting a hand on his waist, pulling him into hugs, running his hands into his hair whenever he felt like it. All that was one barrier that felt like a distant memory to Doyoung now.

   Touch still played on his mind, sometimes, but for the most part Jaehyun was the exception to his carefully architected rules.

   _Now_ his mind was occupied on the regular working through different barriers, barriers that usually went unspoken but were abundantly _obvious_ given that they were approaching their second anniversary without ever having slept together. When Doyoung had mentioned this once in a video call to Yukhei and Ten seeking a little advice, Yukhei had spluttered on his drink and announced that Jaehyun had to be the most patient guy in the entire _world_. Doyoung had frowned at that.

   Jaehyun had never given any indication that he cared – he’d told Doyoung more than once that his interest in him was far more compelling than his interest in getting laid, and on the one occasion that Doyoung had got especially anxious about it, Jaehyun had reminded him lightly that they didn’t actually have to have sex to get off.

   No, there was no pressure from Jaehyun.

   But lately _Doyoung_ wanted it. He didn’t _want_ to get himself off anymore – he didn’t want _Jaehyun_ to have to get himself off anymore. It was the one thing they didn’t share, the one thing left that Doyoung so deeply wanted to be able to enjoy with him because one thing was for sure – they enjoyed everything _else_ together.

   He knew that he might not come across as the most sexual person on the planet, but it wasn’t like watching the way that Jaehyun’s muscles worked when he moved, feeling the heat from his body, breaking away from kisses that became ever more passionate each day, didn’t make his heart race faster. Doyoung didn’t dislike the idea of sex, contrary to what people, namely his friends, might think about him.

   He wanted Jaehyun. He’d wanted Jaehyun from the moment he saw him. He’d fantasised about the most erotic kinds of intimacy.

   It was just the _reality_ that he’d always been frightened of. That was always so much harder for his mind to come to terms with than the fantasy. He knew that maybe it wasn’t a big deal to a lot of people, but it was a big deal to _him_. Allowing someone that kind of access, _physically_ rather than emotionally - it was a piece of control that he was scared to share with someone. He liked being in control.

   But these days, _finally_ , he didn’t feel so afraid of it anymore.

   He trusted Jaehyun more innately than he trusted himself.

   And he’d been coming up with some ideas.

*

   ‘How do you bake like this?’ Jaehyun muttered, a few minutes later, as they took their cake out of the oven.

   ‘Like what?’ Doyoung asked, as the kitchen was filled with warmth from the open oven and the strong aroma of freshly baked cake.

   ‘Like… _this_?’ Jaehyun held up the tray, perfectly risen and beautifully golden. ‘You’re like my grandma. Like I do the exact same things she does, but it never turns out the same way, but when you bake it’s _perfect_ every time.’

   ‘I’m not as good as your grandma,’ said Doyoung, who had, on more than one occasion, had the utmost privilege to enjoy her cooking. ‘But it really is science. It’s all about precision. You don’t measure things properly.’

   Jaehyun pulled a face, then took the care to swipe a thumb of icing sugar across Doyoung’s cheek before he could twist away. ‘Hey!’

   ‘Don’t criticise my measuring,’ Jaehyun pouted.

   Doyoung met his eyes, warmth in his chest. Jaehyun was usually very mature, serious in a _classic intellectual_ kind of way, but he could also be pouty and sweet when he wanted, on the rare occasions when Doyoung felt like he was the one who could call _Jaehyun_ cute.

   Instead of doing that though, he scooped a fingertip of frosting and went to graze that down Jaehyun’s face too, but his boyfriend was quicker, catching his hand and sliding the small smudge onto his own finger instead with one fluid movement. He lifted his finger to his mouth and licked the frosting off slowly, with a hum of approval.

   Doyoung swallowed, something seeming to turn over in his navel.

   ‘Tasty. Thanks,’ Jaehyun said with a cocky smile, and then he pulled back, returning to the counter to mix.

   Doyoung’s heart had sped up slightly. His face turned pink. He stared at Jaehyun’s back. Did his back look smug? Doyoung thought it looked smug. He tried to ignore the effect that Jaehyun’s movement had had on him.

   Instead he turned to concentrate on making them a drink.

   ‘I’ve been thinking about what movie to watch tonight,’ said Jaehyun, as though he’d done nothing that could trigger a skip in Doyoung’s heartbeat. ‘Do you want cheesy, fun, or serious?’

   ‘How about romantic?’

   Jaehyun turned around, leaning back against the countertop. ‘Romantic, huh?’

   ‘Did you know that there are only three films to have won all of the big-five at the Academy Awards?’ Doyoung asked, forgetting romance for a moment because a fact had popped into his head.

   ‘I don’t even know what the big-five are,’ Jaehyun laughed.

   ‘Best picture, director, actor, actress, and screenplay.’

   ‘Damn, they must be good films.’

   ‘Guess,’ Doyoung pressed.

   Jaehyun let out a huff of thought, brows knitted together. ‘ _The Godfather_?’

   ‘Nope.’

   ‘ _Citizen Kane_.’

   ‘Nope.’

   ‘Alright, I know you want to tell me anyway,’ Jaehyun grinned.

   ‘ _The Silence of the Lambs_ , _One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest_ , and _It Happened One Night_.’

   ‘Have you seen them all?’

   Doyoung nodded. ‘Naturally. I went through a _film_ phase a while back. I didn’t know enough about it so I… well I learned it. You know what I’m like.’

   ‘So you’re a movie buff too?’

   ‘I suppose so.’

   ‘You’re an everything-buff,’ Jaehyun smiled. ‘Is there _anything_ that you’ve ever tried to learn that you just couldn’t? Or you didn’t like?’

   Doyoung mused for a moment. ‘Sports.’

   ‘You know loads about sport though?’ Jaehyun said in surprise.

   ‘Oh I learned what I could,’ he shrugged. ‘I didn’t exactly have much in common with my father growing up. He used to get so excited when Yukhei came around to our house to watch the game. I used to think he’d have preferred him as a son,’ he laughed softly. ‘So I… I learned some stuff, as much as I could, but I still don’t _get_ it. I know more about sports stats than most sports fans, but I don’t… I can’t… when I watch it, I still don’t really get what I’m watching. I can’t look at someone and tell whether they’re _good_ at it or not. My dad can scout a kid and tell they’re going to be a star one day just from the way they hold a bat. I’ve never… I just don’t get it.’

   Jaehyun was frowning. ‘What you said about Yukhei… you know that’s not true, right? Doyoung, your parents love you just how you are.’

   ‘I don’t think I was what my dad had in mind when he found out he was having a son.’

   ‘Don’t you ever think that, Doyoungie. Not ever.’ His voice had turned stern. ‘You are perfect. Your parents look at you like the light of their lives. You might not see it, but I do when I’m there.’

   Doyoung looked down, playing with his hands.

   ‘Your parents are in awe of you. They might not understand everything you talk about, but my god do they _respect_ it. Respect you. To earn the respect of the people you look up to, who _raised_ you, that is special. They hold you in such esteem already, just like I do.’

   Doyoung nodded shyly, not looking up. Since the very day they’d met, Jaehyun had taken the time to work through every insecurity he had, replace it with good thoughts only. This, he supposed, was… another one.

   ‘Now, romantic films…’ Jaehyun smiled. ‘Funny or heat-rending?’

   ‘Nothing sad,’ Doyoung said quickly. He didn’t like romantic films that ended sadly. He liked romantic films that reminded him of the fairy-tale future he had planned out in front of him, the untainted happy ending that he and Jaehyun were going to have together.

*

   Two hours later found Doyoung settled against Jaehyun’s side, curled up on the sofa, movie on and cake eaten and the world nice and stable on its axis. Doyoung had one arm strewn across Jaehyun’s stomach, head tucked tidily into the crook of his neck, eyes on the movie but not really _watching_. He was thinking. He felt as comfortable as he ever had in his life.

   ‘Oh _man,_ do you think - ’ Jaehyun started, probably about to comment on something Doyoung had missed in the movie.

   Doyoung interrupted his words with a kiss.

   He felt Jaehyun’s surprise, his momentary pause as he processed the fact that Doyoung was taking the initiative. Not in the sense of a gentle peck to the lips, but a real, deep, passionate kiss. Their physical relationship was always poised on a fine line, usually dependent on Jaehyun’s remarkable ability to balance patience with careful enterprise. It was rarely Doyoung who made any of these kinds of moves. He relied on Jaehyun’s knowledge of him, and the way that he read his moods as though he could hear his thoughts.

   But he really _had_ been thinking.

   It only took a moment for Jaehyun to relax, and he lifted a hand to the back of Doyoung’s neck, running his fingers into the hair at his nape. It was Doyoung who parted his lips, who shifted his position to straddle a leg over Jaehyun’s thighs, who grazed his tongue lightly across his lower lip and broke back only to tilt his head and kiss Jaehyun’s neck instead, breath hot on his skin.

   ‘Shit, Doyoung, you could have warned me,’ Jaehyun exhaled. He rested his free hand at Doyoung’s hip, two fingers hooking into his belt-loop for purchase. ‘I was watching the movie.’

   For a moment, the tension was broken as their soft laughs mingled into one. ‘I just… I really wanted to try something.’

   Jaehyun guided his head back to meet his eyes. His thumb stroked steadily over the back of his neck. ‘What did you want to try?’

   ‘I want to touch you.’

   At this, Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. ‘Okay,’ he said slowly, voice toying over the small syllables. ‘Okay, what brought this on?’

   ‘I just really want to,’ Doyoung swallowed. ‘I think about it… about you, more, every day.’

   ‘It’s not that something’s made you feel like you should?’ Jaehyun checked, very precisely.

   Doyoung shook his head. ‘I just want to. Is it – is it okay?’

   ‘Doyoungie, my love, you are _very_ welcome to touch me all you want,’ said Jaehyun, with Doyoung’s favourite smile. ‘Very, _very_ welcome.’

   Doyoung kissed him again, hands on his shoulders, before pulling back and letting his fingertips trail down over the buttons of Jaehyun’s shirt. ‘Is it really okay?’

   Jaehyun’s throat bobbed as he swallowed, eyes alight with something like excitement. ‘Yes.’

   Doyoung nodded. He knew that this sort of thing wasn’t a big deal for Jaehyun like it was for him, but he still felt the need to _check_. The thought of someone doing this to _him_ without checking once – twice – three times, was horrible. Unthinkable.

   He fumbled at the buttons of Jaehyun’s shirt. His fingers shook slightly, but not as badly as they had on the couple of occasions, usually unplanned and completely disastrous, that he’d tried this sort of thing before. This time, he was surprisingly focussed. He’d thought carefully through this. He’d been thinking about the limits of his own body, the ones that he was too scared to cross, but then he’d thought about what he _could_ do. He’d always had his anxieties about being touched, especially in ways that were new to him, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t touch _Jaehyun_.

   He pushed his shirt open, and rested the palms of his hands gently against his skin.

   It wasn’t like it was the first time he’d seen Jaehyun without his shirt.

   But touching him like this made it different.

   Doyoung knew that his boyfriend was gorgeous. He knew because whenever they walked through campus, girls stared at him. When they were out together, a barman or a waiter always took a fancy to Jaehyun, smiling at him, offering him their number until he told them politely that he already had a boyfriend. Doyoung loved those moments, the ones when Jaehyun told people that they were together, because it meant that he wasn’t ashamed of him – he wasn’t afraid to tell everyone who he loved.

   He knew that Jaehyun was handsome and fit and appealing in all the ways that made people perform a double-take when they saw him.

   But somehow, tonight he looked better than ever before.

   ‘Alright?’ Jaehyun checked, even though he wasn’t the one doing anything.   

   ‘I love you,’ said Doyoung. ‘Jae I love you so much.’

   He kissed him again, and again, caught up in such love for a moment that he forgot all of the reasons why he’d never done this before.

   ‘I love you too,’ Jaehyun breathed.

   He rested his head back as Doyoung kissed down his neck, down the line of his chest and deviating across to brush his lips gently over the line of his exposed clavicle. Jaehyun’s breath hitched.

   ‘I’m sorry,’ Doyoung said quickly, backing up, ‘I’ve never – you know I’ve never done something like this. I feel stupid. I don’t think I’m very - ’

   ‘Shh,’ Jaehyun murmured, ‘you’re great.’

   Doyoung stroked his fingertips over Jaehyun’s skin. He was investigative, intrigued by the slight curves and the remarkable lack of sharp edges. He was scrawny himself, bony – he didn’t exactly spend time at the gym, but _Jaehyun_ did. His lines were more fluidly sculpted, soft and hard in perfect harmony, utterly transfixing to touch.

   Doyoung wanted to _learn_ him.

   Just like he learned everything else.

   Jaehyun was his one most beloved thing in the entire world, and he wanted to know every inch of his form. He wanted to fill his mind with sensations of him, with the memory of the warmth of his skin and the map of his body.

   He concentrated, he memorised every detail.

   As his fingertips stroked lightly down his chest, he thought about trying something a little further, but his courage failed him.

   ‘Okay?’ Jaehyun murmured.

   ‘Mmhm,’ Doyoung swung his leg back off him as quickly as he'd adopted that position, and rearranged himself, nestling his cheek against his bare chest instead and tucking his legs up onto the couch. ‘You can hit play,’ he said quietly, eyes on the screen again, but mind concentrated on the steady thud of Jaehyun’s heartbeat against his ear.  

   The sudden transition in atmosphere didn’t seem to affect Jaehyun. He was so used to the way that Doyoung processed things, worked through them, and then moved on.

   He switched the movie back on and wrapped an arm around Doyoung’s shoulders.

   ‘I just realised, I didn’t write you a note today,’ he said after a moment, brow furrowing.

   ‘Yes you did.’

   ‘I did?’

   ‘You iced _I-love-you_ on the cake.’

   ‘Ah, yes, I did,’ Jaehyun grinned. ‘Not my most grandiloquent message.’

   Doyoung raised his eyebrows. ‘I think you may have just taught me a word.’

   ‘Seriously? I taught _you_ something? Damn, this evening just keeps getting better and better.’

   Doyoung wondered how to answer something so throwaway with the truth that with Jaehyun beside him like this, every day of his _life_ seemed to be getting better and better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	10. Chapter 10

   **September 2007**

   Jaehyun had read a lot of words in his life. He’d absorbed pretty much every word that had ever been put in front of him. He’d read about everything from the socio-economic history of Korea, to the meanings of flowers so that he could find the right ones to give to his boyfriend. He’d read about love from the perspectives of a thousand great poets. But he still couldn’t quite seem to find the right words, because he’d come across none in all his years that could effectively express the feeling in his heart whenever he looked at Doyoung.

   Look at him he did, in the hopes that it would provide some inspiration.

   Doyoung was curled up tightly, frowning in his sleep. Jaehyun had got home from a long shift at work to find him already in his bed. He’d given Doyoung a key to his studio a very long time ago – only a few weeks after they’d started dating. Sometimes he got so tired out by noise from the parties at his dorm that he’d slip inside at two in the morning for some sleep. Sometimes he needed to cook, one of his mechanisms to work off stress, and Jaehyun would get home from work to find him using his stove.

   This time, it was jetlag, which had hit him a couple of days late since coming back from New Haven, combined with the sound of Ten typing, apparently, that meant he was sleeping in Jaehyun’s bed at a most peculiar time of day. He’d been asleep for the last couple of hours, which was a relief because Jaehyun had things to do.

   He looked back to his paper, then back to Doyoung’s face, then back to his paper again. He’d written hundreds of love letters for Doyoung, but this one was the most important.

   Back to Doyoung.

   He looked over every feature of his face, wondering which he loved the most. Doyoung was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen, which was frustrating to no end because no matter how many times he told him so, Doyoung didn’t seem to notice it. He called himself smart all the time, but he’d never call himself beautiful, even though from where Jaehyun was standing he was both in equal measure.

   His face was long, with a narrow jaw that brought his lips together in a natural pout that Jaehyun always wanted to kiss. Black hair fell into his eyes, shiny and very neatly cut but messy in sleep. His eyes. Jaehyun could look into his eyes until the end of time and never tire of their depth. They were closed, now, but he could visualise them easily in his mind. Wide, almond-shaped, bright and innocent, but also fiendishly intelligent. His features were delicate, not overly prominent but crafted instead in quiet harmony.

   His smile, though. That was what he loved most. Doyoung was generally very composed, especially amongst strangers or vague acquaintances, but when he was alone with Jaehyun his face broke into the most beaming smiles, the sort that made him look young and carefree and radiant with happiness.

   Jaehyun furrowed his brow while he twirled his pen between his fingers. He wasn’t sure any of the poets from whom he usually drew his inspiration would have written anything that expressed ‘ _I love your cute gummy smile_ ’ in adequately effusive language. He read back what he’d already written, pondering how many more drafts he’d get through before the morning of their second anniversary.

   ‘What are you writing?’

   He folded the letter quickly as he glanced up to meet Doyoung’s one open eye. ‘Notes for my thesis. How are you feeling?’

   ‘I feel terrible,’ he said, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling, which was good because it gave Jaehyun time to slip his anniversary card into his desk drawer before climbing over to the bed and settling down next to him.

   ‘You should get some more sleep.’

   ‘I keep waking up,’ Doyoung glared at the ceiling. ‘My head hurts. I don’t understand, I did everything right.’

   Jaehyun let out a soft laugh and pressed a kiss to his forehead. ‘The body is unpredictable, Doyoungie. Even _you_ might not be able to figure out all its secrets.’

   Doyoung had presented him with a complex plan for his sleep cycle during their intercontinental travel. He’d figured out the right hours to sleep, when, where, and formulated a graph of circadian rhythms and other things that made Jaehyun raise his eyebrows.

   And he’d still ended up with jet-lag both ways.

   Jaehyun, on the other hand, whose plan had essentially been sleep-as-much-as-possible, felt fine.

   ‘Come on, you always sleep better with me here anyway,’ Jaehyun opened his arms.

   Doyoung huffed, but it was true. When they’d first met, his boyfriend had stayed very _awake_ whenever they were together. Even if his eyes were closed, Jaehyun could tell that his breathing never really settled. These days though, Doyoung, who struggled horribly with turning off his brain long enough to rest any other time, slept very deeply in his arms, the stress from constant thoughts finally fading from his face.

   ‘Please don’t get into bed in your _outside clothes_ ,’ said Doyoung.

   Jaehyun rolled off the bed. ‘You just want to watch me change, huh?’

   ‘Maybe. How was work?’

   ‘Alright. It feels wrong working a day shift, though. I kind of miss the nights. There are more people around in the day, I actually have to _work_.’

   Jaehyun had switched his schedule from mostly-night-shifts to mostly-day-shifts since they’d got back from the States. He didn’t like operating on a different pattern to Doyoung, anymore. His need to sleep during the day combined with Doyoung’s need to get up early had meant that they didn’t get to spend anywhere near enough time together before. Now, though, they could be a _normal_ couple, going to bed together every night and doing things during the mornings and the afternoons as much as the evenings and the nights.

   ‘I wish you had more time to concentrate on your thesis,’ said Doyoung.

   ‘It’s cool,’ Jaehyun shrugged. ‘At least I work in the library. I can spend half my time reading.’

   Doyoung threw back the comforter so that he could climb under it too. Jaehyun smiled when he saw that Doyoung was wearing one of his shirts. Jaehyun was much broader than Doyoung, a size or two bigger, so the shirt brushed down over his bare thighs. His form always made Jaehyun smile. He was delicate, but also _pointy_ – like he might break but also like he might do some damage.

   ‘What time are you meeting Ten and Yukhei tomorrow?’

   ‘Ten-thirty. I can’t wait.’

   This time tomorrow, Doyoung would have the keys to NCT’s office.

   Their first office.

   His first office.

   Jaehyun was so excited, probably as excited as him. He’d thought that returning to Seoul from New Haven would leave him feeling… lost. He’d always felt more at home when he was somewhere new than when he was somewhere familiar. But with Doyoung having one of the biggest milestones in his career barely a couple of days after they’d got back, and their anniversary coming up not long after, his mind was so preoccupied that he’d almost forgotten all about America.

   ‘I can’t believe you’re going to your _office_. I’m so proud of you babe. You’re a real businessman now,’ Jaehyun exhaled.

   ‘I’m a developer. Ten is the businessman.’

   ‘And Yukhei?’

   ‘Yukhei is the people-person,’ said Doyoung, with a small smile. There was a moment of quiet, and then he spoke again. ‘Can you believe that a few months ago it seemed like we’d lost everything, and now suddenly we’re moving into our offices?’

   ‘I believe it. It’s all your hard work.’

   Doyoung shifted sideways and settled against Jaehyun’s chest as soon as he pulled the blanket back over them. Jaehyun propped himself up on one elbow and stroked his fingers gently into his hair.

   ‘Head still hurting?’ he asked, his thumbs rubbing circles into his temples.

   ‘Mm. No more long-haul flights for a while, please.’

   Jaehyun kissed one temple, then the other. ‘Your wish is my command. I hate it when you’re not feeling good. I wish I could take out all your pain and put it in myself instead.’

   While Doyoung might be a little cute when he was sick and slightly grumpy, Jaehyun hated it. He got sick way too often. It was because he worked too hard, Jaehyun was sure, but he also just seemed weak in the immune system. Whenever colds or flu were going around, Jaehyun never got sick, but Doyoung _always_ did.

   These days, when that happened, Jaehyun could wrap him up in blankets and make him hot soups. In the back of his mind, though, thoughts of the past rose to the surface and he started to worry about who had taken care of Doyoung before he was around. Who had taken care of him at boarding school when his parents left him alone there?

   Ten and Yukhei.

   It was okay. He’d always had Ten and Yukhei.

*

   The office that the three of them were renting was on the cheaper side of the business district, but it was still very much _the business district_. There were law offices and accountancy firms and then, right there on floor 3 of a narrow, tall building squeezed between two more showy ones, NCT. Doyoung stroked his fingertips over the little hand-written card on the keycode buzzers.

   ‘NCT.’

   ‘That’s your company, Doyoungie,’ Jaehyun whispered. He wrapped his arms around him tightly from behind with his chin on his shoulder. ‘Your company office.’

   They went to visit it together for the first time in the evening, a few hours after Doyoung had come here with his friends.

   The rickety stairwell that led up to the higher floors was dark, and mildly dingy, but Doyoung didn’t seem to care, taking the steps two at a time and pulling Jaehyun by the hand in excitement.

   ‘Ten wants to get a plaque for the door,’ he said when they reached the third floor and he slotted the key into the lock.

   Jaehyun nodded, peering around as Doyoung let him in.

   The office was really just that. _An_ office. There was a kind of glass divider that separated it into two rooms, but it wasn’t hugely spacious.

   ‘Our employees will work here,’ Doyoung explained, climbing over a chair that had fallen on its side and walking through to the second part of the office. ‘And Ten and Yukhei and I will work in here.’

   ‘Your employees?’ Jaehyun grinned, as he looked around. It was a small room, already crammed with three desks. ‘It’s weird to think you’ll be someone’s boss.’

   ‘Well hopefully Yukhei and Ten will give most of the orders,’ said Doyoung, sitting down on one of the chairs. Jaehyun sat back against the desk. ‘But I’m going to have to choose a full-time development team at some point. It scares me. I don’t like giving up control but I can’t do it all myself and what if the people I hire can’t do it right?’

   Jaehyun took his hand and laced their fingers together. ‘No one will be able to do what you do exactly how you do it, Doyoungie, because you’re the only person in the world with your mind. But there are loads of great people out there and I know you’ll choose the very best and hopefully they’ll bring some really cool ideas to the table too. This is what happens when you get really successful. One day, you’re not gonna be on the third floor, you’re gonna be up in the top floor corner office, with _Global Chief_ or something on your door, and you’re going to have development teams in half the major cities on the planet. You’re going to be the boss of all of them.’

   ‘I wonder how much longer?’ Doyoung mused. ‘I hope it’s soon.’

   ‘You’re only twenty-one, Doyoungie. There’s still time to enjoy college before you go away and become one of the most successful people in the world.’

   He meant that.

   He’d always been attracted to Doyoung’s ambition, but he’d be lying to himself if he said that it didn’t worry him sometimes.

   Doyoung had gone straight from boarding school, a stifling environment, to this business-college amalgamation that offered him no time to breathe either. He was living the lives of two people at once, physically, and about a hundred in his head. Jaehyun knew that he had that creeping fear of mortality, that he was paranoid that if he didn’t create everything he wanted to create _right now_ it would be too late, but every once in a while he wished that he would take a step back and enjoy the simple things, the fun things. He deserved happiness as much as success.

   Jaehyun just prayed that he would always be able to bring him happiness.

   Only happiness.

*

   ‘I’ve never seen you look at anyone how you look at him,’ Jaehyun’s mom murmured. She was working on some sort of intricate embroidery piece, feet crossed on the table like a teenager. She’d never been the most _mom_ -looking mother in the world. Her hair was dyed pink and purple, piled up into a chaotic bun atop her head. Jaehyun knew that his family seemed unconventional to most people.

   ‘He’s my soulmate,’ he shrugged.

   ‘It’s like… when he’s here, there’s no one else in the entire world. You watch him all the time. You’re drawn to him like a magnet, all he has to do is brush his hair away from his eyes and you lean in to him.’

   ‘I do?’ Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. He wasn’t looking at her, eyes concentrated on the letter he was reading through, but his attention was on her words.

   ‘It’s beautiful. I never had that with…’

   ‘My father?’ Jaehyun suggested dryly.

   She pulled a face of disgust. ‘No, not with him. Not with anyone else either.’

   ‘When I’m with Doyoung, it’s like I found the half I was missing all my life,’ Jaehyun finally looked up. ‘Like I didn’t even know I _was_ missing half, but then now I realise how empty I was. He makes me whole.’

   They held each other’s eyes for a moment. Jaehyun was close with his mom – she was the first person he went to for advice, the one friend who wasn’t afraid to tell him when he was being an idiot. He’d gone to her house to borrow some art supplies to decorate the envelope of his anniversary letter for Doyoung, but as usual a casual dialogue had descended into something much more significant.

   ‘I know you’re worried,’ she sighed, ‘but love like that… everything will figure itself out.’

   ‘If I fuck things up with him, ma… I’m so scared I’m gonna hurt him some time. I just want him to be happy. I _need_ him to be happy.’    

   He’d shared things with her that he hadn’t shared with anyone else. There was no one else he _could_ talk to about Doyoung. They didn’t understand. He’d tried talking to his friends, but they couldn’t get a grasp on their relationship, on the subtleties about Doyoung that only Jaehyun knew. They didn’t understand that the way they were together was… different.

   His mom, though, at least knew _him_. She knew how anxious he was about making Doyoung feel secure, about the painstaking steps he took to try to help him rebuild the self-esteem that seemed to have been lost along the way. She knew about his worries for the future, about where they would live, about how their two very different life plans would find harmony together. She knew about his paralysing fear that he would ruin everything.

   ‘Son, you won’t screw things up,’ she said, taking his hand. ‘Why ever would you think that?’

   ‘Because it’s _in_ me, isn’t it?’ he answered in a whisper. His heart ached as he tried to drag out the fear that had been clinging to it for so long. ‘I’ll fuck things up just like dad, just like _grandpa_. The men in our family - ’

   ‘You aren’t like them, sweetheart,’ she said, very firmly. ‘You are a good person. You love him so much. You and Doyoung are going to be so happy, so happy _together_. Being a deadbeat asshole isn’t genetic.’

   ‘But - ’

   ‘Your father left me with nothing when I was eight months pregnant with you. _Nothing._ Would _you_ ever do that to a person? No, of course not. Because you’re good. You’re so good. I _promise_ you, whatever happens, your heart and your love will get the two of you through it.’

   Jaehyun nodded, swallowing down his worries. He didn’t talk about this kind of thing with anyone else. He didn’t talk about this kind of thing with _Doyoung_. He couldn’t. He knew it was bad – he _knew_ that the _I-want-to-travel-the-world-and-your-business-is-going-to-keep-you-right-here-in-Seoul_ conversation was going to have to happen some time, for one thing. But he couldn’t do it. No matter what he did, how clear he tried to make it to him that they were going to be together forever, it still only took a couple of poorly chosen words to make Doyoung fall into a panic that their relationship was over. His boyfriend was so logical, so fucking rational, except when it came to the personal side of his life. Numbers, math? Easy. Relationships, family? _Hard_.

   Jaehyun did his best. He really tried. He did his best to make him feel secure and he held things back even when they _hurt_ him because he couldn’t bear risking Doyoung’s mood when he was feeling stable. But it was a lot of pressure. It elevated Jaehyun’s fear of screwing up to new heights. The only things that filled his nightmares these days were scenes of the varying ways he could wind up hurting the one person he loved most.

   ‘Okay?’ his mom checked.

   He fiddled with his pen between his fingers as he nodded. Then, when he realised that she was holding his gaze for an answer, he nodded again. ‘Yes, yeah. I know.’

*

   ‘Surprise!’ said Jaehyun as he removed his hands from Doyoung’s eyes.

   Doyoung blinked, gaze flitting around the room.

   Jaehyun thought that he’d done rather well, getting his small studio ready for their anniversary. At first he’d thought about booking into a nice hotel with a view and champagne, but he knew that Doyoung wouldn’t really like that. Doyoung liked familiarity, the things he knew – he’d be far more comfortable and happy celebrating here. So Jaehyun had strewn fairy-lights across every surface, glowing LEDs in little red hearts, and he’d lit candles on the more stable furnishings.

   He’d tidied up, stacking his books neatly, and left nothing out apart from the dishes of dinner that he was ready to heat and the bottle of wine that they would share.

   ‘Happy Anniversary, babe,’ he breathed, and he pressed a soft kiss to his neck from behind.

   ‘You did all this for me?’

   ‘Of course I did. It’s two years, Doyoungie. The best two years of my life.’

   ‘Happy Anniversary,’ said Doyoung, swallowing, and Jaehyun saw the flicker of emotion in his eyes. ‘That is the strangest bouquet I have ever seen.’

   ‘Oh, oh yeah,’ Jaehyun laughed as they crossed to the couch and Doyoung examined the bundle of flowers he’d put together for him. ‘I wanted to get you a pretty one, and I was looking up all these flower meanings online but everywhere said different things, so in the end I just made a list of every single one that said _love_ and I put them all together in one.’

   ‘Thank you,’ Doyoung laughed, and he gave him his favourite smile. ‘I got you something too.’

   He held out a parcel from his bag.

   Jaehyun pulled away the impeccable wrapping in a second, flipping the boxset sideways to read all of the titles in sequence. It was a collection of books, with metallic embossed hardback covers. Classics, all of them. ‘Thank you,’ he said softly. He kissed Doyoung again, and Doyoung actually stood slightly on his toes so that they were more equal in height, gripping his shirt tightly in his fingers.

   Jaehyun didn’t share the letter that he’d written with him until late into the evening, when dinner was done and Doyoung had settled against him on the couch, flicking through one of the books that he’d bought for him.

   ‘For you,’ Jaehyun murmured. He placed the intricately patterned envelope into his free hand. He thought that he’d done rather well with his drawings.

   ‘I wondered what you’d write,’ Doyoung said happily as he looked over the details. Learning them, probably.

   When he flicked open the envelope, Jaehyun swallowed, more than a little nervous. He’d worked hard on this.

   ‘ _My Doyoungie_ ,’ Doyoung read aloud. He let his head fall all the way back against Jaehyun’s shoulder, holding the letter up over his face to read it. ‘ _I’ve written you many letters, shared with you many words, but sometimes I feel lost for what to say aloud because I still lose myself in your eyes._ ’

   Jaehyun looked down at those eyes, moving from side to side as he read.

   ‘ _It’s easier on paper, when I have the time to calm the beating of my heart and remind myself to breathe. After all, you still leave me breathless. I’ve searched for the words to say to you a thousand times. John Keats wrote to the love of his life: “My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you - I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again - my life seems to stop there - I see no further.” Since the day I met you, I’ve never once imagined a scene in which you are not with me. In the very truest sense of the phrase, you are my other half. You make up in equal part my soul, my heart. And a man cannot exist without half his soul, half his heart._ ’

   Doyoung blinked at the paper, lips parted.

   ‘ _When we are apart, my eyes ache in desperation as they search only for a glimpse of you. When we are together, I am complete. Sometimes I feel that it would be impossible for me to love you more, and then I wake up each day and I find you and I love you just a little more ardently than before. That you continue to love me back is the only gift this world has left to give me for all my days. Yours always, Jae._ ’

Jaehyun watched him reread the letter once, twice, three times.

   Then, Doyoung turned in his lap and kissed him, long, hard, so passionately that he lost his grip on reality for a moment, concentrating on nothing but the feel of Doyoung’s skin under his fingers as he found a hold on his small waist, the heat of his body against him as Doyoung pressed so close that Jaehyun couldn’t even help the way that his body reacted. His heart raced, pulse thundering in his ear, every inch of him yearning to touch the love of his life.

   He’d spent so long _not_ doing that, but it still felt like the most natural desire in the world.

   ‘I love you,’ Doyoung breathed against his lips. ‘I want you.’

   Jaehyun kissed him, over and over, heart pounding. ‘I love you too.’

   ‘I want you Jae,’ Doyoung repeated as he climbed off him, one hand still hooked into the hem of his shirt and pulling him with him. ‘Let’s try it.’

   _Try it_.

   ‘Okay,’ Jaehyun nodded. His head felt utterly hazy with love. He couldn’t think what else to say, no matter how much of his life he spent caught up in words.

   It had been two years since the day they’d met, but the right words from Doyoung’s mouth still had the ability to leave him speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	11. Chapter 11

   “ _Let’s try it_ ” turned into a longer process that anticipated, if only because Doyoung had planned this a thousand times in his head. Every detail had to be perfect. With every variable that he had anticipated and accounted for in advance, the likelihood of disaster diminished. He felt fairly confident, so long as he could work through his steps.

   ‘You okay?’ Jaehyun smiled gently when he emerged from the bathroom. Doyoung had taken a long shower, followed by the delivery of an even longer pep talk to himself in the mirror.

   Doyoung nodded, and then he gave him a very genuine smile in return. This had been his suggestion for a reason. The prospect of finally, _finally_ reaching intimacy with his boyfriend filled him with equal part excitement and nerves, much like the sensation of butterflies before embarking on a particularly frightening-looking rollercoaster. Doyoung didn’t like rollercoasters, but he hoped he’d like this a _lot_ more. He crossed the room to where Jaehyun was sat on the end of the bed, and rested his hands on his shoulders.

   ‘I love you,’ he said, if only because speaking might help him to exhale some nerves.

   ‘I love you too, Kim Dongyoung,’ said Jaehyun. His hands took Doyoung’s hips, pulling him a little closer, as he looked up with warm, loving eyes. ‘I love you more than anything in this world.’

   ‘Except books.’

   Jaehyun pulled a face of contemplation. ‘Oh no, I love you far more than books.’

   Even though he’d dropped his smile to replace it with a more serious look, Doyoung did feel the corner of his lips twitch at that. ‘Can we?’

   Jaehyun shifted back on the bed, pulling him with him. ‘Tonight, I’m your canvas, Doyoungie. You’re the artist. Just… whatever you want to do. Whatever you’re ready to do.’

   ‘You’ve always been the artist, not me,’ said Doyoung as he stepped onto the bed, crossing to Jaehyun on his knees and letting his boyfriend pull him very gently into his lap.

   ‘I don’t know,’ Jaehyun mused, ‘I’ve seen you create some pretty wonderful things from code and numbers.’

   ‘That’s less romantic,’ he breathed.

   ‘Well I find it _very_ attractive.’

   Doyoung lowered his face to Jaehyun’s and initiated a kiss, shuffling closer until their bodies were pressed against each other, legs almost wrapped around Jaehyun’s waist. It was a type of close that they’d never really been before, close enough that Doyoung could feel every minute movement in acute friction against him. He parted his lips, eager for Jaehyun to give him one of those passionate kisses, the ones that made him forget all his deep-set inhibitions and focus in on what made him feel good instead.

   And being as close as possible to Jaehyun felt good.

   Jaehyun stroked his tongue into his mouth with care, both arms around him until his hands were rubbing steadily up and down his waist. He thumbed gentle circles over his hipbones, lips curving definitely upwards when Doyoung shifted, pressing against him with more intent. Perhaps emboldened by the signals that Doyoung employed without words, Jaehyun broke his lips away and kissed instead down his jaw, then to his neck.

   ‘Can I take it off?’ he murmured.

   Doyoung nodded, his own fingers flitting down to fumble the lower buttons of his shirt as Jaehyun treated the top ones with a rather more delicate touch. He’d got dressed after his shower, in clean, neatly pressed pyjamas, like the illusion of composure would help his confidence.

   Jaehyun let go when the shirt fell open, and angled back to pull his own tee over his head in one fluid movement. He threw it aside, then met Doyoung’s eyes, a hand lifting to caress his face. ‘Beautiful,’ he said quietly, only into his eyes.

   Doyoung trailed his fingertips down Jaehyun’s chest, then he kissed him again because everything felt easier when they were kissing. He didn’t react as Jaehyun pushed the shirt from his shoulders and tossed that aside too, concentrating only on the feeling of the material brushing from his skin, replaced by Jaehyun’s hands splayed across his back, one reaching all the way up to stroke over the nape of his neck.

   Skin to skin, every touch felt loaded with electricity.

   ‘You still want to try this?’

   ‘Yes,’ Doyoung breathed without hesitation. He’d never felt more sure.

   ‘What do you want to do, Doyoung? Tell me,’ said Jaehyun. They were so close that his words tickled warmth over Doyoung’s lips. ‘Tell me what’s best for you.’

   ‘Can I touch you first?’ Doyoung swallowed. He’d planned this part, too. He knew what would feel easiest.

   Jaehyun gave him a smile. He sat back, as Doyoung untangled himself from his lap and rearranged himself to lean a little over his boyfriend as Jaehyun rested back against the pillows on his bed. Doyoung took a very deep breath, anything that would settle his rapidly thudding heart.

   Jaehyun had been all of his firsts – his first kiss, his first boyfriend, his first love.

   This was hardly the first time that Doyoung had been the inexperienced one. He knew that he’d have been inexperienced even compared to most people his own age, let alone someone five years older. He’d never asked Jaehyun in much detail about the people he’d dated before him, because he knew himself well enough to know he’d wind up feeling insecure about it, but he’d gathered some pieces. He knew that a few men had featured in Jaehyun’s life, at least two of which were significant. He knew Jaehyun didn’t date regularly, and that the idea of casual sex bored him, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that he’d slept with the boyfriends who’d made it semi-long-term.

   And Doyoung _was_ a genius, which meant he’d also stewed on this a little too much to be healthy.

   He didn’t want Jaehyun to think he was… bad at it.

   He knew that it was silly, that Jaehyun wouldn’t mind, just like he hadn’t minded his inexperience any other time, but it played on his mind.

   Jaehyun had been all of his firsts, and now he would be his _first_.

   ‘Okay?’ Jaehyun murmured.

   He nodded, then ran his hands slowly up Jaehyun’s legs, swallowing down his hesitancy and concentrating on how much Jaehyun _loved_ him, how much he wouldn’t care how faltering or nervy this might be. He squeezed at the muscle, allowing his thumbs to stroke at his inner thighs, still clothed and yet more intimate than he’d ever touched him before.

   Then, about three more deep breaths and he caressed over the front of Jaehyun’s sweatpants, linking back at the lips to conceal at least some of his blushing. The soft material didn’t leave much to the imagination. He stroked him again, then again with distinctly more purpose, and Jaehyun broke back from the kiss with a sigh, eyes falling closed.

   That made a flutter of something course through Doyoung’s navel.

   That was him. He did that. His confidence spiked.

   He latched a kiss to Jaehyun’s neck, and applied his new-found daring. He pushed his fingers past his waistband and took him into his hand, smiling against his skin when Jaehyun’s breath skipped slightly. Doyoung kissed down his sternum, then down the smooth line of his abdomen sculpted between muscle. ‘Can I?’ he murmured, breath right on the trail of hair from his navel. He wondered, for a fraction of a second, how many more times they’d use those words tonight.

   Always checking.

   ‘Yeah… yes,’ Jaehyun said heavily, his voice sounding thick.

   Doyoung closed his eyes for a moment, just to focus himself. This part, he’d imagined so many times. One of his fantasies. One of his _main_ fantasies. He concentrated on the fantasy, in which he was so confident, not at all shy or inexperienced or nervous.

   _Okay._

He freed Jaehyun’s cock, taking barely a second to look at it before closing his lips around the tip because any pause would be time in which doubt could creep in.

   ‘ _Fuck_ ,’ Jaehyun groaned.

   That part featured in the fantasy.

   Doyoung teased his tongue around, and it took far less time than he’d expected to settle into the feeling of the weight in his mouth, the sharp taste that hit his tongue when he took in more of him and Jaehyun noticeably twitched. Perhaps he’d imagined it enough, _visualised_ it enough, that he’d succeeded in convincing his brain that he’d done this before.

   ‘Shit, babe – baby,’ Jaehyun exhaled. His fingers worked into Doyoung’s hair, not gripping tightly, not directing him, but just laced there for reassurance.

   Doyoung pulled off for a moment to remind himself to breathe, but he’d already taken him back between his lips again by the time that Jaehyun managed to choke out an ‘ _alright?’_ and he just hummed his assent around him, the vibration making Jaehyun’s hips kick up slightly.

   He started to establish a rhythm, bobs of his head, quickly finding which particular movements, which flicks of his tongue, made Jaehyun moan the most. He was smart, after all, and a remarkably quick learner. Prior to trying, he’d told himself that – that he’d figure things out quickly, concentrate on what worked and what didn’t and Jaehyun didn’t even have to tell him because he mastered it _fast_.

   It was easy.

   So much easier than he’d ever expected.

   It just felt natural, so natural that he could hardly believe why he hadn’t done it before.

   He took him a little deeper, far enough that there was a second of discomfort, and he dragged back to the tip, quickly deciding that he didn’t like that.

   ‘Doyoungie,’ Jaehyun moaned, and for the first time he gave the lightest of tugs to his hair and Doyoung pulled back without hesitation, anxious he’d done something wrong. ‘You still wanna go all the way?’ Jaehyun panted.

   When Doyoung met his eyes, he felt his own arousal ache just a little harder, because there was passion in Jaehyun’s eyes. It wasn’t so much the warm love that he was used to, but the furious gleam of _desire_. ‘Yes,’ he said automatically, body answering in equal measure as something low in his navel turned over.

   ‘Okay, okay,’ Jaehyun swallowed, the movement of his throat catching Doyoung’s eye. ‘Then we gotta stop that because it’s too good and there’s no way I’m gonna last.’

   Doyoung sighed in relief. A pink flush found its way to his cheeks. ‘Good?’

   Jaehyun stared at him with a look of disbelief. ‘Yeah, babe, yeah it was fucking _good_.’  

   The smile that shone on Doyoung’s face was akin to that when he figured out a particularly complex problem, or identified the bug in his software. Then he remembered he was supposed to be looking sensual, or as close to sensual as he could do, and he switched it out quickly for a bite of his lip.

   ‘I love you so much,’ said Jaehyun.

   Doyoung sat up, palming over the swell his mouth had abandoned, and edged back closer to him. ‘I love you too.’

   ‘What do you want to do?’

   Doyoung looked at him, trying to remember his plan because all of a sudden he felt somewhat hazy, still caught up in the thrill of what he’d already done.

   ‘Do you want to top?’

   At that, Doyoung paused properly, taken aback by the abrupt question. ‘I – I don’t - ’ he gulped. He hadn’t really thought about that. He’d just assumed that Jaehyun wouldn’t want to try that way. And in his fantasy, the other was how he pictured feeling _best_.

   ‘If it’s easier for you,’ Jaehyun added. ‘I don’t mind. Either way is cool.’

   He shook his head. ‘Not this time. Maybe some time. But I already… I already did the other part.’

   There was a moment of silence, and then: ‘ _Oh_ , oh okay,’ Jaehyun said in surprise when he realised what he meant.

   Doyoung really had planned ahead. He had researched, like he researched everything, figured out which parts would be difficult for him, and then practised. He’d taken three goes at working himself open before tonight, so by the time he’d prepped himself in the bathroom, it hadn’t been so scary anymore. And it was one less thing he had to worry about.

   ‘You sure?’

   ‘Yep. Yes. You know me, Jae, I… I plan.’

   ‘You know, babe, the thought of you doing that…’ Jaehyun’s tongue toyed between his teeth for a moment. ‘It’s pretty hot.’

   Doyoung met his eyes. One of the things that had worried him about taking this step for so long was that he could never be sure whether Jaehyun found him appealing enough in that way. He knew his boyfriend found him interesting, and cute, but _hot_? Doyoung didn’t exactly consider himself the most sexually enticing person on the planet.

   ‘ _Really_ hot,’ Jaehyun added.

   Doyoung didn’t need to hear more, stretching over Jaehyun and reclaiming his lips again. His knee nudged between his legs, brushing against Jaehyun’s now neglected length, still hard and slick and making Jaehyun’s head roll back with a groan. Doyoung straddled him, jumping just a little when Jaehyun’s hands slid down from his waist to splay across his ass, grinding him down slightly.

   ‘Okay?’

   ‘Yes.’

   ‘ _This_ okay?’ Jaehyun’s index fingers edged below his waistband, but his thumbs continued to rub gently over the small of his back.

   Doyoung’s mouth turned dry, and his voice seemed to come out a little croaky. ‘Yes.’

   Jaehyun pushed down his pants slowly, with enough pauses that Doyoung wasn’t sure whether he was offering him the chance to tell him to stop, or teasing him with the restraint. Thankfully, the effect was more the latter, because Doyoung found himself wanting to tell him to go _faster_ , not to stop. His skin felt hot, very hot, and the butterflies in his stomach had turned to sparks a little lower, which made his breath hitch each time Jaehyun moved his hands.

   He sat up, balancing one hand on Jaehyun’s bare knee as he kicked the layers away, the last piece of _something_ that he’d always kept between them. And then he settled back on his lap, Jaehyun adopted a more upright position so that he could wrap his arms around him and kiss him lightly.

   ‘You’re so beautiful, Doyoungie,’ he breathed. ‘The most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.’

   Doyoung buried his face into Jaehyun’s neck in embarrassment. ‘Can we turn the lights down a bit?’ he said shyly, voice muffled.

   ‘Yeah, yeah of course,’ Jaehyun answered quickly. He angled back, one hand still on Doyoung’s waist, and fiddled with the lamp on his nightstand, switching off the main light. ‘Better?’

   Doyoung nodded. With the room lit by a smaller, orange glow, without the exposure of full light, he felt distinctly less self-conscious.

   ‘You _sure_ you still want to do this, love?’ Jaehyun murmured.

   ‘Definitely.’

   ‘You tell me the second you want us to stop, okay?’

   He nodded one more time.

   Jaehyun craned back again to fumble in the drawer of his nightstand this time, returning with a small bottle of lube and a plastic wrapper.

  ‘I wasn’t the only one who prepared,’ Doyoung laughed softly, nerves re-entering his voice now. This was the part he’d worried more about.

   ‘Yeah, well we’ve been getting more and more handsy recently so I figured,’ Jaehyun smiled.

   Doyoung would have sung his thanks to any tune that Jaehyun asked just for the way that his boyfriend defused any tension in the room, kept things casual and talked-through and light, like it wasn’t such a big deal.

   ‘You know you don’t have to wear that, right?’ Doyoung nodded to the condom wrapper. ‘I’m a virgin and you got tested so - ’

   ‘Sure?’

   ‘Sure.’

   By the time that Jaehyun was stroking gently up his bare legs, then across his hips, Doyoung’s heart was pounding so hard that he thought it might break from his ribcage. Being touched was still so much harder than touching.

   But it was okay. He’d spent two years in Jaehyun’s arms, learning his touch so innately that he was sure he’d be able to tell the sensation apart from anyone else in the world if their hands so much as brushed. Jaehyun’s touch, _alone_ , he enjoyed.

   He let out something between a moan and a sigh when Jaehyun took him into his hand, sparks radiating through every nerve-ending. He nudged his face at the crook of his neck again, squeezing his eyes shut. It felt so good, better than anything he’d ever felt before, and every exhale left his anxieties behind in the expelled air.

   ‘God I love you,’ Jaehyun breathed into his ear, cheek against his, and Doyoung knew he was talking to settle him, remind him that he was okay, that he was with _him_. ‘You’re everything, Doyoungie, everything I’ve ever dreamed of. The only one I ever want.’

   Doyoung couldn’t quite find words in response – not when Jaehyun was working him up with a ring of his fingers, murmuring love, thumb teasing right over the part that made him gasp with careful persistence. ‘Jae-’ he choked.

   ‘I’m the luckiest guy in the world.’ Jaehyun kissed his temple. ‘So lucky to have you.’

   Doyoung would question that, certain that _he_ was the one who was luckiest, but he was occupied instead letting out a long moan, then a whimper when Jaehyun let him go and wrapped his arm around him instead, shifting him with a grip on his ass.

   ‘I got you, okay?’ Jaehyun whispered.

   Doyoung nodded, but he still flinched when two of Jaehyun’s slick fingers stroked over his entrance. He lifted his hips involuntarily, heart jolting, so sensitive to the unfamiliar sensation of having someone else do it, just when he’d got used to doing it himself.

   ‘I got you,’ he repeated.

   He settled back down, breathing in the familiar scent of Jaehyun’s aftershave that always hovered around his neck. His body relaxed once he had that to concentrate on. He knew he _needed_ to relax, or this wasn’t going to work.

   Jaehyun slipped two fingers inside him easily, kissing at his shoulder, scissoring them just enough to make Doyoung arch his back. He was glad that Jaehyun was doing it, even after he’d done half the work himself in the bathroom, because the last few minutes had increased his fear about potential _pain_ – Jaehyun’s length was a lot bigger than his fingers.

   ‘Real slow, okay?’

   ‘Okay,’ he said. His voice sounded steadier than he expected it to.

   Slow really was _slow_ , which was good because it gave Doyoung time to adjust to each sensation, every tiny movement. Jaehyun laid him down on his back as he went, holding his gaze in the dim light. With the warmth of his eyes to find his balance, Doyoung felt his heart finally slow to normal pace. His muscles relaxed, and then Jaehyun was inside him, bottoming out with a low groan, _finally_.

   Every second of waiting amounted to the singular moment when Doyoung realised they were _connected_.

   ‘Alright?’

   ‘Good,’ Doyoung gasped. There hadn’t been the pain he’d worried about. Jaehyun had taken such loving care over every millimetre of him.

   ‘Love you,’ said Jaehyun.

   Doyoung wondered how many times he’d said that to him in the last two years.

   His breath shuddered when Jaehyun began to move, slowly to start but with increasing pace when Doyoung moaned aloud. At first, he linked their fingers together, pressing his hands to the mattress, but then he unlaced them and began to jerk him off again instead. Doyoung’s lashes fluttered.

   He’d always been hypersensitive to touch. But now, it was in the best way.

   It was like he and Jaehyun were one, like every feeling was shared. When Jaehyun reached a rhythm that made him start to gasp, Doyoung gasped too. When he stroked against the sweet spot inside him that made Doyoung moan, Jaehyun moaned too. They’d shared everything since the day they’d met, except this. And now they shared this too.

   ‘Jae – _Jae_ \- ’ When the sparks of pleasure became completely immersive and turned to desperate quiverings of his body, Doyoung squeezed his eyes fully closed. He came first – it was his first time, after all. He came with Jaehyun’s touch caressing over him, just to a point that he felt sated, not to the point where the sensitivity was too much. He kept up his pace for a second, the last moments of friction a memory that Doyoung would cling onto, but then pulled out, and Doyoung knew it was so to not overwhelm him.

   Doyoung was still moaning, Jaehyun’s name chasing from his lips like a chant.

   Jaehyun finished over him, a hand on his chest just across his heart. ‘Doyoung – ah – fuck - ’

   Hearing his name like that was another thing he’d never forget.

   Knowing that he had done that, for Jaehyun, for the one person who was his everything. He wasn’t sure he could ever feel anywhere lower than the skies after listening to that.

   It was done so fast that Doyoung wanted to go back and feel everything all over again. He knew, though, that they _could_. There’d be a next time, and a next time, and a next time.

   Jaehyun dropped next to him, breathing hot and heavy, and took his hand, a little messy but Doyoung didn’t care, not when he lifted it to his lips and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

   It was a moment, a very long moment, before speech.

   ‘Was it okay?’ Jaehyun whispered, and Doyoung could hear that he was trying to steady his breathing to sound composed.

   ‘Better,’ he exhaled. ‘Jae it was better than okay.’

   ‘How do you feel? Different?’ Jaehyun added with a soft laugh.

   ‘Kind of,’ he frowned. If different meant _like his world had just flipped over and span at double speed on its axis_ , then yes. If different meant some _metaphysical transition that society had told him to expect after losing his virginity_ , then no, not so much. Mostly, he just felt hot, and dazed, and like he wanted to do that all over. ‘I feel… really good.’

   Jaehyun opened his mouth to say something, but Doyoung asked quickly:

   ‘How was it… for you?’

   ‘Incredible, Doyoungie, you were incredible. At least we found another thing we can add to the list of things you’re good at.’

   Doyoung buried his face into the pillow shyly. ‘Was it worth the wait?’ he mumbled.

   ‘Every second of it. I’ll wait another two years if I have to.’  

   ‘Absolutely not!’ Doyoung said quickly. ‘I’m not waiting again.’

   Jaehyun laughed, wrapping his arms around him and kissing his hair. ‘Good, because that was really fun.’

   ‘Where _do_ you think we’ll be in another two years?’

   Jaehyun narrowed his eyes, squeezing him gently. ‘Well, you’ll have graduated. I’ll be… not far from finishing my PhD. Maybe finished. We’ll probably be living in a proper house by then. Your business will be taking off, big time. We’ll be four years strong, even more in love than we are now.’

   ‘Even more?’

   ‘Every day, remember? It gets deeper every day.’

   Doyoung nodded, heart fluttering. He turned in Jaehyun’s arms. ‘You’re the only person in the world who gets me, Jae. Thank you for - for always waiting for me,’ he whispered, caught up by emotion.

   Jaehyun held his gaze, then pecked a quick kiss to his lips. ‘Happy Anniversary.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hi! I’m sorry I’ve been gone for a while, but I’ve been really busy recently and I’ve had a couple of Christmas fics that I wanted to get done, but I’m back with a new chapter! I want to tag a small CW/ onto this chapter for references to pretty toxic behaviours (not by the protagonists of course), unhealthy unbalanced relationships, just so that you can be prepared for discussion of that kind of thing.  
> I hope that the wait wasn't too long! I was so stunned by your feedback to the last chapter because I was quite nervous about the first smut scene! Thank you so much <3 xx

**April 2008**

   Doyoung straightened his bowtie as he examined himself in the mirror, fingers a little nervous on the silk. They shook just for a moment, never left to worry for long, before Jaehyun’s settled over them, and he rested his chin down on his shoulder.

   ‘You don’t have to come if it makes you nervous,’ he murmured. ‘I’ll understand.’

   ‘I want to come.’ Doyoung cleared his throat. ‘It’s important to you.’

   Jaehyun tilted his face a little and then touched a quick kiss to his cheek. ‘Thank you.’

   The dinner had probably come at a bad time, but Doyoung hadn’t let that linger on his mind when he’d agreed to go with Jaehyun without a second of hesitation. Jaehyun had been invited to a very important history faculty dinner, the sort of dinner and reception that wasn’t usually open to the post-grad students, but over the last few months people had started to _talk –_ talk about his thesis. That didn’t surprise Doyoung – he’d known from the moment he’d read the first outline that Jaehyun was writing at a level way beyond his years, and _way_ beyond the material that was actively being published.

   The bad time meant that the dinner had come squarely in the couple of weeks before Doyoung’s exams started, the third-year exams that counted for so much, and _right_ in the middle of a phase for NCT that meant rapid expansion and endless phone-calls about manufacturing.

   But Doyoung wasn’t too busy to support his boyfriend.

   He would never, in his life, be too busy to support his boyfriend.

   ‘You look… _very_ handsome,’ Jaehyun smiled, meeting his eyes in the mirror. ‘Were you always this handsome? You look more lovely than ever.’

   Doyoung fought the urge to roll his eyes. ‘You tell me.’

   Jaehyun hummed in consideration. ‘I think you probably _were_ always this handsome. But I just get a little worked up whenever you wear a suit.’

   ‘Worked up?’ Doyoung turned in his arms, allowing Jaehyun’s chin to slide from his shoulder with theatre, and raised his eyebrows. ‘You’re going to struggle once NCT reaches the stage where I have to wear a suit every day.’

   ‘Oh Doyoungie, that’s what I’m looking forward to.’

   Doyoung looked down as he shook his head, well aware that his cheeks had likely turned pink because he could feel the heat. He took Jaehyun’s hands and turned them over, brushing his thumbs along the lines of his index fingers. He looked back up and met Jaehyun’s eyes. ‘Do you know why we leave the shirt cuff showing?’

   ‘To show off the cufflinks?’ suggested Jaehyun, with the distinct air that he thought he’d got the right answer.

   ‘Not quite. It was because suits used to be so expensive that replacing them just wasn’t possible for most people. So they wore the shirt sleeve slightly longer to prevent the jacket cuff fraying – shirts were much more easily replaceable.’

   Jaehyun held his gaze. ‘You know what’s even more attractive than seeing you dressed to the nines? Seeing you dressed like this while you teach me things.’

   ‘Stop it!’

   ‘Stop what?’ Jaehyun winked.

   ‘Complimenting me,’ said Doyoung as butterflies fluttered in his navel.

   ‘Never,’ Jaehyun breathed against his ear. Then he stepped back and glanced around for his phone, wallet, keys. ‘I’m actually kind of nervous,’ he said after a second. ‘I’ve never been to something with _this_ many people high up in my field.’

   Doyoung nodded. ‘I know, Jae, but they’re all going to be in awe once you start talking about your research.’

   ‘We’ll be the youngest people there,’ Jaehyun laughed softly.

   ‘That’s because you’ve achieved so much so young,’ he said, lacing their fingers together to hold his hand tightly.

   ‘You’re… not doing too bad either.’

   ‘No, I’m not,’ Doyoung agreed, tone light.

   A few weeks earlier, he’d found himself with a paycheque so heavy that he hadn’t known what to do with it.

   Always anxious about the future, he had ended up enlisting Ten’s help in finding a good investment. Yukhei had used his to cap off the savings he’d been garnering to throw at a new car. Ten had, for the first time since Doyoung had known him, kept a fraction of his own paycheque for himself. A fraction, but cash nonetheless.

   ‘Okay, you ready?’ Jaehyun said with a deep breath.

   Doyoung nodded, even though he wasn’t really sure. He still wouldn’t call himself a people-person. He was getting better at it, though, he thought. He’d had to meet a _lot_ of people for NCT, and he’d learned how to introduce himself in all the right ways to prompt a certain degree of conversation, while quickly offering himself an escape route if he needed it.

   The escape route was usually Yukhei taking over the conversation.

*

   The dinner went well.

   How could it not?

   Apparently everyone in the world, or at the very least in the niche world of Korean historians, wanted to know _everything_ about Jaehyun. He was, it seemed, the talk of the college. 

   ‘That makes two of us,’ Jaehyun laughed in a whisper when Doyoung pointed this out to him as they made their way around the reception.

   Doyoung smiled. It was nice not to be the centre of attention for a change.

   Not that people didn’t want to talk to him too. Jaehyun introduced him proudly to everyone, to the professors who had taught him during his undergraduate degree, and to his thesis advisor, who Doyoung had been wondering about for a good couple of years.

   She was slightly awkward, perhaps even less inclined to social gatherings than Doyoung, but kind enough.

   ‘Have you met Dr Park? You must have done…’ she said, as she nodded to another stranger to Doyoung who came over with a broad smile and greeted Jaehyun like an old friend.

   ‘Ah yes, we’ve met a few times, though we’re in rather different fields now. I taught Jaehyun in his… was it second year?’

   Jaehyun nodded. ‘Second year, Goryeo Dynasty.’

   ‘I was thrilled to hear about your research – I always knew you had it in you. You were astute far beyond your years even then.’

   ‘Thank you, sir,’ said Jaehyun, and Doyoung smiled. It was most unusual to see Jaehyun looking almost _shy_. This reception was the company which he held in esteem, who he looked up to.

   ‘I must introduce you to someone.’ The professor glanced over his shoulder. ‘Carter? _Carter_!’

   Jaehyun’s head snapped up so fast that Doyoung thought he’d better be careful not to give himself whiplash.

   The professor beamed as someone detached themselves from another group and crossed over to them. ‘Jaehyun, this is Dr Carter Heo.’

   ‘No need, no need! We’ve met,’ the man smiled before Jaehyun could even open his mouth. He had a strong American accent, but his Korean was perfectly fluent. Korean family, American schools, Doyoung suspected. ‘What a special surprise to run into you here, Jaehyun! How long has it been? _Years_ , I suppose?’

   ‘I guess,’ said Jaehyun. Doyoung glanced at his boyfriend, narrowing his eyes. Already, Jaehyun’s head wasn’t up anymore, like he’d looked away quickly, gaze fixed instead on the glass in his hand. Then he looked up only to share a look with Doyoung. ‘This is Dr Carter Heo, Doyoung. He’s… he’s a historian. We knew each other a long time ago.’

   Doyoung had never heard Jaehyun like this – quiet, monosyllabic, speaking out of rhythm as though he couldn’t quite get his breathing pattern to stick to normality.

   Doyoung examined the stranger. He was tall, taller than both of them, and a lot older, though he had the aura of someone who tried very hard to look younger than he was. He was surely a professor – he looked like half of the guys who lectured in Doyoung’s department, too. He also had one arm wrapped around the waist of a woman, though he didn’t share her so much as a glance. She looked considerably younger than him.

   ‘Dr Heo, this is Kim Dongyoung,’ Jaehyun cleared his throat, finally forcing his eyes to this _Dr Heo_. Doyoung had two and a half _years_ of experience with reading Jaehyun’s face, and he could see the wall that he’d put up. His expression was quite natural looking, neutral to the untrained eye, but the corners of his lips were tensed enough to give him away. ‘My partner.’

   ‘Lovely,’ said Dr Heo, with a definite look of interest. Doyoung noticed that he didn’t take the time to introduce the girl he was with.

   ‘It’s nice to meet you,’ said Doyoung automatically, though he knew inside that it wasn’t quite _nice_ at all.

   ‘How long have you two been seeing each other?’

   Doyoung thought that was a rather odd question to ask in such an environment.

   ‘Nearly three years,’ said Jaehyun, and at this, finally, there was a hint of pride in his voice.

   ‘Impressive. Are you from the history department too, Mr Kim?’

   ‘Actually, he’s a student here. Computer science with math.’

   He turned back to Jaehyun. ‘How fascinating. I never would have imagined you with someone from that side of the campus. I can’t picture you talking about anything but history.’

   ‘Well Dongyoung knows a lot about history,’ said Jaehyun, and for the first time his voice sounded _hard_.

   There was an awkward, protracted silence, during which Doyoung wished that anyone, _anyone_ else from the party would come to make conversation.

   ‘Were you one of Jaehyun’s lecturers?’ he asked, because the silence was too painful.

   Dr Heo turned to him. ‘Oh, oh no,’ he laughed. ‘I’m only here because I was in the country for the week and a couple of old friends said that I should drop by the reception. I write books, _only_. No, I’m no teacher, though I’d dare say I taught Jaehyun a few things.’

   Doyoung glanced to his right, wondering whether he should conjure them a way out of the conversation because Jaehyun looked like he’d been slapped in the face by the words.

   Anxious, heart pounding, not knowing quite what to do, Doyoung stepped slightly sideways and rested an arm around Jaehyun’s back, rubbing gently, reassuringly, between his shoulder-blades. The man opposite, this _Dr Heo_ , wouldn’t be able to see it.

   But Jaehyun could feel it, which was what mattered.

   Because in two and a half years, Doyoung had never seen someone make his boyfriend so uncomfortable. And he didn’t like it. He didn’t like it at all.

   ‘I was doing some research in Seoul for a while,’ said Dr Heo when Jaehyun didn’t seem to be able to find a grip on words. ‘I usually work out of New York, but my area of research brought me here. Jaehyun had read my books – he was so _inquisitive_. He contacted me, wanted to talk history, and I agreed. I was surprised. He already had such a strikingly penetrative mind. We met up a few times, talked through every tasty detail of the empire.’

   ‘And then Dr Heo went back to New York,’ Jaehyun said flatly.

   The man opened his mouth to say something, but Doyoung, for once, got there first. He wasn’t usually the type of person to cut across someone. But he wasn’t going to allow this man one more moment of his boyfriend’s precious time.

   ‘Can we… get some air, Jae?’ he asked in a quiet voice. ‘It’s very hot in here.’

   ‘Yeah, _yes_ ,’ Jaehyun said quickly, relief evident. ‘Yeah. Excuse us.’

   Dr Heo’s lips twitched into a smile. ‘It was nice to see you again, Jaehyunnie. We should meet up some time, swap research?’

   Jaehyun looked at him, their eyes held for long enough that Doyoung bit his lip nervously. ‘Maybe.’ Then Jaehyun turned and put his arm around Doyoung’s shoulders, walking them away so rapidly that Doyoung had to be careful not to trip over.

   _Maybe not,_ though, was the message that hung behind in the air.

   They really did go outside, way outside, outside far enough that Jaehyun finally let him go only when they reached the cover of another building nearby. He inhaled sharply, too sharply to be providing enough air because he actually had to hold himself up against one of the columns, swallowing down oxygen with a desperation as though he’d never be satiated.

   ‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Doyoung murmured, and he stroked a hand into his hair.

   ‘I’m sorry.’ Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut. ‘I’m sorry.’

   ‘It’s fine, Jae. Let’s go home.’

   Jaehyun shook his head. ‘ _Fuck_ I don’t want to let him think he’s got to me.’

   ‘Whatever he is to you, Jae, he doesn’t… you don’t have to _prove_ anything to him.’

   He knew full well what this guy was to Jaehyun, it was written all over his face. But he shoved his own anxiety to the back of his brain for five minutes, ignoring the turn in his stomach at the thought that he’d just talked to one of the few people that Jaehyun had ever let into his world. He kicked away the feeling of inadequacy that had risen inside him when he had realised that person was probably double his age, and a seasoned, intelligent academic.

   None of that mattered, not when Jaehyun looked like this.

   ‘Carter Heo is a - ’ Jaehyun gritted his teeth but the anger didn’t quite reach his eyes – he looked… in pain, more than anything. ‘ - is a manipulative fucking creep with an engorged God-complex. Seoul will be better off once he does us all a favour and fucks off back to New York.’

   ‘Let’s go home my love,’ Doyoung whispered, running his fingers gently down his cheek. It wasn’t very often that he was the one to initiate contact, to throw out pet-names, he just wasn’t the most _outwardly_ affectionate person. But sometimes, very occasionally, he did. When he needed to. ‘It’s late. We already talked to everyone. You don’t need to put yourself back – back in that situation.’

   His heart twinged. They’d been so intrinsically knotted together, his soul with Jaehyun’s, for so long, that he _hurt_ when his boyfriend hurt. Finally, Jaehyun nodded. ‘Okay.’

   Doyoung took his hand, interlinking their fingers tightly. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked, even though inside _he_ didn’t want to talk about it.

   Jaehyun looked down as they started to walk. ‘We - ’ he swallowed. Then – ‘Not really, no. Is that okay? Can I… can I not talk about it?’

   ‘Sure,’ Doyoung nodded. ‘Of course.’

   Doyoung had spent two and half years talking to Jaehyun. There were very few things that he didn’t know about him. He had a fairly comprehensive knowledge of his life, a timeline in his head. The things that still came out now were usually small anecdotes, or tiny details that they couldn’t believe they hadn’t discussed before, like Jaehyun’s favourite TV show when he was kid, or some stupid story from school.

   Carter Heo wasn’t a small anecdote, a tiny detail. He was something that Jaehyun had kept locked away, a chunk of his life that he’d spent two and a half years consciously not discussing.

   He knew about Jaehyun’s first boyfriend – his high school sweetheart. They’d had that conversation a few weeks earlier. He knew that they’d met at fourteen, that they’d even gone to the same college together, but that they’d realised that they’d started to grow apart as people during their time there and split up pretty amicably. He knew about a couple of shorter-term boyfriends, the sort that had flitted into his life for a couple of months.

   But he didn’t know about this one.    

   Suddenly, Doyoung felt himself reverting to type. He wanted to get home. When he was anxious, he wanted to be in the places he felt secure, of which there were two: the room he still shared with Ten, and the room he pretty much shared with Jaehyun. He didn’t like going out, he liked being _in_ , and he’d got better and better at it but now he just wanted to be there, enclosed in four walls, locking away the outside.

   It felt like a lifetime before he could finally close the door of Jaehyun’s studio behind them and settle back against it, heart thudding a drum against his chest.

   Jaehyun crossed to the sofa and slumped down immediately. Doyoung took a deep breath. He didn’t know how to look after Jaehyun. Jaehyun was usually the one who looked after _him_.

   ‘Jae?’ he murmured, walking to the back of the couch and wrapping his arms gently around his chest. ‘Jae do you need anything? What can I do? Please tell me what I can… what I can do.’

   Jaehyun rested back until his head was against Doyoung’s shoulder, eyes closed. ‘I’m sorry I freaked out in there. I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry.’

   Doyoung frowned. ‘Hey, hey you didn’t do anything wrong.’

   ‘I don’t want you to think - ’ Jaehyun swallowed. ‘I don’t want you to feel like I’m – like I’m still - I just never thought I’d have to see him again.’

   ‘I don’t.’ To his surprise, when he said it, he meant it. Once upon a time, he’d been so insecure, so worried about his own shortfalls, that their relationship had felt on a tenterhook all the time inside his head. These days, though, he didn’t feel it. He knew that Jaehyun loved him, that they were going to be together forever, that just because he’d got uncomfortable around his ex, didn’t mean he harboured some kind of residual attachment to him.

   Doyoung knew Jaehyun, and he knew that the way Jaehyun had reacted at the party had been _nothing_ to do with attraction.

   ‘Jae, I promise, I’m fine. I’m just worried about you.’

   ‘Don’t worry about me,’ Jaehyun said gently, and his face transformed. He sat up, eyes warm, face calm, back straight. ‘Please, never ever worry about me. I’m fine. I was just… it took me by surprise. But I’m fine.’

   ‘You don’t always have to be fine,’ Doyoung whispered.

   Jaehyun stood up and stretched out. ‘You want anything to eat before we sleep?’

   Doyoung shook his head, forehead knotted. He just wanted Jaehyun to talk to him. And he didn’t. He wanted to know but he didn’t want to know.

   He was confused.

   But Jaehyun, as though horrified at the thought that he might have made Doyoung worry, was moving around the room with purpose, as if nothing had happened.

   It was only when he pulled Doyoung to bed, saying something banal about work at the library, that Doyoung pressed the note he’d written while Jaehyun had been changing to his chest.

   Jaehyun’s eyes glanced across it.

   _You don’t always have to be fine._

  He looked down, folding the paper slowly between his fingers. He didn’t say anything, just climbed into bed like always and said something else light-hearted. Doyoung didn’t even hear it, distracted.

   When Jaehyun turned the light out, Doyoung didn’t even close his eyes, looking into the darkness. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, not when he kept thinking about the creep who’d made Jaehyun hurt like that. He kept picturing his face, and he kept picturing _Jaehyun’s_ face when he’d said the stuff he’d said.

   Minutes moved, but Doyoung knew that his boyfriend wasn’t asleep. He could tell by his breathing pattern.

   He wondered whether he should say something, whether Jaehyun was lying awake with his eyes open too, _hoping_ he’d say something.

   Then –

   ‘I was obsessed with Carter’s work when I was an undergrad. We met when I was… twenty?’

   Doyoung turned, but he couldn’t make out much of Jaehyun’s face in the dark.

   ‘I thought he was the most _insightful_ mind in the world. I was a star-struck idiot. Naïve and stupid and…’

   Doyoung’s heart pounded against his chest. He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t seem to make his voice cooperate.

   ‘I’d just broken up with my first boyfriend, and I guess I was feeling… well you can guess how I was feeling. And then _he_ swooped in and made me feel _interesting_ and _special._ He made me feel intelligent. I could hardly believe that someone so accomplished, someone so extraordinary, could possibly be interested in _me_. I really thought he liked me. I thought he _loved_ me.’

   Doyoung felt sick. ‘Jae - ’

   ‘But he didn’t. He used me until he was bored, and then he threw me aside like I was worthless.’

   ‘Jae - ’ he tried again.

   ‘It was so many years ago. I didn’t tell you about him because I didn’t think I’d ever _have_ to think about him again.’

   ‘It’s okay,’ Doyoung murmured. ‘Jae I’m sorry. I’m sorry that happened. I’m so - ’

   Jaehyun took a shaky breath that was audible in the silence of the room. ‘I moved past it. And now I’m happy, I have _you_. I’m the luckiest man alive. And I don’t even think about _him_ anymore. Ever. I don’t think I’d thought about his name in months until tonight. And it just… caught me off guard. I’m sorry I worried you.’

   ‘I just want you to know that you can always talk to me,’ Doyoung whispered. ‘I know I seem fragile, like I’ll fall apart, but I’m not. I’m a lot stronger than I used to be. You don’t have to keep everything locked away inside.’

   Jaehyun inhaled slowly, and then shifted onto his side so that he could wrap an arm over Doyoung’s waist and rest his face to his chest.

   ‘Why don’t we get away for the weekend?’ Doyoung murmured, even though offering to leave his proverbial safe-place by choice was not something he did very often. ‘I don’t have to be in Seoul to study. You don’t have to be in Seoul to write. We can drive somewhere, somewhere _way_ out of the city. We’ll book a hotel.’

   Jaehyun looked up at him, the sparkle in his eyes just visible from the tiny strips of light that made it past the curtains. ‘Really?’

   ‘Yes. Let’s go. In the morning.’

   ‘Thanks, Doie,’ Jaehyun whispered.

   Doyoung stared up at the ceiling after that, running his fingers slowly through Jaehyun’s hair.

   Suddenly, things were beginning to make sense.

   He’d always thought of Jaehyun in relation to _himself_. He’d always imagined him being the older one, the mature one, the experienced one. In his mind, he’d always envisioned Jaehyun’s previous relationships to resemble _this_ one in fundamental terms. He’d never once considered the other possibility.

   He’d never thought about _Jaehyun_ being the younger one.

   He narrowed his eyes, thinking about every treasured step in their relationship that he kept neatly filed in the positive side of his memory. It made more sense, now, why Jaehyun had always been so gentle, so patient, so understanding – why he’d agonised over treating him right and asked him twenty times a day if he was okay.

   Doyoung had been lucky. Just like his boyfriend he’d been young, naïve, and maybe a little enamoured, but _he’d_ had Jaehyun. He tried to imagine what would have happened if he’d fallen for someone like _Dr_ _Heo_ instead. His stomach turned over.

   He already knew that meeting Jaehyun in the library on his _very_ first day had been the luckiest day of his life, that fate had chosen to be kind to him.

   Now, it seemed even a little kinder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	13. Chapter 13

   ‘Do you remember when we didn’t do this?’

   Jaehyun kissed a line up Doyoung’s spine, lips barely brushing his skin, but he started to smile. ‘I… vaguely recall.’

   ‘I can’t believe I waited so long.’ Doyoung frowned at the wall as he spoke, chin settled on his crossed arms. ‘I’m sure I didn’t _need_ to.’

   Jaehyun laughed, and kissed the knot at the base of his neck. ‘You weren’t ready. Retrospect is a deceptive thing, but you weren’t. Trust me, I was there.’

   Doyoung propped himself up on one elbow, and reached a hand down the side of the bed in search of the books he’d left abandoned on the floor.

   ‘ _Seriously_?’ Jaehyun groaned as he rolled onto his back.

   ‘I really have to study.’

   The break had come about when Doyoung had naively agreed to studying _in_ the bed. Jaehyun was dangerously good at distracting him. But there weren’t many other places to study in the small hotel room they’d booked for a couple of days, well outside of Seoul, with a window that overlooked the waterway that cut through the small town they’d pitched up in.

   ‘Okay,’ Jaehyun shrugged, turning to look at him again. ‘It’s cool. I like watching you study.’

   Doyoung sat up, cross-legged, and pulled the sheets up around his waist with a sound that bordered on a _huff_. Then he nodded at Jaehyun’s shirt, hooked over the end-post of the bed. ‘This isn’t a spectator sport.’

   ‘Spoilsport,’ sighed Jaehyun, but he collected his shirt dutifully and wrapped it around Doyoung’s shoulders.

   ‘Besides, shouldn’t you be writing anyway? You’re going to have to start committing a _lot_ more time to work if you want to submit your thesis next year,’ Doyoung said lightly as he did up the buttons.

   ‘Don’t _remind_ me,’ Jaehyun lamented, flopping onto his back again. ‘It’s not going to be ready. I’m going to have to take another few months.’

   ‘Says who?’

   ‘Says my job combined with my teaching on the side combined with my word-count lagging like _fuck_.’

   Doyoung turned, looking serious.

   They joked, a lot, about Jaehyun’s work rate. Why? Because he often woke up in the afternoons, and regularly traded in study hours for days out, and talked as though he’d written two thousand words so far in all his years of research. But it was just that: _joking_. In reality, Jaehyun worked so hard that it stressed Doyoung out half the time. Doyoung was almost always the first in bed these days, but he couldn’t sleep when Jaehyun was still up at four in the morning at his desk.

   Doyoung didn’t want a doctorate. He’d thought about it, mainly because every professor he’d ever been taught by had tried to cajole him into advanced routes of study, but being with Jaehyun had left him with nothing but a _hard no_ on the subject. He couldn’t cope with that kind of workload. No way. Not with the business to think about too.

   Jaehyun was exhausted too often. Which was exactly _why_ he usually got up after midday.

   ‘You didn’t tell me you were struggling that much?’ he said, tone making it clear that he wasn’t messing around. ‘ _Jae_?’

   Jaehyun shrugged, like he always did, but Doyoung closed the book he’d only opened a moment ago and crawled over the bed to sit right beside him instead.

   ‘Tell me.’

   ‘It’s not where I want it to be,’ he muttered. ‘Not where I planned.’

   Doyoung brushed his hair back from his face and thumbed his forehead, brow knitted. ‘Well you don’t have to graduate next year. There’s not a deadline.’

   ‘Actually, there kind of is,’ he sighed. ‘My funding will - ’

   ‘Well money’s not a problem,’ Doyoung said automatically, before he could even finish, because every time Jaehyun talked about his funding it made his stomach turn. That was the _last_ thing he wanted him to have stressing him. ‘The company’s making nice profit. And I’ve been putting money aside for us.’ _For our house deposit_ , was the reality, but if the money went to Jaehyun’s PhD he’d be just as happy. ‘Don’t let that worry you, _ever._ ’

   Jaehyun looked down. ‘I really wanted us to graduate together.’

   ‘Hey, it’s okay. We’ll just get to go to _two_ ceremonies if we’re a year apart.’

   Jaehyun laughed, but he didn’t sound that committed. ‘Doie, I’m scared I’m burnt out.’

   Doyoung paused, surprised. _That_ , he hadn’t expected. ‘No, no you’re not. You just had a really bad week.’ He wanted to shudder _himself_ at the memory of the history reception. ‘And you’ve been working so hard. Too hard.’

   ‘I’m getting too old to still be in education.’

   ‘You’re not old,’ he rolled his eyes. ‘You’re practically a baby in the post-grad world. Look at how in awe of you everyone was from the faculty.’ He knew the anxiety, though. Usually, Jaehyun was the one talking _him_ out of it. He had a devastating fear of his own mortality. Everything had a deadline. And if he didn’t meet those deadlines? Disaster. Every day late meant time was running out. Sometimes he wished that he could be more like Yukhei, who was content to let life race by while he went to another party, yet still never fell behind because in all honesty the fear was irrational as anything. ‘Jae, if you’re really feeling burnt out… you need to talk to your supervisor. Take a break. We can spend the summer doing something else. Please don’t overwork yourself.’

   ‘I’m - ’ Jaehyun closed his eyes. ‘You’re right. It’s just a bad week.’

   ‘Talk to me if it’s getting hard,’ Doyoung whispered, and he leant in to ghost a kiss over Jaehyun’s lips. ‘Please. I’m here for you.’

   ‘I know. I know you are.’ Jaehyun rested his forehead against his. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you. My everything.’

   Doyoung felt his cheeks turn slightly pink as he pulled back.

   ‘Now, do you want me to test you?’ Jaehyun cleared his throat and took Doyoung’s book, opening it at a random page. Then he pulled a face. ‘You really read this kind of thing? It’s just… when did math go from numbers to letters?’

   ‘I would have thought that would be more up your street anyway,’ he shrugged in response.

   ‘You’re so smart, Kim Dongyoung,’ Jaehyun smiled. ‘When I look at this stuff, it reminds me. My boyfriend is a genius.’

   ‘So’s mine,’ said Doyoung. ‘But you don’t have to test me. You can relax. Take the weekend off. That’s why we left Seoul, right? To get away from everything.’

   Jaehyun held his gaze for a moment, then nodded and handed the book back to him, reaching around for a novel instead. He flicked it open to somewhere halfway through, the pages hanging dangerously on a tattered spine, and then took his glasses from the nightstand.

   For a moment, Doyoung couldn’t help but watch him. Glasses but no shirt? That was a look he enjoyed.

   ‘This isn’t a spectator sport,’ Jaehyun imitated casually, and Doyoung flushed before looking back at his own book.

   He had six exams coming up in the next few weeks.

   _Six_.

   Which made it the perfect time to not work at all.

   ‘Let’s go out!’ he announced, snapping the book back shut. ‘I’m getting cabin fever.’

   He wasn’t sure he’d ever suffered from cabin fever, quite the opposite, but he knew that Jaehyun would probably rather be outside.

   And he really did want to make him feel better.

*

   ‘Did you ever come to places like this growing up?’ Doyoung asked as they walked.

   The waterway was wide relative to the size of the town, and every once in a while a boat passed, quite different to the ones that passed along the Han River as it moved through Seoul. This whole place had an aura of… _fresh air_. It was one of the reasons why Doyoung agreed to leave the city whenever Jaehyun wanted to – because he remembered the feeling of clear, fresh air in his lungs and the feeling of freedom when there weren’t tall buildings overlooking him.

   ‘Sometimes,’ said Jaehyun. ‘My mom went through a landscapes phase so we travelled around for her work. We used to go to the beach a _lot,_ too. We’d drive down to the coast at the weekends. Did you?’

   Doyoung watched the water ripple in contemplation. ‘I was really into boats, for a couple of years when I was little, so my dad used to bring me to places like this when one of the vessels I was interested in was due to pass through. But we didn’t go to the beach.’

   ‘Really?’

   Doyoung laughed. ‘My mom tried, when I was small, but I hated it. I didn’t like the feel of the sand, and I was quite nervous about the water. I’d rather have been at a museum.’

   A lot of Doyoung’s childhood had been spent with his parents _trying_. First, they’d tried to expose him to outdoorsy things, the things that their friends took _their_ kids to do. Then, after varying levels of dislike ranging to disaster (including a moment when they’d tried to take him caving and he’d been too scared to talk _or_ walk to the point that his father had whisked him away back to an arcade instead), they’d tried to take him to all the things that they thought he _would_ like. That did mean museums, and historical monuments, and even once an archive, at which they’d pleaded with the receptionist to allow their eight-year-old inside because he _just wanted to look around and would be very well-behaved_.

   They’d tried very hard.

   For which he was grateful, even if it hadn’t always quite hit the mark.

   ‘What about once you were at your high school? I mean did they take the kids on trips, or…?’

   ‘Sometimes,’ he shrugged. ‘The school was situated just on the outskirts of Seoul, so it felt partially out of the city anyway. I didn’t like the trips much, because they always put us into groups and if I wasn’t grouped with Ten and Yukhei then it was the worst. The other kids didn’t like me, so I didn’t really like them either.’

   ‘They just couldn’t keep up with you babe,’ Jaehyun smiled, kissing his temple.

   ‘But every once in a while, Yukhei would perform a jailbreak.’

   At that, Jaehyun beamed, walking slightly backwards so that he could hold his hands and looked at him as he talked. ‘A _jailbreak_?’

   ‘He was quite the rebel at school – _twice_ they almost expelled him. He’d find this stuff, that he wanted us to do, in the city, and he’d sneak Ten and me out in the evenings with him. We’d catch the bus into the city and go to visit these places he’d heard about, and parties once we were older. I was so hot-housed at school that it… it wasn’t easy for me. But on those days, I felt like a normal kid. Yukhei always made the effort to find all these things to include me in.’

   ‘That’s because your friends have always known you’re so much more than your brain,’ Jaehyun sighed. ‘So if there was a school reunion, would you want to go?’

   ‘Nope. Although I’m sure Xuxi would drag me along. But you know school wasn’t good for me.’

   ‘No, no I know that,’ Jaehyun nodded.

   ‘ _Although_ there’s a certain attraction to the idea that I could show you off to all the people I used to know. I doubt they’d have thought I’d be lucky enough to wind up with someone like you.’

   Jaehyun laughed and shook his head. ‘Oh no, I’m the lucky one! Believe me.’

   ‘Besides, I saw enough of them having to sleep in dorms for years,’ he muttered.

   There was a momentary pause, during which they stopped to admire one of the bridges that they passed, but then Jaehyun spoke up. ‘So if we have kids, no boarding school?’

   Doyoung looked at him in surprise, lips parted. ‘No,’ he said when he managed to clear his head for a second. ‘Absolutely no boarding school.’

   Jaehyun hummed his assent, running his hand over the sculpture on one end of the bridge.

   Doyoung cleared his throat and swallowed twice before managing to put together the words: ‘you want that then? A family?’

   ‘Only if you do,’ Jaehyun shrugged, but there was a look in his eyes that said _God yes_. ‘One day.’

   ‘I’m not sure I’d be a very good father,’ Doyoung sighed. He chewed his lip as he spoke.

   ‘What are you talking about? You’d be _great_!’

   ‘What if they wanted to go to the beach?’

   Jaehyun took his hand again and locked their fingers together. ‘Then I would go with them. And you could take them to the museum after,’ he winked.

   As they walked further, Doyoung thought through the scenario. His heartrate seemed to have spiked slightly.

   Had fatherhood ever crossed his mind as an option?

   Of course not.

   Growing up, he hadn’t even considered the notion that he might find someone to spend the rest of his life with, because it just hadn’t seemed realistic. And even now he still thought of himself as a kid with so much to _do_ , with school and the business. The future seemed a long way off. But now that he thought about it, he supposed that it did rather fit in with his plans.

   Wasn’t it what he always talked about?

   Settling down with Jaehyun?

   For just a second, he tried to imagine how Jaehyun would look walking along with a kid, with _their_ kid, maybe taking them to school.

   He stopped, quickly, because the thought was overwhelming in warmth.

   ‘Anyway, all that’s ten years away at _least_ ,’ said Jaehyun, as though worried he’d scare Doyoung off with that kind of talk. ‘We’ve both got a whole load to do before we think about that sort of thing.’

   _Ten years?_

Well that seemed an awfully long time.

   Doyoung was struck by another image – the image of celebrating something like his _tenth_ anniversary with Jaehyun.

   It already felt as though they’d spent a lifetime together.

   He imagined how well he would know Jaehyun after _that_ long. Better than he knew himself, surely.

   ‘For one thing, I’ve got to get my doctorate,’ Jaehyun grinned.

   ‘I think you’ll manage it in ten years,’ whispered Doyoung, but his mind was still entirely distracted by visions of the future.

*

   He woke up on the morning they were due to drive back to Seoul, surprised to find that he was alone.

   For a second, his heart lurched, like it occasionally did still when he felt like Jaehyun had left him, even for a second. But then he felt across for the note on the pillow and relaxed, holding it up over his face.

   _Coffee for me. No coffee for you. But I hope you like pajeon._

He laughed and smoothed the note out with his thumbs. He wondered how long Jaehyun had been gone, but he found his side of the bed cold, so he hoped that meant he’d be back soon. They’d spotted a couple of nice street-food places on the main street of the town, so he figured that he had swung by there.

   _(I love you)_ was bracketed at the bottom.

   He wrote that on most of his notes, as if Doyoung might forget if he didn’t remind him.

   Doyoung sat up and yawned, eyes immediately drawn to the pile of books that he really hadn’t made a dent in over the weekend.

   But he didn’t regret that.

   He went to shower, first, hoping that Jaehyun would be back by the time he got out, but when he re-emerged, the room was still empty, so he sat down on the end of the bed. Eyes on the clock, he chewed nervously at his fingernails. He couldn’t figure out what was taking him so long.

   To stop himself biting down to the skin, he picked up one of Jaehyun’s discarded hoodies, a size too big for him, and pulled that over his head so that the sleeves covered his hands. He bundled himself up inside that, trying to calculate why it would take so long to find a coffee shop and a pancake stall.

   Just when he was starting to worry something had happened, the latch turned on the door to the room and he exhaled heavily with relief as Jaehyun crossed the threshold, balancing two drinks and two packets in his hands.

   ‘Morning, beautiful,’ he said, raising his eyebrows when he saw what Doyoung was wearing. ‘You stole my hoodie.’

   ‘It’s warm, and soft,’ Doyoung smiled, as though his heart hadn’t been pounding a moment earlier. ‘You were… a long time.’

   ‘Was I? Sorry. I didn’t realise. The queue was really long at the stall and I wanted to get you a nice drink too. Coffee for me, and pomegranate juice for you,’ he added with a smile as he held out the plastic take-out cup for him.

   ‘Thank you.’

   ‘Were you worried?’ Jaehyun frowned. ‘I left a note.’

   ‘Only that you’d fallen in the river,’ Doyoung laughed, but he was only half-joking. He looked down in embarrassment. He didn’t usually get worried just because Jaehyun disappeared for an hour.

   ‘I’m very careful near waterways, I swear,’ said Jaehyun as he sat beside him and gave him his breakfast pancake too. He kissed him gently on the cheek as he went.

   Doyoung nodded. He blamed the worry on stress, the exams in the back of his mind, some kind of latent anxiety. He’d never liked being left, but he’d thought it hadn’t been so bad recently. He hoped that it would go away once the exams passed. 

   ‘I got you the plainer one but we can swap half if you want?’

   ‘Thanks, but I’m good with simple,’ Doyoung smiled, and he crossed his legs. ‘Can I keep this hoodie?’

   Jaehyun strolled his eyes over him. ‘Sure. Looks cuter on you anyway.’

   Doyoung had quite a collection of Jaehyun’s clothes that he’d picked up over the years. He liked Jaehyun’s clothes because they reminded him of him when they were apart, and because his boyfriend favoured soft, comfortable materials.

   ‘I picked you something else up,’ said Jaehyun, and he pulled out his wallet. From within it, he picked out a small, round key-ring, marked with Doyoung’s initial, above the name of the town. ‘For your office keys.’

   Doyoung beamed. It was tiny, the sort of thing you could pick up from a stall anywhere, but he loved the little things that Jaehyun bought him. He had a collection of those, too, in the top drawer of his desk. ‘Thank you. Did you enjoy our weekend away?’

   ‘That I did,’ Jaehyun replied, and he looked genuinely happy, the memory of days earlier hopefully faded from his memory. ‘Thanks so much for suggesting we go. I really needed it. And I know you’re not the hugest fan of going away so it meant a lot.’

   Doyoung shrugged. ‘Well you know I never want to tie you down.’

   ‘When do you wanna check out? We’ve got to be gone by 11.’

   ‘Soon,’ said Doyoung with a sigh. ‘I _really_ need to study and I’ve got some stuff to go over with Ten and Yukhei as well. Ten’s going to Japan next week for a meeting and he needs me to talk through some blueprints.’

   ‘Ten’s going to _Japan_?’ Jaehyun said in astonishment. ‘But you guys have exams?’

   ‘Oh there’s always time for more work in Ten’s mind,’ Doyoung rolled his eyes. ‘He wanted Xuxi and me to go with him but for once we actually had to say no. He’s going to fit a two day trip in between exams four days apart.’

   Jaehyun exhaled with a whistle. ‘Rather him than me. Or _you_ , for that matter. I’m glad you’re not pushing yourself too far to the limit. Balance, remember?’

   ‘Balance.’

*

   Doyoung hated the part where he said goodbye to Jaehyun, even though he knew that he’d be just the other side of campus, and even though they had a library date planned in a couple of days. But for once, Doyoung really did need to detach himself to get some work done.

   ‘I love you,’ Jaehyun sighed, and then he held up two envelopes as he leant against the dorm door. ‘For tomorrow. And the day after. Since I might not see you.’

   ‘Notes in advance? You’re getting even more efficient. Any particular order?’

   He looked at the two envelopes, one blue and one red, and then held up the blue one. ‘Maybe this one first. But it doesn’t matter.’

   ‘Thank you for thinking ahead,’ Doyoung laughed, and then he buried his face into Jaehyun’s neck as his boyfriend pulled him into a hug.

   ‘Don’t let Ten talk you into Japan,’ he murmured before kissing the curve of his ear.

   ‘I won’t. I promise.’

   ‘Love you.’

   ‘Love you more.’

   When he closed the door behind him, the dorm felt strange. It always felt strange now when Jaehyun wasn’t with him.

   Ten was at his desk, hunched like a vulture, eyes flitting across his computer screen so rapidly that he didn’t even seem to notice his arrival, until Doyoung passed by with a small wave and he tore his eyes away long enough to greet him. ‘Hello, stranger.’

   ‘Hey.’

   ‘I’d almost forgotten what you look like. Which is… _horribly_ in love, by the way’

   Doyoung pulled a dismissive face. ‘Does it show?’

   ‘Just a little.’

   ‘Tennie, can we…’ he took a deep breath. ‘You’re the only person I can talk to because Yukhei will laugh but I have to share something or else I’ll explode.’

   Ten spun his chair around as Doyoung sat down on his bed. ‘I mean I don’t know where you’re going with this, but yes, Yukhei would probably laugh.’

   ‘Ten I want to spend the rest of my life with him.’

   The corner of Ten’s lips twitched ever so slightly towards a smile. ‘By which you mean Jaehyun, I assume, not Yukhei?’

   Doyoung wanted to snap something sarcastic back at him but he couldn’t because Ten smiled nowhere near enough and when he did, he would allow him those moments. ‘ _Yes_ , Jaehyun.’

   ‘Well that’s not news. Everyone knows you two are going to be together forever.’

   Doyoung blinked at him. ‘They do? Who’s _everyone_?’

   ‘Everyone who’s ever seen you in a room together, Doyoungie,’ Ten said gently. ‘The world knows you two are endgame.’

   Doyoung fiddled with his hands shyly. ‘I’ve just… you know what I’m like – I get caught up thinking everything’s going to vanish in a puff of smoke, like every good thing has a time limit. But Jae’s not going anywhere. I mean it’s like he goes – he goes out to get breakfast and I think he’s gone but then he’s not, he’s back. And he brings pajeon. He always comes back.’

   If Ten wasn’t following, he didn’t show it. ‘Right.’

   ‘We’re going to settle down together. He was talking about our future and about… well about stuff in our future. And I just, it _hit_ me. Not just conjecture, _reality_. I don’t want us to be apart – not ever.’

   ‘You’re right,’ Ten nodded, ‘Yukhei would have laughed.’

   Doyoung opened his mouth, but Ten was already continuing.

   ‘But I’m not laughing. If any one of us is going to get his happy ending, it’s you. Yukhei and I are… well you know how we’ll end up. Yukhei’s terrified of commitment, and I don’t know how to have a life outside of… this,’ he jerked his head at his computer. ‘But you, Doyoung, you’re going to be happy enough for the three of us, okay?’

   ‘But - ’

   ‘Promise me.’

   ‘I’ll – I’ll be happy enough,’ he said automatically.

   ‘Good. I take it your weekend went well, then?’

   ‘Yes,’ said Doyoung, feeling mildly dazed after exhaling so many feelings in one burst. ‘Yes, I think it did.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello welcome I am excited to upload this week because there have been some new readers recently and I’ve had such fun reading all your comments over the last week <3 you guys know that getting to read your thoughts is such a special thing to me and I’m so glad you’re enjoying the story!! ^_^

   **April, 2009**

   ‘You alright?’

   Doyoung looked up at Ten. ‘I feel sick already. Is that normal?’

   ‘I wouldn’t know,’ he smiled. ‘But probably. If it helps, I’m sure Jaehyun feels worse.’

   ‘I wish I could be there with him,’ Doyoung murmured.

   He was spending the night in his room with Ten, rather than with his boyfriend, because for maybe the first time during their entire relationship, Jaehyun had actually asked for some time alone.

   It was the eve of his thesis defence.

   ‘I don’t get it,’ said Yukhei, who was sprawled across the foot of Ten’s bed playing a video game. ‘Jaehyun is like… a _big_ deal, right? I mean the way you talk about him it’s like every historian in the world is kicking down his door for attention. He’s already had chunks of his thesis published in journals. And you said yourself that if his work was approved to defend then it’s pretty much a done deal. Why’s tomorrow such a big thing? He’s not gonna fail.’

   ‘It’s the end of his _PhD_ , Yukhei,’ Doyoung said tensely. ‘It’s a big deal for all sorts of reasons. He has to stand up in front of a committee of people he respects, people who _rule_ his field, and justify everything he’s worked on for _years_. He’s going to find out if they want corrections. It’s the day he’s going to find out whether he _passed_ for God’s sake. Formalities aside, at the end of tomorrow, he’s pretty much going to be _Dr. Jung._ He’ll be Jung Jaehyun PhD. Do you have _no_ comprehension of how _important_ that is?’

   Yukhei smirked, and Doyoung glared at him, knowing full well that Yukhei had always enjoyed getting him antsy about his boyfriend. ‘I still love watching you talk about him,’ he said. ‘You get so red.’

   ‘Tomorrow’s a really big deal, Xuxi,’ he whispered. ‘A _really_ big deal.’

   ‘You should probably tell him to cut out the typo on page 178,’ Ten mused. He had a hard copy of Jaehyun’s work open in his lap.

   ‘There’s no typo on page 178,’ he sniffed. He wasn’t going to believe that one for a second because, forgetting everyone else, he’d read through the finished copy at least five times himself and Doyoung did _not_ miss typos. When he was reading he stewed over every word, took the time to examine it, absorbed its meaning. No, he didn’t leave typos.

   ‘Bad joke, sorry.’

   ‘I hate you both,’ Doyoung snapped, rolling onto his front and face-planting into his pillow.

   He knew that they were just trying to distract him, but he wasn’t sure that they were going about it the right way.

   ‘He really does have the most beautiful way with words,’ said Ten, in a more honest voice. He’d been reading the document for most of the day. ‘You forget you’re reading _dense_ research.’

   ‘It’s all the poetry he consumes,’ Doyoung mumbled, voice muffled in his pillow.

   ‘Doyoungie, he’s going to do wonderfully,’ he said gently. ‘He’s charismatic, and confident, and outrageously articulate. His research is outstanding.’

   ‘Yeah, and afterwards, we’re going to get him so drunk that he won’t be able to stand,’ Yukhei added happily.

   ‘I can’t remember the last time I saw him get a night’s sleep. I think he’ll want to go home and crash afterwards,’ said Doyoung. ‘He’ll be up all night tonight.’

   He picked up his phone, wanting to text him. But he didn’t. He was leaving him, just this once, to his thoughts. Though he _was_ going to see him in the morning, when he’d promised he would bring coffee from the best place on campus and breakfast and, though Jaehyun didn’t know about that part, a note.

   ‘We’ll see,’ Yukhei said smugly.

   The last few months had been hard. Maybe the hardest, since Doyoung had met Jaehyun. His boyfriend had been working in a fervour, absolutely consumed by his need to graduate that year. The previous summer had been the least _summery_ summer of Doyoung’s life. He’d spent the whole holiday in the office himself – their second office, distinctly larger than their first.

   They had outgrown their one-floor, two-room space so quickly that they hadn’t even made it to the end of the year’s lease before moving into new premises. The new building was smaller, but this time the space was _entirely_ theirs. Three floors. Doyoung, for the first time in his life, had his own office. It was tiny, really little more than a store-cupboard, but it was _his_. Yukhei had won the rock-paper-scissors for the largest office, and yet somehow Ten had been the one moving in an hour later.

   Meanwhile, Jaehyun had spent his entire summer in the library. Doyoung had barely seen him. And once school had started back, he’d seen him even less because it was Doyoung’s final year at college too and the workload, on top of his business, was almost unmanageable.

   But there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and suddenly Doyoung was understanding exactly why Jaehyun had been so determined that they graduate in the same year: once the next couple of months were over, they were _done_.

   Free.

   Free to start a _life_ together.

*

   ‘Take it off.’

   ‘I don’t know if I should,’ Jaehyun said anxiously as he tugged at his tie to loosen it even further.

   ‘Jae, there’s no dress code, just take it off if it’s making you uncomfortable. Please. You should look like you and you should feel like you can breathe.’

   Doyoung had never seen his boyfriend looking so out of sorts. He reached up himself and undid his tie, pulling it free. Jaehyun very rarely wore ties, and if he did they were loose and casual, not knotted up to the top.

   ‘Here,’ he murmured, undoing his top button too and grazing his fingers gently over his neck. ‘Better?’

   ‘What if they think I’m too casual?’

   ‘Jae one of the grad students I know did his defence in a _Zelda_ tee. That being said, computing is - ’ Doyoung paused, face softening. ‘You look fine.’

   Jaehyun leant back against the wall and closed his eyes.

   It hadn’t been the easiest morning.

   ‘Did you know that the first PhD was awarded in Paris?’ Doyoung said, to fill the quiet.

   ‘Really?’ Jaehyun said weakly.

   ‘Mmhm. And you know the first US college to award a PhD?’

   ‘Please tell me. My brain’s too wired to guess.’

   ‘ _Yale_. See, it’s fate.’

   Jaehyun laughed, but it was fake and shaky.

   ‘Soon, everything will have been worth it,’ Doyoung smiled, _determined_ to reassure him. He took Jaehyun’s empty coffee cup and threw that away, and placed the annotated version of his thesis back into his hands. ‘You are going to stun them. Here.’

   Jaehyun took the little note that Doyoung had written him with an attempt at a smile. ‘Are you after my job?’

   ‘Perhaps I’m starting to find the joy in writing notes.’

   _You are the smartest person I’ve ever known, Dr. Jung._

   That was what he’d written him. He didn’t embellish his words with poetry the way Jaehyun did, but he got the point across. Doyoung had always been both efficient and forthright.

   ‘Thanks, Doie,’ he whispered.

   ‘I’m going to go and study in the café. Upper level.’

   ‘I know your table,’ Jaehyun laughed.

   ‘I’ll wait there for you. And then we’ll go and celebrate, or we’ll go and sleep. Whatever you want.’

   ‘Oh I can think of some ways to celebrate,’ Jaehyun winked, and for the first time in the day he looked genuinely at ease.

   Doyoung leant in and kissed him. ‘Good. I’ve never slept with a doctor before.’

   At that, Jaehyun pulled him into an almost crushing hug, nowhere near as gentle as he usually was. ‘I love you.’

   ‘I love you too,’ he exhaled, breath knocked out of him. He detached himself quickly, and squeezed Jaehyun’s hands. ‘You’re going to do great.’  

   His confidence in the presence of his boyfriend turned to anxiety the second they were parted and he let his façade drop. Suddenly, the prospect of half an hour, an hour, an hour and a half where he would have no _clue_ of the goings-on behind that closed door made him sick to his stomach.

   He sloped his way to the building café and dropped down into the chair at his usual table but there was no chance that he was going to get any studying done. Still, he took out his laptop and his books and placed them across the table. He wasn’t too worried about his final year exams – a lot of his grade had already been decided by his previous examinations and his projects throughout the year, and with Jaehyun being so busy throughout the last few months he’d actually dedicated more time to his studies than usual.

   And what he did need to study could wait until tomorrow.

   He opened some of his plans for work instead, hoping that would be better to take his mind off things, but he couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything.

   His eyes were flicking between three clocks.

   The first was the clock on his computer, strict KST, which didn’t have a second counter so he found his eyes straying to it ever other second just so that he could watch the moment when the number finally changed at the break of the minute.

   The second was his wrist-watch, which was digital. His glances at that one were so frequent that he’d developed a repetitive motion in his wrist, where every few moments he involuntarily flicked his hand to let his sleeve fall back.

   The final clock, on the café wall, was analog, and it was Doyoung’s preferred option because it was three minutes fast. For some reason, no matter how much logic pointed out that it was silly, he couldn’t help but like that one more, like it was somehow _ahead_ in the world and ticking closer to a conclusion than the other two.

   Ticking _slowly_.

   Every minute crawled by.

   In preparation for today, Doyoung had tracked down a grand total of twenty-five thesis defences online to watch, and he’d established the simple statistics of length and structure.

   At the hour mark, he felt himself start to get especially edgy.

   After an hour and a half, he stood up to pace.

   When the clock was so close to two hours that he couldn’t bear it anymore, he packed up and went to furiously walk the corridor instead, hands shoved into his pockets to try to stop himself staring at his watch any longer.

   Had his heart ever beaten so fast before?

   He wished that he had Ten or Yukhei with him – they could always calm him down. But for once, he couldn’t rely on his friends. This day was for him and Jaehyun only, and Jaehyun was currently locked away in the room down the hall.

   He squeezed his eyes shut, wondering whether it would help to count to ten over and over until this ordeal was done with.

   Then he heard the opening of a door and he flattened himself against the wall as though he could disappear into it. He didn’t want Jaehyun to think that he wasn’t capable of waiting in a café.

   Jaehyun was caught in deep conversation with two men, but he was projecting in a way that Doyoung knew meant only good things. He knew his boyfriend’s body language better than anyone’s. He was speaking with his head up and his hands doing half the work, and his stance was open, the sort that Doyoung could always imagine him with as he presented in lecture theatres that would become his home.

   His shoulders dropped a couple of inches in relief.

   He thought about sliding away back to the café, but as if drawn by the magnetism that connected their auras, Jaehyun glanced up and met his eyes.

   He said something that could only have been, _‘would you excuse me for a moment_?’ or something similar, because then he was crossing the hall with the broadest smile that Doyoung had ever seen.

   _Ever_ seen.

   He’d always loved to see Jaehyun smile. It was his greatest goal in life – to ensure that smile.

   But today Jaehyun looked so beautiful that his heart stopped for a moment.

   ‘Just couldn’t wait?’

   Doyoung stared at him, swallowing down air. ‘Do you _know_ how long it’s been?’

   ‘I didn’t notice,’ he said with a dramatic look at his watch.

   Once they were close enough for contact, Jaehyun pulled Doyoung to his chest and wrapped his arms so tightly around him that for the second time that day, Doyoung thought he might be crushed. He didn’t protest, though.

   ‘ _Say something_ ,’ he managed to exhale instead.

   Jaehyun put him down, then stood just on the tips of his toes to press a kiss to his forehead. ‘You’re talking to _Dr_ Jung, Doyoung.’

   ‘Shit,’ Doyoung choked. He wasn’t a _regular_ curser, but it slipped out. ‘Jae - ’

   ‘Consider me a pass with _very_ minor corrections,’ Jaehyun beamed. ‘Like the typo on page 152.’

   ‘ _There’s no typo on page 152_!’ Doyoung snapped.

   Jaehyun laughed softly. ‘No, of course there isn’t. You proofed it. C’mere.’

   He hugged him again.

   Doyoung felt a rushing in his ears, a _weightlessness_ that came with Jaehyun’s hold combined with the realisation that it was over – that every gruelling hour of Jaehyun’s hard work for the entirety of his academic life was… done. Finished. And _worth_ something.

   ‘I gotta introduce you to these guys,’ Jaehyun murmured. ‘Come on.’

   ‘Wait what?’ Doyoung flushed. There was no way he wanted Jaehyun to feel obligated to introduce him to important people in his field but he was already tugging him along by the hand.

   Jaehyun presented him with such pride that he thought his heart might break.

   ‘Dr Kim, Dr Dae, this is my partner, Doyoung. I think he’s been waiting for today with more apprehension than I have.’

   Luckily, the two men that Jaehyun had left his presentation with seemed to be the young and sociable ones.

   ‘You have a very intelligent partner, Doyoung.’

   ‘Lucky guy.’

   Jaehyun laughed, but he wrapped his arm protectively around Doyoung’s waist. ‘I’m the lucky one,’ he said. ‘Trust me.’

   ‘You should know that the department is going to be looking for a couple of adjunct professors for next year. I’m sure that many, _many_ people are going to be putting your name top of the list.’

   Jaehyun opened his mouth and then closed it.

   ‘It’s a golden ticket. I mean it’s not tenure, but it’s a position in six months.’

   Doyoung leant close to his side, glancing at him with a reassuring smile – a smile that told him that it was okay to answer with the truth. He knew Jaehyun’s plans.

   ‘I - ’ Jaehyun started, looking down. ‘Thank you so much. But I think I’m going to take a few months to…’

   ‘Recover?’ Dr Dae smiled. ‘A doctorate will do that to you.’

   ‘I think I want to breathe for a little while. I’ve been looking at some volunteering opportunities. It’s been a long few years.’

   They both looked pained, but somewhat resigned. ‘Don’t take too long out. This community needs your mind.’

   Jaehyun nodded. ‘Thank you so much for all your questions in there.’

   Dr Kim inclined his head. ‘Make sure that you celebrate. Go big. It’s not been so long since I graduated, and believe me, I remember. It _is_ a long few years.’

   _Going big_ seemed to mean different things to them, just like it did to Yukhei and Ten, because in the moment, the moment when _at last_ Doyoung got his boyfriend to himself, Jaehyun just pitched forwards with his forehead against Doyoung’s shoulder and asked to go home.

   ‘I… am fucking exhausted.’

   ‘I’ll make you dinner,’ Doyoung smiled, pulling him close. ‘We’ll go big alright. On the eating… and the sleeping… and the _more sleeping_.’

   ‘Thanks, baby.’

   ‘I am so proud of you, Jae.’ He bit back every bit of emotion in his throat and blinked away the tears in his eyes. ‘I’m so _proud_ of you.’

   ‘I’ve gotta call my mom.’

   ‘I’m going to tell Ten and Yukhei too,’ said Doyoung. ‘And can I tell my parents?’

   ‘Will they like me more if they find out how qualified I am?’

   ‘Like they don’t already love you.’

*

   ‘They had so many questions,’ said Jaehyun, in explanation as he went through a blow-by-blow of his entire defence while Doyoung cooked his favourite meal.

   He was sprawled, flat on his back, on the bed, still dressed, staring at the ceiling.

   ‘I thought it would never end. This one guy early on really had it in for me – he kept asking all these questions that weren’t even _related_ to my thesis. I thought he was going to tear me apart, but then I realised that he was really just trying to see how I’d react under pressure. Under _interrogation_ , more like.’  

   ‘Give me his name. I’ll track him down. And end him.’

   Jaehyun laughed.

   ‘For you,’ said Doyoung as he placed the glass containing his home-made cocktail into Jaehyun’s hand and sat down on the bed beside him, leaving the food to itself just for a moment.

   ‘You know I held your note the whole time? I just kept saying it over and over in my head: Doyoung believes in me; _Doyoung_ , the brightest person I’ve ever known, believes that I’m good enough to get through this.’

   ‘Jae, the whole world is going to be blown away when you step out into it. You’re going to be the best teacher anyone has ever had. You’re going to be the most sought-after academic in the world.’

   Jaehyun closed his eyes and took a long, _long_ gulp of his drink.

   Doyoung settled onto his side, one eye on the kitchen, and nestled his head into the crook of his neck. ‘This is the best day of my life.’

   ‘It ranks… okay, on my scale,’ Jaehyun said after a pause.

   ‘What could _possibly_ rank higher?’ Doyoung said in disbelief.

   ‘Let me think…’ Jaehyun hummed. ‘The day I met you at the library… the day we first said _I-love-you_. Our first anniversary… our second anniversary… our third anniversary...’

   ‘All good days,’ Doyoung nodded. ‘But you worked your life for this degree.’

   Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. ‘Doie, would you believe me if I told you that everything that’s happened since the day I enrolled in college has felt like one long formulation of _us_? You’re the most meaningful thing that I’ve ever earned. This is just a cherry on top.’

   ‘I’ll believe it when I’m done too, and we can just be us. All this done. When there’s no more school and just an expansive future together with nothing that gets in the way. That’ll make every day here worth it.’

   Jaehyun met his eyes and held up his glass. ‘Yeah. I’ll drink to that.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	15. Chapter 15

   ‘Turn it _off_ ,’ Jaehyun groaned. ‘Please, Doyoung, turn it off! It’s Sunday!’

   Doyoung was trying, though he wasn’t reaching around for the alarm clock like Jaehyun clearly thought in his sleep haze. ‘It’s my phone,’ he muttered, throwing himself half out of the bed to scrabble for his cell, which had somehow ended up on the floor. His boyfriend just led out another loud sound of protest and threw his pillow over his head.

   His desire to stay in bed was probably exaggerated by the fact that he was graduating the _following day_.

   Graduation.

   After four years, they had made it.

   Much to Doyoung’s frustration, it had transpired that he would not get to graduate directly with Jaehyun after all. The Arts faculty had their ceremony on Monday, while Doyoung’s department, along with several others, would graduate on the Tuesday. Jaehyun had reassured him that this could be a good thing, because at least it would mean they had less relatives to look after each day.

   Doyoung managed to stop the incessant ringing and sat up in bed as he answered. ‘Hello?’

   He listened for a moment, then rested his hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder to shake him a little to wakefulness.

   ‘It’s the realtor,’ he whispered. The agent who was helping them was plucky, to say the least, which Doyoung was thankful for because he knew there were few other people who would contact them on a weekend morning to keep them up to date with the latest news.

   Finally, Jaehyun propped himself up and looked at him with bleary eyes. His hair was mussed up, a mess over his forehead, and his eyes were half-closed to avoid the sunlight streaming in through the gap in the curtains.

   ‘Yes, yes of course,’ Doyoung said down the phone. ‘Thank you.’

   ‘Well…?’ said Jaehyun as soon as he’d ended the call.

   ‘We can see the place first thing on Wednesday – the current tenants are moving out on Tuesday so they’re starting the viewings from Wednesday morning, which is fine because we have graduation before then _anyway_. But we’ll be the first people to take a look so if we want it, we’re in.’

   _Perfect._ It had all worked out perfectly, and Doyoung knew why: they were destined to have this apartment.

   Jaehyun beamed and pulled him into a hug.

   The quest for their first real home had occupied much of the last two months, since Doyoung had walked out of the examination hall after his final exam. Doyoung wasn’t sure that he had ever been more excited about anything.

   He was looking forward to a home that didn’t mean he was split between two places: his dorm, and Jaehyun’s place. He was looking forward to a home that wasn’t confined to _one room_ , and instead had a real kitchen and maybe a separate living room too. He was looking forward to a home that was _theirs_ , not the college’s, that they could paint in the colours they wanted and fill with books and buy new furniture for.

   They’d discovered quickly, however, that shopping around for a place to live was not as easy as Doyoung had pictured in his head.

   Doyoung wasn’t worried about money; with the company where it was, he knew that they’d be able to afford somewhere nice enough – nothing _luxurious_ , but something functional and with enough space to be comfortable. But none of the apartments they’d looked at seemed _right_.

   Jaehyun wanted some kind of outside space, which in central Seoul meant a _balcony_ , but Doyoung wanted more space _inside_ because with his increasing workload from the business he really wanted somewhere to set up a home office. With each square foot costing a fortune in the city, finding a compromise was hard. They liked to cook so a proper kitchen was favoured over a kitchen-living-room-dining-room combo, but that meant looking further out of the centre of town because apartments that size were so hard to come by.

   Then, they’d found that housing in Seoul disappeared at such a rate that they could arrange to go and see a place and then find that it had already been leased by the time their appointment arrived.

   But this place – _this place_ – it was perfect. They had to have it.

   ‘Wednesday,’ Jaehyun exhaled. ‘Okay cool.’

   ‘We’ll have graduated by then,’ smiled Doyoung. ‘It’s sort of fitting, right? Since it’s the start of our outside life.’

   ‘Yeah,’ nodded Jaehyun, then he flopped back down, pulling Doyoung with him. ‘Now can we go back to sleep?’

   ‘Yes,’ said Doyoung, but as he rested a hand on Jaehyun’s chest and found a spot for his head under his chin, he was far too distracted to think about sleeping.

   He was excited about the apartment.

   He was nervous about graduation.

   _Quite_ nervous about graduation.

   Over the next couple of days, he was going to have to socialise with a lot of important people, and not just people from college. Jaehyun’s mom was going to be there, and his grandmother too. Ten’s family were flying over from Thailand. Yukhei was… well, his guestlist was unconfirmed, but he was optimistic that his mom would make the trip from Hong Kong even if his father didn’t. Doyoung’s own parents would be there too, of course.

   ‘What are you going to wear?’ Doyoung whispered.

   ‘I thought we were sleeping?’

   ‘Oh yes. Sorry.’

   There was a silence, and then: ‘Jeans.’

   ‘ _Jeans_?’ Doyoung sat up again and elicited another groan from his boyfriend. ‘You’re not even going to dress up a _little_?’

   ‘You usually tell me to dress down,’ said Jaehyun. His eyes were closed, as though he could block out the discussion and sleep at the same time as answering.

   ‘Well yes, but this is _graduation_. You only graduate college once.’

   ‘Not true.’

   Doyoung frowned at him.

   ‘I already graduated when I finished my Bachelor’s. _And_ when I finished my Master’s.’

   At that, Doyoung’s frown turned into a faux look of reproach. ‘Well, you’ll only graduate once with _me_ in your life.’

   ‘Now that is true,’ Jaehyun murmured. He took both of Doyoung’s hands and interlinked their fingers loosely. ‘I promise I won’t wear jeans. I’m very excited.’

   ‘You have to tell me everything. I have to be prepared.’

   ‘Honestly, babe, there’s not much to plan. Any schedule falls apart once you get there because the day is usually chaos. They don’t allow enough time for anything, the photo hall is a nightmare, getting a drink of water is harder than you’d expect. You have to queue for ages to pick up your gown rental, and finding your friends is hard. But it’s great.’

   Doyoung bit his lip. ‘It sounds - ’

   ‘I’ll be right there with you.’

   He nodded, settling his heartrate with the assurance that Jaehyun would be by his side.

   ‘What are _you_ going to wear?’

   ‘I’ve got enough choices,’ said Doyoung as he laid back down and played with the linked fingers. His closet, these days, was remarkable full. With the business becoming more _corporate_ by the day, he had been acquiring, as he’d always expected, more and more shirts and ties. And suits. And nice shoes. ‘White shirt. I’m _thinking_ maybe tie but I’m not sure. My mom probably won’t be happy if I don’t wear one.’

   ‘Doie, your mom is going to be happy no matter what. She’ll _probably_ cry. Her only son is graduating college.’

   ‘I suppose.’ Doyoung thought for a moment, then continued. ‘Do you know where the tradition of throwing graduation caps originated from?’

   ‘You always frame these things as questions, my love, even though you know that I won’t know.’

   ‘It’s to be polite.’

   Jaehyun smiled and freed a hand so that he could brush his fingertips down Doyoung’s face. ‘Tell me.’

   ‘1912, from a Naval Academy. Once students reached graduation, they weren’t commissioned to wear their caps anymore, so they threw them to symbolise freedom.’

   ‘Oh yeah?’ Jaehyun stroked his fingers into the hair over his ear. ‘What else happened in 1912?’

   ‘Other than the sinking of the Titanic? Several things. Autopilot was invented for aircraft, _Oreos_ were developed. Alexis Carrel won the Nobel Prize for medicine in recognition of his vascular suturing techniques.’

   ‘Vascular suturing, huh?’

   ‘Yes.’

   ‘God you’re sexy when you talk history.’

   Doyoung made a noise of protest and rolled onto his back. ‘Please don’t ever call me sexy when I’m talking about blood vessels again.’

  ‘Are you planning on talking about blood vessels again?’

   Doyoung huffed. ‘Undecided.’

   ‘I love you.’

   ‘I love you too,’ he sighed. ‘Quite a lot.’

*

   ‘Why does _he_ get a nicer outfit?’ demanded Yukhei.

   ‘Because he’s far more esteemed than you, Xuxi,’ answered Ten, flicking through his phone.

   With the Arts faculty first, it was Ten and Doyoung’s turn to observe. There had been no discussion over their attendance at all – there was no way they were going to miss their best friend’s, and in Doyoung’s case also _boyfriend’s_ , graduation.

   The most recent drama of the day had come courtesy of Yukhei discovering that Jaehyun, as a doctoral graduate, had a distinctly more colourful and intricately folded gown than him.

   ‘Wait until he finds out that Jaehyun gets to give an introduction to his thesis, too,’ Doyoung said smugly. ‘No flitting across the stage in three seconds for _him_.’

   Several minutes earlier, in a scene that none of them could have predicted, Jaehyun’s mom, blue hair and all, had managed to waylay Yukhei’s mother and take her to the table that was handing out drinks.

   It was a strange sight.

   Doyoung had been rather scared of Yukhei’s mother the first time he had met her, which was at their high school graduation. He had still never met Yukhei’s _father_ , who he heard was even scarier, because rumour had it that he wouldn’t even tolerate mention of Doyoung and Ten. His mom, though, was austere enough. She reminded Doyoung of a particularly strict school teacher.

   Somehow, though, Jaehyun’s mom had managed to engage her in conversation. She was very good at that sort of thing – she had an aura that was hard to resist, no matter how stalwart someone might pretend to be.

   When it was time to go to their seats, Ten and Doyoung had to leave Yukhei and Jaehyun, and they entered a large, intimidating auditorium. Doyoung had never been there, even though it was just off campus. The seats were dark red, like a movie theatre, and velvety to the touch, which he liked. That sort of thing settled him.

   This was the kind of venue that he imagined in his mind’s eye when he pictured Yukhei, centre stage, announcing some new project for NCT.

   To his surprise, there was only a short introduction before the diplomas started to be handed out, but he soon realised why.

   That part took a _long_ time.

   Doyoung was a man of impeccable focus. He was a good listener, and initially today was no different. He even played games with himself to keep himself alert, such as memorising a sequence of names from a certain department and then reciting them back to himself internally whenever there was a pause. But his attention started to waver, somewhere during _Philosophy._

   Along with his mind, he found his eyes wandering. He looked up, searching with curiosity over the gold engravings on the domed ceiling.

   He flinched when Ten nudged him lightly in the side. ‘History.’

   Then, there were undergraduates and other post-graduates to sit through before the small cluster of PhDs were awarded.

   His heart almost _exploded_ with pride when Jaehyun was called up.

   He stood, even though the occasion had been quite collected – Ten too. Ten even put an arm around him, which for once Doyoung didn’t pull away from.

   Doyoung thought he’d bite through his nails as Jaehyun gave the short elevator pitch of his thesis. He wanted him to get every single word right, not stumble on a single one, because he knew that it was the sort of thing that Jaehyun prided himself on. But he need not have worried. This was Jaehyun who had wanted to lecture in colleges since he was a kid. Speaking to a crowd was his natural habitat.

   When he had spoken, when he took the paper in his hand, Doyoung turned to hug Jaehyun’s mom, too. She hadn’t made any movement to touch him, because Doyoung _knew_ Jaehyun had told her years ago that it made him uncomfortable, but she accepted the offer gratefully.

   ‘He sounded great,’ smiled Ten, when he’d left the stage.

   ‘Yes, he did,’ Doyoung exhaled shakily.

   History was followed quickly by Liberal Arts, which meant Yukhei’s moment, and _God_ was it obvious that he had he been waiting for it.

   He bounded across the stage with unadulterated enthusiasm, taking a detour to the _front_ of the stage to holler to his friends waiting in the music contingency of the stalls seating. There were ripples of laughter, and ripples of disapproval, but Doyoung and Ten just grinned to each other: Yukhei had never cared about who disapproved of him.

   After that, which was really the one flurry of excitement, the ceremony turned dull.

   There was an inspirational video which made Doyoung frown because it looked as though it had been put together in ten minutes on a free movie maker. Then, there was a long, long, _very_ long speech. Ten was actually yawning in the next seat along.

   ‘You realise we’re going to have to sit through this again tomorrow?’ he muttered darkly, but Doyoung just hummed in response. He was determined to enjoy the occasion, and commit it to memory for the rest of his life.

*

   Tuesday morning felt like Groundhog Day.

   It began with the beep of Doyoung’s alarm clock, and was followed this time with _his_ favourite breakfast, whereas yesterday he had prepared Jaehyun’s. He dressed slowly, methodically, reminding himself to keep calm even though his heart was already pounding with nerves. There was a short journey to the same venue, where he met up with Ten and Yukhei _again_ , only this time with the addition of two different families.

    The first half an hour for Doyoung was spent being fussed over by his mother, who was not happy with the way that he had done his hair. It was only once she had fussed, too, over the arrangement of his gown _and_ his cap that Jaehyun came to his rescue.

   ‘Why don’t we go to collect some programmes?’ he suggested politely to both sets of parents, Ten’s as well as Doyoung’s. ‘They make for excellent reading.’

   Doyoung looked down to hide his smile. Jaehyun was the perfect person to have around _parents –_ he always knew the right thing to say. And in this case, he had very intentionally afforded Doyoung a moment alone with his friends.

   He turned back to Ten and Yukhei, who were bickering over the correct placement of the tassel on Ten’s cap, which was already askew where Yukhei had tried to fiddle with it, claiming to be the expert having graduated a day earlier.

   ‘Guys - ’ began Doyoung, but they were squabbling so loudly that he had to physically take a step forwards and place himself between them before they would spare him a glance. ‘Guys, we made it.’  

   ‘We’ll have made it when we’re in the top hundred of the Global 500,’ Ten sniffed.

   Yukhei, though, gave him a shove. ‘Are you _serious,_ bro? Forget you two, _I_ made it through college. _I_ graduated yesterday. _Me._ This is cause for the world’s biggest celebration!’

   ‘I never doubted you,’ said Doyoung, ‘even when you switched course for the fifth time.’

   Doyoung didn’t mention the fact that Yukhei, for all his talk, had graduated with a near spotless average; Yukhei himself seemed to find that rather embarrassing. Doyoung couldn’t really figure out why, but then again, he’d never found academic success something to be ashamed of.

   ‘We – we did make it,’ sighed Ten, as he finally allowed himself a moment to nod, with a half smile. Then, he exhaled. ‘No more tuition costs.’

   ‘Tuition? Who _cares_? No more _classes_ , Tennie!’ Yukhei beamed, swatting his cap again.

   Doyoung’s lips twitched towards a smile as he met Ten’s eyes. Yukhei still forgot, sometimes, Doyoung thought, the burden of _cost_ on Ten throughout the last four years. And more.

   ‘C’mere you two!’ Yukhei pulled Ten into a huge bear hug, ignoring his protests, and then opened one hesitant arm for Doyoung.

   Doyoung paused, but only for a second. Then, he allowed himself to move into the space left for him. There was always a space for him with Yukhei and Ten. He was still a little too rigid when they hugged him, but then again, they were used to that.

   ‘Proud of you,’ said Ten, quietly to Doyoung, before looking up at Yukhei. ‘And you, I suppose, but I already told you that yesterday.’

  Yukhei pulled Ten close and planted a huge kiss to his forehead before Ten, complaining at maximum volume, could wriggle away. ‘You too, Tennie.’

   By the time that Ten escaped, Doyoung had spotted Jaehyun again, and he ducked away for a minute to reunite with him.

   ‘Do you want to go and get some fresh air?’ Jaehyun murmured against his ear, and Doyoung nodded quickly.

   After a moment alone with his friends, he wanted a moment alone with his boyfriend.

   Outside, everything felt easier, lighter.

   They walked around the courtyard of the venue, hands held tightly together.

   ‘I’m nervous,’ said Doyoung, quite unnecessarily because he knew that Jaehyun would be more than aware.

   ‘You’ll be fine. I mean look at me, I did pretty great, right?’

   ‘Everyone was _captivated._ I was captivated.’

   ‘Good, because I only cared about you,’ Jaehyun breathed. He kissed him, the taste of coffee fresh on his lips. Doyoung didn’t care that they were in public; and he had the distinct impression, too, that Jaehyun knew he might get to kiss him in a graduation gown only _once_ because he knotted his hands into the lapels and brought him closer.

   When they broke apart, Doyoung didn’t want to step away. Their breath mingled together.

   ‘What if I fall over?’

   ‘You won’t. I promise. Here,’ said Jaehyun, as he slotted a hand into his inside pocket and took out a small silver envelope.

   Doyoung smiled, not surprised, and took the envelope, opening it neatly.

   “ _Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.”_

   Under the quote, he had written one word:

   _Pride_.

   ‘I thought you always trusted the poets?’

   ‘I don’t think they ever loved someone as much as I love you, Doyoung.’

   Doyoung folded the paper and slipped it into the pocket over his heart. ‘Thank you, Jae.’

   ‘Zelda Fitzgerald, by the way.’

   ‘I should have guessed. You really do like her letters.’

   ‘She knew a thing or two about love.’

   ‘Not as much as us.’

   ‘Of course not,’ Jaehyun kissed him again. ‘I promise you won’t fall over.’

   Doyoung would have been happy to stay outside for the entire day, so anxious about what was waiting for him inside, but everything went too quickly from then. Into the hall. Into strictly assigned seats. Luckily for Doyoung, his department was up early, because he was certain that it was better to get the worst part over and done with.

   He paced anxiously when his row was led just out of the room and through a separate door. He bounced on his feet to try to stop the anxious jitters in his joints when he was at the side of the stage. He looked down _firmly_ at the floor when the girl in front of him was called up. And then he waited for his name.

   ‘Kim Dongyoung; also awarded the Governor’s Award for Academic Excellence, and the Gyeon Memorial Prize.’

   _Don’t fall over. Don’t fall over._

He had received a letter a couple of weeks earlier informing him of his academic prizes: one, for receiving the highest grade in his year, and the other for his final project. They came, too, with a hefty financial prize, which he had pocketed quite happily and decided to dedicate to the furnishing of their new apartment.

   He thought about the apartment as he made his way across the stage. It calmed him. As he stared at the floor, determined not to trip, he thought _about_ the floor. The floor in their dream apartment was wooden. Doyoung liked to think of it covered in nice rugs. Jaehyun would probably insist that they were bright in colour, rather than muted in grayscale like Doyoung would angle towards by instinct.

   _Shit_ , Jaehyun.

   Jaehyun had told him to look up.

   He’d told him to make sure that he looked around because he would remember this moment for the rest of his life, and it would go far too fast.

   So he forced himself to look up, if only for Jaehyun.

   He wanted to bury his face in his hands when he registered the sheer _volume_ of Yukhei’s bellowing cheers for him. Then, though, he was emboldened by a rush of gratitude. Gratitude for the best friend he’d met when he was four years old and who was still here at his side. Without Yukhei, he wasn’t sure he would have ended up here. If he hadn’t befriended Yukhei, he was fairly certain that he would have grown up with no friends at all.

   Instead, he had the two best friends in the entire world, and the best boyfriend in the entire universe.

   He smiled. He’d done rather well for himself.

   And getting his diploma in his hand wasn’t too bad either.

   He almost ran the last few steps because once the adrenaline crashed, he just wanted to stumble to his seat and collapse down into it.

   His seat felt like an island in a storm.

   He slipped out his phone when he felt it vibrate, stressed that it would make a sound even though he had checked twenty times that it was on silent before the ceremony.

   **Jae (11:08):** Not that I’m biased, but you worked the stage better than anyone else.

   Doyoung shook his head, ignoring the look of disapproval from the girl in the seat next to him, and slid down a little so that he could text back without anyone noticing him.

   **Doyoung (11:09):** Well I didn’t fall. You shouldn’t be texting me, though.

   **Jae (11:10):** The love of my life just got his diploma. I’ll text all I want.

   Everything felt easier after that. Doyoung found himself daydreaming during the presentations, even though he’d promised himself that he would concentrate. He paid attention only for the moment when Ten was called. _Ten_ didn’t falter on the stage, didn’t look down; he walked bolt upright, oozing confidence, with poise and calm and _how_ Doyoung wished he could conduct himself like that in public.

   Once Ten was done, though, it really did feel like Doyoung could relax.

   It was as though the moment the paper was put in his hand, this part of his life was just… done. He felt as though he’d closed one huge, _huge_ book that he’d been reading for nineteen years, the final chapter finished at last.

   There was a tinge of sadness, like with finishing any long novel, but also the buzz of excitement at the thought of picking up a new one.

   Education. Finished.

   Life. Starting.

   Not that he planned to ever stop learning, but that wouldn’t be too difficult: he was going to be spending his life with a professor, after all.

   **Jae (11:41):** Red wine or white wine? I’m going to race the crowd to the drinks table.

   **Doyoung (11:42):** Red. Big glass.

   When he could reunite with his boyfriend, when they could at last share this moment of freedom together, that would be when everything felt complete.

*

   Making out on the couch was a nice way to end such an important day, Doyoung thought.

   It had felt like a _very_ long time before they could get this time to themselves.

   First, there had been the drinks reception. Then, there had been dinner with Doyoung’s parents. Then, there had been a bar visit with Ten and Yukhei. But now, finally, Doyoung could settle into calm.

   ‘You realise tomorrow we might be thinking about a new couch for this?’ said Jaehyun when they came up for air for a second. Straight after his words, though, he moved to Doyoung’s neck, grazing kisses there, finding the tender spot below his jaw and loving it with his lips.

   ‘What kind of couch are you thinking? Leather?’ Doyoung exhaled, trying to focus.

   ‘Mm yes,’ Jaehyun hummed against his skin. ‘Three-seater.’

   Doyoung nodded. ‘Lots of space so I stop getting a crick in my neck while we’re doing this.’ Currently, he was on his back, and therefore the one with his neck angled awkwardly against the arm of the couch, so he placed his hands on Jaehyun’s chest and pushed him back the other way so that he could be the one on top. ‘Your turn.’

   He settled on Jaehyun’s lap, straddling his waist, and ran his hands down his shirt.

   ‘We’re going to our dream apartment tomorrow, Jae.’

   ‘I know. If we get through the paperwork at _you_ speed, we could be moving in next week.’

   ‘Don’t jinx it.’

   ‘There’s nothing to jinx, Doyoungie. Everything in our life together is fated to go just right.’

   _Starting from today_ , Doyoung thought. All along, this had been the moment he was looking forward to.

   College had been like a bubble, a bubble in which real life seemed distant and where they talked in hypotheticals.

   Now _they_ had plans, plans that started with a 9am appointment.

   But for the second time in recent days, Doyoung’s phone rang in the morning far before the alarm. The world seemed unhappy to allow them tranquillity, even just for a moment.

   And this call really did shatter the peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello team LL! I know it’s been a while. I feel so privileged to be able to update this fic because the comments you leave the things you say about it are so warm and kind and really this story is such a happy space for me ^-^ May x  
> (CW/ outing & aftermath)

   Jaehyun just groaned, but Doyoung opened one eye and squinted at the clock. It was nearly 7am, far too early for anything social. That meant that it had to be work related, but they’d left their new director of operations in charge for the couple of days that they’d all be absent, and he was nothing if not efficient. A little too efficient. Doyoung could hardly think that he’d have let something go wrong in their absence.

   When he picked up his phone though, it was Yukhei’s number on the ID.

   ‘Xuxi?’ he said, rubbing his eyes. Yukhei was _not_ usually up this early.

   ‘ _Doyoung? Doyoung do you know where Ten is?_ ’

   ‘I… I don’t know,’ he said. ‘He went with his parents to the airport last night and then I figured he went back to yours after. Why?’

   Yukhei had moved into _his_ new place the day that he finished his last class, signing an ambitious lease on what he was already calling Seoul’s biggest party flat. Ten had been living there ever since their dorm lease had finished.

   ‘ _I can’t get hold of him_ ,’ said Yukhei. ‘ _I tried the office but he’s not there. Doyoung, they put his picture on the front of the_ paper.’

   He sat up. Confusion was clouding his mind. ‘What? What picture?’

   ‘ _With -_ ’ Doyoung actually _heard_ Yukhei lean closer to the microphone as though to keep his words secret. ‘ _With that guy from Model UN. Some fucking_ creep _recorded them on a date, Doyoungie.’_

   At that, Doyoung climbed out of bed.

   Jaehyun was awake now, watching him with a furrowed brow. He mouthed something like: “what’s going on?” but Doyoung just shook his head. He couldn’t concentrate on two things right now.

   ‘Okay,’ he said, mouth dry. ‘Did you call - ’ he wanted to say _his parents_ , but that was… suddenly not an option. ‘Did you call his sister?’

   ‘ _I tried but her phone is off_.’

   ‘I’ll go check his usual haunts,’ murmured Doyoung. ‘Ten’s a creature of habit. I’ll find him.’

   ‘ _Well call me, alright? I’m gonna try him again_.’

   ‘Of course,’ Doyoung nodded, face blank as Yukhei cut the line.

   ‘What happened?’ asked Jaehyun. He still looked half asleep.

   ‘Ten just got outed on the front cover of a tabloid,’ Doyoung said flatly, his voice automatic. He couldn’t think about putting feeling into his words when his priority was finding clothes and then finding Ten. ‘I… I have to go and find him.’

   Jaehyun opened his mouth in surprise. ‘I – Ten isn’t _out_? I thought - ’

   ‘ _Wasn’t_. And no. At college, yes. But he hasn’t ever told his parents. I really have to find him.’ 

   ‘Doie, we’re supposed to be seeing that apartment at _nine_ , I - ’

   ‘Go without me,’ said Doyoung. ‘I trust you anyway.’

   ‘But – can’t you - ’ he started, but Doyoung interrupted.

   ‘Jae, please don’t finish that sentence. I just found out that my best friend got _outed_ in the press. I have to go and find him.’

   Jaehyun met his eyes. ‘Right. Yeah. Of course. Go.’

   ‘I’m sorry I can’t come to the apartment,’ he whispered as he dressed quickly.

   ‘It’s okay,’ Jaehyun looked down. ‘You want me to say we’ll take it if it’s perfect?’

   Doyoung nodded and gave him a small smile, the best he could muster. ‘You know what we need, Jae. If it’s us, then it’s us.’

   ‘I love you.’

   ‘I love you too,’ said Doyoung, but he was distracted. ‘Do you know where I left my jacket?’

   ‘Couch,’ Jaehyun gave him a small smile. ‘Tell Ten that he can… stay with us, if he wants. Or you can stay with him and Yukhei for a bit.’

   ‘Let me find him first,’ Doyoung said softly. ‘I’ll call you when I do.’

   Jaehyun nodded.

   ‘I’m sorry I can’t go to the apartment,’ he whispered.

   ‘Go to your friend, baby,’ reassured Jaehyun, ‘ _I’ll_ call _you_ when I secure the place.’

   Doyoung grabbed everything that he could need and then pulled on shoes, still half asleep, clothes misshapen. ‘I love you.’

   ‘Love you more.’

*

   It took Doyoung time to find Ten, but not too much time, given that he had the whole of Seoul as a potential radius. One benefit of the way that he filed away everything in his mind was that he had an easily retrievable account of each of his friends, with all the details that he could possibly need about them. And by the time that he got off the subway, he had a list of places to visit organised by likelihood.

   The first turned up nothing: the National Museum of Contemporary Art. It wasn’t even open for the day yet.

   If he had to search every art gallery in Seoul, though, Doyoung swore that he would. It was the only place that Ten would go. Art was his refuge, the one thing that he allowed an almost _romantic_ place in his heart.

   The second, however, which Doyoung figured in retrospect he ought to have ranked first, meant that he didn’t have to visit _every_ single one. His shoulders dropped in relief at the Gallery Hyundai. It was, he was sure, Ten’s favourite contemporary gallery.

   The staff there knew Ten. And they let him in early. After much begging, they let Doyoung in too.

   It didn’t take him long to find him.

   Ten was sat on the floor in front of a nearly three metre tall painting, cross-legged, eyes narrowed.

   ‘I thought I’d find you here,’ said Doyoung, in a quiet voice.

   ‘What, did you go to every gallery in town?’ Ten asked dryly.

   ‘Only one before this. I had a list of more, though’

   ‘Look at this,’ Ten nodded to the painting. ‘Doesn’t it intrigue you?’

   Doyoung frowned. Art wasn’t really his thing, and especially not the kind of art that Ten was interested in. Ten liked abstract expressionism, abstract _anything_ , and modern art, and any and all contemporary art.

   The only art that Doyoung really had an understanding of was that of the old masters, not anything new.

   ‘I suppose,’ he said quietly.

   The painting meant nothing to him. It was entirely red, though blended with different shades, a deep sort of thing that made him frown in discomfort. No, it wasn’t his sort of thing. It gave him a hollow feeling that he couldn’t quite understand.

   ‘I want to buy this,’ said Ten, ‘one day.’

   ‘How much would it cost?’

   Ten stared at it. ‘I don’t know. But if I have to ask, I can’t afford it. I don’t have the money to spend on something like this right now.’

   ‘Soon, though?’

   Ten finally glanced round at him. ‘Did you look at our share prices this morning? I doubt I’ll be buying anything anytime soon.’

   _Ah_.

   ‘Ten, we don’t care about share prices right now,’ Doyoung whispered, and he sat down on the floor next to him. ‘Yukhei called me, woke me up, he was really worried about you.’

   ‘Why would he be worried? I’m fine.’

   ‘Have you talked to your parents?’

   ‘Nope. My phone’s off.’

   ‘Tennie…’ Doyoung looked down. He wasn’t good at talking about this kind of stuff. He wasn’t a _comforting_ person. ‘I… do you think maybe you could… turn it back on?’

   ‘You’re acting like someone died, Doyoung.’

   ‘Well we were worried.’

   ‘We’re in the public eye, now. Things will end up in the papers. It is what it is.’

   ‘ _Ten -_ ’

   ‘I was going to tell them,’ he whispered, looking down. ‘You know I wanted to tell them. I never wanted them to find out like _this_.’

   ‘Tennie,’ for the _third_ time he started with that, but this time Ten didn’t interrupt. ‘Ten, you need to call them. They just flew home, it’s the morning, this was some Korean tabloid; they might not even have seen it yet. Wouldn’t you rather _you_ talk to them first if that is the case?’

   Ten looked down, picking at his nails. ‘Why do you think I’ve put it off for all these years?’

   ‘Your parents love you so much, they’re not going to care.’

   ‘My father is very conservative, Doyoung.’

   ‘Not when it comes to you,’ Doyoung whispered, ‘he’s old-fashioned but he’s not… he wouldn’t be hateful. All that matters to your parents is that you and your sister are healthy and happy. I know them.’

   For a moment, there was a long silence, broken only by the sound of Ten’s assault on his nails. Then, however, he separated his hands. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

   Doyoung’s eyes widened in surprise. As far as he knew, stress was unlikely to have such a sudden effect on memory, even if –

   He shook the thought away.

   ‘What?’

   Ten looked angry. ‘What are you _doing_ here? You’re supposed to be at the apartment with Jaehyun.’

   Doyoung frowned. ‘Yukhei called me and I left right away. Like I said, we were _worried_ , Ten.’

   Ten glanced down at his watch. ‘Alright, go. Go now. It’s only just across town. _Go_.’

   ‘I’m not gonna leave you by yourself, Ten, I - ’

   ‘Call Yukhei. Tell him to come and collect me if you really want. But you gotta go. This is practically the most important day of your life.’

   Doyoung laughed nervously. ‘We’re not getting married, Ten.’

   ‘You’re finding your first place together,’ Ten snapped. ‘Your first home. You remember what I always say to you? You’re the one who has to be happy, who has to have the dream, who has to have the picket fence. You can’t miss any of these moments. _Go_.’

   ‘ _Ten -_ ’ _God_ had it always been this hard getting a word in edgeways with him? _Yes._ Ever since they were at school, Ten had mastered this ability to drown out anything and everything that was said to him if he didn’t want to hear it, even though he kept his own voice quite steady.

   ‘Please, Doyoung. Please go. I’ll be fine. I’ll hate myself if you don’t go.’

   Doyoung faltered. ‘You – you promise me you’ll call your parents?’

   Ten sighed, heavily, but then he looked at him with a small smile. ‘Promise.’

   Doyoung felt his shoulders settle a little. If it was one thing that was an irrefutable truth about Ten, it was that he always kept his word. ‘Okay,’ he whispered.

   ‘I was going to call them anyway. I just wanted to… search for reason, for a minute.’ He looked back at the painting.

   ‘I figured,’ Doyoung nodded, ‘that’s why I knew you’d be at the gallery.’

   ‘I’ll call Yukhei first. Ask him to drive me back to his,’ said Ten, ‘he can hold my hand or whatever so don’t you worry about it. Not even for a second. And you go and make it to your appointment and plan where you’re going to put all your books and your computers and how you’re going to fit two desks into one Seoul apartment.’

   ‘You’ll be okay with Yukhei?’

   Ten rolled his eyes. ‘I think he’ll take care of me. Go on.’

   Doyoung checked the time on his phone. ‘I’ll wait til Yukhei gets here.’

   _Yes_. He still had time.

*

   Doyoung was late. Very late. But not late enough that he missed their viewing altogether.

   He found his way to the apartment, taking the steps up to the fifth floor as quickly as he could. The dream apartment was on the correct level, after all. It was high enough to keep them up off the street, and have a nice, small balcony, but low enough that the trip up the stairs wasn’t tiring. He was also very happy with their floor number, because it was a prime number. Yes. It was all right.

   The door was open on the latch, but before he went inside he took a moment to absorb every detail. There was keycode entry, and the door was smooth and white with a scent of new paint; it had clearly been refreshed after the tenants had moved out.

   When he slipped inside, he could hear voices, but again he didn’t rush to them, even though he wanted to have his hand in Jaehyun’s soon. But he had a way of processing things.

   The apartment entered almost straight into the living room, which was mostly empty. It was technically unfurnished, but there were a couple of things left behind, including a low table and a couch that they’d probably replace but that already seemed like part of the apartment to Doyoung. The floor was smooth, wooden, and the walls a neutral off-white. It was their canvas, ready to paint memories on.

   ‘Is the building quiet?’ he heard Jaehyun ask, from the direction of what was probably the bedroom, and he smiled to himself.

   ‘Oh yes, very much so. The price combined with the location means that it’s really not a party block. In fact, there are a lot of retirees here. Were you looking for something with a little more life?’

   ‘No, no,’ Jaehyun said quickly. ‘My boyfriend likes it quiet. Especially at night.’

   Doyoung smiled to himself. It always made him happy to hear Jaehyun talk about him to other people. Jaehyun was so proud to have him as his boyfriend.

   Doyoung walked into the narrow hall, glancing in on the little kitchen as he went, and then carried on to the bedroom where Jaehyun was gesturing animatedly about the floor to ceiling window. When he turned around, his face broke into a radiant smile. ‘Doie! You made it!’

   ‘I’m sorry I’m late,’ he said as he bowed to the lady showing them around.

   ‘How – how was Ten?’

   Doyoung looked down. ‘He’s… okay. Pretty shaken up I think but it’s always hard to tell with him. He insisted I come here so I left him with Yukhei. I’ll probably go over to theirs later. How’s _this_ place?’

   Their realtor gave them a little privacy, which was good because Jaehyun caught Doyoung’s hands and pulled him over to the window. The view was of the quiet market street below, little more than a couple of flower stalls and a street-food place on the corner. ‘Doie this is it,’ he whispered, ‘home. Our home.’

   It was a little way from the office, but not so far that it was a problem, and quite close to the education charity where Jaehyun had found a volunteering position. The apartment was fairly old, which appealed to Doyoung even though he wished someone else hadn’t had to have lived there before him, but with new things added like the door security and the kitchen appliances; he liked the style, the traditional features, and Jaehyun had said too that it was risky to move in somewhere new because any problems would be theirs to deal with.

   ‘I can see us living here, Jae,’ he said. ‘I can see every detail.’

   Jaehyun nodded and took his hand. He walked him through the apartment and explained everything that he’d already thought about. In the bedroom, he showed him where they would put Jaehyun’s desk, as they might want separate spaces to work sometimes, whereas Doyoung’s desk could go in the living room where there was more space for his computers. In the kitchen, he demonstrated how they could squeeze side by side to cook together. On the balcony, he explained how they could fit a tiny table and two chairs so that they could sit and read.

   The apartment wasn’t big, but it wasn’t one room, and Doyoung knew that over the next two years his company would have its biggest growth ever. He’d studied the charts, he knew the patterns, and he knew that their rapid period of expansion was coming. Then, they’d be able to take the risk on a _big_ apartment. But for now, this one was enough. This one was the dream place.

   A relative dream.

   ‘We have to have it,’ he said. ‘We _have_ to have it.’

*

   It was several days before they were handed their keycode. They signed their names on endless pieces of paper, especially Doyoung who would be doing the majority of the _paying_ for now. Dream or no dream, it was a stressful week. Doyoung, like always, was juggling three things.

   He’d thought that would stop once he graduated, the college-work-personal life triad, that he would have more time to breathe. But now he had work, including trying to cling onto a couple of deals that became sketchy once the media turned on them, _house stuff_ , as well as supporting his friends: Ten, who had flown back to Thailand to spend some time with his parents and who called every night to work through what had been said, and Yukhei, who’d had an explosive row with his father over the phone and wasn’t sure he’d ever be permitted to return to Hong Kong again.

   ‘One day,’ Jaehyun kept telling him, ‘one day soon you’ll have a day off.’

   That day, Doyoung really prayed, was the day that they got the keys, metaphorically. Once he was through that front door, he could breathe. He hoped.

   It was a crawl, just to get to that date, and even the morning was so draining that Doyoung wanted to curl into a ball and shut himself away from the world for the next week.

   And yet, they made it.

   ‘Home.’

   ‘Home,’ Doyoung nodded.

   The two of them looked rather small in the apartment, alone, surrounded by their boxes. Suddenly, there was no network around them, no other college dorms, no Ten and Yukhei at arms’ stretch. This was… growing up, Doyoung supposed. Their voices even echoed slightly.

   ‘Here,’ Jaehyun felt around in one of the boxes stacked on the very top of the pile, and retrieved their two framed documents from college. He walked to the mantelpiece and balanced them neatly against the wall. ‘Ours now.’

   ‘Dr Jung and Mr Kim,’ Doyoung said in a quiet voice, and he finally smiled properly. ‘We can give everyone that address now. Our home. _Our_ home.’

   There was a moment of quiet, and then Doyoung raised a hand to rub at his stinging eyes.

   ‘Are you gonna cry?’ Jaehyun said in surprise.

   ‘No,’ he said quickly. ‘It’s just… ever since that first day in the library, I’ve dreamed of us living together in our first real apartment. And now it’s happening and I just… I can’t believe we made it this far. You and me. Us. Me and my handsome stranger.’

   ‘Handsome stranger? Is that what I was?’ Jaehyun grinned. He pulled Doyoung over to the couch they’d inherited.

   ‘That’s what I called you in my head.’

   ‘Well I’m still handsome, but I don’t think I can be called a stranger anymore.’ Jaehyun brushed a finger under Doyoung’s jaw to tilt him in to kiss him. He rested his hand at his neck, thumb grazing over the skin with feather lightness, and left gentle kiss after gentle kiss on his lips.

   Doyoung lowered his face for a second to speak so the kisses moved to his cheekbone, to his forehead, instead. ‘You realise we don’t even have a bed yet?’

   ‘We’ll sleep on the couch,’ Jaehyun breathed. He didn’t seem concerned.

   ‘We can’t both sleep on this couch. It’s too small!’

   ‘Doie?’

   ‘Mm?’

   ‘Don’t worry about it right now. Not for five minutes,’ Jaehyun ran his hands into his hair and then sat back, holding Doyoung like he was the most precious thing in the entire world. ‘Here.’ He detached one hand from Doyoung’s hair long enough to reach into his pocket and pull out a tiny square note on the back of one of Doyoung’s business cards. ‘All the good paper was boxed up, sorry.’

   Doyoung turned it over, and smiled.

   The vessel for the words didn’t really matter.

   Jaehyun had written:

   _Welcome home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi LL family <3 thank you so much for all your amazing comments on the last chapter you really keep me going!

   **January, 2010**

‘Doyoung? Earth to Doyoung?’

   He looked up, one eye only half open. The light was dimmed in his office but it still made his head ache. There had been a throbbing pain behind his eye since the previous afternoon; even his vision seemed off. He felt nauseated, but he hadn’t had the appetite to eat anything in the morning so his stomach felt empty. ‘Mm?’

   Yukhei leant against the doorframe. ‘You should go home.’

   ‘Can’t. I’ve got to get these plans done.’

   On the desk in front of him, there were spread out so many blueprints that he couldn’t make head or tail of them. Three monitors allowed little space for much else so the papers were out of line, a mess over his keyboard.

   ‘Mate, you aren’t getting anything done anyway. And that’s why you have a _team_ now.’

   ‘It’s not the same when I don’t do it.’

   That was true.

   Doyoung had prepared himself for this period of time because he’d tracked the careers of twelve of his favourite companies and identified the windows of most significant growth. He’d known that this year would be the explosion. The explosion had meant the hiring, finally, of a _proper_ development team, all of whom Doyoung had hand-selected. Yukhei and Ten had left him alone for that, knowing that he wouldn’t accept outside interference.

   He’d chosen a group of the finest minds he could find. He had even endured interviews, which was not how he would choose to spend his afternoons. The company would pay well, and offer good benefits, so he’d hadn’t been too worried about attracting the right people. It was choosing them that was the hard part. Eventually, though, he had settled on a small collection who met his rigorous demands.

   Leaving them to do work for him, however?

   No.

   No matter how good they were, they weren’t _him_.

   ‘Doie, if you don’t go home I’m gonna go and get Ten and make _him_ send you home.’

   ‘You _wouldn’t_ ,’ Doyoung said darkly.

   ‘You shouldn’t be at work at all. Call Jaehyun to pick you up. Seriously.’

   Doyoung sighed. He’d told Jaehyun in the morning that his migraine wasn’t that bad. ‘I’ll take the subway. I’m fine.’

   He’d planned for every consequence of the company’s rapid growth, except for the most important one: how much it would impact his life, and his health.

   At the minute it felt like he never got to see his boyfriend. He was spending as much time in the office as _Ten_ and that was saying something. Jaehyun had just finished his stint volunteering at one school and he wasn’t starting his new project for a couple of weeks, so he was around the apartment a lot of the time, but Doyoung was so rarely there that he might as well have been working too.

   His migraines had increased to at least one a week and Jaehyun had even told him to start taking some kind of medication for them but he didn’t like the thought of that. He was tired all the time and stressed all the time and this was supposed to be the stage in his life where everything was figuring itself out and turning easy but instead it seemed to be getting harder.

   ‘If you take the subway then call me when you get home. I wanna make sure you’re okay,’ said Yukhei, in a warning tone.

   ‘I’ll be fine,’ he sighed. He stood up and collected a few of the papers from his desk, even though Yukhei glared at the indication that he was taking work home.

   It was only lunch time. He couldn’t remember the last time that he’d finished work at _lunch_. But his head hurt too much to face arguing with Yukhei. Such arguments never ended in him winning.

   The day from then stretched, as though the minutes lasted far longer than they had in the past. His journey on the subway home seemed to take five times longer than usual, so by the time he was sloping his way down his street, he half wished that he had conceded and phoned his boyfriend after all.

   For a moment, he thought that maybe he was hallucinating when he _saw_ Jaehyun out on the front steps of their block, but he’d recognise him from a million miles away.

   ‘Doie?’ Jaehyun stood up, crossing the street to meet him.

   Doyoung allowed himself to flop forwards against him and buried his face into his shoulder. ‘Xuxi sent me home,’ he mumbled.

   Jaehyun nudged him back and ran his fingers into his hair to hold his head steady. ‘Still hurting?’ he murmured.

   ‘Mm.’

   ‘I told you that you need to take some days off,’ sighed Jaehyun.

   Doyoung didn’t respond, because they’d gone around and round in circles about this recently. He couldn’t remember the last time that he _or_ his friends had taken more than one day off from work in a row. They couldn’t afford to lose momentum at this vital moment in time.

   ‘Doie?’ Jaehyun pressed. ‘Doie, take some days off.’

   Doyoung made a sound that didn’t err on the side of commitment and then he opened one eye. The sunlight made his head ache even more. It was a cold day, mid-winter, but the sun was shining, giving the air a cool, crisp feeling. ‘What were you doing outside?’

   At this, Jaehyun beamed. ‘Come and look.’ He walked Doyoung back over to the foot of their apartment block but then diverted him a little to the right and down the side alley. ‘She ran off when I stood up but she always comes back here.’

   ‘Who’s _she_?’

   ‘Here,’ Jaehyun nodded. He took Doyoung’s hand and manoeuvred him in front of him before nodding to the gap between two of the external vents on the side of the building.

   On a small bundle of old, dirty clothes, there was a cat. Kitten? It was small. She let out a nervous mew at the sight of Doyoung but she didn’t run away, perhaps enjoying the familiarity of Jaehyun.

   ‘I found her a couple of days ago,’ said Jaehyun. ‘I’ve been bringing her some food. I think she’s old enough to be without her mom but I’m not sure she’s really safe out here by herself.’

   Doyoung creased his forehead to try to concentrate on talking and ignore the pain. ‘I… you didn’t mention it?’

   ‘You’ve been kind of busy, babe,’ Jaehyun laughed softly.

   Doyoung looked at the cat. It was a scrawny, skinny thing, and shabby. Was it a tabby? Doyoung wasn’t sure. This wasn’t one of his many areas of expertise.

   ‘I… kind of think maybe we should take her inside,’ Jaehyun suggested. Doyoung could tell from his voice that he was nervous.

   Doyoung whipped his head around. ‘No. _No_. She’s probably covered in fleas, Jae!’

   ‘Then we could get rid of the fleas?’ said Jaehyun with a sheepish grin.

   ‘No. I can’t – I can’t have something around the house. Not right now. My head’s a mess as it is.’

   Jaehyun nodded slowly and looked down. ‘Yeah, yeah of course. I get it. Let’s go inside.’

   Getting home was the only good thing that had happened to Doyoung that day.

   As soon as he was through the door, he collapsed onto the couch.

   It had been several months since they had moved into the apartment, but despite their pledge to replace the slightly sagging sofa that the previous tenants had left behind, they had never quite had the heart to actually do so.

   ‘Hey, come on, let’s get you to the bed, not the couch,’ murmured Jaehyun. ‘I’ll make you something to eat.’

   After his second collapse, this time in the bed that they’d spent quite some time layering up with various collections of sheets and blankets, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to move again for several months. He crawled into Jaehyun’s side of the bed so that he could smell the familiar aftershave on the pillow. Above everything else in the world, that could always make him feel better. It was strong, leather-based and tinged with bergamot, and _ambrette_. Vintage. Classy. Jaehyun.

   ‘Here,’ said Jaehyun after what might have been some time. He’d returned with a mug that Doyoung recognised immediately by scent as ginger tea, and a bowl, rice porridge. He climbed into the bed beside Doyoung and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. ‘I told you not to go into work and you said you were fine.’

   Doyoung rested his face against his chest and closed his eyes, concentrating on his heartbeat. ‘I lied.’

   ‘I know,’ said Jaehyun with a gentle smile. ‘I knew this morning. I can always tell when you’re lying.’

   Doyoung opened his eyes long enough to pick at his food, prodding the spoon at the surface moodily because he really did have no appetite but he knew that his boyfriend would watch him until he ate. ‘Did you hear from the school?’

   ‘I did,’ smiled Jaehyun, ‘I can start not Monday but _next_ Monday.’

   Doyoung bit his lip and nodded. He knew that it was selfish to wish that Jaehyun could just stay home all the time; he was always at work _himself_ so it wasn’t like he got days at home with Jaehyun, but he liked the thought that Jaehyun was _here_ , like this, during the day for him to return home to.

   Jaehyun had taken to his school work like a fish to water. At first, Doyoung had wondered whether he would enjoy it because he’d always seemed so focussed on teaching at university, but it transpired that Jaehyun was extraordinarily good with younger kids. Apparently, he was the most popular tutor at the school. This would last only a year though, Doyoung knew, because Jaehyun had already starting reconnecting with his contacts from college.

   He was looking for a lecturing job.

   Whether that would mean he had more or less time at home, Doyoung wasn’t sure yet.

*

   On the day that Jaehyun was to start his new volunteering position, Doyoung woke up early. He’d been waking up early a lot over the last few weeks, unable to sleep through the night. He usually slipped out of bed at four or five in the morning, and went to his computer. There was so much work to be done. Ten was normally up by that time, so he would text him too about the day ahead. Only Yukhei slept in.

   Today was no different. He booted up his desktop and opened his terminal. His background was black and his input text lurid green, lighting up his corner of the living room with a ghoulish glow.

   He was writing a new programme for a trading platform. It was a side project, he supposed, one that had been thrown his way even though one of his team could probably have managed it. He still wasn’t good at delegating.

   For an hour or so, he played around.

   ‘You’re up early again,’ Jaehyun’s voice whispered, and he looked around in surprise. The morning had crept up on him.

   ‘Mm. I have a lot of work to do.’

   ‘Always,’ he sighed, and then he pressed a kiss to the crown of Doyoung’s head. ‘That green isn’t good for your eyes. You should change it.’

   ‘It keeps me awake,’ said Doyoung, as if this were a good thing. ‘Did you know that green is used in night vision goggles because the human eye is most sensitive to shades of that colour?’

   ‘I did not.’

   ‘Green was also the favourite colour of George Washington. He had the dining rooms at Mount Vernon painted green. He believed that it was not only pleasing on the eye but the best colour to aid digestion.’

   ‘Digestion, huh?’ Jaehyun laughed as he went to the kitchen. ‘Nice.’

   Doyoung followed him, and then frowned when he saw him mashing up some kind of unpleasant concoction. ‘What is _that_?’

   ‘It’s for the kitten,’ said Jaehyun.

   ‘You’re still feeding her? Oh _Jae_ she’ll keep coming back. She’ll think you’re her mom.’

   ‘I’ve been feeding her since I found her, Doie, she needs me. And it’s freezing outside, I really think we should bring her indoors.’

   Doyoung ran a hand through his hair. ‘Jae, we had this conversation. I – you know me – I can’t – I can’t have something around that I don’t know – it’s - ’

   ‘I know,’ said Jaehyun. ‘I know. So I’m doing what I can, okay?’

   Doyoung nodded. He felt guilty. ‘I can’t believe it’s your first day at a new job, _again_ ,’ he said in a happier voice, trying to be uplifting.

   ‘Yeah, it’s crazy, right?’

   ‘I’m going to make such a great dinner for when you get home.’ For so many weeks, it had been Jaehyun who had been doing the cooking. Now, though, Doyoung would take charge. He wanted to celebrate.

   ‘I can’t _wait_ ,’ breathed Jaehyun, and he turned to kiss Doyoung. It was long, slow, with hands on his hips that pulled him in close.

   ‘I’ll try to get off work early. I have a meeting at three but that shouldn’t go on too long and then I’ll be out.’

   ‘I’m counting down the minutes.’

*

   Doyoung spent the entire day planning for the evening. He was distracted, even in his meetings, and he worked his way through his in-tray with due diligence but little _interest_. Life outside work was still adamantly his priority even if he had a hard time showing it at the minute.

   He was already halfway home when he received the text from Jaehyun.

   **Jae (17:05):** I just went out for drinks with a couple of the guys from work so I’ll be a bit late home x

   Doyoung sighed and allowed his thumbs to hover over the screen for a moment. He’d been looking forward to an evening in with his boyfriend.

   **Doie (17:07):** How late?

   It was a few minutes before he replied.

   **Jae (17:18):** Not too late!

   The heart emoji at the end didn’t make Doyoung feel much better. And love over text had never had quite the same effect as when Jaehyun would draw him a heart on one of his notes.

   Once he was back in the apartment, he decided to concentrate on food. Cooking had always been therapeutic for him. He liked the focus of it. When he was cooking, for once thoughts of work and code were pushed to the back of his mind. Soon enough, though, he put the ribs that he was preparing into the slow-cooker, and then went back to his computer as if dragged there by magnets. He couldn’t help it.

   From work, he had brought home three files marked urgent. The covers were semi-concealed by post-its that he’d stuck across them with reminders to himself. _By Thursday_ , read one of them, so he peeled that off first and stuck it to the plastic of his monitor as a reminder.

   Every few minutes, he glanced at his phone, but he hadn’t heard anything from Jaehyun. He tried not to think about it. It was his first day at a new job and he was probably enjoying spending time with his new colleagues.

   He couldn’t stop himself from picking up his phone again, though. And again. At one point, he even sent a message asking what sort of time he would be home, but then he hated himself for sounding clingy so he quickly threw the phone to the other side of the desk and buried his face into his arms on the desk.

   It didn’t matter, because Jaehyun didn’t reply anyway.

   When it got to eight o’clock, Doyoung ate. He’d pushed and pushed his routine but he liked to do things at the time that he normally did, so he gave in. If he ate too late, he wouldn’t sleep, and if he didn’t sleep he’d be exhausted at work tomorrow, and if he was exhausted at work then important jobs wouldn’t get done and then he’d have to stay late and he wouldn’t make it home in time for dinner _tomorrow_ and the whole cycle would repeat.

   When it got to nine o’clock, he moved to the couch and worked there for a while on his laptop. He wanted to text Jaehyun again to ask if he was okay but he knew that it was stupid. He knew that worrying about him falling in the Han River, or choking on a cocktail olive, wasn’t a good enough reason to disturb him. Those thoughts, though, were the sort that always seemed to hover in his mind when they were apart.

   Did other people worry about that stuff? 

   Did Jaehyun worry about it, about _him_?

   _No_. Doyoung was sure that it was just something that his mind alone did not sit comfortably with.

   At ten, he moved to the bed and started to work _there_.

   He could work in every spot in the apartment.

   His phone buzzed, and he looked at it excitedly, but it was Yukhei.

   **Xuxi (22:13):** I recorded this documentary on bees on my TV you gotta come round to watch it!! Not like right now. Like tomorrow. Come round tomorrow.

   Doyoung smiled. Yukhei had two modes: partying, and recording documentaries on the television to share with him. He’d done that ever since they were kids. Sometimes it was things that Doyoung wasn’t really that interested in, but he always went round to watch them anyway and he usually ended up learning something.

   Doyoung texted him back, and then sighed.

   He moved from on the bed to in the bed, settling under the covers. There was a pulse in his head, and he rubbed his eyes, praying that he wasn’t going to get another migraine.

   His phone buzzed again, and he jumped to it, but this time it was Ten.

   **Ten (22:39):** How was Jaehyun’s first day?

   Doyoung sighed and tapped his fingers at the side of his phone case. Without fail, Ten checked in on the developments in Doyoung’s relationship. He framed it like casual friendly interest, but Doyoung knew his friend better than that: Ten liked to check that everything was going _well_. Although, he wasn’t sure what the consequences would be if they were going badly.

   How could he reply?

   He didn’t know the answer.

   He put the phone back on the opposite pillow and turned over. He was definitely starting to feel sick.

   The evening edged into night, and he would have slept but he found it so hard to sleep without Jaehyun beside him these days.

   It was probably half an hour after midnight that he heard the front door. He squashed his face in the pillow and exhaled half in relief, because his heart rate never really settled until he knew that Jaehyun was home safe, and half in nervous anticipation.

   He listened as Jaehyun crept around the apartment with remarkable quietness if he’d been drinking, but he supposed it wasn’t that surprising. Even if he went out late, Jaehyun never got drunk. He was a two-glasses-of-wine and then coffee type. He listened as he went to the kitchen, and then as the bedroom door creaked just slightly as it opened.

   ‘You don’t have to sneak, I’m still awake,’ he mumbled, putting him out of his misery.

   ‘Shit,’ Jaehyun sighed, ‘did I wake you up?’

   ‘No,’ said Doyoung. He leant over to switch on his bedside lamp, not eager to face the glare of the main light. ‘I didn’t go to sleep yet.’

   ‘I’m sorry I’m so late,’ whispered Jaehyun. ‘I didn’t realise. I got the last train when I saw the time.’

   ‘It’s fine.’

   Jaehyun slipped off his coat. He had brought the cold in with him, a rush of icy air from the winter outside that didn’t belong in their warm home.

   ‘Did you have fun?’ asked Doyoung, but his voice sounded flat.

   ‘Yeah, yeah it was cool. A couple of the guys said we should go for drinks so I thought right, cool, one drink, but then they took me to this great Japanese place for food. Apparently it’s kind of a school tradition. And then after - ’

   ‘You could have texted,’ sighed Doyoung, ‘I made food. I wouldn’t have if I’d known you’d eaten.’

   Jaehyun paused. ‘I - _shit,_ I completely forgot.’

   ‘I told you this morning that I was going to make your favourite.’

   ‘Doie I’m sorry,’ he groaned. ‘I’m the worst.’

   ‘I put it in the fridge. You can take it for lunch tomorrow. I got nice wine too but I guess we can have it at the weekend.’

   ‘Doyoung… are you… are you pissed at me?’

   ‘Yep.’

   He wouldn’t usually say something like that, but he was tired and his headache was coming back.

   Jaehyun took a breath, then looked down. ‘They’re my new colleagues, Doie, I couldn’t really walk out.’

   ‘You could have texted. I messaged you but you didn’t reply. I just didn’t know you’d be so late. You know what I’m like. I know I’m annoying but I’m – you know I get worried and I just need to _know_ and - ’

   ‘I forgot. I’m sorry. Genuinely. I’m an idiot.’

   ‘I’m going to sleep,’ Doyoung whispered. ‘I have to get up early tomorrow, I have an 8am meeting.’

   ‘Baby - ’

   ‘Did you have a good first day?’

   He heard Jaehyun’s sigh. ‘Yeah, I did. It was great.’

   ‘Tell me all about it tomorrow,’ mumbled Doyoung, before he rolled over onto his side, facing the opposite window.

*

   ‘What are you up to?’

   Doyoung didn’t turn around. He’d been awake for an hour already, but he’d called in to take the morning off. He really, _really_ didn’t feel like working. Ten and Yukhei wouldn’t mind a few hours without him. They could take his meeting. ‘Making breakfast.’

   Jaehyun seemed to hesitate before wrapping his arms around his waist from behind, perhaps worried that he was in trouble. ‘That’s… breakfast?’ he pulled a nervous face.

   ‘For the cat.’

   ‘Oh thank God. I thought you were gonna make me eat that as retribution for coming home late.’

   A smile found its way onto Doyoung’s face at last.

   It was raining outside, heavily, that horrible sort of sleet that came with the winter. Though the space heater in the apartment was good enough, Doyoung could imagine how cold it was outside. In a battle between his nice routine and his soft heart, the soft part won. ‘We should bring her upstairs,’ he said.

   ‘We – we can?’ Jaehyun exhaled. ‘Thanks, Doie.’

   Doyoung nodded and went back to the mushy-looking plate of food. ‘I’m sorry I snapped at you last night,’ he said quietly.

   Jaehyun kissed his cheek and then pulled away. ‘You were right to snap at me. I should have texted. I’m sorry.’

   ‘I’m just really stressed,’ he kneaded his forehead with his fingertips. ‘I’m so stressed every day with work and I just – I need to feel… like I know what’s going on. It just made me anxious.’

   ‘I know, babe, I know,’ he murmured.

   ‘How _was_ your first day?’

   ‘Oh the kids are amazing,’ he breathed as he walked to the coffee machine. ‘They’re so great.’

   ‘How were the staff?’

   Jaehyun turned and leant against the counter with a smirk. ‘Alright, but I’d definitely rather spend my evenings with you in future.’

   Doyoung held up his finished, quite unappetising masterpiece, and glanced at the window where the rain was thudding relentlessly against the glass. ‘Okay. Let’s go find this cat.’

   ‘You know once she’s in, she won’t be going back out again?’

   Doyoung sighed, resigned to this new reality, but there was a smile there. ‘Yes. I know.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	18. Chapter 18

   Doyoung watched the cat curiously.

   _Cinnamon._ Named for the huge jar of it that she had knocked over and smashed on her first day in the kitchen.

   She was a strange little thing, but he was starting to grow oddly attached. Initially, he had left her to Jaehyun. He was sure that she liked him more anyway, and Doyoung wasn’t the soft petting type. And yet, she seemed to have developed a bit of a fascination for him, and now, especially when Jaehyun was out and Doyoung was around, she’d started to make Doyoung’s lap her new home.

   He looked down at her now, as she wobbled around in several circles and then seemed to settle, kneading at his thighs.

   ‘She really likes you,’ said Ten.

   Doyoung scratched quickly behind her ears. ‘Do you know why cats knead?’ When both Yukhei and Ten just raised their eyebrows, he continued. ‘It’s because they pad at their mothers to nurse when they’re babies. So they associate it with comfort.’

   Yukhei, who was more of a dog person, pulled a face. ‘Lovely.’

   ‘So what did you want from us?’ asked Ten.

   ‘Who says I want anything?’

   ‘You see us every day at work. If you’ve invited us round to the apartment specifically while Jaehyun is out, there’s something behind it.’

   Doyoung sighed at his own transparency. ‘Okay I need your help.’

   ‘Told you,’ Ten said smugly to Yukhei.

   ‘I want to do something for Jae.’

   ‘What sort of something?’

   Doyoung bit his lip. ‘I’m not sure. I feel like I’ve been so… _absent_ recently. What with work being so - ’

   ‘Horrible?’ suggested Yukhei.

   ‘With work being so _busy_. And I know we’ve been together a long time. I mean we’ve got a big anniversary coming up this year, so -’

   ‘Yeah, you really have,’ laughed Yukhei, ‘fuck we’re all getting old.’

   ‘I know that we’re adults now and it’s not like being at college and we can’t live in the honeymoon period forever. And we’re both so busy of course but I don’t _want_ to just be like… like _roommates_. That’s how it feels right now.’

   ‘When was the last time you went on a date?’ asked Ten.

   ‘I…’ Doyoung looked down. ‘I took him with me to the mobile conference three weeks ago.’

   ‘Yeah, no, work doesn’t count,’ Yukhei rolled his eyes.

   ‘That’s why I need your _help_ ,’ Doyoung sighed. ‘It’s Jae’s birthday in a couple of weeks and I want to do something but I don’t know _what_. I want… I want to wow him. It’s his birthday _and_ Valentine’s. But Jae’s always been the romantic one, he’s the one that comes up with all the special things for me. I don’t know what to do.’

   ‘So you called the two most chronically single guys that you know for romance advice?’

   ‘Well… yes.’

   ‘Good plan,’ Ten smirked.

   ‘You know what I think is a romantic date?’ said Yukhei. ‘ _Driving_. You can borrow my car because there’s nothing romantic about that monstrosity you have now – is it even road safe? Every time Jaehyun picks you up I want to burn it. Anyway, a nice convertible, in the sun…’

   ‘It’s not summer,’ said Doyoung.

   ‘And Doyoung can’t drive,’ added Ten.

   ‘Incorrect. I _can_ drive. I choose not to.’ Doyoung had worked hard for his license, whether he elected to put it to use or not, so his tone was defensive.

   ‘How about recreating your first date?’ suggested Ten.

   ‘I don’t even know what our first date _was_ ,’ Doyoung sighed. ‘Was it when we met at the library? Was it all the _other_ times we met at the library? Was it the first time we went for coffee together? Jae and I sort of went straight from strangers to soulmates.’

   ‘Why don’t you go away together? You know Jaehyun loves to travel.’

   Doyoung pulled a face. ‘There’s no _time_. I can’t just pack up and leave work, and nor can _he_. He’s Monday-to-Friday now, remember?’

   ‘How about a staycation?’

   ‘What’s a staycation?’ he said, turning to Ten with interest.

   ‘Well it’s when you have a holiday but you don’t really go away. You just stay home or go places you can drive or you hang out in your city,’ he shrugged.

   ‘That sounds like the worst vacation _ever_ ,’ said Yukhei with a look of disgust.

   Doyoung, however, didn’t think so. In _his_ mind, that was the very best kind of vacation. A holiday without the stress of going away? Where he could sleep in his own bed? Perfect. Jaehyun, though, well… ‘Jae likes _travel_ travel,’ he said, jumping a little as Ten scooped the cat from his lap and held her in his arms instead. Ten, too, was surprisingly fond of her.

   ‘Jaehyun likes _you_ , Doyoung. He’ll be happy with anything so long as you’re there. Trust me. His birthday’s on a Sunday, right?’

   ‘Mm.’

   ‘So just make him his dream home weekend. _Romantic_ , Doyoungie, _romantic_ ,’ Ten stressed.

   ‘Romantic,’ he sighed.

   Jaehyun was the romantic one.

*

   Doyoung crept around the apartment with even more care than he usually did. He knew that Jaehyun had woken up when he had got out of bed, because he’d tried to catch him around the waist to pull him back under the covers, but Doyoung had managed to free himself and he hoped that Jaehyun had fallen asleep again. There were all sorts of things that he wanted to get ready.

   He undid the string-tied bundle of notes that he’d written at his desk in the office – twenty-five of them. They amounted to nothing in comparison to the thousand at _least_ that he was sure Jaehyun must have written him so far, but they were all thought out in intricate detail. He’d treated them the way he treated his work: with love and care and focus. Around the apartment, he placed each note, strategically. Every single one included a love poem that he’d found in a stack of Jaehyun’s books, which he’d smuggled to work with him.

   After that, he set about the small collection of flowers that he’d picked out from the window-boxes on the balcony. He arranged them with fine, delicate fingers, into a glass he’d taken from the kitchen, and he placed that down on the small table at which they ate their meals.

   To his surprise, he found himself smiling.

   This sort of thing had always been Jaehyun’s brand, but actually it was fun. He could be romantic. He’d learned from the best, after all, having spent the majority of his time with Jaehyun for years.

   He took down the ingredients for the breakfast that he wanted to make, and then turned the last envelope that he’d kept over and over in his hands as he walked back to the hall.

   _Romantic_ , he reminded himself.

   Back in the bedroom, he crawled straight into the bed and pecked a quick kiss to Jaehyun’s lips. He felt them turn up in a small smile, and then his boyfriend murmured, ‘what were you up to?’

   ‘Nothing,’ said Doyoung. Then he kissed him again, on the cheek. He could tell that Jaehyun was surprised; he was never this affectionate in the mornings. ‘Happy birthday,’ he whispered.

   Jaehyun propped himself up on his elbows and raised his eyebrows. ‘It’s not my birthday yet. And I _know_ you wouldn’t possibly get a date wrong so…’

   ‘Well we’ve got your birthday and Valentine’s so I concluded that a two-day celebration was best.’

   ‘You’ve been planning?’ he smiled.

   ‘You know I have,’ sighed Doyoung. ‘I told you to keep the weekend free.’

   ‘Well, the last time that you arranged a date for us, we spent eleven hours at the science museum, so I’m intrigued as to what you’re offering today.’

   ‘Happy birthday,’ Doyoung whispered again and he placed the envelope into Jaehyun’s hand.

   Jaehyun flipped it open easily. Doyoung watched his hands, always enjoying the fluid movements of his narrow fingers. When he unfolded the card, Jaehyun frowned. ‘I don’t… what is it?’

   ‘You know what it is,’ said Doyoung, sounding an awful lot like one of his school teachers.

_01101001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101._

It wasn’t his most verbose declaration of love, though Jaehyun had always been the poet anyway.

   ‘Binary code?’ suggested Jaehyun with a smile. ‘What does it say?’

   ‘Guess.’

   ‘Happy birthday?’

   ‘Nope.’

   Jaehyun ran his fingers into Doyoung’s hair and stroked his thumb across his temple. ‘I love you?’

   Doyoung beamed. ‘It’s like _I love you_ , but in my language.’

   Jaehyun laughed and looked back to the little card. ‘I will keep this with me forever, Doie.’ Then his face softened in that serious kind of way. ‘I mean it.’

   ‘Good,’ said Doyoung. ‘Do you know I still carry your first note to me everywhere that I go?’

   ‘You do?’ Jaehyun said in surprise.

   ‘I’ve had it in my wallet nearly five years. It’s all worn out, though. You can barely read it anymore. But that doesn’t matter, I have it memorised.’

   ‘What did I say again?’

   ‘You may have mentioned my glasses.’

   ‘ _Oh_ ,’ Jaehyun sighed with a sly smile. ‘Well _you_ do know that I still love you in glasses, right?’

   Doyoung sat back and laughed softly. Even now, it was a relief to him, because unlike his boyfriend he would absolutely never wear contacts. The thought of anything getting that close to his eyes was repellent. ‘Really?’

   ‘You’re beautiful all the time babe but when I see you looking all smartened up? Suit _and_ glasses?’ he sighed theatrically. ‘It drives me crazy. You’re irresistible.’

   Doyoung bit his lip and looked down.

   ‘What?’ Jaehyun asked automatically.

   Doyoung shook his head. ‘It’s just been a while since we… you know… just… _flirted_.’

   ‘Right,’ Jaehyun sighed. ‘I fucking hate being busy.’

   There was a shared nod of agreement, then Doyoung stood up and stretched out again. ‘Well not this weekend. This weekend it’s all us. And I’ve got loads planned. I’m going to make you breakfast now.’

   ‘What are you making?’ asked Jaehyun, eyes gleaming with interest.

   ‘No spoilers.’

   He walked back to the kitchen, unsure of whether Jaehyun would follow him straight away or go to shower first. His question was answered when he heard the water start to run, so he smiled to himself, because he took his rules about spoilers very seriously. Two years earlier, he had managed to commit to _four weeks_ of not speaking to Yukhei just because he had spoiled one miniscule detail from _Iron Man._

   He was ten minutes into his complex pancake tower construction when Jaehyun appeared in the doorway, leant against the frame.

   Doyoung looked up and nearly choked on the blueberry that he had chosen that moment to eat.

   Jaehyun was shirtless, and his hair was dripping steadily down onto his shoulders. He lounged there lazily, hands in the pockets of low-slung sweatpants. ‘Since we’re flirting, after all,’ he said with a shrug.

   ‘Put some clothes on,’ Doyoung rolled his eyes and looked back at his cooking, but Jaehyun just crossed over and wrapped his arms around him.

   ‘Pancakes? _American_ pancakes? How irregular.’

   Doyoung cleared his throat. ‘I took your travel list. I’m making you a meal from every country in the top ten. Since we don’t have time to actually go away.’

   Jaehyun paused and then squeezed him tightly and kissed his neck. ‘Thank you,’ he whispered.

   ‘And this evening, we’re going out, so make sure your hair dries with the right parting,’ he smiled.

   Finally, Jaehyun released him and quickly rearranged his wet hair. ‘Where are we going?’

   ‘Japan,’ remarked Doyoung. ‘A culinary journey.’

   Jaehyun exhaled. ‘Perfect.’

*

   Wealth had been, for a long time, both familiar and unfamiliar to Doyoung. It was familiar to him because he had grown up around Yukhei, who had been dripping with money since they were four years old. Doyoung hadn’t noticed it when they were very little, but the older they got, the more apparent it became; somewhere along the road, Doyoung had discovered that _Rolex_ , for the right price, would adjust a watch to fit a child.

    On the other hand, it was unfamiliar. Doyoung hadn’t grown up rich. He hadn’t grown up poor, either, not like Ten, but he’d grown up somewhere in the middle. Excess wealth had been something he’d seen on a daily basis, something he’d brushed shoulders with, but not something that he’d personally enjoyed.

   Now, he had it. Or he was starting to have it. The company’s months of intense stress and brought with them rewards.

   And he still didn’t enjoy it, because there wasn’t much about it to… enjoy.

   Doyoung had never been very interested in money. Of the three of them, it was Ten who targeted it most ferociously and Yukhei who _spent_ the most. Doyoung just took his paycheque home and paid for the apartment and banked the rest for a rainy day. He didn’t see the point in throwing it away on other things.

   But tonight, he had committed to spending.

   If it was one thing that he would spend his money on, it was Jaehyun’s birthday.

   He had booked them a table, the best table, at an extraordinarily expensive Japanese restaurant set amongst the upper floors of one of Seoul’s tallest buildings. In the dramas that Jaehyun occasionally watched on TV, these were the sorts of places that they went to for romantic dates.

   ‘What?’ he pressed when he saw Jaehyun smiling in a barely concealed laugh at the menu.

   ‘This is just _so_ not you,’ he said.

   Doyoung felt himself turn pink. ‘I’m trying to be romantic.’

   ‘Well it’s very charming,’ laughed Jaehyun. ‘Where did you learn?’

   Doyoung shrugged. ‘From you of course. Ten and Yukhei helped. And I do pay attention sometimes when you have the TV on.’

   Jaehyun took his hand on the table and lifted it to press a gentle kiss to his palm. ‘Well you know that this is great, right? But I do still love the science museum too.’

   ‘People say that place is only for kids but I’m telling you the exhibitions - ’ Doyoung started, but then he just looked down at his drink. ‘Sometimes I worry that I’m not… you know… that I can’t do this sort of stuff well enough to impress you.’

   ‘You don’t have to impress me, Doie. We’re nearly five years in, I’d say that I’m sufficiently _wooed_.’

   ‘If I _did_ want to be romantic, though, what would be the top tips?’

   Jaehyun laughed and looked around as if for inspiration. ‘You really want me to show you?’

   ‘Please, _please_ take over,’ Doyoung grinned, the full smile that he kept only for Jaehyun. ‘I’m exhausted. All romanced-out. What would you do? Since this is your territory.’

   Jaehyun met his eyes with a look that was so ferocious in love that Doyoung almost wanted to look away. ‘Well,’ he sighed, holding Doyoung’s hand in both of his, ‘I’d probably start with a note but you already did that part. Excellent work, by the way. Then I’d say something _horribly_ romantic to you. The sort of thing that makes you roll your eyes.’

   ‘ _Like_ …?’ Doyoung pushed.

   ‘I’d tell you how when you smile like that it makes me believe there’s so much worth loving in this world. You’re a constant reminder of light, of sun, of… this untarnished sort of goodness. You make me want to get out of bed in the morning and go out and enjoy the world.’

   Doyoung cocked his head to the side. ‘See this is why I let you take over. What next?’

   ‘I’d… slow the pace. See, that’s where the art lies. That’s why you wore yourself out, because you did so much this morning. You have to go quiet for a while, let there be things that are unspoken, let little questions creep into the air because that’s what builds the tension.’

   ‘I need tension?’ said Doyoung in surprise. He was recording all this in his mind, the science of romance.

   Jaehyun let go of his hands and fiddled with his cutlery. He looked distracted, concentrating on that one thing as though deep in thought. ‘Tension is how you build up to the big moment. Every romantic date needs the big moment. It’s when you stop on the bridge and just watch the water together, or you bring in the dessert with the sparklers, or you look out over the city and say _I-love-you_ for the first time. That way, just when you’re both getting tired, you wake yourselves up. Open each other’s eyes.’

   Doyoung frowned. ‘I didn’t plan a big moment.’

   ‘Well let’s think of one. Come on, babe, it’s your night.’

   ‘We could – well we could go up to the roof.’

   At that, Jaehyun looked rather impressed. ‘The _roof_? There _is_ a romantic in you.’

   ‘I did a full analysis of the building before we arrived. There’s a helipad on the roof, so there should be reasonable access. I don’t know what we’ll do if there’s _security_ though. Perhaps we - ’

   ‘Ah!’ Jaehyun put up a hand to stop him. ‘There’s no going back now. If my Doie wants to be spontaneous, then we’re _being_ spontaneous. Besides, you always loved your school jailbreaks with Yukhei and Ten.’

   ‘What if we can’t find a way - ’

   Jaehyun lifted out the bottle of champagne from their ice bucket, and held it up. ‘Well, we won’t know if we don’t try.’

   Spontaneity, Doyoung’s big moment, was a little less spontaneous than it might have been if Jaehyun was the driving force. Doyoung insisted that they stop to pay for their champagne, and he flatly refused to enter the dark emergency stairwell that would probably have been their best chance of reaching the rooftop. They found themselves, both dressed to the nines according to the dress code of the restaurant they’d left behind, wandering corridors.

   ‘Keycode access,’ Doyoung sighed, glaring at the dial that now blocked their path. ‘It must be offices.’

   Jaehyun groaned aloud and then slid slowly down the nearest wall until he was sat on the floor. ‘This building hates us.’

   After a moment, Doyoung sat down next to him. Jaehyun took a very large swig of the champagne and then passed the bottle over. ‘Do you know what? I actually like this building,’ said Doyoung. ‘It’s why I booked our table here. That and the Japanese food that we’ll now never get to eat.’

   ‘We’ll go back downstairs later,’ Jaehyun laughed.

   The corridor was dimly lit only by the motion sensory overhead panels. Doyoung looked down. ‘I’d like to work in this building. And we need new offices. I wonder whether we could get a contract to - ’

   ‘Doyoung?’

   ‘Mm?’

   ‘Top tip: no business when we’re being romantic.’

   ‘Oh, oh yes,’ he gave a soft laugh too. ‘Sorry. It’s habit.’

   There was a silence.

   ‘If I’d planned all this properly then we would have had a dinner waiting for us on the rooftop, and then the _big moment_ would have been a fireworks show.’

   Jaehyun frowned and looked up at the ceiling. ‘Well, the big moment doesn’t have to be flashy. I mean I’d say… this is a moment, right?’

   Doyoung looked to his face, then nodded. ‘Yes,’ he whispered. ‘It’s a moment.’ He wished that it could have been somewhere more romantic than a dusty corridor on a trodden-in carpet with the clanking of elevators just down the hall but… strangely, there was a moment. He leant in and kissed Jaehyun, lips just brushing over his. ‘I love you,’ he said, so close that the words were almost lost in their breath. ‘Jae you know I love you more than anything in my world, right?’

   ‘I love you too,’ he murmured, and his hand rested around the back of Doyoung’s neck to pull him closer for a more passionate kiss.

   Only when the lights flickered out, forgetting they were there, plunging them into darkness, did they break apart.

   ‘Not a bad big moment,’ whispered Jaehyun, and Doyoung didn’t need to see him to visualise every detail in his mind. He knew many things, but he knew nothing in such intricate detail as the angles of Jaehyun’s face. ‘We’ll make an _old-school_ romantic out of you yet, Kim Dongyoung.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)
> 
> thank you everyone for reading <3 i really hope you enjoyed it!


	19. Chapter 19

**September, 2010**

   ‘Doie, have you seen my draft?’

   ‘It’s on my desk. I was reading it last night.’

   Jaehyun darted past him, catching him by the waist and planting a quick kiss to his cheek, before picking up the pale blue file from atop Doyoung’s computer keyboard.

   The morning was racing by. The mornings _always_ seemed to race by at the moment. Jaehyun was meeting for coffee with one of his old lecturers and was collecting up every document he had for the article he’d been working on quietly for the last few months. Doyoung needed to be in the office as early as possible because he and Ten and Yukhei were all required to sign off on a lease for their first US office, and he’d fallen asleep at his desk the previous night so nothing was where he liked it.

   Doyoung relied on his routine. When it was disturbed, he could never quite get his mornings to work out right.

   ‘I made you a lunch box,’ said Jaehyun, ‘and it’s _really_ good. You’re short two rolls though because I didn’t have time to make _myself_ a breakfast and I ate them.’

   ‘You should take care of yourself first,’ said Doyoung. He was acutely aware that for most of their lives, Jaehyun had put his care of Doyoung ahead his care of himself. The older he got, the more independent Doyoung felt, and he was trying to get Jaehyun to think of himself first sometimes. It was strange, because he supposed that Ten and Yukhei and Jaehyun had probably felt like this since they were teenagers, but Doyoung had always taken things at his own pace and it was only now that he felt in _control_ of his life.

   However chaotic it might be.

   ‘I take care of Cinnamon first,’ said Jaehyun with a wink.

   That was true. Somehow she seemed to have found herself at the very top of _both_ of their lists of priorities.

   ‘I can’t wait ‘til you sign on the dotted line,’ Jaehyun continued. He was searching now for his good-casual shoes. ‘We can visit New York together.’

   Doyoung nodded. Another big city, another long-haul flight, another unfamiliar hotel room, but he would go for Jaehyun. Jaehyun had done enough for him, after all.

   ‘Okay, I’m ready,’ Jaehyun straightened up. ‘I’ll see you later.’

   ‘Love you,’ said Doyoung, and he leant close for Jaehyun to kiss him again.

   It was brief, because Jaehyun was already half out of the door, but they never parted without this. ‘Love you too.’

   Once the door was closed, Doyoung set back about getting ready himself. He went to find the box that Jaehyun had prepared for him. Jaehyun knew that Doyoung didn’t like eating out that much because the menus never pre-warned him of _all_ the ingredients and he preferred something that he knew, so it wasn’t unusual for one of the two of them to make a lunch for work.

   He picked up the box. It had a clear lid, so he smiled. There was a note tucked in there.

   Doyoung knew that he should wait for lunch, but for some reason restraint evaded him at that moment.

   He lifted the lid and unfolded the note.

   _Soon you’ll have an office on every continent._

_I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth._

_Jae x_

He shook his head but he couldn’t get the smile off his face. _Every_ continent. Clearly Jaehyun had not taken it into consideration that NCT were unlikely to have offices in Antarctica, given that there were no permanent residents and therefore business would be rather slow. He knew for a fact that at their peak, in the summer months, the numbers amounted to around 4000, and they were all research scientists.

   For a second, he tried to imagine what it would be like if Jaehyun was a scientist like that rather than a historian. He shuddered at the thought. No, he would _not_ be able to handle him disappearing for months on end to Antarctica.

*

   The day didn’t race by quite like the morning, in fact it seemed to slow more and more throughout the day. It always seemed that way at the moment, like the hours with Jaehyun in the mornings and evenings passed in a second, but the hours everywhere else strolled leisurely, without haste.

   Doyoung signed his name, he went for drinks at lunch with Ten and Yukhei who didn’t bat an eyelid at him eating a home-brought lunch while they ordered food because they were more than used to that.

   He went back to the office feeling slightly heady because even a couple of drinks seemed to hit him faster than they did his friends.

   In the office, he spent two hours going through his emails. _Two hours_. The more success that NCT got, the more time he spent answering emails. It was exhausting. And _frustrating_ because he was sure there were far better things he could be doing with his time.

   That was why he announced, to no one in particular but targeted somewhat towards Yukhei and Ten who were discussing something in the lobby, that he was going to get a secretary.

   ‘A what?’ said Yukhei in astonishment.

   ‘A secretary, Yukhei.’

   ‘But we already have a secretary,’ said Ten, nodding to the front desk. ‘In fact, we have three.’

   ‘Not a secretary for the company. A secretary for _me_.’

   ‘You are?’

   ‘Yes. I’m tired of spending half of my day every day answering calls and emails. I’m supposed to be a developer.’

   Yukhei and Ten exchanged a look.

   ‘ _What_?’

   ‘Nothing,’ Yukhei shrugged, ‘just thinking about how long it will take you to find someone you like enough to be your _personal_ secretary. I mean you waited nineteen years for your first boyfriend, but more importantly you went through three hundred candidates and a seven-interview process just to hire a development team.’

   Doyoung huffed and ignored him. They could laugh all they wanted, but he happened to still be with that boyfriend all these years later and his development team were the best in the country, so in his opinion he’d done rather _well_. His secretary would be no different.

   ‘Who even needs a secretary just for them anyway?’ Yukhei carried on. ‘Not me. I’m perfectly happy doing my work myself, thank you very much.’

   Doyoung knew that he was just saying this to prod at him, so he ignored that too.

   ‘So,’ started Ten, evidently bored of this subject already. ‘Big anniversary coming up. What have you got for Jaehyun?’

   Doyoung smiled more than a little smugly. ‘A signed first edition of his favourite book.’

   ‘Oh _nice_ ,’ said Yukhei and Ten in unison. ‘Have you got anything planned?’

   ‘Nope. Jae has taken over date duties again, thank God.’

   He was curious about what Jaehyun had planned for their fifth anniversary. Jaehyun treated every single date like a big one, let alone one of such significance as this.

   _Five years._

It was such a long time that every time Doyoung remembered it he felt butterflies.

   1825 days, it would be, since he had first laid eyes upon the love of his life.

   He couldn’t even imagine what his life would look like now if they had never met. He certainly wouldn’t have dated anyone else, or at least he didn’t _think_ he would have. He’d probably be lonely. Even at nineteen he’d craved the sort of love that he saw in stories, however much people had doubted it of him. By this age, he’d probably have been very closed off, very lonely, and very scared for a future that would seem to stretch in its emptiness.

   Ten and Yukhei might laugh at him sometimes, but he wondered what they thought of him and Jaehyun. Ten had only had one boyfriend that had extended beyond their time at college, and that had ended so badly that Doyoung was sure he never wanted one ever again. He certainly hadn’t been on a date since. And Yukhei? Well Yukhei saw _lots_ of people, but he never saw the same one twice.

   Sometimes Doyoung worried, because he didn’t want them to feel lonely.

   He knew, though, that both of them had a soulmate out there waiting for them, because he had found his.

   That confidence was reassuring. 

   From there, Doyoung was finally able to return to his proper work. He was reviewing a selection of designs that had been sent his way by his team. Over the last few weeks he had grown to quite enjoy that role. Admitting that he couldn’t do all the work himself had been hard, but now overseeing the work of others gave him a happy buzz. And he had the final word on everything, of course.

   And then at last, at _last,_ it was the moment that he waited all of his days for, when Jaehyun picked him up outside.

   Doyoung was most unlike his friends. Ten usually stayed in the office until the early hours of the morning, and Yukhei usually stayed until the clubs got busy before sliding out and going straight to party still in his work clothes.

   Doyoung, though?

   At the minute, he left at the same time every single day, on the very dot of the hour, because these days he was learning to value his limited time with his boyfriend above all else.

   Jaehyun arrived five minutes early, but Doyoung was already halfway down the stairs. This was a routine that he enjoyed very much. These days, as well, Jaehyun arrived in a car that gave Yukhei a happy little grin whenever he saw it out the window. They’d replaced the ‘monstrosity’ as Yukhei had called it once Doyoung had landed a very _large_ bonus.

   It wasn’t that important to Doyoung, but apparently not only to Yukhei but to _Jaehyun_ it was, so he’d attended dutifully to look around three different car showrooms. He’d been surprised – even after five years he’d never really thought of Jaehyun as the _car_ sort of guy as well as the _book_ sort of guy, but now that he had this new one his boyfriend couldn’t help showing it off around Seoul.

   To Doyoung, though, it was just a car.

   And the car was a barrier to the moment that he could finally collapse down on the couch and rest his head back on the arm and close his eyes.

   ‘You look cute like that,’ remarked Jaehyun as he passed by once they were home at last, brushing a hand over Doyoung’s forehead as he went and nudging the hair away from his eyes.

   ‘Tired?’

   ‘Resting,’ Jaehyun corrected. ‘You work too hard.’

   ‘You always tell me that,’ said Doyoung, without opening his eyes.

   There was a moment of quiet during which Doyoung figured Jaehyun had gone to feed the cat, and then he heard him settle down into the other armchair. He took a breath and Doyoung flickered one eye open.

   ‘So my coffee morning was good.’

   ‘Really?’ he propped himself up. ‘Did he like your article?’

   ‘Yep. He was pretty amazed that I’d managed to put it all together myself while I was volunteering.’

   ‘Then he underestimated you,’ said Doyoung, more than a little smugly.

   ‘It turns out that there was a reason he wanted to meet with me.’

   Doyoung sat up properly at this and frowned. ‘There was?’

   ‘What do you say to… a holiday?’

   He narrowed his eyes further. ‘What do you mean?’

   ‘Well, Dr. Kim offered me… a bit of an opportunity. Over in California.’

   ‘What kind of opportunity?’ Doyoung’s eyes widened.

   ‘Well, they have an opening for a guest lecturing slot at Berkeley, at the Center for Korean Studies. Just three lectures, three seminars. They want me to discuss my thesis. It would only be three weeks.’

   Doyoung’s mouth fell open. His mind raced. He went first to panic, but that dissipated quickly. A holiday. Three weeks. That was… doable. ‘Jae, that’s – that’s amazing.’ It would be hard to organise, but it would be doable. He wouldn’t have to say goodbye to Jaehyun.

   ‘You’ll come with me?’ Jaehyun whispered. ‘Doie, I won’t go without you.’

   Doyoung swallowed. ‘I – yes, of course I’ll come with you. I don’t know what I’ll do about work but I’ll come with you.’

   Just as he had thought earlier…

   Another plane. Another hotel.

   But that paled into insignificance compared to the thought of being away from Jaehyun for three weeks on end. That was an impossibility, whereas travelling with him was merely an inconvenience.

   ‘My love, when was the last time you took a week off? I think you’ve earned a miniature sabbatical.’

   Doyoung nodded and looked down. ‘A holiday. In California.’

   ‘You know I lived there when I was a kid, right?’

   ‘I remember.’

   ‘We can swing by my old house and I’ll show you the neighbourhood. God, there’s so much I’ll show you. And I thought, on the way home we could stop over in New York and visit your new offices.’

   ‘Great,’ Doyoung exhaled.

   It all sounded good, so he couldn’t quite figure out why his heart was pounding.

   Perhaps it was the realisation that everything was at last being set in motion. All of the time that Jaehyun had spent volunteering at the local schools had felt like a ticking time bomb, because deep in his gut, Doyoung knew that all of these colleges were the places that Jaehyun really wanted to be.

   This was just the first.

*

   ‘Don’t look.’

   ‘I can’t look,’ said Doyoung, ‘you have your hands over my eyes.’

   He squirmed to the side slightly when Jaehyun kissed his neck. ‘I know.’

   They had walked like this from the car, which Doyoung would have found unsettling in the company of anyone else but he trusted Jaehyun with his life ten times over and the loss of one sense didn’t seem so terrible.

   He knew that they were at the river, because even Jaehyun wasn’t good enough at multi-tasking to cover his eyes while driving. The river was an interesting choice. Five years was a long time to wind up here, such a short drive from home.

   ‘Happy Anniversary, Doyoung,’ murmured Jaehyun, close to his ear, and he finally lifted his hands away.

   There was a small patch of grass, with a view over the river lit by both moonlight and city lights, but the spot itself was lit by more than that. Jaehyun must have had some sort of stooge to organise all this but Doyoung didn’t think too hard about that, because he was too busy flitting his eyes between the four lanterns that set out their little square of perfect.

   It was like a picnic, he but figured that picnic was the wrong word for something that reflected five years.

   Jaehyun had set up a network of golden lights framing a blanket and three separate bottles of wine and a pile of books. ‘I brought several,’ he mused, ‘because I wasn’t sure what genre you would be in the mood for. But I know you’ve always loved me reading to you.’

   Doyoung’s heart broke and pieced itself back together in a split second. ‘I have,’ he whispered. ‘You did all this?’

   ‘Do you remember that this is the place where - ’

   ‘ - where you first told me you loved me,’ he finished. ‘You do know that I remember _everything,_ right?’

   ‘The exact spot,’ Jaehyun smiled. He smiled at him, in fact, for quite some time. There seemed to be cogs clicking behind his eyes, like he was deciding something that Doyoung wasn’t party to.

   So he enjoyed the smile.

   Sometimes, that smile still tore Doyoung apart in all the best ways.

   Five years. A long time.

   He was as used to Jaehyun’s face as his own, and sometimes he could go days and days where he didn’t appraise it with the focus that it deserved. Other times, though, he looked at him closer and he still couldn’t quite believe that Jaehyun was his. He noticed, in the street, how everyone stared at Jaehyun. He noticed the disappointment at bars or restaurants or clubs when Jaehyun would put an arm protectively around his shoulders and his many suitors would back away in realisation.

   Jaehyun was a work of art.

   Prince-Charming smile, sweet dimples, soft loving eyes.

   ‘I remember. I have to really concentrate,’ said Jaehyun, ‘to make sure that I can keep up with you. I have an impeccable memory for _us_ , though. I think I remember every date that we’ve ever had.’

   ‘How many dates would you say that we have per week? On average?’

   Jaehyun hummed in consideration. ‘Two? Less recently, but across all of our time together? Two or three.’

   ‘Well over 500 dates then. That’s a lot to remember. For you,’ he added with a small smile.

   ‘I wish I had your mind,’ whispered Jaehyun, looking into his eyes, ‘so that I could remember every little detail of our lives.’

   ‘Well we have a lot of notes that you’ve written me if you ever need to study,’ shrugged Doyoung.

   He had three drawers full of them, and a scrapbook. He had them in his wallet and on his desk at work and in his nightstand drawer. He had polaroid pictures with scrawled dreams of the future, and long love letters, and little notes that Jaehyun had slipped into every nook of their lives.

   ‘For you,’ said Jaehyun as they sat down and he popped a bottle before handing him a glass.

   ‘I can’t believe it’s been five years,’ whispered Doyoung.

   It felt like a lifetime ago that they had sat in this spot together for the first time. He had been a freshman in college, and now he was a businessman, or so they called him. In his mind, he would always be just the _computer guy_. He’d been living a dream that had turned to reality. First, the fantasy of his career, this pipe dream that was NCT, which had turned into everything he had over hoped it could be. But more importantly, Jaehyun. His college boyfriend, the one that he’d prayed he could keep but that statistics had warned him away from, now still his five years later.

   ‘It’s _raced_ by, hasn’t it?’ sighed Jaehyun, fiddling with the champagne bottle. He was playing with the foil, tearing it from the bottle neck. ‘A moment ago I was planning our first anniversary and now we’re here. I don’t know what happened.’

   ‘It’s true what they say, that the years go faster as you get older,’ said Doyoung.

   When he was younger, he’d had a devastating fear of his own mortality. Every tick of the clock had been an ominous threat that he was running out of time to make everything happen. He’d squeezed every hour out of the day in sheer desperation. Now, though, he was getting better at slowing down.

   ‘I know,’ said Jaehyun. ‘Doyoung I love you. I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world. I’d die for you, I’d live for you, I’d do everything in between for you.’

   Doyoung raised his eyebrows at the change of direction, but it wasn’t unwelcome.

   ‘Doie, I – five years is a very long time.’

   A part of Doyoung wanted to roll his eyes. _Yes!_ he wanted to scream. He’d been thinking that same thing for a week now. ‘I know,’ he said, though, in the most earnest of his voices.

   ‘A really long time. And… and it _is_ going faster, and in a way it scares me.’

   ‘Why?’ he whispered.

   ‘Because I’m turning into you,’ moaned Jaehyun. ‘I always feel like time is running out.’

   ‘It’s not. We have forever, Jae.’

   ‘But – but I want to spend forever _with_ you Doie, and I want that future written on paper.’

   ‘Like a note?’ he said automatically.

   Jaehyun laughed and looked down. He was winding the gold foil from the champagne bottle around his finger. ‘Well I was hoping for something more official.’

   ‘Like a contract?’

   Jaehyun’s eyes flickered back up though his face stayed quite low. ‘God I love you. You know that, right?’

   ‘I know,’ he murmured, ‘of course I know.’

   Jaehyun took a deep breath. ‘Kim Dongyoung, you know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you; that I _have_ to.’

   ‘Naturally.’

   Doyoung wasn’t really sure what he was getting at, but he liked it. Whenever Jaehyun went into his full-indulgent mode, he made sure to enjoy it. Listening to Jaehyun talk about how much he loved him was his favourite activity in the world.

   Jaehyun seemed to be skirting around the point, like he was nervous about something. ‘Do you think five years is long enough?’

   Doyoung frowned. ‘To build a house? Yes. To build a business empire? Perhaps not.’

   Jaehyun laughed and shook his head, like he knew something that Doyoung didn’t, and then he adjusted his position on the blanket and held up the twisted gold ring of foil that he had made.

   ‘Marry me?’ he murmured, and the words crashed around Doyoung’s ears like waves.

   He just about registered the ring in Jaehyun’s hand, the hand-spun, wobbly ring, but he couldn’t concentrate on it. He was trying to make sense of the words, first.

   Marry me.

   _Marry me_.

   Marry me marry me marry me.

   ‘You’re… I can’t… _Jung Jaehyun_!’ he spluttered. ‘There I was thinking I might have got the best anniversary present and you’re… the ring is made of _foil_.’

   ‘Well I wasn’t going to propose today,’ groaned Jaehyun, ‘I was going to keep all that separate from the anniversary. But then we sat down here and you look so beautiful and it’s where we first said _I love you_ and I just thought _perfect_ , this is the moment. But the ring is in a box under our bed. So I had to be creative.’

   Doyoung just stared and stared. His heart was pounding.

   _A ring._

Jaehyun had bought him _a ring_.

   And now he’d also _made_ him a ring.

   ‘Technically, you haven’t answered the question,’ said Jaehyun, with strain in his voice.

   Everything in his life seemed to settle, like everything that he had ever been stressed about faded into obscurity, and everything that he’d doubted in his life became concretely certain.

   ‘Well you know me. I don’t get answers wrong.’

   ‘Not ever,’ Jaehyun breathed.

   ‘Of course I’ll marry you,’ he whispered.

   He hadn’t really thought about it before, not that much. Marriage was one of those ceremonial kind of things that he hadn’t thought would suit him. An outdated institution that carried little interest for him.

   But the thought of being able to call Jaehyun his husband?

   Well that, suddenly, was _deeply_ appealing.

   And it felt _right_.

   Five years was a long time, after all.

   Jaehyun rested his hand at the nape of his neck and pulled him close for a kiss. ‘Thank God,’ he whispered against his lips. ‘Oh Doyoung, you have no idea how scared I’ve been about this.’

   ‘Scared? Did you really think there was any chance that I would say no?’ he laughed. He had to laugh, because he would cry otherwise. Already, his eyes were stinging, that fuzzy pain at the back that said that he was destined to shed tears.

   ‘I thought maybe you’d say that it was an outdated institution, some ceremonial kind of thing and - ’

   ‘Never,’ whispered Doyoung, like that was a ridiculous suggestion and not something that would ever cross his mind. ‘Not ever.’

   ‘I’ve sort of wanted to call you my husband for years,’ laughed Jaehyun. He took Doyoung’s hand into his and slid the foil ring onto his finger. ‘In my head, I think I’ve already thought of you that way for the last… four years?’

   ‘Now everyone else can think of us this way.’

   Doyoung stared at the ring.

   He needed to call Ten and Yukhei. He needed to call his parents.

   Right now, though, he didn’t want to talk to anyone else.

   ‘This…’ he swivelled it around on his finger, smiling at the scratch of the foil. ‘This makes forever certain, right?’

   ‘ _Most_ certainly,’ grinned Jaehyun. ‘Although you say that as if it wasn’t before.’

   Doyoung leant against his side and rested his head at the crook of Jaehyun’s neck. ‘I like it when it’s official too.’

   ‘Well you know it won’t be _official-_ official until I write it in a note, right?’ winked Jaehyun.

   ‘I’ll take your signature on a marriage certificate as proof enough.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter ^-^ 
> 
>  
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)  
> [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	20. Chapter 20

 

  **March, 2011**

   This was not how Jaehyun had imagined his wedding to look. There were certain things that were the same – ever since he was a kid, he’d known that there would be two grooms, and that the man opposite him would be intelligent and handsome and unswervingly kind, and that it would be the most important day of his life.

   The details that were unexpected, though?

   The fact that they were in the presence of three strangers, in a small, slightly dusty room. The fact that his soon-to-be-husband was wearing a blazer over the top of a Starfleet Academy tee. The fact that nobody seemed to be expecting quite such a long, _long_ list of vows to come from Jaehyun given the less-than-romantic environment.

   He thought that if Jaehyun as a child could see this wedding, he’d probably be disappointed. The younger version would probably have envisioned flowers and sleek black tuxedos and a huge cake with little likenesses pinned to the top.

   But to Jaehyun _now_? It was perfect. Everything was perfect. The groom was perfect and the room was perfect and the hand-scrawled page of notes that he hadn’t had time to memorise was perfect.

   Why?

   Because Doyoung was happy.

   And that was all he wanted.

-

   **_Five Days Earlier:_**

Jaehyun closed his eyes and thought about sleep, but it was difficult to relax when he could hear the steady _tap-tap-tap_ of Doyoung on the phone next to him. Twice, already, the cabin staff had reminded him that he needed to switch to flight mode before take-off, but Doyoung seemed determined to send his last fifty messages to Ten and Yukhei before they lost thirteen hours in the air.

   ‘You know they’re still going to be there when you land, right?’ Jaehyun murmured, without opening his eyes. It was a late night flight, and he had been hoping to sleep for at least the first few hours. That was always his strategy to combat jetlag: sleep as much as possible. Doyoung, on the other hand, always brought charts and plans of the correct sleeping patterns.

   ‘I’ve never taken a sabbatical before,’ said Doyoung in a nervous voice.

   ‘One month is barely a sabbatical. It’s a long holiday. I promise they won’t burn the place down while you’re gone.’

   Doyoung sighed and switched his phone off. ‘I wasn’t talking to Ten or Xuxi anyway. I was texting my mother. She keeps asking me to choose the flowers.’

   ‘Oh,’ Jaehyun opened his eyes. ‘ _Still_?’

   ‘She’s messaging me ten times an hour!’ Doyoung groaned. ‘You’d think that we were getting married tomorrow. It’s driving me crazy. No matter how many times I tell her that I don’t even especially _want_ flowers, she won’t stop asking.’

   That, Jaehyun understood. His own mom, who was usually the most casual person in the world, had been calling him what felt like twenty times a day, trying to get his confirmation on every tiny detail of the wedding that, all these months later, _still_ had no date. It was hard to arrange that kind of thing. Doyoung was always busy with work and Jaehyun was busy too; just in the last two months, he had attended four different conferences to present his newly published journal article.

   Both sets of parents had lambasted their engagement as _far too long_ already.

   ‘At least you can unplug for a few hours now,’ smiled Jaehyun, ‘if only by necessity.’

   After that, Doyoung huffed and buried himself down low in the reclining chair.

   ‘I hate unplugging,’ he muttered, with a moody glare at his phone.

   Jaehyun turned to him and sighed. _Yes_ , Doyoung was usually connected in one way or another. Jaehyun knew he’d wire his brain up to a computer 24/7 if he could. ‘It’s good for you, babe. I promise.’

   He wished that Doyoung would unplug more.

   He looked tired, these days, different from the Doyoung that Jaehyun had met years earlier. His face was slightly drawn; the change was probably unnoticeable to others, just the drop of a couple of pounds, but it was obvious to Jaehyun. His hair looked thinner than it once had, but perhaps that was paranoia on Jaehyun’s part – if anything it was maybe just limper, like he didn’t think to do anything with it in the mornings. His eyes were always tired, _always_ , and that was the worst part. There were dark circles that never faded, and a puffiness to his under-eyes that gave him the constant appearance of a man who had just been crying.

   It was sleep deprivation. Jaehyun knew it. He knew that Doyoung stayed up most of the night, even if he came to bed, because either his phone or his laptop was always glowing in the room. He spent hour after hour at his desk, sometimes for so long that Jaehyun emerged to collect him at three in the morning and drag him to bed. He woke up early, as early as four, to work on his _special_ projects that didn’t fall under the category of work but that he insisted he had to find time for.

   Jaehyun understood. There were things he needed to write too, books and journals that he needed to research, avenues of interest that no one else could find except for him that needed his input with all the urgency that historical knowledge might demand, but still he slept. Jaehyun could put down the work – he could tell himself that it would still be there in the morning – and he could get himself to bed at a reasonable hour.

   Doyoung didn’t have that judgment, or that discipline, or whatever the hell else was demanded of him to take away this cycle of damage.

   And Jaehyun hated it.

   He hoped that California, that a _holiday_ , would make a difference.

*

   California was not unfamiliar to Jaehyun. For a couple of years, when he was a kid, his mom had moved them out to the outskirts of San Francisco. She’d said that her art would be better received there, and now as an adult, Jaehyun supposed that was true. He was thankful for the experience, though it had dragged him out of school and away from his friends and placed him into a pretty terrifying experience given that he hadn’t spoken a word of the language. Now, he was thankful, because it had gifted him fluency in English and a thirst for travelling the world that maybe he might never have had if he’d stayed at home.  

   San Francisco was where they were staying, in a holiday let apartment that was a half an hour drive from the campus where he would be teaching twice a week. The cost had made Jaehyun’s eyes pop. Sometimes, he still forgot that Doyoung could just… pay for everything. He’d thought they’d live somewhere cheaper, but as soon as he’d suggested once that he’d like to go back to where he’d grown up, Doyoung had started searching places right in the middle of the city.

   _Doyoung’s money_.

   That was something that came up more and more in his mind, ever since NCT had found its footing in the global market and the paycheques had begun to grow bigger and bigger. It was stupid, he knew, but Doyoung’s name was on a lot of _stuff_. Bills. Rent. Their restaurant cheques. He knew that Doyoung didn’t even think about it, but in a way he wished that it was a subject he’d broached about two years earlier because it was far too late now to bring it up. Talking about money was awkward at the best of times.

   Jaehyun was never going to make big money, and that didn’t bother him. No one, _no one_ , went into academia for the money. He’d spent a year volunteering, and it had been as rewarding as any work that he’d done in his life. Somehow, though, he thought that he’d feel more settled once he had a tenure to fall back on. It wasn’t for Doyoung, who wouldn’t think twice about it, but for _him_.

   Where that position would be, that dream role, he was not sure. He’d had offers, some that he’d told Doyoung about and others that he very definitely had not. Over five years, he’d learned that some things were best kept secret. When they had first dated, Jaehyun would have baulked at the thought of keeping something from Doyoung, but age and experience had taught him that on occasion, it was better to leave things unsaid than create unnecessary turmoil.

   It was strange to land back in San Francisco, to reevoke memories that Jaehyun had thought were lost. They passed his school, where he’d scraped together good grades despite the upheaval, but had struggled to make friends; he had not been disliked by anyone, but he hadn’t been especially liked either. They passed the apartment block where his mother’s long-term boyfriend had lived, the only one since Jaehyun’s dad had left, the one that Jaehyun had thought might enter their lives as his first real father figure, but who had dropped out too somewhere into the second year. They passed lines of shops that had been taken over by bigger businesses now – few of them were those that Jaehyun had ever wandered into.

   The most important moment, or at least the first important moment, though, did not happen there.

   It happened in Berkeley, two days into their time in the States, down by the marina. Doyoung had insisted that they visit to investigate the boats, and it wasn’t too far from where Jaehyun had just held his first lecture.

   ‘Did you know that all of this was originally part of the open water of San Francisco Bay?’ Doyoung announced tone bright and happy because he was always that way when he was discovering something. ‘The shoreline was gradually filled in. During World War II, the harbour was used for the construction of navy tug boats.’

   The air was mild with a light breeze, promising of an oncoming good spring and summer but with the reminder that they were walking alongside the water. ‘I did not know,’ smiled Jaehyun. He wrapped his arm around Doyoung’s waist and pulled him close into his side as they walked together.

   ‘Did you know that - ’ Doyoung stopped at the sound of his phone ringing, and Jaehyun wanted to sigh but he bit the sound back as Doyoung fumbled between them for his pocket. ‘Hello? _It’s Yukhei_ ,’ he mouthed to Jaehyun as he pulled away and took a few steps towards the edge of the jetty.

   There always seemed to be something coming between them.

   ‘No, no I haven’t looked yet. I will. I’ll look when you hang up.’

   Jaehyun kicked at a loose nail in the wood and glanced around, wondering how many other couples had their romantic walks interrupted by endless phone calls about work. ‘Crisis at work?’ he asked, when Doyoung eventually ended the call and returned to his side.

   ‘No,’ Doyoung muttered, ‘he’s sent me pictures of all of his potential tuxedos for the wedding. He wants my _vote_.’

   ‘He’s more excited than we are,’ sighed Jaehyun.

   ‘I know,’ said Doyoung, and his voice was flat. ‘I don’t even like wearing suits.’

   There was a moment of awkward silence, during which Doyoung fiddled with the ring on his finger.

   ‘Jae, I…’

   Jaehyun looked down. ‘You hate all of it, don’t you?’ he said quietly, finally voicing aloud the fear that had clouded his mind for too long recently.

   He’d been able to sense it over the last few weeks. Doyoung didn’t like big grand events, and he absolutely _hated_ being the centre of attention. The way that both of their parents had leapt on the occasion threatened to turn it into some sort of circus in which Doyoung and Jaehyun were the main attraction. It didn’t bother Jaehyun that much, who could smile his way through anything, but he knew it wasn’t right for Doyoung.

   ‘It’s just - ’ he started, and Jaehyun’s stomach turned over because, as expected, this didn’t sound like it was going anywhere good. ‘It’s just that it feels like it’s turned into everyone _else’s_ wedding. I don’t even _want_ all this stuff, I just want to be married to you. But I’ve got my mother arranging cake-tasting appointments and Yukhei trying on every tux in Seoul and Ten telling me that I need to think about whether the wedding _premium_ on venues is worth it. It’s been months and months and you’re still not my husband and all I’ve got is phone calls about _photographers_ and _flowers_ and - ’

   He stopped.

   ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.

   Jaehyun shook his head. ‘No, no, don’t be sorry. I’ve got my mom on the phone every other night asking about decorations too.’

   ‘I just want us to be married already,’ said Doyoung. ‘I don’t like all the fanfare. It’s not me. It doesn’t feel like my wedding. It feels like all of theirs. It’s like when I was a kid and my mom would throw me these huge birthday parties when really I just wanted to hide away and work on a puzzle or have Yukhei round for tea! All of this… flowers and guestlists and five course meals it’s… it’s not what I’d choose. For my wedding.’

   Jaehyun looked into his eyes and then interlinked their fingers. He lifted Doyoung’s hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to the ring. ‘So marry me.’

   ‘You can’t propose again, Jae, we’ve been engaged for a lifetime already.’

   ‘No, I mean _marry_ me. Now. Here.’

   ‘What?’

   ‘Screw everyone else. We haven’t even set a date. Marry me here, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. Just the two of us. No fanfare. And then we’ll be husbands. We’ll do it tomorrow.’

   ‘Tomorrow?’ Doyoung spluttered. ‘It wouldn’t even be legal!’

   ‘Of course it would,’ Jaehyun shrugged. ‘I’ll drive us to pick up a marriage license.’

   ‘They wouldn’t consider it valid at home,’ said Doyoung, but there was an air that he was clutching at straws, ‘it wouldn’t be recognised so long as it contradicts our laws.’

   Jaehyun ran his fingers into Doyoung’s hair and pulled him close to press a kiss to his forehead. ‘If we marry in Korea, then we’re legally married nowhere anyway, the most anyone will even call it is a commitment ceremony. If we marry _here_ , then we’re legally married in one more country than we would have been. And one day, _one day_ , it will be valid back home. I promise.’

   ‘You can’t promise that.’

   ‘I feel it, Doie.’

   Doyoung rested his forehead against the crook of Jaehyun’s neck, and Jaehyun wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

   ‘Marry me here. I mean it. I’ll find us a place, tomorrow. We’ll drive out first thing in the morning and queue up for a license, and then I’ll take you wherever we need to go to have whatever wedding you want. You can wear whatever you choose and there won’t be anything you don’t want. No eyes on us. I’ll buy us one of those cheap sheet cakes that you like and we’ll take it back to the hotel and eat it all while we marathon whatever you want to watch. Only now we’ll be husbands.’

   ‘Tomorrow?’ Doyoung mumbled.

   ‘Tomorrow.’

   ‘Everyone will _hate_ us.’

   Jaehyun shrugged. ‘So? It’s not their wedding, Doyoung. It’s ours. And it should _feel_ like ours. I don’t want you to spend our wedding day hating it. Look, I proposed to you with a foil ring when there was a crystal band under our bed waiting, so it’s only fitting that we tie the knot in a clerk’s office when we’ve got an army of people planning a fairy-tale wedding back home.’

   Doyoung laughed, then he frowned. ‘It’s not very romantic.’

   ‘Leave it with me,’ said Jaehyun, his mind already on the move. ‘So is that a yes?’

   ‘Yes, yes,’ Doyoung exhaled. ‘ _Yes_. Please. Let’s do it.’

   Jaehyun nodded. His heart was pounding. He had always been the one who was spontaneous, who could throw them together a life-changing date with a snap of his fingers, but this was… something else. His mind was whirring.

   He needed to make a wedding for Doyoung. A wedding in a day. Not the kind that their parents wanted.

   ‘No one there but us?’ Doyoung checked.

   Jaehyun wrapped his arms around him and took him into a tight hug. ‘No one.’

*

   ‘Mr Jung?’

   ‘Doctor!’ Doyoung corrected loudly, as he always did, but Jaehyun just looked up with a smile at the harried looking assistant.

   ‘There’s been a cancellation. You can come on through.’

   It took two days, not one, before Jaehyun could make everything that he wanted happen. He’d needed a little time, combined with a little luck, combined with a little inspiration.

   Jaehyun took Doyoung’s hand into his and lifted it to his lips. He kissed his knuckles, his palm, the back of his hand, the ring on his finger. He was going to marry him. _Marry_ him. Now. Here. With not a single person to tell them what to wear or what flowers to have or what cake to order.

   Just the two of them.

   ‘Are you okay?’ he asked, cautious that at the last minute this elopement might not be what Doyoung wanted.

   They’d spent two days at city hall, praying for a slot. And now it was happening.

   Doyoung nodded. ‘I’m ready,’ he said. ‘I’m so ready.’

   They had not dressed up for the occasion. Jaehyun was wearing his usual – an open necked shirt with a grey sweater over the top and smart jeans. Doyoung, too, looked not dissimilar to his usual look outside of work: a science fiction tee, and drainpipe jeans that exposed his slender form. He had, though, put on one of Jaehyun’s blazers that he’d brought with him for work.

   In the buttonhole, he had two large daisies that Jaehyun had stolen from a window-basket that they had passed.

   ‘Have you got your witness with you?’

   ‘Witness?’ said Doyoung, his eyes wide.

   ‘Oh _fuck_ ,’ Jaehyun muttered, ‘I forgot.’

   For a moment, Doyoung looked aghast, but then Jaehyun turned to the couple sitting on the row of seats next to them. They were young, and they had held hands for the entire five hours that Doyoung and Jaehyun had been waiting alongside them. Their smiles were friendly, though.

   ‘Would you mind terribly?’ he asked quietly. ‘Doyoung and I would be more than happy to witness you too.’

   The girl looked at him in surprise, but then she nodded. ‘Yes. Of course.’

   Jaehyun exhaled and stood up, holding Doyoung’s hand just as tight, like he might never let it go.

   The room to which they were taken was small, with enough space for maybe ten or twenty people at a push. They needed none of that space, though, dependant on the company only of a bored looking county official and the sprightly young couple who were waiting for _their_ slot after them.

   The setting was not what Jaehyun had imagined for his wedding, but he couldn’t find it in his heart to care. All he could think about was Doyoung. Marrying Doyoung. No more waiting, no more appointments, no more meetings; just _being married_. His heart pounded so hard that he thought it might break out of his chest.

   The process was quite simple. They returned their signed license, and then they listened, and they nodded, and they said the right things in the right places. It wasn’t the least romantic thing in the world – in fact, most of the same things were said as if they’d had a grand wedding back home – but it wasn’t overly inspiring either. There was an air of impatience, but even that didn’t worry Jaehyun.

   He and Doyoung were impatient too, so it was okay.

   ‘Alright?’ he asked in Korean, taking Doyoung’s hands while the officiant droned something.

   Doyoung nodded. ‘Perfect. I’m perfect.’

   ‘You brought your own vows?’ asked the ever-bored looking clerk.

   ‘Yes,’ Jaehyun said quickly. He pulled the two sheets of paper from his pocket and unfolded them. They were covered with small, crammed in writing, and he saw the eyebrows of their officiant raise.

   Doyoung turned red. ‘Can I go first? Mine are going to sound rubbish compared to yours.’

   Jaehyun stared at him.

   His heart broke with love.

   Doyoung looked so perfect that it felt like the first time he’d ever seen him. It felt like the moment he’d laid eyes on his soulmate at the library and Doyoung had whipped off his glasses and Jaehyun had known it was real. That feeling. That knowledge that he would one day be his husband.

   _Today_.

   ‘Okay,’ he smiled. He reached out and took Doyoung’s hand.

   Doyoung had _not_ brought his vows on a piece of paper. He hardly needed an aid for recollection. His Doyoung who remembered everything, who could recite a novel if he needed to.

   Doyoung cleared his throat and looked down. Jaehyun knew that he was embarrassed. Every second of development made him gladder and gladder that they had decided to do it this way, because he knew Doyoung would have _hated_ standing up in front of a massive room of people, all their friends and family, to say this kind of stuff.

   ‘My Jaehyun. You know that I’m not the poet of the two of us, so I didn’t come up with it all by myself. I did some research,’ he swallowed, throat bobbing. ‘This is the part I borrowed: _You are all the combinations of numbers. Life. Your word travels the entirety of space and reaches my cells which are my stars, then goes to yours which are my light_.’

   ‘Where did you find that?’ Jaehyun murmured.

   Doyoung smiled. ‘I thought you’d know. Frida Kahlo.’

   ‘Of course,’ Jaehyun sighed.

   The officiant cleared his throat.

   Doyoung interlinked his fingers with Jaehyun’s and quickly continued. ‘When I first saw you, I thought that you were out of my league. Older. Handsome. Intelligent beyond anyone I’d met. But you… What’s special about you isn’t that you chose me anyway, that I felt lucky to have you, but that you made me feel like you were the one who was lucky to have _me_. You made me feel like I’m in the… in the top league. That’s who you are, Jae, you make everyone in your world feel like they’re worth something special.’

   ‘You’re the most special person in this world, Doie.’

   Doyoung exhaled. ‘And anyway, I’m not the most verbose person, so… so that’s my part. And I vow to do all the other stuff, the stuff where I take care of you when you’re sick and when you’re healthy, and whether we’re rich or poor, I’ll always be there. Every road in my life leads back to you. The compass point jams. And I want to be your husband forever. Alright, I’m done.’

   Jaehyun stared at him. He stared and stared. He stared so long that he felt the room grow impatient but he was unable to find words.

   _His Doyoung. His Doyoungie. His Doie._

   ‘You thought that would sound rubbish compared to mine?’ he said eventually. Butterflies were flitting around his stomach; his heart was a threatening drum beat against what felt like his entire skeleton. ‘Doie, I - ’ He stopped again, knowing that they were on a time schedule.

   He unravelled one hand and looked back at his own sheets of paper. Then he folded them back up and slipped them into the breast pocket of Doyoung’s jacket.

   ‘You can read this. Later. When we’re sat out on a blanket under the stars on our little honeymoon. I only have a couple of things to say now.’

   ‘Blanket? Stars? What have you got planned?’ Doyoung whispered quickly.

   ‘Just rest assured, this part is the less romantic part,’ he answered with a small smile.

   He hadn’t been able to arrange the perfect, strange little fairy-tale wedding for them that he’d envisioned in the space of two days, but he _had_ been able to secure the honeymoon. A little bit of creativity, combined with a little bit of persuasion, combined with a little bit of money, had served him well. He had been sleeping even less than Doyoung, awake all night trying to make everything happen just how they needed it, and trying to get these vows done.

   Vows that now sat in Doyoung’s pocket.

   ‘Right now, I just want to say this: Doyoung, you are my past. You’re all of the memories that I enjoy, every single one that I pick out when I need to feel something good. You’re my present, this one perfect moment here that absolutely is _not_ how I pictured my wedding to look but is so much better than anything I ever imagined. And you’re my future. My everything. I’m ready for us to grow old together and to have our first child together and make a home together.’

   ‘Jae - ’

   ‘And I do promise to have and to hold you from this day forward, though only if you’re in the mood to be touched. And I do promise that I’ll be here for better or for worse, to love and cherish you like the single most precious thing in the world because you _are_. How many people actually get to meet their soulmate, right?’

   Doyoung breathed out, like he’d been holding his breath for as long as Jaehyun had been speaking, and then he gave him that radiant smile that dulled the rest of the world by comparison.

   ‘Are you done?’ said their officiant, though he looked begrudgingly impressed.

   ‘Yes,’ said Jaehyun, ‘yes I think so.’

*

   ‘Well it’s suitable for work,’ remarked Doyoung. He was leant against the car, admiring the narrow silver band at his finger. ‘You chose very well. Though I have to ask, why did you have these here when we were supposed to get married back home?’

   Jaehyun took his hand so that the two rings shone proudly side by side. ‘I’ve been carrying them with me ever since I had them engraved. I wasn’t going to get caught out again like I did with your engagement ring.’

   ‘I think I’ll send this picture to Ten and Yukhei,’ mused Doyoung. In his other hand, he was holding his phone, flicking through the quick, simple pictures that the other young couple had taken for them in the office. ‘But not until after the honeymoon. Yukhei is going to _kill_ me.’

   ‘Good idea.’

   ‘Where are you taking me?’

   ‘It’s a surprise,’ said Jaehyun with a shrug. ‘ _But_ , I can promise nights out under the stars, and lots of green, and total solitude.’

   ‘Solitude,’ Doyoung exhaled, ‘that’s the one. Thank you, Jae. Thank you for doing all this. I know that… I know that it’s more me than it is you and maybe a proper wedding would have been - ’

   Jaehyun put up a hand to stop him. ‘There’s no _me or you_ , anymore, Doie. There’s us. Only us. And this is us.’

   Doyoung leant close and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. He was so much more comfortable doing that sort of thing in public these days. ‘This is us.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those of you who have made it all the way here to chapter 20 thank you so much for your support <3 This fic is entering into its sort of second stages now with chapter 21. I hope I can share soon ^-^
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


	21. Chapter 21

   ‘How did you find this place?’ Doyoung whispered. He was walking around the small, single-floor lodge, tracing his fingers along the wall. He went very quietly, like he was afraid to disturb the silence.

   Because it was _quiet_.

   It was evening, by the time they arrived on the sprawling vineyard estate where Jaehyun had secured their weekend. The honeymoon would be short: only two days before Jaehyun had to return to work. Once there, they had been handed the keys to a small house buried amongst the hills far away from the cluster of buildings near the entranceway of the estate.

   ‘I looked up honeymoon locations,’ he shrugged. ‘And I thought: what does my Doie like? Being away from people… being away from noise… And what do I like? Wine.’

   ‘So this place is perfect,’ Doyoung exhaled.

   Everything was perfect. Everything had been perfect from the moment they had woken up that morning.

   On his finger, there was a silver band, a ring with his and Jaehyun’s names engraved forever on its inside curve. In his bag, there was a piece of paper that said officially and clearly that they were married. In his heart, there was an overwhelming sense of _calm_.

   For the last few weeks, his heart had been juddering with anxiety – he’d been having palpitations every night – and he’d almost forgotten what it was like to feel settled. Now, though, he felt it. Everything was done. Jaehyun was his husband now, and he was Jaehyun’s. And best of all, he was not going to have to endure a wedding back home.

   He _was_ going to have to endure his mother having a go at him, though that would be nothing compared to how _Yukhei_ would react, but in his mind that was next week’s problem. The thought didn’t weight too heavily, not when he had this special weekend to look forward to and the _actual_ wedding of his dreams to look back upon.

   ‘Let me show you the back,’ said Jaehyun, and he hooked an arm around Doyoung’s waist to guide him through the narrow corridor to where a door opened out into a garden.

   It was marked out by low fencing, but there was little need for it because there was no civilisation in sight. Instead, the view stretched across field after field that Doyoung could just make out with the help of the increasing moonlight. Jaehyun fiddled around with something on the wall, and then gave a satisfied hum when the outdoor lighting flickered into action.

   The lights were low, amber, but they lit up the space with a natural-looking glimmer. Doyoung could tell that this was a place prepared for honeymoons, because there was an ice bucket on the table as well as several bottles of wine. Oh and _food_. Doyoung darted over there at pace because with everything that had happened during the day, he had forgotten all about eating and now his stomach was reminding him.

   He examined the spread nervously. Finding food that he liked was difficult enough anyway, but it was even harder when he was away from home.

   ‘Here,’ said Jaehyun, who had ducked back inside and returned with a tray from the fridge. ‘You’ll like these.’

   Doyoung eyed the canapes. ‘Tomatoes,’ he said with a non-committal tone. He liked tomatoes _in_ food, when they were minced up or blended or buried deep in a sauce where he wouldn’t notice their texture, but he was less comfortable when he had to eat them whole or in halves.

   ‘Not a problem,’ said Jaehyun, and he picked the tomato from the top of one of the small crackers before holding out the rest. He spoke with his mouth half-full. ‘Team work.’

   Doyoung nibbled at the edge until he was satisfied that there were no hidden ingredients, and then proceeded to eat five. ‘I can’t believe we did it,’ he whispered, and he held up his hand for the hundredth time to admire the new ring. ‘I still can’t believe that we just… went and got married. I’ve spent so much time worrying that I didn’t even consider how it would feel once it was actually _done_.’

   ‘How does it feel?’ asked Jaehyun, wrapping his arms around him from behind and kissing his neck.

   ‘Like flying.’

   ‘Can I call you husband all the time, now?’

   Doyoung pulled a face. ‘It does sound weird. Unfamiliar. _Husband_. It might take me a while to get used to it. That being said, I hope that you’ll use it whenever you introduce me to anyone; I’m quite happy for the world to know that you’re off the market and that you chose _me_.’

   ‘I’ve never heard you sound so smug.’

   ‘You’d be smug too, if you’d managed to get _your_ signature on paper.’

   ‘Oh I’m smug having yours,’ said Jaehyun. He was eyeing a bottle of red wine from the corner of his gaze. ‘Celebration time?’

   Doyoung nodded. ‘You can have wine, and I can read the rest of your vows.’

   He had Jaehyun’s notes crammed into his pocket, pages of words that he knew his _husband_ had stayed up all night writing. In a way, he was glad that they had not been shared with the rest of the room, because he liked the thought that Jaehyun’s most special words were for his ears only.

   ‘You really did promise blankets,’ remarked Doyoung as he wandered over to a secluded part of the garden where someone had laid out a bundle of red tartan blankets and white pillows. They were beneath a large, far-reaching tree that would probably offer a lovely patch of shade during the daytime.

   ‘Like I said, this place does honeymoons,’ Jaehyun laughed. ‘Of course, I would usually put a little more of _our_ touch into it, but as you know I was under time constraints.’

   Doyoung sat down cross-legged and smoothed out the wool with careful hands. He didn’t enjoy creases in clothes or sheets or anywhere else for that matter, except for perhaps the way that Jaehyun’s eyes crinkled at the corner when he laughed.

   Jaehyun sat not beside him, or behind him, but rather almost opposite him, so that he could take his hands and look into his eyes. ‘Good wedding, right?’

   ‘Perfect wedding,’ Doyoung exhaled. ‘Thank you, Jae. Thank you for doing it for me. You always know what I need.’

   ‘Yes I do,’ smiled Jaehyun, and he leant forwards to kiss him.

   There was something, still, about kissing Jaehyun that made Doyoung’s heart feel free. Jaehyun had been his first kiss, his only kiss, the only man he would _ever_ kiss, and that thought was intoxicating. This feeling was something he shared only with him. There were no memories of others, no straying thoughts of anyone else, only Jaehyun.

   Yukhei always said that he couldn’t understand how Doyoung could resign himself to only sleeping with one man for the rest of his life. The response from Doyoung was usually a look of abject disgust. Choosing Jaehyun only was not a resignation, but a blessing that he could hardly believe he’d been offered. After five years, he had never yet once imagined being with anyone else, even for a second.

   Jaehyun cupped his hand gently around the back of his neck and drew him close until Doyoung was up on his knees, and yet it didn’t feel close enough. It had taken so long, so many years, for Doyoung to desire closeness but these days he’d be happy to be joined to Jaehyun if he could.

   ‘We haven’t read the vows yet,’ whispered Doyoung when Jaehyun broke his kiss away long enough to brush his lips down his jaw instead with ghostlike touches.

   ‘They’ll still be there after,’ Jaehyun murmured. He pushed the jacket from Doyoung’s shoulders and steered him close to kiss him again once he could hold his arms, a stabilising sort of grip that made Doyoung feel secure to the earth. Jaehyun kept him grounded like gravity.

   Jaehyun pulled him over him, until he was laying back himself on the blanket and it was Doyoung gazing down upon the centre of his word. With deft fingers, Jaehyun started to unbutton his own shirt, and Doyoung swallowed.

   Somewhere in the distance, there was a constant hum of cicadas. Above them, there was nothing but stars across a sky that had crept from blue to black since they had been out in the garden. Finally, Doyoung had the solitude he had always craved, and yet it was _now_ that he felt shy, even when no one could see them.

   He sat back, somewhat straddling Jaehyun’s lap.

   Jaehyun paused. ‘Not comfortable with it?’ he asked quietly.

   ‘It’s not… you know…’

   Jaehyun nodded and sat up, adjusting Doyoung in his lap and pressing one more kiss to his forehead. ‘We’ll go inside.’

   Sex was, Doyoung supposed, quite a fundamental part of their relationship now. He enjoyed it, more than he ever would have thought he would, and sometimes he even liked to experiment. If only for science. He always said to Jaehyun that he wouldn’t know if he liked something unless he tried it once. But he still had his routines, and his routines were important. They involved showering, first, and keeping the lights half off at _least_ , and Jaehyun holding him close afterwards for long enough that he could settle into knowing he wasn’t going anywhere.

   Those things weren’t necessarily concurrent with sleeping together in the garden.

   And it was very… _outside._

   But still…

   He cleared his throat. ‘Yes. No. It’s good. We’ll stay out here.’

   _Making love under the stars_ would be a nice thing to add to his ever-growing list of special experiences with Jaehyun.

   Jaehyun traced his fingertips down Doyoung’s cheeks and looked into his eyes. ‘You’re not the shy boy you used to be,’ he said with a small smile.

   ‘Oh I am,’ laughed Doyoung, and he saw the smile broaden at that. He didn’t laugh a lot, and it was something he was quite self-aware of. ‘You just make me feel brave.’

   Jaehyun stroked his hand down his chest, then worked free his belt buckle as he caught his lips again. The kiss was rougher, one of those ones that said _I want you_ instead of just _I love you_. Doyoung liked those. He liked how Jaehyun wanted him.

   His back arched slightly as Jaehyun pushed his hand past his jeans – jeans that would be immortalised in Doyoung’s mind as the _I-got-married-in-these_ jeans – and palmed gently over him. He was always rhythmic, careful, measured in a way that said he was an artist in this as much as in everything else. After all, he knew Doyoung very well, the sort of well that could only come from _years_.

   ‘Did you know - ’ Doyoung started, but he was interrupted by his own gasp as a wave of pleasure rolled through his navel, ‘ – that there are 2000 species of cicada in the world, and that 65 are found here in Cali-’

   ‘Doie?’

   ‘Mm?’ He couldn’t find words that time.

   ‘Tell me later,’ said Jaehyun.

   Doyoung nodded rapidly. He still forgot, sometimes, that there was a time and a place for certain thoughts.

   He closed his eyes and concentrated on the warm breeze against his face, the sound of solitude, the touch of Jaehyun’s tongue over his skin as he started to caress love down his throat and the more mind-altering one as he started to jerk him slowly with one hand. His senses were on fire.

   Doyoung wasn’t sure he’d ever felt more alive.

*

   They did not sleep outside, but they didn’t make it to the bed, either.

   Doyoung woke up somewhere in the late morning, wrapped in Jaehyun’s arms on the couch. At some point, they’d put some music on, intending to talk about the day and maybe get to those vows at last, but Doyoung had fallen asleep almost as soon as they’d settled down. It had been a long day.

   He unravelled himself carefully, so as not to wake Jaehyun, and then tip-toed to the kitchen. He was wearing one of Jaehyun’s sweaters, and very little else, but it did not matter, he supposed. There would be no one to see him.

   In one of the cupboards if the small kitchen, he found a collection of herbal teas, and so he picked out one of those even though it probably wouldn’t be as good as the blends that Jaehyun put together for him himself back home. He started up the coffee machine, too, for Jaehyun, because his boyfriend could never get such things to work. He didn’t have what he called _Doyoung’s-Technical-Touch_.

   _Boyfriend_?

   Husband.

   _Husband_.

   He corrected his own thoughts with an inwardly directed smugness. That would be a part of his schema that he would need to adjust quickly because he had not waited through a long engagement only to keep referring to Jaehyun as his _boyfriend_ or his _fiancé_ or anything else that held distinctly less weight in his heart than husband.

   Husband felt permanent, as if the last five years had not.

   Ridiculous, he supposed, but the word felt important.

   He left the machine to gurgle and took his own drink out onto the decking in the garden. The garden was very large, though the house was small, and it was clear that time was supposed to be spent outside.

   Only when he sat down, did he spot the twisted layer of blankets that they’d left out the previous night, and he noticed the jacket he’d borrowed from Jaehyun, still on the grass. He skipped to pick it up, and felt for the paper in the pocket which he could take back to his seat.

   Pages of love, written by his favourite poet, only for him.

   He glanced through the window of the cottage to check that Jaehyun was still asleep on the couch, and then he unfolded the paper.

   _Dear Doie_ ,

   _I have written these words in the form of a letter because I feel that’s always been how I’ve communicated best. These nights aren’t long enough to think of all the things I want to say to you, but maybe it’s better this way; had we ever set a date, I’m sure my vows would have become a novel. But I have tried to be concise. I’m sure you’ll be more efficient than me._

Doyoung smiled and cheated a little, just to glance ahead, but then he quickly looked back to the second paragraph because he _did_ want to read it in the order Jaehyun had intended. It was the right choice, because Jaehyun had clearly planned to take him on a journey.

_You are my world, Doyoung, and you know how much I love to travel. You’re my oceans, expanses of water that I need to live but that hold so many secrets that I’m still trying to learn. You’re my desert, this place of warmth and distance where nothing else is in sight, but with an oasis that gives me already everything that I could ever need. You’re my cities, complex networks of knowledge and stories and shining lights in the night-time that I watch when I cannot rest. You’re my forest, teeming with life and lush with beauty._

Doyoung had to stop for a moment, as he turned over the page. He knew that these words had come in one flurry of thought because Jaehyun had crossed some out, and even at one place drawn a line in blue ink to move one sentence to a new place. This was not a final draft, but a singular stream of consciousness.

   ‘ _I love to travel, but I feel I’ve already travelled the whole world every time I look at you_.’

   Doyoung looked up as Jaehyun read out the words over his shoulder. He should have sensed him coming, because he brought with him a scent of freshly brewed coffee and an aura that Doyoung could usually sense across a crowded room. It was like a thread that joined them together, no matter how far apart they might be, so that when one of them moved the other felt the gentle tug of their motion.

   ‘I’m glad you didn’t read this out at the office,’ Doyoung said quietly. ‘It’s too… intimate.’

   Jaehyun rested his chin on his shoulder and then kissed his cheek. ‘I thought so too.’

   _But so to my promises_ , he read on.

_That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? For me to promise myself to you and for you to promise yourself to me forever? I feel like we’ve done that already, but let me tell you once more, if only because I know it makes you feel safer._

_I’ll be here for you your whole life, my Dongyoung. I’ll be there every day, every moment that you need me, with words of love. I’ll care for you, if ever you need me to, and I will do whatever I need to do to support you and our family_.

   Doyoung’s heart gave a little skip at that. It always did, at the thought of the family they would one day have together.

   _For better or for worse, until death do us part, though I have no intention of leaving you then either_.

   Doyoung laughed at that. He wasn’t sure that he believed in any sort of continuation of life after death, but he knew that Jaehyun did, and that was enough.

   _I make this vow in the presence of others but truly in the presence of you_. _You’re the only person who matters, who has ever mattered, and who ever will matter._

 _Your Jaehyun_.

   Doyoung turned back to the first page and read the whole thing a second time. He wanted to memorise it, every word. He wanted to preserve Jaehyun’s vows to him forever in his memory, where he could pull them out whenever he needed them and leaf through them once again.

   ‘ _So_ ,’ Jaehyun started, ‘ _would_ you still have taken me as your husband with this version?’

   ‘You did well both times,’ he whispered.

   Jaehyun sighed and sat down at the table with him. ‘I always get carried away with words when it comes to you.’

   ‘Never stop.’

   Jaehyun smiled. ‘I won’t.’

   After that, there was silence for a while. They could sit like that easily, in comfortable silence. This time, though, it felt different. _Husbands_ made it different. Jaehyun drank his coffee and looked out over the view, and Doyoung read his vows again. At some point, it registered to him that he had left his phone somewhere, but for once he did not care. Everything outside of this place felt… insignificant.

   Coffee and tea; Doyoung half thought they should have separate newspapers, too. Or books. There was a domesticity on the air that extended beyond even anything that he’d felt before.

   ‘What shall we do today?’ asked Jaehyun after a while. ‘There are some tours that we can take for free on the vineyard.’

   ‘That sounds excellent,’ said Doyoung. There could be no better excursion for them. Jaehyun would enjoy the wines they could taste, and he himself would enjoy everything he could learn about winemaking. In fact, winemaking was not a topic about which he had done much research before.

   ‘I wish I didn’t have to teach next week,’ yawned Jaehyun, ‘I’d rather like to spend the rest of our time in California just out here with you.’

   ‘Will you tell all your students that you got married?’

   ‘Of course,’ grinned Jaehyun. ‘It might even stop some of them flirting with me at last. _Husband_ draws a more aggressive line than _fiancé_.’

   Doyoung pulled a face. It didn’t delight him to think about a collection of college students, all of whom in his imagination were very attractive postgraduates, flirting with his husband.

   ‘They’ve already asked me to go out with them. To drink and talk history. Apparently that kind of thing is more common here. They asked after my _first_ seminar.’

   ‘You said no?’

   Jaehyun nodded. ‘I like to keep a distance,’ he said. ‘I hardly had the best experience when _I_ started spending a little too much social time with an older academic. Obviously they’d have nothing to worry about with me, but it’s not a habit I’d encourage them getting into. For me… distance is good. I’m the teacher, they’re my students. I can make my friends in the faculty.’

   ‘You’re going to be so amazing,’ Doyoung whispered, ‘when we get home and you can get a full time position in Seoul. Think of how many lives you’ll change, think of how many people you’re going to make fall in love with history. I had some dreadful professors at college, but all your students, they’re going to have the very best.’

   ‘I hope so,’ said Jaehyun. He sipped his coffee. ‘One of my professors from my visit to Yale is in town, by the way, as a visiting lecturer. I thought maybe we could meet up for dinner. She can bring her husband, I can bring you… I can show off what a consummate intellectual you are in the presence of other academics…’ a smile crept onto his face.

   Doyoung nodded. ‘Sure. Is that going to be our life, now we’re husbands? Double dates in smart restaurants with esteemed couples?’

   ‘Absolutely. I’ve heard that’s how it goes. Add that to me joining you at _all_ your important work functions, and I think we’ll be able to call ourselves a power couple.’

   Doyoung cringed at the phrase and rolled his eyes. ‘Honestly?’

   ‘Yep,’ Jaehyun grinned and drained his cup. ‘That’s what they call couples who do everything together and astonish the world with their combined success.’

   Doyoung looked back at the vows still folded in his hands.

   _Yes_ , they had done rather well so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)


	22. Chapter 22

   Like many precious moments with Jaehyun, Doyoung’s perfect weekend was short and sweet. They were both always so busy that these pockets of paradise rarely lasted a long time, but he had learned to enjoy the days they did have alone rather than yearn for more.

   Soon enough, they were back in San Francisco, and Doyoung found himself wandering around the apartment that they were renting with almost nothing to do. It was the middle of the night in Korea, and therefore there was little news from Ten and Yukhei for him to be concentrating on. And Jaehyun was at work, locked away in a stuffy seminar room for what was already feeling like a lifetime.

   Doyoung still had this uncomfortable sensation all the way to the tips of his fingers whenever he and Jaehyun were apart. It was a sort of buzz, but not the nice kind; a current of energy that stemmed from worry. The traffic had been very busy that morning, Doyoung had watched it on the news, and he wasn’t sure it would have calmed down by the time Jaehyun was due home. Doyoung hated roads, and driving, and cars. It wasn’t safe. It wasn’t Jaehyun that he worried about, but the _other_ drivers who careered around over the limit and drunk and –

   He sighed and concentrated on lunch that he was making. He and Jaehyun were going for an important dinner with one of Jaehyun’s _favourite_ academics and one look at the restaurant menu had made it clear to Doyoung that he should have a very big lunch, because he wasn’t sure there’d be anything he was comfortable eating.

   That was okay. He was used to it.

   Things were always slightly harder in the US. It was bad enough back home, but at least Doyoung was familiar with most things: their apartment, Korean food, certain norms that he’d built his relationship with the world around. Everything was different when they travelled, and Doyoung did not enjoy _different_.

   He exhaled in relief when he heard the click of the door lock.

   _One less day of bad drivers to worry about_.

   ‘Hello, husband,’ Jaehyun grinned as he paused in the hall, kicking off his shoes.

   Doyoung leant against the doorframe of the kitchen and looked down shyly. ‘Hello, other husband.’

   Jaehyun held out his hand as if to examine his ring again, and Doyoung fought the urge to roll his eyes. They went through this routine several times a day, now. It was even worse in public, when Jaehyun would make a point of stretching out his hand and splaying his fingers in every store or on every counter in the hopes that _someone_ would ask about his wedding ring. ‘It looks nice today, don’t you think?’ he remarked.

   Finally, Doyoung did roll his eyes. ‘I made a big lunch. For me, mainly. Don’t think that you have to eat all of it.’

   Jaehyun shrugged. ‘Babe, you know I’ll always eat anything and everything that you cook. Restaurant food will be… lacking, in comparison.’

   ‘Actually, I did my research. And it seems the restaurant is _very_ fancy. Did you know that it’s considered to be one of the oldest restaurants in the city? In its infancy, it served local blue-collar workers. Now, though, it’s become one of those _foodie_ type places. Apparently the reservation list is very long.’

  Jaehyun nodded. ‘Dr Brown called in a favour.’ Then, in a whisper, as though conspiring, he added: ‘We can drop by a drive-thru on the way home and pick up something you like more.’

   Doyoung smiled. Jaehyun knew full well about his penchant for fast-food places. He liked the fact that whether he was in Korea or the US or anywhere else in the world, the mega-brand burgers all tasted exactly the same. Safe, they were safe. A McDonald’s burger was always as reliably _McDonald’s_ as ever, no matter what language the menu was written in. ‘Okay.’

   ‘I knew you’d like that idea,’ Jaehyun winked.

   Doyoung’s smile turned shy and he shook his head. ‘It’s an embarrassing guilty pleasure.’

*

   The restaurant was fancy indeed, though maybe not quite as fancy as it had looked in the pictures. But then again, Doyoung did not look so immaculate on the average day as he did on the front of the NCT company brochures, so he was always willing to forgive a little embellishment.

    Dr Brown, who had met Jaehyun during his research trip to New Haven, was a small woman with a large presence, and even larger round glasses that occupied the majority of her face. There was an air of learnedness around her, the same sort that hovered around Jaehyun. She brought with her a more easy-going looking husband, though, with whom Doyoung supposed he ought to be friendly: they were both the _plus ones_ , after all.

   The conversation hovered around pleasantries for a while.

   Doyoung had to introduce himself, and then _explain_ himself, of course. He never liked that part. He preferred it when Jaehyun was the centre of attention. He could talk about Jaehyun for far longer than he could talk about himself.

   ‘A businessman?’ Dr Brown asked in interest, over a glass of white wine and a bowl of olives that Doyoung kept eyeing nervously. He hoped that he wouldn’t be offered one. Olives were the worst kind of food, in his opinion.

   ‘Sort of,’ he responded. ‘I’m really… more of the computer guy.’

   ‘Doyoung founded his own company with his friends,’ Jaehyun said proudly. ‘You’ve probably heard of it. NCT.’

   Dr Brown raised her eyebrows. ‘Do you know what? I believe I _have_. Were you in a magazine recently?’

   ‘ _Forbes_ ,’ Jaehyun continued quickly, ‘yes. Doyoung is considered one of the most successful young people in the world already, and he’s only just getting started.’

   ‘I’m not sure I’m young anymore,’ Doyoung mumbled.

   ‘Well I’m not surprised,’ smiled Dr Brown. ‘It makes perfect sense that you would choose to partner with someone as ambitious and as extraordinary as yourself.’

   Jaehyun laughed and prodded his fork at his appetiser. ‘Oh Doyoung is far more ambitious and… extraordinary… than me.’

   ‘Spoken like a true newlywed,’ said Mr Brown, this time.

   That seemed to bother Jaehyun a little. ‘I speak only the truth,’ he said, ‘Doyoung is like no one else in the world. I’m lucky to even have him here with me – he doesn’t have many moments away from work. Creating Korea’s fastest growing business rather occupies his schedule.’

   ‘Well it’s good that you’re here!’ Dr Brown smiled, and she turned to Doyoung. ‘Perhaps I can convince _you_ to get your husband to change his mind.’

   ‘Change his mind about what?’ Doyoung asked, raising his eyebrows.  

   She gave a light laugh, as if he should already know the answer.

   Jaehyun took a sharp breath, like he was a split second from cutting across her, but he did not get words out in time.

  ‘About the job, of course. I mean Berkeley? It’s a great school. But we all know Jaehyun’s heart lives at Yale. When I heard about his refusal, I could hardly believe my ears.’

   ‘Oh.’ Doyoung looked down at his food and felt his brow furrow a little without conscious instruction. It didn’t take him many seconds of thought to put the picture together, and as it formed in his mind, his stomach turned over. _Physically_. He felt sickness rise up in his throat. His heart seemed to stop.

   He’d known this moment was coming. He’d known it from the day that he and Jaehyun had _started_ dating, but he’d spent what felt like a lifetime being lulled into a false sense of security. He hadn’t expected it to be _today_. And he hadn’t expected the words to come from a stranger.

   A job.

   A job at Yale.

   A job at Yale that he had refused.

   _Jaehyun had kept it from him_.

   He looked ever so slightly to the side, and he saw Jaehyun sit back, then forwards, unable to stay still with what must have been a squirming sense of discomfort and guilt.

    ‘Mm,’ Doyoung nodded and he looked up to meet her eyes, even though he loathed eye contact at the very best of times, let alone in a moment like this, ‘perhaps that’s true. But Jaehyun… well, he’s made his decision.’ His voice was deceptively steady, what was basically a _lie_ coming easily, his mind distant already from the conversation. He wasn’t going to betray to total strangers that his husband, his beloved husband, had kept something so huge from him.

   He didn’t look sideways again. He didn’t want to see guilt, or gratitude for his _not making a scene_ , or relief at his seeming lack of reaction.

   For the first time in over five years, in fact, he did not want to see Jaehyun’s face at all. 

   ‘However much you might like Seoul, Jaehyun, one year is not such a terribly long time. It’s the golden ticket. You’ll be able to teach anywhere in the world once you have Yale - ’ she spoke only to Jaehyun now, and it was obvious to everyone at the table in an instant why this dinner had been arranged.

   ‘I’m really not interested,’ Jaehyun said quietly. Doyoung wondered for a second whether the others heard his voice shake, or whether it was just the infinitesimal detail to which Doyoung knew his voice which gave him such insight.

   ‘This sort of opportunity - ’

   ‘I’m not interested.’

   What followed, from then, was the most awkward couple of hours of Doyoung’s life. And that was saying something, because he had been in some awkward situations before. When they were younger, Yukhei had joked that _any_ situation could become awkward so long as Doyoung was around to say something incongruous.

   This dinner, though?

   Well this took the cake.

   It was awkward between Jaehyun and Dr Brown, once it because apparent that this dinner had been some kind of set-up. They moved on to talking about something to do with the Korean economy during the sixties, but there was a heavy weight in the air that most of their discussion was being delivered via _aggressive_ telepathy, because they both kept shooting each other serious looks.

   It was awkward between Doyoung and Mr Brown, because there was an aura that the two of them had realised that _they_ were merely accessories to the real conversation, and Doyoung was not good at making small talk at the best of times, let alone when he wanted to go home and curl up and pretend that this day was some sort of nightmare that he could forget about in the morning.

   And worst of all, it was awkward between Doyoung and Jaehyun.

   The most awkward it had ever been.

   Jaehyun knew that Doyoung knew, now. And Doyoung knew that Jaehyun had tried his hardest to keep a secret too big to keep.

   But there could be no confrontation – no argument, no passive aggressive silent treatment, no nothing for the whole span of this cursed dinner.

   The food was not as bad for Doyoung as he had expected, but maybe that was just because he could barely taste it. There was an acidic taste in his mouth, from where sickness rose up in his throat every time he caught Jaehyun’s eye out of the corner of his own.

   When the dinner was finally reaching a conclusion, after what felt like a lifetime, Jaehyun stood up to go to the bathroom. Doyoung had a feeling that he was supposed to follow, to _talk_ somewhere in private for a second, but he did not move. He didn’t want to talk. So Jaehyun went alone.

   ‘He really should come to Yale,’ said Dr Brown, and Doyoung’s head snapped up. ‘You should talk to him about it.’

   _Oh no oh no oh no._

He had come so close to surviving the evening.

   ‘Jaehyun makes his own decisions,’ said Doyoung, and he wondered whether a hint of bitterness showed in his voice. _Yes_ , yes Jaehyun _did_ make his own decisions, without an inkling of consultation with his partner of over five years.

   ‘Perhaps. But you and I both know why he wants to stay back home.’

   ‘Do we?’

   ‘You’re the only thing he loves more than history, Doyoung. Jaehyun’s reputation goes far beyond just his journals.’

   His heart was starting to pound now, like it was making up for the beats it had missed out on while it had stopped altogether. He clasped his hands together under the table, his thumb kneading nervously at the soft spot between his other thumb and forefinger because once upon a time someone had told him that the pressure point could calm him. It didn’t work.

   ‘I’m not sure we should be having this conversation while Jaehyun - ’

   ‘He thinks that it’s a good enough reason to stay, now. Because you’re young and in love and life’s one big honeymoon. But in fifteen years’ time, it’s all going to feel different. And if I were you, I wouldn’t want my husband to look at me one day and see the one thing that stood between me and all of my dreams.’

   All of a sudden, air seemed very hard to come by, like he had to remind himself every second to breathe.

   Whenever he usually felt like this, he sought out Jaehyun.

   Right now, he neither had him nor wanted him.

   He needed _Ten_ or _Yukhei_ but he didn’t have them either. They were 5000 miles away.

   Doyoung just wanted to be home. And not _home_ in San Francisco. _Home._ Home was where he felt secure, and every other ounce of security in his life had just been shaken to its core.

   His hand went up to his face like he could conceal himself from all of the truths that were unravelling in his mind. He forced words, but his voice sounded as though it belonged to someone else. ‘Like I said, Jaehyun makes his own decisions.’

   ‘What do I do?’ asked Jaehyun, as he appeared back at the table and retook his seat. There was a tension, still, in his voice.

   ‘Doyoung was just telling me that you make excellent cakes.’

   ‘Oh, yeah,’ he said, with a sideways glance at Doyoung. ‘Doyoung’s are better, though.’

*

   Jaehyun was going to leave.

   He was going to _leave_.

   It did not matter that he had said no to the offer. It did not matter how much he protested.

   Because Dr Brown was right, however much the thought of her now made Doyoung sick to his stomach: there was no chance on earth that he was going to let his husband throw away the biggest opportunity of his life just to babysit him back home in Seoul.

   Over 6000 miles.

   Nearly 11,000 kilometres.

   Something like 10 _million_ metres and if he went down to smaller measurements then – 

   Fourteen hours on a plane. He supposed that was more important.

   That was how far away Jaehyun would be, once Doyoung convinced his husband to leave him by himself for an entire year.

   A _year_.

   The car ride home had been completely silent. Jaehyun, who had not drunk, was driving, which Doyoung knew was probably a relief for him because at least it gave him something else to concentrate on. Doyoung, on the other hand, had nothing but his thoughts to clatter around his brain in terrible disorder.

   He looked straight ahead and slid down a little further in his seat. He could tolerate the silence no longer, not when there was so much that needed to be said. ‘You lied to me,’ he said. His voice sounded very loud in the quiet car.

   ‘Doie, can we wait until we get home? At home we can talk properly, somewhere safe and familiar and - ’

   Doyoung turned to look at him. ‘No, I want to talk about it now.’

   Jaehyun swallowed as they stopped at a red light, and he glanced over. There was so much pain in his eyes that Doyoung quickly looked back ahead because he didn’t want to be the one to start feeling guilty. ‘I didn’t lie,’ Jaehyun whispered. ‘I just didn’t _tell_ you because I didn’t want to scare you when I already knew that I was going to say no.’

   ‘Lying by omission is still lying!’ Suddenly, the words positively _sprinted_ out. ‘We’re not college kids anymore, Jaehyun; you can’t shove your Yale prospectus in a waste paper basket this time and hope I won’t see. We’re grown-ups. For God’s sake we’re meant to be husbands! We’re meant to talk about this kind of thing and figure it out together! I can’t believe that you kept it from me! That you married me _knowing_ you were already lying to me! And then you brought me out for _dinner_ with - ’

   ‘I didn’t even know that she knew!’ Jaehyun interrupted quickly, like this was the one subject on which he could defend himself. ‘She _shouldn’t_ know. Job offers are supposed to be private. The Chair of the department approached me, and I politely declined the offer. You know I’d never leave you alone like that.’

   ‘You know what? You were right. We should have waited until we got home,’ Doyoung snapped back, only because the car was moving again and he didn’t want to distract Jaehyun while he was driving. He waited, he waited impatiently as they turned into their road and Jaehyun pulled the car to a stop.

   When he cut the engine, the silence became deafening again.

   Jaehyun reached out for Doyoung’s hand across the gear shift but Doyoung snatched it away. Even the brush of fingers against his skin made him feel like he’d been burned. He hadn’t had such a severe reaction to Jaehyun’s touch for many years.

   ‘I’m not going. So that’s that. It’s not a big deal.’

   ‘Of course you’re _going_ ,’ said Doyoung with a tone of derision. ‘It’s your dream. It’s always been your dream. Like she said, your heart belongs at Yale.’

   ‘I’m not leaving you.’

   ‘I’m not a baby, Jaehyun,’ he lifted his voice a notch. ‘I’m not the kid I was at college, too frightened to be left alone. I’m a grown man. I’m a bloody _businessman_. I can survive a few months chatting over skype.’

   The lie barely registered in his mind, even though he knew that being apart from Jaehyun would tear him to pieces inside. The lie barely registered, because making Jaehyun go was more important.

   ‘I thought you would understand!’ said Jaehyun, and for the first time he started to sound ready to fight back. ‘When you had all those colleges and businesses chasing after you, you said no _every_ time, even though everyone told you that you should go. So why can’t you get that I might just make the same choice for myself?’

   ‘Because the difference is, _I_ stayed in Seoul to make my dream happen. I stayed with Ten and Yukhei to build NCT. You? You’re throwing _away_ your dream to stay in Seoul just to babysit me. No. I won’t let you.’

   ‘Can’t you see that I’m try to do this _for_ you?’

   ‘You don’t decide what’s best for me,’ Doyoung carried on, even though his throat was burning and his eyes were starting to sting. He tried to imagine that he was _anyone_ else instead of himself. _Ten_. He could imagine that he was Ten. Ten wouldn’t be afraid to argue. _He_ would convince him. ‘I’ll be fine by myself. _Fine_. I’m not _fragile_ anymore. And I’m not going to start our marriage, our _future_ , by chaining you to Seoul. I’m not going to lay groundwork now that’s going to make you resent me one day.’ Dr Brown’s words echoed around his mind.

   ‘ _Resent_ you? You think I’d ever _resent_ you?’

   ‘Not now, but one day. This… this thing. This travelling thing. If we don’t deal with it, one day it’s going to push us apart. It’ll be the one thing that does. I’ve always known it. If you stay home for me forever, it’ll kill you. It’ll kill us.’

   Silence fell again.

   Jaehyun was the one to break it. ‘Doie - ’  

   ‘You should have told me,’ he said flatly. He opened the car door and climbed out without looking back, though he heard Jaehyun following him.

   ‘You want me to sleep on the couch?’ Jaehyun said when Doyoung threw his house keys down on the side without a second of thought for his usual tidy order. There was a combative edge to his voice.

   Doyoung couldn’t find it in him to turn around. ‘I don’t care where you sleep, Jaehyun.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)


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